The scene the Pepsi Arena in Denver... between A1E, Empire and the CSWA, JA has racked up some frequent flyer miles in the last couple of months.
Irregardless (and yes, it's a word), JA is standing in front of an American flag with an American flag lucha mask and a red-white-and-blue Uncle Sam suit on. Lollipop is standing in the background, wearing a strapless, blue-background bust-part with white stars and a red-white vertically striped dress-part. JA has a microphone.
JA: So, I didn't get to dismantle Anger-bot and move on in the UNIFIED World TItle tournament. Since the bastard cheated and hit me in my precious, precious testicles, I'm just going to chalk it up to him being a bastard. That bucket of bolts will get its revenge, don't you worry.
But for now, it's about time that I honored this country by winning the United States Heavyweight Championship.
Cue up that patriotic sounding song they play on car dealership commercials for their Fourth of July specials.
JA: Because Uncle Jay-Aye wants... YOU~! Steve Radder!
That's right bucko, the first step towards gaining the Yoo-Ess Title is dumping you on your divorcee-ass. Of course, that is easier said than done. You're a former See-Ess-Dubya-Aye Champion, a bull on parade, you have your lawyer on speed dial, and in another lifetime, your catchprhase could have been "Who radder than Steve?" Huh? Enh? Hmm?
And I'm sure in your own mind there, where all the people flock to the arena and tune in on U-62 every Monday night, when you ask yourself "who radder than Steve?" the answer is nobody. Of course, in that world, you probably sit on throne made of gold, have people who you pay specifically to wipe your ass, and you have Eliza Dushku on speed-dial instead of your lawyers.
However, in reality, there are several people who are indeed radder than you are. Unfortunately for you, I am one of them. In fact, I'm so hip, Troy Windham takes fashion tips from me.
Okay, okay, maybe I wouldn't go that far, but seriously, maybe you should start taking style tips from me.
Then again, this isn't about style, it's about wrestling. And you're facing probably one of the best.
Sure, you've probably never heard of me until I showed up in Greensboro to listen to Big Stevie Fool let us know that Skittles... TASTE THE RAINBOW, was sponsoring that tournament you and I were both eliminated from the last two editions of this show.
Well, there's a reason why Stevemeister brought me in here. Because he knows that. He saw me in 2001, when I was tearing down the house in Ruggerio-land. He noticed when I made my comeback in Empire Pro and saw how I made everyone stand up and take notice.
He knows talent when he sees it. And Steve-boy Awesomer, I am among the best you're ever going to see.
I'm also the most American. I bleed red, white and blue. I thought it was some kind of medical condition, but the doctor said I was healthy and extremely patriotic.
I'm the only choice to hold the Yoo-Ess Title. You, on the other hand, should just worry about getting your ex off your back. After Monday, that should be easy...
BECAUSE UNCLE JAY-AYE WANTS YOU... TO JOB TO ME!
JA points into the camera like Uncle Sam as red, white and blue balloons and confetti drop from the ceiling. The scene fades to the CSWA logo.
(A promo for CSWA Primetime in Denver opens, highlighting the performers who will be there, and the Champion's Challenge matches. STEVE RADDER is strolling down the moving walkway in San Francisco International Airport, travel bag over one shoulder.)
STEVE RADDER: Hey, as far as gaudy, ridiculous-looking promos go, JA, or, sorry, Jay-Aye, you're right, you're definitely ... Radder ... than I am. One point for you, I suppose, though it was conceded ... and it's the only thing I'll concede to you.
(Radder holds his hands out, waving them with too much ugency.)
STEVE RADDER: Don't worry, though, I don't have anything against you personally. Your fashion sense, hey, impeccable. To each their own. To brag about Troy-Diggity supposedly taking fashion tips from you, though, well, not so hot, I hate to say. That's ... not something I'd personally brag about. But whatever. The only thing I really have against you, Mr. Masked Man, is that you're in my way. Yeah, yeah, I did say something similar to Dan Ryan before, and yeah, I did lose to him in my first round match for the UNIFIED title, but hey, guess what, you lost yours too, so here we are, losers together.
(Radder grimaces a little, looking a little concerned.)
STEVE RADDER: I have to admit, though, that what's even more unsettling than your choice in taking your ... costume ... straight outta Bobby Heenan's closet is your ... detailed fantasies regarding my .. er ... home life. At any rate, you've obviously spent a great deal of time thinking about our upcoming match, and hey, good for you! We've not corssed paths before, and you never know, it might happen again, and I'm glad to tell you, any return matches we have will have a nice, handy, built in storyline for you.
(Radder hold gestures outward with his hands again, gazing upward, at some imaginary Playbill.)
STEVE RADDER: "JA .. woops sorry .. JAY-AYE, THE MASKED MAN, SEEKS TO EVEN THE SCORE WITH US CHAMPION STEVE RADDER." Not bad, not bad, and I promise, when I take the belt home from The Bug, I'll give you a rematch in whatever ... weird ... fetish-type fantasy match you might have in mind, as much as it ... pains me to say so.
(Radder pauses, then gives the camera a wink and a thumbs-up, before stepping off the walkway.)
STEVE RADDER: And I do have to give you props on your awesome, and creative, "divorce-ass" blast. Absolutely no rebuttal on that one, man, though I have absolutely no idea what it has to do with our match. Let's face it - everyone's put up with some crazy ***** before, just like that chick that hangs out with you right now is doing, it's just that I got rid of mine.
(Radder nods at his own point, in agreement.)
STEVE RADDER: It seems, in fact, that you're more concerned about my home life than I am. It's ... really not that interesting ... but, whatever floats your boat. While you spend your time checking all the "STEVE RADDER FATHERED MY BABY" websites for the latest lame trash, I'll spend my time in the gym, training, shaking off the ring rust I know I have. You better be ready though, as good as you say you are, I don't think you know what you're in for, not when I'm back to 100%. But you'll find out.
(After a brief pause, Radder continues.)
STEVE RADDER: You seem big on the Civics lessons, with your elaborate costume choice and all, so let me give you an Anthropology ... oh ... sorry. An ... Thro .... Pol ... O .... Gy ... lesson, quick before I'm done, at no charge at all. In some cultures, the thumbs-up isn't a good thing ... it means, well, up yours, so, in conclusion, JAY-AYE ...
(Radder smirks, and gives an emphatic thumbs-up to the camera, before chuckling, and turning away.)
Same CSWA backdrop, same Uncle Sam outfit on JA, same dress on Lollipop. Same patriotic car commercial music in the background.
JA: You know what's not radder than Steve, Steve Cooler? You know what's not American... well, it used to not be American, but given teh state of things today... ah forget it, but anyway, you know what's just not kosher? Regurgitating everything I say and blithely denying it because you're a macho man who likes to train and bang your girlfr... oh wait, nevermind there.
Steve-o, I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't train, so let's just stop making excuses for ourselves here on why you've proven yourself to be the cure for insomnia, shall we? I mean, you make it sound like such a bad thing that I actually watch all kinds of See-Ess-Dub tee-vee and I actually, you know, know something about my opponent. Know your enemy, right? Isn't that the key to victory? Nah... just training off camera and talking about training is, right? Right.
The thing is, Mr. Groovier, I was always taught that if you don't have anything interesting to say in this business, then you don't say it at all. Sure I could sit here and talk about how much I can bench, or how well I throw around the sparring partners at the dojo 'n s[bleep] like that, but the truth is, everyone knows that I do that. Why tell people what they already know? Then you just insult their intelligence. I don't like doing that to people, because quite frankly, I don't like having it done to me.
And you're insulting my intelligence bigtime here, Steveurysm.
Like I would sit around for hours thinking about what kind of material to use. Seriously, everything I say just comes to me. Don't flatter yourself thinking that I think about you thinking about hiring people to wipe your ass... because that's just disgusting.
But whatever... that's irrelevant, right? The wrestling is what matters, right? I dig that. But do me a favor and at least accept the fact that I'll just get up in silly costumes and mock you incessantly before it's time for me to make you look like the overrated fogey you are in the ring.
(On a black background, the words: THIS PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL IS AIRED UNEDITED, SAVE FOR LANGUAGE, PER THE REQUEST OF STEVE RADDER, CS ENTERPRISE EMPLOYEE # 24601.)
(The shot fades in to STEVE RADDER standing in a gym, wearing a ridiculous costume involving a white-and-black tiger striped singlet, a similarly-printed cowboy hat, with complementing sunglasses. The background is devoid of anything aside from a wrestling ring over his shoulder.)
STEVE RADDER: Oooh yeah, JAaaaaayye, you're going DOWN! Steve Radder's going to pulllllverise you, man, right into the mat ...
(Radder's ranting at the camera, gesturing intensely at the camera, but looks down, the intense look on his face cracking, as he begins to chuckle, causing the workers in the area to bust up as well.)
(A brief BEEP sound is heard, and the screen goes black, with the words TAKE TWO written in block lettering.)
(Radder is in the same position, this time with a huge and gaudy mohawk wig, a stone-wash jean jacket with the arms torn off, black jeans, and no shirt)
STEVE RADDER: Man, come PRIMETIME, JA, Steve Radder is going to punk ... you ... out!
(Radder again bursts out into laughter, along with the rest of the crew.)
(BEEP! TAKE THREE.)
(Radder is now standing in the ring, hands on the ropes, tassled armbands on both biceps, neon-coloured face paint, bright pink tights, with matching tassled boots. He begins shaking the ropes violently.)
STEVE RADDER: THE GREAT KNIGHTS OF THE PLANET VALTRON ... HAVE IMBUED ME WITH THE POWER ... TO ... TO ...
(Radder again can't hold it together, shaking his head and turning away as he continues laughing.)
(BEEP! TAKE FOUR.)
(Steve Radder is wearing an open short-sleeved flower print shirt, a pair of Oakleys resting on top of his head, khaki shorts, and flip-flops.)
STEVE RADDER: Dude, JA-dude, man, I'm going to, you know, totally kick you around, like, in Denver, dude. You totally don't know, like, what's comin' to you, dude ...
(This time, Radder spots a worker hiding his mouth, trying not to laugh, which sends him over the edge.)
(BEEP! TAKE FIVE.)
(The scene opens with Steve Radder standing in the ring, with a bright blue boa over his shoulders, aviator sunglasses on, in his bright white boxer-briefs and nothing else. He starts laughing before any words come out of his mouth.)
(BEEP! TAKE SIX.)
(Radder is standing outside the ring in full Mountie regalia, the red jacket, light brown hat, black riding pants, with a fake moustache.)
STEVE RADDER: 'Ay! Budday! JA, eh? You better take off, you hoser, or I'll send you back through customs with a good whippin, eh?
(The off-camera men begin laughing again, and Radder shakes his head, tearing off the hat, throwing it away, and the fake moustache meets the same fate. He doesn't laugh this time, however.)
STEVE RADDER: Man, this is ridiculous! (Guffawing from the background.) I'm serious! JA, I've got to give it to you, you give a mean "stupid costume gimmick" promo. You've got me beat there. Steve Radder, he just can't meet you on that playing field, so one point for you, I suppose. Alright, so maybe you don't spend your time imagining me doin' my business on the toilet, and sure enough, maybe the silly costumers are at an end.
It might very well be that 27 is a fogey-ish, washed-up age to you, my friend, but Steve Radder's feeling it. Even though we're fighting at PRIMETIME, when it's time for us to fight, baby, it's Showtime. It always is when Radder's around. I'll be the one taking the butts out of the chairs, when I walk down to give you a beat-down, and when the ref raises my arm in victory and tells me I'm going on to fight one of the other two deaf-mutes involved in this tourney.
And sure enough, you're right. None of us got to this point by being pushovers. Some of us, though, are just better than the others - something that will be evident come PRIMETIME, when you find yourself staring up at me from your back. So get yourself ready, big boy, 'cause it's SHOWTIME. Oh, and before I forget ...
(Radder gives the camera a wink and a quick thumbs-up before turning his back on the camera, his shoulders shaking with laughter.)
Third verse, same as the first... I mean, same get-up, music, background as before.
JA: Well, good ol' Stevie Gnarlier, I guess you got me pegged. Master of the stupid costume spots. I'm not going to deny it. I mean, I live for getting up in costume, be it on screen or in the bedroom, right babe?
Lolli: Like, totally babe.
JA raises his eyebrows.
JA: It is a sweet gig, Stevie-skeevie. Such a sweet-gig, I see you even want a piece of the shoo-fly pie. Well, of all the costumes you dressed up in, you forgot the one that fit you best.
Seeing that you like picking out the stuff that's readily apparent. Of course I have more charisma than you do, although it's good to see you admit that. STill though, you do need a little more help with the investigative reporting.
Although I guess I can't really blame you for not wanting see what the Anglo Luchador is all about. THat would mean you'd have to watch Aye-One-Ee or Ee-Pee-Dub programming, and that would take time away from your training time in the gym. And Lord knows I pulled you away from that too much so far to film all those little vignettes, which I admit are pretty cute for someone as devoid of personality as yourself.
And you'd have to forgive me for not knowing your real age, seeing that usually, people as young as both you and I are, seeing that I am still at the ripe young age of 26, but us young folks usually know how to live a little.
But all that aside, it's quite alright. You'll find out exactly what I am all about at PRIMETIME, and you'll be the one on the losing end because...
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