Colin
The best handler ever since 2012: He is a gem
Man: Do I have to deal with this piece of crap on a pogostick waste of time? I've done so many of these you eventually get bored of them.
Exciting Man #2: Look if you got fired less or if your friends didn't destroy companies from the inside you wouldn't have this problem. It's not my fault you have to keep seeking new companies.
Man: And it's not my fault you can't seem to do your job and give me LOTS OF MONEY.
Man #2: Maybe if you were less worthless you'd have more money.
The voices belonged to two men, in case the man and man #2 thing threw you off, I can confirm that they were indeed two men. The two men to whom those voices did belong were 'YOUR Entertainment Saviour' Philip M. Atken Esq. BA and Dr. Dick Dirkwood PhD and Superagent. They are standing to the side of a black NFW v.3 backdrop in what one would presume to be a filming studio. The camera crew are prepping for what is no doubt expected to be an introduction promo.
Phil: Well I suppose a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to fund his hookers and blow addiction.
Dick: Hey guys... GUYS! We're not filming this yet are we?
Misc. Crew Member: Anything in this building is filmed sir, we use it to fill up the season pass channel.
Dick: Oh ****, oh ****, OH ****! Phil you can't say things like that in front of a camera, you'll be out of the door just as quick as we entered it.
Phil: Dicky Dickmeister relax, I was just kidding.
Dick: Oh thank god!
Phil: Yeah, I gave up the hookers months ago.
With that comment he gives Dick some weird toothy grin and a thumbs up then shoves him to one side as he stumbles his way over to the blue spot. Dick on the other hand is slamming his head repeatedly off the wooden beam next to him. Phil shoots him another thumbs up before turning his attention towards the camera directly in front of him.
Phil: So we're primed and ready to go with this baby?
Misc Crew Member: We'll be ready to shoot your introduction in a minute sir.
Phil: Great, gives me a second to look over my notes!
Phil fumbles around in his pocket for a moment, pulling out various bits of fluff, old bus tickets, the occasional house key, a bunch of foreign money, two toothbrushes and a pet goldfish before he finally finds a piece of scrunched up to death paper.
Phil: Let me see here, I'm great yadda yadda yadda, bow down before me yak yak yak. You pathetic cretins etcetera etcetera. Alright, I'm primed and ready to go.
MCM: Well go then!
Phil: Oh, ah... emm alright.
Phil looks bewildered for a brief moment before turning his attention to Dick who is beginning to smash his head off the wooden beam once more. For some reason this gives Phil a sneerish grin. He turns back to face the camera directly in front of him.
Phil: I've been down this road once too often, I'm sick and tired of having to sneak into a promotion through the back door and climb the ladder to success step by step. For those of you unaware, I'm Phil Atken and trust me the pleasure is all yours. Just don't expect me to shake that filthy unwashed hand of yours. Let's be honest here, man to man or man to woman or man to queerbasket, the average wrestling fan is a member of the great unwashed and the great uneducated. They spend their days shoving food in their mouth, meanwhile they say that because they're moving their arm it's exercise and then spend the rest of the day rolling around in the filth pit they call their home.
Now the reason I say all these things is because a thought occurred to me as I stood in front of the camera today. At the very heart of these little introductions pieces the goal is always either through hatred or love to try and impress you, the viewing audience. Some will tell you how much of a bad ass they are and how they will maim anyone who stands in their path and you should hate them because they'll do it to your wife's face. Some will tell you they're a hero because they saved a kitten from being molested by a five year old pedophile and you should love them because of it DAMN IT. Others will try to convince your or their coolness or their storied past. Basically when you watch this channel you will no doubt see the heart and the hate of many. I suppose that brings us to the question of the message I'm trying to convey...
Phil strokes his unshaved chin for a few moments of quiet contemplation. Or at least that's what he's trying to convey...
Phil: Damn, I really need to shave I'm starting to look hoboish in my appearance. Although I suppose that would always help me to deeper infiltrate the Hobo Circle of Trust. Those hobo's know all the best tricks in life.
Dick: Ahem.
Phil: Oh right, as I was saying. I've thought long and hard about the message I'd want to send to you, the message that could very well define me to you "fans" for quite some time to come and trust me it's always hard to try and set the correct tone. Then it hit me.
Phil snaps his fingers.
Phil: It hit me just like that. I do not need to nor do I care about impressing you cretinous swim in pig poop doltbiscuits. Oh no, not at all. It struck me as very much a case of Want vs. Need. You need me but I don't want to be here but I need to do something with my time so I thought I'd inject just a tad of salvation into this place. Not the kind of salvation that those Southern Baptist Coalition monkeys would offer you. There's no book involved in my salvation, heck there's no money involved in it either. All you need to do is keep NFW on whatever you seem me standing in front of this camera and you will be saved. You will be saved from the worthless, the unentertaining and the dipsticks of this promotion. Entertainment Salvation is the only sort of saving anyone ever needs to care about. I'd go far as to say it's the only thing anyone would ever need to make their life complete.
Now I'm sure many of you at home are saying to yourself "Self, can I trust this Entertainment Salvation". Well, I can answer that the minute after I have you committed for talking to yourself you retarded puddle of worthlessness. The answer is of course you can trust it, you worthless lump, I have been an accredited Entertainment Saviour for over five years now and have to the backings of many doctors and researchers limited to and including Dr. Dick Dirkwood PhD. Isn't that right Dick?
Dick: My life before Phil was successful yet mundane. Now my life is a mess and sometimes I think about ending it all but I'm always entertained! All thanks to Phil Atken, 'Your Entertainment Saviour'
Phil: See folks you just can't buy testimonials like that, trust me I've tried but then that monkey fired me. God I hate monkeys. However you can trust that testimonial, he's a PhD after all. To sum up, all I simply want to say is NFW is going to be saved, it's going to saved from the boring and the mundane and it will all be by my hands.
I'm too smart to let it happen any other way.
Dick: Ahem.
Phil: Oh yeah... almost forgot. I'm great you will bow down before me you pathetic cretins! You happy now Dick that your lines made it in?
Dick: Ecstatic!
Fin.
Exciting Man #2: Look if you got fired less or if your friends didn't destroy companies from the inside you wouldn't have this problem. It's not my fault you have to keep seeking new companies.
Man: And it's not my fault you can't seem to do your job and give me LOTS OF MONEY.
Man #2: Maybe if you were less worthless you'd have more money.
The voices belonged to two men, in case the man and man #2 thing threw you off, I can confirm that they were indeed two men. The two men to whom those voices did belong were 'YOUR Entertainment Saviour' Philip M. Atken Esq. BA and Dr. Dick Dirkwood PhD and Superagent. They are standing to the side of a black NFW v.3 backdrop in what one would presume to be a filming studio. The camera crew are prepping for what is no doubt expected to be an introduction promo.
Phil: Well I suppose a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to fund his hookers and blow addiction.
Dick: Hey guys... GUYS! We're not filming this yet are we?
Misc. Crew Member: Anything in this building is filmed sir, we use it to fill up the season pass channel.
Dick: Oh ****, oh ****, OH ****! Phil you can't say things like that in front of a camera, you'll be out of the door just as quick as we entered it.
Phil: Dicky Dickmeister relax, I was just kidding.
Dick: Oh thank god!
Phil: Yeah, I gave up the hookers months ago.
With that comment he gives Dick some weird toothy grin and a thumbs up then shoves him to one side as he stumbles his way over to the blue spot. Dick on the other hand is slamming his head repeatedly off the wooden beam next to him. Phil shoots him another thumbs up before turning his attention towards the camera directly in front of him.
Phil: So we're primed and ready to go with this baby?
Misc Crew Member: We'll be ready to shoot your introduction in a minute sir.
Phil: Great, gives me a second to look over my notes!
Phil fumbles around in his pocket for a moment, pulling out various bits of fluff, old bus tickets, the occasional house key, a bunch of foreign money, two toothbrushes and a pet goldfish before he finally finds a piece of scrunched up to death paper.
Phil: Let me see here, I'm great yadda yadda yadda, bow down before me yak yak yak. You pathetic cretins etcetera etcetera. Alright, I'm primed and ready to go.
MCM: Well go then!
Phil: Oh, ah... emm alright.
Phil looks bewildered for a brief moment before turning his attention to Dick who is beginning to smash his head off the wooden beam once more. For some reason this gives Phil a sneerish grin. He turns back to face the camera directly in front of him.
Phil: I've been down this road once too often, I'm sick and tired of having to sneak into a promotion through the back door and climb the ladder to success step by step. For those of you unaware, I'm Phil Atken and trust me the pleasure is all yours. Just don't expect me to shake that filthy unwashed hand of yours. Let's be honest here, man to man or man to woman or man to queerbasket, the average wrestling fan is a member of the great unwashed and the great uneducated. They spend their days shoving food in their mouth, meanwhile they say that because they're moving their arm it's exercise and then spend the rest of the day rolling around in the filth pit they call their home.
Now the reason I say all these things is because a thought occurred to me as I stood in front of the camera today. At the very heart of these little introductions pieces the goal is always either through hatred or love to try and impress you, the viewing audience. Some will tell you how much of a bad ass they are and how they will maim anyone who stands in their path and you should hate them because they'll do it to your wife's face. Some will tell you they're a hero because they saved a kitten from being molested by a five year old pedophile and you should love them because of it DAMN IT. Others will try to convince your or their coolness or their storied past. Basically when you watch this channel you will no doubt see the heart and the hate of many. I suppose that brings us to the question of the message I'm trying to convey...
Phil strokes his unshaved chin for a few moments of quiet contemplation. Or at least that's what he's trying to convey...
Phil: Damn, I really need to shave I'm starting to look hoboish in my appearance. Although I suppose that would always help me to deeper infiltrate the Hobo Circle of Trust. Those hobo's know all the best tricks in life.
Dick: Ahem.
Phil: Oh right, as I was saying. I've thought long and hard about the message I'd want to send to you, the message that could very well define me to you "fans" for quite some time to come and trust me it's always hard to try and set the correct tone. Then it hit me.
Phil snaps his fingers.
Phil: It hit me just like that. I do not need to nor do I care about impressing you cretinous swim in pig poop doltbiscuits. Oh no, not at all. It struck me as very much a case of Want vs. Need. You need me but I don't want to be here but I need to do something with my time so I thought I'd inject just a tad of salvation into this place. Not the kind of salvation that those Southern Baptist Coalition monkeys would offer you. There's no book involved in my salvation, heck there's no money involved in it either. All you need to do is keep NFW on whatever you seem me standing in front of this camera and you will be saved. You will be saved from the worthless, the unentertaining and the dipsticks of this promotion. Entertainment Salvation is the only sort of saving anyone ever needs to care about. I'd go far as to say it's the only thing anyone would ever need to make their life complete.
Now I'm sure many of you at home are saying to yourself "Self, can I trust this Entertainment Salvation". Well, I can answer that the minute after I have you committed for talking to yourself you retarded puddle of worthlessness. The answer is of course you can trust it, you worthless lump, I have been an accredited Entertainment Saviour for over five years now and have to the backings of many doctors and researchers limited to and including Dr. Dick Dirkwood PhD. Isn't that right Dick?
Dick: My life before Phil was successful yet mundane. Now my life is a mess and sometimes I think about ending it all but I'm always entertained! All thanks to Phil Atken, 'Your Entertainment Saviour'
Phil: See folks you just can't buy testimonials like that, trust me I've tried but then that monkey fired me. God I hate monkeys. However you can trust that testimonial, he's a PhD after all. To sum up, all I simply want to say is NFW is going to be saved, it's going to saved from the boring and the mundane and it will all be by my hands.
I'm too smart to let it happen any other way.
Dick: Ahem.
Phil: Oh yeah... almost forgot. I'm great you will bow down before me you pathetic cretins! You happy now Dick that your lines made it in?
Dick: Ecstatic!
Fin.
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