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The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
Aug 26, 2008
(FADE-IN: a man in a sequined goldfish mask stands before the camera. He's in the kitchen of a small and skanky apartment which has a wooden table and chairs in the centre of it. Dishes pile up in a heap and roaches crawl over them.

The man is goldFISH. The latest TWW sensation to sign a contract.

Microphone in hand. Runs a hand over his gills and stares down the barrel of the camera as though he were ready to ask a question.)

goldFISH: "S'pose ya wonderin', what am I doin' here? Why the f*ck would I bother comin' to a cumspittlin' community like Troy Windham Wreslin'. I'd like to tell you but if you don't know then don't worry about it. We've been through this a thousand times, Kevin. If you don't know what you did wrong the I'm NOT goin' to f*cken tell you."

(goldFISH rolls his eyes and shakes his head as though disappointed.)

goldFISH: "Truth is I don't know what this is. I woke up here. With a potato sack for a blanket and a piece of paper that said 'TWW Contractual Agreement'. For five WHOLE minutes I was worried that 'TWW' meant Troy Windham Wrestling. HA! That would've been f*cken awkward.

"I mean, let's look at an example of what TWW possibly could have been. You've got Troy Windham Wrestling. Erm..."

(Counting on his fingers he bends his index back as though it might help spur on more thought.)

goldFISH: "...erm. Could mean..."

(He taps his finger against where his lips might be under the goldfish mask he wears. Rat-a-tat-tat goes his finger it does.)

goldFISH: "...w-eeeeelllll it COULD mean Troy Windham Wrestlin' or even... could even... um. I dunno. Could also be..."

(goldFISH runs a hand over the top of his mask and folds his arms, looking into the distance for answers on what TWW could mean.)

goldFISH: "Could be lotsa things, yeah? Like... Troy Wind- no, I said that already, right. What else could it be? Think goldy, think. Um..."

(Hands bounces up with his index finger pointing toward the heavens in an epiphenomenon like way. As though he had an idea.)

goldFISH: "Oooo! Oooo! Ooooo! I got it! It's on the tip of my tongue. It's start with 'T', right? Rhymes with... um... rhymes with... c'mon, think-think-THINK!

"Rhymes with 'Saskatchewan'! Yeah! that's it! Rhymes with that. UNGH! The word is, like, RIGHT on the top of my tongue, yeah. Don't you hate that? When you know you know the word, right, but just can't think of it for the life of you? Don't you hate that, yeah?"

(Slap-slap-slap goes his hand upon his forehead as he throws his arms out by his sides in frustration. Sighs heavily and longingly before pulling out a wooden seat from the table. His ass plonks down heavily into the seat.

He looks up at the camera and his eyes widened as he notices the camera. Eyes widen further as he notices the boom operator and the onsite producer. Glancing between them all his breathing raises to a panic. Pushes to his seat and snatches the wooden chair into the air as though it were a weapon. Ready to strike at will.)


Boom Operator: "Dude, this is the staff kitchen!"


(He takes a look around.)

goldFISH: "Staff kitchen? I don't have any f*cken staff. The f*ck outta here. I know what ya tryin' to do. Tryin' to get me drunk and pop date rape pills into my wine spritzer so you can get me in the bathtub while one of you ramfaces ramfaces me and the other cuts out my kidney and tries to sell it for kitten porn. Am I right or am I right?"

(goldFISH, still wielding the chair dangerously, looks between the trio. Awaiting his answer.)

goldFISH: "Right?"

Camera Technician: "Nah. Nah, mang."

goldFISH: "Nah?"

Boom Operator: ::shakes his head:: "Nope. Sorry."

goldFISH: ::sighs:: "F*ck. What are you doing here then?"

Boom Operator: "Filming your promo."

goldFISH: "My promo?"

Boom Operator: "Yeah."

goldFISH: "For what?"

Camera Technician: "For TWW."

Producer: "It's a wrestling promo for TWW."

goldFISH: "Wrestling promo?

Producer: "Yeah."

Boom Operator: ::nods:: "Yeah. Wrestling promo."

goldFISH: "OK. How was it going?"

Boom Operator: "Honestly?"

(goldFISH nods, looking between the three men awaiting a response. His own body language suggested that he wasn't so pleased with reading their body language.)

goldFISH: "Yeah. Honestly."

Boom Operator: "It was aaaaaaal-right I guess."

Camera Technician: "Nah. It was ****e, bro."

goldFISH: "****e? As in sh*t?"

Camera Technician: "Yeah."

goldFISH: "F*ck. Can we start over?"

Producer: "Well..." ::looks at his watch:: "...we should probably cut our losses, y'know? Time is money and this really wasn't going anywhere fast."

(Dejected, goldFISH lowers the chair to the floor and sits down, resting his head in his hands.

The producer walks over and wraps an arm around his shoulder, giving him an encouraging shake of the shoulders.)

Producer: "There-there, buddy. You might do better next time."

(Letting out a brave sniffle, goldy raises his head to look the producer in the eye.)

goldFISH: "You mean that?"

Producer: "Sure I do."

(goldFISH smiles beneath his mask and his chest puffs a little more.)

goldFISH: "Thanks."

Producer: "Don't mention it."

goldFISH: "No really..." ::holds his hand out for a handshake:: "...thanks! I mean it."

(The producer looks at it for a long while, almost too long. Then he boldly accepts the handshake and ruffles his mask top which would be the fin that runs front-to-back along his goldfish mask.)

Producer: "You're welcome. Honestly."

goldFISH: "Thanks to ALL of you."

Camera Technician: "Nah man. Thank-you. This was fun."

Boom Operator: "Yeah. A real hoot!"

(goldFISH gets up and opens the fridge, peering in to find something to eat. Removing a sandwich and sniffing it as the camera man puts the lens cap on.

Fade to BLACK~!)

Note: Hope you weren't hoping to get anything out of this.
I fooled the SH*T outta you ya f*cken schmuck!


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