Cameron Cruise Project vs. Sands and Troy

[JABolich]

For the EPW World Tag-Team Championship:
The Cameron Cruise Project (C) vs. Christian Sands & Lindsay Troy

The unlikely duo of Cameron Cruise and Joey Melton have established themselves as the top team in EPW, running roughshod over the tag division. Now, however, they face their greatest threat to their tag title reign yet, as the Queen of the Ring and the former World Heavyweight Champion team up to vie for the gold.

 

[Steve]

My Buddy...My Buddy...My Buddy and me.

(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of an EPW Backdrop.)

MELTON: I can only help people who have an interest in helping themselves. When the ratings continue their southern spiral, and the “Melton Wrestling Buddies” are the only piece of EPW merchandising absent from shelves at the end of shows, ultimately Ryan, you only have yourself to blame.

Everybody wants a piece of Joey Melton. Be it in-ring, or for those lonely nights at home. A stuffed humanoid in my likeness while charming, limits my effectiveness.

I know you have one in your study, Dan. You’ve spent hour inspecting it. Looking for the immoral marks that define your body, a body of a convicted cheater. My buddy and me, Ryan, we got our fame, and glory the hard way.

We earned it.

You’d be wise not to keep the little fella around. He’ll start talking to you Ryan. Questioning your motives, and soon, you’ll be knee-deep in remorse at the one chance you had to get the belt off the queer and into a legitimate champions’ hands. But now you’re stuck riding the same horse who’s driven business into the ground. That he looks good in a dress is a plus, but if that’s your goal, I think you’ve gone about selling sex the hard way.

No worries on my end. I already have Gold. The one World Championship that matters. The only World title in this sport that’s not tainted somehow or another. The strap of Gold, little boys now lay themselves down to bed to dream of the possibilities that they’ll one day win it as well.

Have to eat right.

Work hard.

Put yourself before others.

Say your prayers.

And win the lottery of genetics.

All just to win....

The EPW World Tag Team Titles.

The Cameron Cruise Project’s the best thing to ever happen to the EPW, and it burns the boys in the back, and the chimps in the front office that they know it as well.

The bottom line is Cammy and I pack major arenas. We sold out Vegas baby, from the Coliseum to the men’s bathroom in Caesar’s Palace! Grown men want to watch us pee, and young girls rush to court to be emancipated from their parents, with the jewel of adoption twinkling in their eye! Cruise and I would be so much more understanding that mommy and daddy. And its true.

But the Cameron Cruise Project’s strictly about business. And these (taps belts) World Belts prove it!

Now comes Christian Sands and his masturbatory lover, Lindsay Troy.

Sands, you might want to go back to the drawing board.

Cammy and I, just lost to one b*tch.

We don’t plan to lose to another.

(FTB)

 

[TSiegel]

VOICE: It's just so wonderful how one man....who happens to be World Champion by the way....ACTUALLY BELIEVES he won the matches all by his lonesome, and so easily as well.

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise slowly pacing in front of an EPW-backdrop.)

CC: Congratulations Marcus, you beat us. You beat us and you got that six-pack of O'Douls delivered just as you asked for prior to arriving to the arena.

But do you HONESTLY think that this has just been a...well, a Cruise for you since you beat Sands in Atlanta, back in May?

Think about it.

The same man harping on you because of how you wear the title around your waist....has been pretty much LETTING you win each and every time since.

Don't believe me? Let's go back.

The Nashville show after you won the belt?

You lost to Troy Douglas, because you didn't kick out in time. By the way Marcus...thanks for takin' one for the team.

Pity the title wasn't on the line.

After that was Minneapolis, against Adam Benjamin, and it was all you could do to not go COMATOSE against the man, but luckily....

You had JUST enough.

Next up? Anaheim. You team up with Johnathan Marx against Douglas and that other kid, Dodd.

You weren't even in the ring, but you got the DUBYA, thanks to Marx. You? You were outside playin' graba$$ with the kid.

What a hero.

Which pretty much brings us to last week. You still think that you won the match by yourself, which is TRUE....don't get me wrong I admit defeat....

But only because I was still in shock of that SAME guy who tells you how to dress each time you step in the ring, tattooing my partner across the skull with a chair.

Now....pardon me...but I definately would call that assistance.

Good Job Champ. Now you get one more dose of the same medicine, this time from the same guy you damn near went beddy-bye to....and a Crackhead.

Good Luck.

(Cruise steps off to leave but cuts himself short, holding up a finger and stepping back in place.)

Almost forgot, I actually get to do a promo against a pair WORTH my time.

(Cruise nods)

Sands and Troy.

Ever it seems lately that for some reason...whenever Ryan gets A-PLUS ratings with you two on the show....somehow....

WE'RE INVOLVED!!

Again, I ask you to simply think about it.

Sands, you lost the World title and immediately signed to face us AGAIN...the next night. Then because you couldn't get over the fact that later at one point all you had to save you from BOREDOM was John Doe....you got Ryan to sign you and Troy to a match for a shot at what?

US.

Then there's Lindsay.

(Cruise starts to say something but decides at the last second against it.)

I'll leave that to Joey, and the rest of the Marketing Plans for him to figure out.

Lord knows, either way....he always leaves them wanting more.

So pack your bags ladies, Joey and I are comin' to Colorado and for a one night only-encore....

It's VEGAS baby.

And this time not only will WE sell out the Pepsi Center....we'll do it OUR way.

Because that's a Reality Check we BOTH know...the two of you just...won't like.

Fadeout.

 

[DBrunkGXW]

[Fade into the office of EPW Owner Dan Ryan. Ryan sits stoically in a high-backed leather chair, hands steepled.]

Ryan: "Joey, it's a shame that you still have to wrestle in places where Stephen Thomas doesn't make the decisions isn't it?"

"It's a shame that you still have to wrestle in places where World Titles are decided in the ring instead of the boardroom."

"It's a shame that here, in the one place that has given you the freedom to resurrect a career drifting along like the raft your best buddy floated to his little 'deserted island' in - that the one man who was most screwed over by your gaining the 'one World Championship that matters' just happens to own the place."

"Let me give you a piece of advice, old man."

"Pay attention to the people across the ring from you this week. You and I will have more than enough time to settle our problems."

"Not everyone is impressed with a champion crowned with a title drawn out on a new Big Chief notepad."

Fade Out

 

[JABolich]

(FADEIN: CHRISTIAN SANDS sitting in front of a backdrop.)

SANDS: As you no doubt guessed, Lindsay couldn't be here today. That leaves me with the dubious honor of confronting you two mongoloids and running a few verbal rings around you.

Not that running ANY rings around Cameron Cruise is hard.

Tell me something, Cameron...

(Snickers...)

How's married life, buddy?

You know... you and Beau Michaels make such a cute couple.

Just don't tell us about the Pole On A Pole matches you two have every night back at the ranch. We really don't want to know. Though I'm sure you don't mind, since you're used to that sort of thing.

Did I mention how badly you sucked in Dripping Wet Sex #02?

Hah... First he takes his name from a porn star, now he gets married to Beau freakin' Michaels. As if the world needed more proof that Cameron Cruise is a walking joke. Cameron Cruise the wrestler, that is... Cameron Cruise the porn star is actually sort of hot. I'd hit it.

It's funny, Cam. You don't even realize what a joke you are. Do you even understand that your pal Geritol Boy is teaming with you because he pitied you? Do you realize that he pitied you because of how utterly pathetic you are? You're deluding yourself if you think you mean something, Cruise, because it's more or less law around these parts that Cameron Cruise is a name synonymous with failure and audience apathy.

Quit leeching off Joey's heat, scamp... Not that there's a hell of a lot to leech. You're depriving the poor windbag.

And speaking of Joey...

...Naw. I'll let Troy handle him. She's got more beef than I do. I do have something to get off my chest, though.

That one World Championship of yours matters as much to me as knowing what Hellfighter had for breakfast this morning. Sorry, pal... I deal in gold. I have no use for paper, except to wipe my ass with.

Enjoy it while you can, chuckles.

I was the first man in this company to wear the EPW World Title around his waist - and if you recall, I didn't have it handed to me. I EARNED IT, and I did the strap proud. Ask Cammy over there - I dismantled him in my first defense. And that, Joseph, is something I value far more than the piece of paper the CSWA laughingly passes off as a World Title.

I earn my title runs, Joseph. At Wrestleverse, I'm earning another.

With that, I'll just... sit on back and wait for the missus to say her piece...

Heh heh heh... I can't wait.

(FADEOUT)

 

[TSiegel]

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an EPW Backdrop.)

CC: To think I almost forgot what a stubborn, ignorant a$$ you've been this year, thanks for the reminder, Sands.

How's married life, you ask?

Pretty decent.

Beau Michaels waits on me hand and foot, does my laundry, makes my dinner when I'm home, and in return only asks for his cage that he sleeps in to be placed down the hall from where I sleep in case of thieves or burglars.

However, I must admit....putting in standing orders for a case of batteries is starting to annoy me.

Moving on, you still think that Cameron Cruise is synonymous for failure and audience apathy huh?

That's pretty interesting seeing as I just got done nearly winning an elimination contest in which YOU chickened out of.....by one man.

'Course, you can't really blame me now can you Christian? After all....I did start out that match as the second man in....bled fifteen gallons of blood....and still came out shocking the world. I had probably the match of my career that night, nearly forty-five minutes in the ring from start to finish with four other athletes.

'Course I'm sure that still pales to your sixty-six minute Ironman match with Jean Rabesque right?

Getting traded to a completely different conference of talent for a week, beating almost ALL of those remaining and coming out the victor is small potatoes to you isn't it?

Besides, you'd rather hold a gun to your head than to even face that possibility of a decent challenge for a top seed, so why should you care? I'm only taking advantage of something that you couldn't bare to be a part of anymore.

Damn, and I thought I was bad in the first half.

But if you want to talk about delusions....let's remember something shall we?

I didn't bring Joey into Empire Pro.

Your wonderful friend Paul Freeman did.

I didn't want to tag up with Joey, not at all from the start.

Freeman snuck him in.

I'll tell you what though, those first few weeks were nuts to get through, but you know...after awhile of going from hotel to hotel, staying up night after night at three in the morning while Joey attempts to perform re-enactments of Rod Stewart shows to younger women.....he starts to get to you and you begin to understand abit of where he's coming from, if you will.

By the way, I highly recommend you request "Forever Young".

But even you gotta be surprised at the fact that Joey and I sold out Las Vegas, Anaheim, Minnesota, and just about everywhere else in between faster than you almost did to the Seven Deadly Sins.

I'll tell you something else too Sands. Come Wrestleverse, when The Cameron Cruise Project comes to town, we're gonna do it again.

And we're going to leave town with these belts (holds up belt by the strap)....AGAIN.

Because unless you weren't paying attention, since the very same night you LOST the World Heavyweight Title....we've held these titles, and aren't going to let them go anytime soon.

Whether you listen to it or not...that's just a Reality Check you just....won't like.

Fade

 

[QueenOfTheRing]

So Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb...

(Static fills the screen for five seconds before fading into a scene from Spaceballs. Lord Helmut is sitting at a table, playing with his officially licensed Spaceballs "Action Figures". Colonel Sandurz bursts into the room.

Colonel Sandurz : Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet : WHAT?

[Helmet gathers up his dolls]

Colonel Sandurz : You're needed on the bridge sir!

Dark Helmet : Knock on my door! Knock next time!

Colonel Sandurz : Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet : Did you see anything?

Colonel Sandurz : No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again.

[Sandurz closes the door]

Dark Helmet : Good!

BLACK)

*************

Fade-in: Troy, leaning against her McLaren F1, smugly smirking from ear to ear.

It should be no secret to anyone that Melton likes to play with dolls.

Really, he'll take any play that he can get at this point.

Joey, let's be honest with ourselves here: you can put a pretty wrapper on a piece of sh*t, but it's still going to be a piece of sh*t.

You can try to help Cameron all you want...you can give your back a workout by carrying him around, you can gift-wrap pretty gold-plated faceplates on leather belts to amuse yourselves with, and you can lie in bed at night and dream about where it all went wrong in your quest to make me "your girl Friday", but in the end the same realization that hit you after you agreed to an EPW contract is going to come knocking at your thick skull once more.

Cameron Cliche is beyond help.

There's only so much that one man can do, and everyone knows that you're an expert at doing a whole lot of things at one time, but sometimes you just need to cut your losses while you can.

You're better than this, Joey. Whatever obligation you feel you have I can guarantee it's not worth having to tag Cameron's hand week in and week out.

You should have walked out of Vegas with Marcus's pretty braided head on a silver platter and his gold belt around your waist...but you didn't, because that little nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach must have been aching you real bad.

That would be your conscience.

And I'm surprised you have one.

But there is one thing we agree on: Marcus looks good in a dress. Really brought out his feminine side, no?

In fact, I have it on good authority that Dan's phone has been ringing off the hook because the leading Transgender and Crossdressing magazines want to feature our beloved World Champion as their "cover boy".

Talk about ratings. Think of the exposure. It'll be exactly what this company needs.

After all, Dark Helmut and Colonel Sandurz can sell out arenas. Anything can happen.

But what can't happen, Joey, is Cameron Cliche going one promotional spot without regurgitating your material, ripping off your schtick, and further proving why some women should have had abortions.

Sands and Cliche want to get into d*ck-swinging contests over who's married to who, who lost to who, who was on this show at this time, and whatever other kind of past history they can drudge up and put into play. Me? I lack the equipment necessary to participate in this little game. So thank-you-very-much, but I'll pass.

Although, in a battle of wits, smart money's on Christian. After all, he does possess an organ known as a brain.

I've always wondered if God had a sense of humor, and now I know that such humor exists in regards to a "higher power."

Cruise may have a male reproduction organ--after all, he does have Beau Michaels salivating all over it--but thought process and response is something he lacks.

Cameron is too scared to say what's really on his mind.

Cameron is too scared to take off the panties that hide his genetalia and say something mean and rotten about me.

Cameron is too scared to admit that's a hermaphrodite.

But it's OK, Joey...as long as he's got your shoulder to lean on he's gonna be alright, because you're none the wiser.

We'll just have to see if losing the tag straps serves as your wake-up call to bigger and better things.

Fade...

 

[JABolich]

What Were The Super Friends Thinking?!

"I'm Jayna!"
"I'm Zan"
"Wondertwin Powers...Unite!!"
*************
Sunday, September 19

Fade-In: Outside Mile High Stadium where Christian Sands and Lindsay Troy stand amidst tailgaters, leaning against the back of Sands's Lambroghini. Troy's wearing a #7 Jaguars jersey (HEEL HEAT~!) and tight blue jeans, while Sands is in a white button-down Ralph Lauren shirt and black dress pants.

TROY: I'm still waiting for Joey's pet monkey Little Voltron to show up.

SANDS: I've already called the Lost And Found. Cammy not dropping a promo ten minutes after his opponent speaks? He must've gone missing. Quick, check the backseat of Beau Michaels' car.

Troy pulls a piece of paper out of her pants pocket, unfolds it, and holds it up to the camera.

TROY: I have here a memo from our wonderful owner Dan Ryan that the comic relief portion of this week's television spots is over with. That leaves me to draw one of two conclusions: Joey and Cliche decided to mail it in the rest of the week and just hand over the title belts to us, or Dan's playing another one of his practical jokes and forgot to send the memo to them as well. Either way, in the long run, it's not going to matter.

SANDS: Doesn't bode well for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum that the comic relief has ended, since they're basically jokes anyway. ESPECIALLY that Cruise guy. They might as WELL just fork over the titles and save themselves the trouble. Cameron knows what I'm talking about. Hey, Li'l Cruiser... Funny how I'm apparently not cut out to hang with the talent in NFW and you are, despite me making you tap out, pinning the North points leader and making him tap... Oh, the list goes ON, Cammy!

But that's right. In the world of wrestling, there's no such thing as job dissatisfaction - everything boils down to "You Suck".

So let me boil it down for you - On your best day you couldn't hold my jock, sunshine.

TROY: Why should he have to, when he could just get Beau to do it for him?

SANDS: That's right, he DID say Beau was his slave... I guess our little Cammy got into BDSM while working for Vivid Video. Apparently he sucks in more ways than one.

Cam, I love how you talk down to me and place SO much emphasis on the fact that I lost the title. Note that I don't cringe or curse when I say that. I lost the title. It happens. But Cameron? AT LEAST I WAS THERE - AND THAT'S FAR MORE THAN YOU CAN SAY. It took me two years to accomplish what you NEVER DID.

As they say, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...

TROY: It's about time that Cliche steps out of his two-dimensional fairy-tale world, and Joey snaps out of his delusionment. Comic relief in their cartoon world doesn't make people laugh. You two are just a couple people that the population hates more than anyone else but are too much in denial to admit it. After we've watched Cameron AND HIS WIFE get married to a bi-sexual man and lose their anal virginity, and after we've watched Joey wrestle midgets on cruise ships for the free buffet and open bar, people will actually start cheering for us.

Even Ryan wouldn't send two "special needs" kids into a fight.

Or...would he?

SANDS: I guess that's what the short bus is for.

Wisen up, gents. The experiment is over. The Cameron Cruise Project is a failure. I of all people know that people can change, but Cameron Cruise isn't one of them. Cameron has what I like to call Deep-Rooted Suckitude. No matter how much you try and help him, no matter how many tricks you teach him... he'll still suck, because he's Cameron Cruise, the poster boy for career never-was midcard bit players everywhere.

Cameron, you focus on those almosts a lot. "I almost beat you." "I almost did this." "I almost did that." But that's the thing - you ALMOST did it. You didn't do it, because YOU WERE BORN TO BE A FAILURE.

Story of your life, I guess... You're just never good enough to make it.

TROY: And when you do make it, Cammy...you're leeching off someone else's success.

The Cameron Cruise Project was about Melton trying to breathe some life into a man whose crowning achievement was winning a title in a league that is damn near DEE-OH-AYE: Dead On Arrival. And the presentation was a failure.

Greensboro Championship? That belt's tainted now because, no matter who runs it, they've dug themselves in too deep a rut to ever fully come out of it.

They can see the light...but the rope's out of reach.

Rabesque's slimy hands have smeared the illustrious line that came before you and him, Cammy, and he's croaking so much that he's sinking further and further into the Swamp of Boreitude.

SANDS: Would that make Cameron "Cruisedor the Failinator?" ...I know, I know, that was bad.

You two p*ssies have been playing in the cream for too long. Maybe you THINK you've got claws because you've beaten a bunch of mongoloids like Gollum and DMX and those two Final Fantasy X guys, but you're in a whole 'nother ball game now, chico. At Wrestleverse I, you're going to get neutered by two of the best wrestlers in this business bar none.

And when the dust settles, you'll be able to see quite clearly that the Cameron Cruise Project was doomed from the start. The concept was noble, Joe... You just needed someone other than a career failure to experiment on.

Maybe some other time, you'll make it work.

But not with Cammy.

(FADEOUT)

 

[Steve]

You were sayin'?

(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of an EPW backdrop.)

MELTON: (shakes his head and grins) Why has Joey Melton been so quiet...

Just to be fair boys and girls, because whenever I talk you irritants get buried. And I need at least a head kept uncovered to make some money with you.

You can wrap a piece of s*it up with a bow, but in the end it’s still s*it, right Troy? Easy on Cam, unless you’re willing to leave the clichés behind yourself.

I’m flattered you missed me in front of EPW cameras, but honestly, you three talk about me so much I question how much more you can take? And that’s exactly the reason why I’m one-half of the EPW World Tag Team Champions. It’s my life you want, not your own sad, morose existence. Sands it’s why Troy can’t bring herself to kick me out of our Tampa Estate. Given the choice of talking to herself or having me within earshot...it’s not worth debating.

You two, hell the EPW period, needs me far more than I need any of you. Because you’ve tried to draw live fire with the personality you see everyday in the mirror, and it was about as hard as dragging a lead ball up a two-mile incline.

Paint me and Cruise however you want, and continue to have a ball doing so...I mean, the goal here is a good show, but in the end I’ll be colored a winner and you’ll still be the B&W f*ckups stuck working $5 General Admission Main Events.

I go before a limited television audience and tell them the EPW World Tag Team Championship is the most significant title in this business...and what do you idiots do? Drag the CSWA into the conversation to up the body temperature of your dormant careers.

But amazingly it doesn’t even stop there. Everything from NFW, to “Fraggle Rock” is thrown into the pot to help the mix have a more pleasant taste.

Nice to know I’m wasting my breath promoting this dog and pony show, called EPW. It’s not Cruise I’m carrying; it’s the lot of you. Do yourself a favor and help me push. This company was so far in red before they begged me to come in, we may never get it up that hill...but I’m trying. You dumbasses are off in a corner splicing scenes from “SpaceBalls” into your work. Further proof you can’t sell without help.

Maybe once in a while, stop raping the heat off "The Cameron Cruise Project" and work to build some of your own.

I dunno Sands...maybe tell us a little about yourself. It’s an election year, irritant...campaign. Why should we give a f*ck about you once you step in that ring?

“Because I’m opposite Joey Melton...” can only take you so far. It’s true only God’s made more men than I have, but eventually my back will give out, and when I’m done...who’s left to wrap that bow around your neck and announce the firesale?

Help yourself now before it’s too late.

I’ve made over worse. Just last year I molded Shane Matthews into something even his c*nt of a mother could respect.

Trust me, a crybaby who grabs his ball and runs home at the first sign of trouble will be an easy face lift.

I just have to wipe those tears and encourage you to tag in the one with the balls in the team: My dear, luscious, Lindsay Troy.

Lindsay, even when you’re giving me the silent treatment and turning off the hot water to my bathroom, you still find ways to get your hands on me. But, throwing yourself at Sands’ feet is almost slutty.

Honey, if you had just swallowed your pride and asked me to team with you...I would’ve. But you like things done the hard way... (laughs) Nevermind about that...

But, you fools were right about one thing.

"The Cameron Cruise Project" has been a miserable failure.

Sold-out arenas, fat merchandising kickbacks, and these (slaps belt) well apparently not very significant EPW World Tag belts around our waists. I’ve established you’re not able to tell your ass from a hole in the ground, but to be so blind to the look of a winner...startles me.

Cam and I are what’s keeping this ship afloat. I know, you’d love to see us broken up, so you can fight amongst yourselves to see who tags next with whom, but...we move on...will you be carried with us?

That queer as champ’s really gotten you far, huh. A man who thinks cutting a promo every half-hour is selling the company. The only reason he’s still the EPW Women’s champion is because the cheater wanted it that way.

Hey...his fed.

And I imagine...he’ll be able to stack the odds as high as he can get’em against the Project walking out with the Tag Titles. But, Cammy and I are goin’ be rockin’ for some time on. Be it here, or the shadows of your careers.

If ‘ifs’ and ‘but’s were Candy and Nuts, we’d all have a wonderful Christmas baby, but the calls for disbandment are quite pathetic. But then...we are the ones carrying this piece of ****.

Maybe Kobe and Shaq were tired of playing with one another, but for Cruise and I...the gettin’ is still oh so good. We’re hotter than Troy’s bush after a fantasy about yours truly. And we’re dead serious on remaining the greatest tag team in the world today...

...just how serious?

Serious enough that we’ve both told Mercedes no sex until after Showtime.

For this paper champion Ryan...my career was lost in the professional jealousy of promoters who were embarrassed that my name meant more to fans than theirs. But Cameron Cruise took a chance, and offered his hand.

Cammy put me on his back, and it bugs the hell out of each and every one of you...because now that this gorgeous body has life...he’s havin’ fun takin' it out of yours.

That’s teamwork.

That’s what "The Cameron Cruise Project" has that any other duo doesn’t...a history worth giving a damn about.

So, Christian...you go ahead and keep picking your partners based on who’d like to f*ck, and stay witty enough to draw comparisons between Cruise and a porn star...but meantime, my partner and I are going to take these belts to somewhere EPW has never been.

The Top.

(FTB)