SigilOfLeviBF
Terrance's #2 Fan
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- Jan 1, 2000
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[updated:LAST EDITED ON Jun-29-03 AT 10:09 AM (EST)](FADEIN: BENJAMIN sits down onto Castor's director's chair, adjusts the camera, and puts on a Hooters baseball cap over the mask of El Puta.)
BENJAMIN: It's like my immortal legend of a grandfather, El Puta, always said: "You must direct really cool movies." I think. So anyway, after my sequels to Save the Last Dance, The Mighty Ducks, and Free Willy bombed like a Palestinian at the box office, I decided, hey, maybe I should call it quits. My long life dream of creating great sequels to bad movies had not been realized, and probably never would. Then I realized the truth, and that was...well, what else? I had to keep going! I had to make BETTER sequels of WORSE movies! So I thought, hmmmm...Gremlins? Nah, that sequal was good. Problem Child? Nah, John Ritter, not to mention my good buddy from New York, would throw a fit. Police Academy? 6 guys already tried that, too late for me. Suddenly, when all hope seemed to be lost, something appeared on my screen; it was Batman and Robin. George Clooney, you son of a b*tch! You ruined what Michael Keaton had once made great, and you just gave me the greatest idea in the history of mankind! MAKE ANOTHER BATMAN FILM! And so the next day, I phoned Warner Bros. They basically laughed and told me, "Take the rights! You can't get much worse than our last outing. Go ahead, have a field day!" But mi amigos, you were dead wrong! This is Benjamin "El Puta" Hernandez you're talking to! I filmed Jesse selling his body for drugs and whale food during Free Willy 3, and I'll be damned if I don't live up to the same standard for Batman 5!
I sent a memo over to Jack Nicholson, asking him to revive his role as the Joker. The next day, he sent me back the same memo, only it had what looked to be human feces smeared down the middle of it. Then I called Michael Keaton. Funny, as soon as I said the word 'Batman', dude man hung up! So I said "Screw him!" I'll find my own damn Batman! So without further ado...here is...BATMAN 2003!
(CUTTO: The Batmobile riding at about 170 down the streets of L.A. with about 4 other cars including a Corvette, a Subaru, an Audi, and a Mustang GT.)
REALLY DEEP V/O: What would you say if Batman started street racing?
(CUTTO: The Batmobile zooms in first past the checkered flag.)
V/O: Would you say the odds are against him?
(CUTTO: Batmobile skid turns, stops.)
V/O: But if I told you that this summer, Vin Diesel put on the Batsuit...
(CUTTO: Vin Diesel jumps out of the Batmobile, wearing the Batsuit, cape flying in the air, his crotch pitchin' a tent.)
BATMAN: YO! Who's got my money?!
V/O: THEN THE ODDS JUST GOT EVEN!
(CUEUP: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park)
V/O: Featuring Vin Diesel as the black knight himself! Along with the old guy who played Alfred in all four Batman movies as...Alfred!
(CUTTO: Batman and Alfred step away from the Batmobile, towards a crowd.)
BATMAN: Now somebody here owes my ass 5,000 dollars, PLUS their Mustang GT, PLUS their girlfriend! If you just hand over the goods right now, maybe I'll consider not letting my man Alfred here take your girl up the Hershey highway.
ALFRED: Oh DO reconsider sir!
V/O: Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze!
(CUTTO: Mr. Freeze lands his big ice space ship onto the curb, gets out.)
MR. FREEZE: COOL car! But I think it's overheated! (Sprays the Batmobile with icicles.)
BATMAN: Yo b*tches, whatchoo doing? I worked hard on this prime piece of Bat-work! Now I KNOW you ain't be tryin' to ruin the new transmission I just put on it!
MR. FREEZE: DIE, WINGED BAT PIG! (Throws huge icicle at Batman)
V/O: Also starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, as Batgirl! And the infamous Billy Dee Williams, as the Joker!
JOKER: (In Billy's slickest voice) Why HELLO THERE little Olsen twin. Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? How about mated with a 12 inch anaconda from a galaxy far, far away? HA-HA, yeah. I heard you girls are legal now...that's cool; and if I do say so myself, I-(interruption)
BENJAMIN: (Heard from the background of the set.) CUT! Billy, those aren't your lines, man!
JOKER: Yes Benjamin, I know. I was speaking seriously. HA-HA, yeah. So what are my lines again?
BENJAMIN: Uhhhh, "have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? Well if you have, time to do it again, b*tches! ZAM!" and you spray her with your trick flower full of acid. Ready?
JOKER: I believe so. HA-HA, yeah.
BENJAMIN: Then ACTION!
JOKER: Hello there little Olsen twin. I see there's two of you...O.K. by my standards, HA-HA, yeah.
BENJAMIN: CUT!
V/O: And finally, Eric Roberts, in the role of Robin, the boy wonder!
ROBIN: COME ON COACH, YA GOTTA LET ME COMPETE! THIS IS ALL I GOT COACH, IT'S ALL I GOT!
BENJAMIN: CUT! Roberts, what are you doing? This ain't 'Best of the Best!' And Alfred ain't James Earl Jones! You're supposed to thank him for buying you a Big Mac for lunch, and then plug McDonald's some more. They're producing this sh*t...
BATMAN (VIN) FROM ABOVE THE SET: Is it ready yet?!
VOICE FROM BACKGROUND: Yeah, I think so! Go ahead!
BENJAMIN: No, what are you talking about? It's not ready! We're still not-(Interruption)
BATMAN: (Riding off the top of the set on the Bat-motorcycle) I LIVE FOR THIS SH*T! (Crashes loudly into some props; motorcycle is wrecked.)
(CUTTO: Batman shooting bad guys with a sniper rifle)
ROBIN: Holy tuna melt, coach, where'd you learn to shoot like that?
BATMAN: I PLAY FIRT PERSON SHOOTER VIDEO GAMES! (Bang Bang, Kick Punch)
ROBIN: Holy plastic dog sh*t, coach, where'd you learn to fight like that?
BATMAN: I WATCHED 'ENTER THE DRAGON' 8 TIMES ON DVD! (Beep beep beep)
ROBIN: Holy edible panties, coach, where'd you learn to use that high tech bat-gadget like that?
BATMAN: I USE THE INTERNET! And stop calling me coach!
V/O: This summer, when you need to COOL OFF in a BIG WAY...
(CUTTO: Mr. Freeze throws a pipe at Robin)
MR. FREEZE: Hey boy wonder, why don't you PIPE DOWN!
V/O: ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTIONS!
BATMAN: I LIVE FOR THIS SH*T!
V/O: BATMAN 2003! Rated T, for Trendy!
(FTB)
BENJAMIN: It's like my immortal legend of a grandfather, El Puta, always said: "You must direct really cool movies." I think. So anyway, after my sequels to Save the Last Dance, The Mighty Ducks, and Free Willy bombed like a Palestinian at the box office, I decided, hey, maybe I should call it quits. My long life dream of creating great sequels to bad movies had not been realized, and probably never would. Then I realized the truth, and that was...well, what else? I had to keep going! I had to make BETTER sequels of WORSE movies! So I thought, hmmmm...Gremlins? Nah, that sequal was good. Problem Child? Nah, John Ritter, not to mention my good buddy from New York, would throw a fit. Police Academy? 6 guys already tried that, too late for me. Suddenly, when all hope seemed to be lost, something appeared on my screen; it was Batman and Robin. George Clooney, you son of a b*tch! You ruined what Michael Keaton had once made great, and you just gave me the greatest idea in the history of mankind! MAKE ANOTHER BATMAN FILM! And so the next day, I phoned Warner Bros. They basically laughed and told me, "Take the rights! You can't get much worse than our last outing. Go ahead, have a field day!" But mi amigos, you were dead wrong! This is Benjamin "El Puta" Hernandez you're talking to! I filmed Jesse selling his body for drugs and whale food during Free Willy 3, and I'll be damned if I don't live up to the same standard for Batman 5!
I sent a memo over to Jack Nicholson, asking him to revive his role as the Joker. The next day, he sent me back the same memo, only it had what looked to be human feces smeared down the middle of it. Then I called Michael Keaton. Funny, as soon as I said the word 'Batman', dude man hung up! So I said "Screw him!" I'll find my own damn Batman! So without further ado...here is...BATMAN 2003!
(CUTTO: The Batmobile riding at about 170 down the streets of L.A. with about 4 other cars including a Corvette, a Subaru, an Audi, and a Mustang GT.)
REALLY DEEP V/O: What would you say if Batman started street racing?
(CUTTO: The Batmobile zooms in first past the checkered flag.)
V/O: Would you say the odds are against him?
(CUTTO: Batmobile skid turns, stops.)
V/O: But if I told you that this summer, Vin Diesel put on the Batsuit...
(CUTTO: Vin Diesel jumps out of the Batmobile, wearing the Batsuit, cape flying in the air, his crotch pitchin' a tent.)
BATMAN: YO! Who's got my money?!
V/O: THEN THE ODDS JUST GOT EVEN!
(CUEUP: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park)
V/O: Featuring Vin Diesel as the black knight himself! Along with the old guy who played Alfred in all four Batman movies as...Alfred!
(CUTTO: Batman and Alfred step away from the Batmobile, towards a crowd.)
BATMAN: Now somebody here owes my ass 5,000 dollars, PLUS their Mustang GT, PLUS their girlfriend! If you just hand over the goods right now, maybe I'll consider not letting my man Alfred here take your girl up the Hershey highway.
ALFRED: Oh DO reconsider sir!
V/O: Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze!
(CUTTO: Mr. Freeze lands his big ice space ship onto the curb, gets out.)
MR. FREEZE: COOL car! But I think it's overheated! (Sprays the Batmobile with icicles.)
BATMAN: Yo b*tches, whatchoo doing? I worked hard on this prime piece of Bat-work! Now I KNOW you ain't be tryin' to ruin the new transmission I just put on it!
MR. FREEZE: DIE, WINGED BAT PIG! (Throws huge icicle at Batman)
V/O: Also starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, as Batgirl! And the infamous Billy Dee Williams, as the Joker!
JOKER: (In Billy's slickest voice) Why HELLO THERE little Olsen twin. Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? How about mated with a 12 inch anaconda from a galaxy far, far away? HA-HA, yeah. I heard you girls are legal now...that's cool; and if I do say so myself, I-(interruption)
BENJAMIN: (Heard from the background of the set.) CUT! Billy, those aren't your lines, man!
JOKER: Yes Benjamin, I know. I was speaking seriously. HA-HA, yeah. So what are my lines again?
BENJAMIN: Uhhhh, "have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? Well if you have, time to do it again, b*tches! ZAM!" and you spray her with your trick flower full of acid. Ready?
JOKER: I believe so. HA-HA, yeah.
BENJAMIN: Then ACTION!
JOKER: Hello there little Olsen twin. I see there's two of you...O.K. by my standards, HA-HA, yeah.
BENJAMIN: CUT!
V/O: And finally, Eric Roberts, in the role of Robin, the boy wonder!
ROBIN: COME ON COACH, YA GOTTA LET ME COMPETE! THIS IS ALL I GOT COACH, IT'S ALL I GOT!
BENJAMIN: CUT! Roberts, what are you doing? This ain't 'Best of the Best!' And Alfred ain't James Earl Jones! You're supposed to thank him for buying you a Big Mac for lunch, and then plug McDonald's some more. They're producing this sh*t...
BATMAN (VIN) FROM ABOVE THE SET: Is it ready yet?!
VOICE FROM BACKGROUND: Yeah, I think so! Go ahead!
BENJAMIN: No, what are you talking about? It's not ready! We're still not-(Interruption)
BATMAN: (Riding off the top of the set on the Bat-motorcycle) I LIVE FOR THIS SH*T! (Crashes loudly into some props; motorcycle is wrecked.)
(CUTTO: Batman shooting bad guys with a sniper rifle)
ROBIN: Holy tuna melt, coach, where'd you learn to shoot like that?
BATMAN: I PLAY FIRT PERSON SHOOTER VIDEO GAMES! (Bang Bang, Kick Punch)
ROBIN: Holy plastic dog sh*t, coach, where'd you learn to fight like that?
BATMAN: I WATCHED 'ENTER THE DRAGON' 8 TIMES ON DVD! (Beep beep beep)
ROBIN: Holy edible panties, coach, where'd you learn to use that high tech bat-gadget like that?
BATMAN: I USE THE INTERNET! And stop calling me coach!
V/O: This summer, when you need to COOL OFF in a BIG WAY...
(CUTTO: Mr. Freeze throws a pipe at Robin)
MR. FREEZE: Hey boy wonder, why don't you PIPE DOWN!
V/O: ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTIONS!
BATMAN: I LIVE FOR THIS SH*T!
V/O: BATMAN 2003! Rated T, for Trendy!
(FTB)
