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[Defiance] Satan's Hot Thoughts!


Staff member
Jun 26, 2009
Satan’s Hot Thoughts! The Best and Worst in the Week of Defiance September Second in the year of our glorious fiery lord. mmmmmmhhehehehehahahahAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Satan watched DEFIANCE television this week live from Hell, and Satan was most impressed with what he saw, the parts he was awake for were both riveting, and terrifying.

To Satan’s great surprise Chris Cannon has appeared on live television, He doesn’t remember when Chris Cannon sold his soul, between eating all of Angus Confectioner’s sugar, and the wall of cotton candy, Satan is sure it had to have happened as Chris Cannon appealed to women and gay women everywhere with his lusty thrustrations and bold words. Satan welcomes him to the fold of darkness.

Cancer Jiles proceeded to be so Cool that hell froze over, he let the people in attendance know how Cool he was, and proceeded to make sure that the Foreshadowing also knew what COOL was, Satan would mention more, but he can’t or type the words eGG Bandits as per contractual Obligations! Wait...

In other news:

Defiance held a house show in Reseda, Satan missed the show due to Traffic on the high way to San Diego, which he later learned is not Reseda at all. Angus was terribly lost without his partner in crime, but the show went on. Satan’s hand picked servants of glory the ****/b/olts were joined by a new enforcer, one Frank Dylan James of Chair Swinging fame, how this will play out in their legendary rivalry against Two Adjacent Lockers is anyone’s guess, but Satan knows it will make for prime time television and live action.

Did you know you can catch Defiance Television live on ESEN? Satan wasn’t sure, so he contacted his local cable operator and ordered several pizzas, Satan is still hungry and waiting for his pizzas, if the local pizza operator reads this, DO YOUR DARK MASTERS BOUNTIFUL BIDDING MMMMHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHEheheheheh

DEFIANCE Television continued on, when Satan pulled ESEN network executive Elijah Goldman, also know as Goldbaums foot powder, for a few comments, he had the following to say:

“It’s not Halloween, and who are you.”

Satan had to admit he hadn’t seen Elijah Goldman either, so he inquired further into the future direction of the project with Defiance.

“Wait, you’re the extra dumb one from the house shows, right?”

Satan assured him he wasn’t Angus Skatman, despite seemingly being confused Mr. Goldbaum continued

“We’re going to make DEFIANCE in to the most marketable brand of wrestling on the planet, and we are starting by injecting the kind of market friendly talent that this federation so desperately needs.”

Satan insinuated that he already works for DEFIANCE, but Elijah Goldman felt compelled to continue.

“This wrestling federation has names like Victor Mandrake, Eric Dane, Stephen Greer, and what has it amounted to? A few large house shows? No way baby, E-Gold is here to take this to the next level, ESEN is not about living hand to mouth, and it’s not about the “Hustle”, Those old names are going to be washed away in the fire of exciting, NEW, young talent that matches up strongly with the demographics that we’re aiming for!”


As always Boston Bancroft and his large and bulbous World Title were present, as was Ronnie Long, and though both men’s actions would shape DEFICIANCE Television, this reporter has been assured replays will be available all week at our innarweb service provider, Satan was thrown out of the house he had assumed for his kingly of darknessly duties by the police, so in his scramble to the bar he missed the exact action, but Satan can assure you where Boston Bancroft is concerned, controversy is not far off, and when Ronnie Long is afoot, his shovel is never far from his front pocket. Satan thinks you can put a shovel in a front pocket.

Shortly after having his mind warped by Satan, Elijah Goldman found himself face to middle torso region with Victor Mandrake, who has been legally declared a country under UN Bylaw 7.85172 stating that anything that terrifies Satan must be declared sovereign immediately. What happened next was so shocking that viewers at home pooped their pants collectively as Victor Mandrake discovered he owed several American dollars for the use of a parking spot or some such thing. Victor Mandrake refused, only to show Elijah Goldman the ceiling fixtures for inspection. Satan isn’t sure what happened, but watching the replay will help his legion of dark followers in their path to glory!

Kasper Braddock proved that despite having nine knee replacements and a mostly cyborgbotic upper carapace that one can wrestle at the age of a million. Though Satan remembers fondly his clashes with Moses, his match with Joe Drago of the Cowboy Dragon Cowboys was one for the ages. Senior Citizens everywhere were delighted to be wokend from their evening sleep at six PM to discover that AARP World Champion Kasper Braddock had felled the mighty young stallion, Satan was on the scene to collect observations:

“My Children never visit.”

“Why are you in my room?”


Satan feels compelled to consume their souls.

Jake Donovan felt compelled talk to Charlie this week, and Charlie gave him the kind of sensible advice that has been dwindling my followers for centuries.

Jake Donovan gets my Angel of the Week award, because I want to light his couch on fire mmmmmmmmmmheheheheheehAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bronson Box and Edward White fought an old timey duel to the death.

“No they didn’t. You were asleep, asshole, write that down word for word.”
Angus demanded that quote be printed, but Satan would sure remember sleeping through something on Television, at the bar.

“You weren’t at the bar fatpants. you couldn’t find one, you called me and said “Angus this is Satan mmmmm he he ha ha,” you know your laugh.

Satan does.

“Watch the show so that Satan may write the DEFIANCE news article, well blast piss, how did YOU get a news article? what have you ever even done, you didn’t even WATCH the show, you read a report on the internet, if anyone WANTS to actually watch DEFIANCE TV, we’re streaming the shows at our website. God, you make me want to drink a Drain-o martini.”

Satan strongly recommends this fashionable drink to all young people.

In closing Satan will start with a formal interview of a member of DEFIANCE, this week Satan is obligated to interview Eric Dane, the man who presumably signs Satan’s Pay Checks. Though Satan is unclear on his pay structure, it must be large.

With some help from all around good guy Pete Whealdon, Satan was able to finally access the restricted and protected wing where Eric Dane was being held. Satan found Mr. Dane asleep in his bed, but once again thanks to Pete Whealdon and his “poke it with a stick” strategy, Eric Dane was almost fully awake in short time

Kevin “Satan” Alloy:
Mr. Eric Dane, some would say you are the greatest wrestler to ever wrestle. Satan demands to know why.

Eric Dane’s eyes, droopy from morphine, looked directly at Satan, and while he didn’t speak Satan knew his thoughts.

Did you order yourself some delicious pizza?

Kevin “Satan” Alloy:
Satan didn’t realize he was being interviewed, the question is difficult, and stressful. Id like to turn it back on you Mr. Dane, where were you at Waterloo Inn during the Whitewash investigation? And how do you feel about the ESEN involvement in DEFIANCE?

Pete Whealdon noted that the Hospital security had discovered their intrusion, but Journalistastic integrity in the face of odds has always been Satan’s creed, so they hastily bailed out of the window. What can’t be communicated through my abrupt interview is the psychic power of Eric Dane, he clearly demanded I order pizza and I did.

Satan almost forgot. here are this week’s rankings from DEFIANCE, calculated using the same fair and accurate methods from the fine people at my favorite corporation BCS!



1. Boston Bancroft [“World” Champion] [^]
2. Cancer Jiles [“COOL” Champion] [v]
3. Edward White [^]
4. Bronson Box [^]
5. Doozer [Southern Heritage Champion] [v]
6. Jimmy Kort [^]
7. Stephen Greer [v]
8. Jeff Andrews [v]
9. Terrence Thompson [^]
10. Cade Carson [^]


The Tragic Heroes​

1. The Foreshadowing [^]
2. St. Louis #3 [^]
3. The Sex Symbols [^]
4. The Untouchables [^]
5. The ****/b/olts [^]

Well that wraps up this exciting yet flamable edition of Satan’s Hot Thoughts! Satan demands the presence of Stephen Greer for the next Hot Thoughts!, and will have it. Satan will also report all that is newsworthy and happening in DEFIANCE!


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