(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of a TEAM EPW backdrop.)
MELTON: Brian Stinberg, a lesser man would cave and take the time to learn who the **** you are. A man NOT of my upbringing or genetic talent, sinful good luck, and tree stump dick would do a background check on the WZW to no doubt uncover the fraud you almost have to be. Where is Matt Lauer? Where's Waldo knocking down my door with hidden cameras and special
victims unit waiting in the trimmed brushes? I'm no idiot. Friend to all animals and prolific campaigner to stop unnecessary product testing on animals, but no idiot. I'm going to walk to the center of that ring, shake your hand, and then take a pie to the face. The lights will raise, and Eric Estrada, fellow pink Elephant trainer and friend, will ham his way into the scene, mic in hand, telling me, "Joey Melton relax this is NOT your life."
The single most entertaining wrestler in the world today, Brian, does NOT know your name. Nor will he take the time to half-ass his way through a few holds and take the photo-op with you.
Joey Melton in TEAM.
WZW....God bless you.
Someone ****ing sneezed and you apparently if you're to be taken at face value have a weekend job. That's great. Maybe that sells in dumb**** USA, the Hinterlands of professional wrestling, but i'm not buying.
I know I'm better than this.
Eric...roll my footage. The clips I've been specially preparing for the last twenty years for a moment just like this. A ten minute reel of my greatest hits, and boy Howdy there have been plenty, to be played to me over and over again when I eventually fall from grace. It happens so fast. One minute you're wrestling on a Cruise ship in front of hundreds, sending a midget through a section of a buffet line for the World Junior title, the next, you're well, rubbing elbows with anal plumbers and tapeworms of wrestling. I know this would be a huge victory Brian. It'd make that post match Meth high really mean something, but I won't be tanking this match. The one thing stopping me from finding the nearest bridge and ending it before I fall deeper and show up in MBE or some **** league like that... well, it's being a part of TEAM EPW.
Tell me Brian...have you ever been on a lunchbox? Sold in retail stores right next to the Powerpuff girls, and the three *****es from "Charmed?"
Have you ever rolled your wrestling buddy a doobie and smoked a bowl together? Actually that's sort of the thing you would do you sick **** if you had a wrestling buddy made in your likness. But you haven't. Maybe your grandmama stiched your initials "S-H-I-T" on the back of your trunks and sent you out of the house all "grow'd up" but you don't know the he joy and the hell of being marketed. Having to smile at EVERY ****ing face. Having
to promise EVERY single cancer patient that yeah, you'll win that World Title for them. And if you can do that, they can win a second lease on life. Fifty percent of the time, they die before you have to grovel into the owner's office for a World title shot, but the point is Brian, you've never even been in that room to make a false promise.
I have.
Joey Melton first suggested Pluto wasn't a planet.
We all ****ing knew it wasn't, didn't we?
No, you didn't Brian. You looked in the sky, saw a big bright light and thought, "One day i'm taking my kids there on vacation."
Nice. Go spend a week on a piece of rock nobody loves anymore. I called it years ago, because I see things nobody else wants to see. I'm a realist Brian.
I'm Joey Melton.
You're some farm boy who's always wanted to join the Academdy with Biggs and Farmer Ted. It's not that you hate the Empire I've become..it's just...you don't understand it. And the responiblity I have to being this great, night and day.
TEAM EPW = LUnchboxes and personalized E-cards on the Internet.
TEAM SNEEZE =
Maybe you should fill in the blanks, Bobby.
Our TEAM EPW footwear just arrived and I wanna try it on. This is third time it's been redone. They thought I was kidding when I said I wanted seashells painted on, and the sound of the ocean piped in through a headset.
What does that say that I'm having more trouble being dressed properly than I am with this match?
(FTB)
