Who Are You? Ooo-ooo!
* Mr. Entertainment RP for C02.
(((FADE IN to the set of “That’s Entertainment”. There’s a drumkit and riser in the band area, but we PAN ROUND before we get a good look at the logo. The crowd are cheering as “That’s Entertainment” by The Jam plays. PANNING ROUND still, we see the stage, and near the logo there’s a casket for some reason. Finally we catch sight of Mr. Entertainment. He’s sat behind his desk on stage, and he’s forgone his leather jacket to allow us to see his “Mr. Entertainment – 1 W, 0 L” T-shirt. He waits for the crowd to stop cheering before he speaks, his voice dripping with so much arrogance you’d think Rick Martel had been spraying the room)))
ME: What did I say? Hm? When Cammy came ou’ an’ said he wanted ta be world champ, talkin’ abou’ this an’ that, I promised that this was a new New ERA – an’ tha’s what it was at the first Cyberstrike. A real new ERA! An’ it was almost the perfect start to this New ERA, with ME
Mister Entertainment
Putting the crowd out of Cammy’s delusional misery an’ beatin’ him fer the one, two… three.
What, ya expected somethin’ else? Cammy’s stuck in the past, man. It’s time ta move forward. Onward, an’ upward, ta creatin’ MY vision. A true New ERA that’ll stand the test o’ time as the greatest professional wrestlin’ company EVER! An’ ta do tha’, I’ve gotta continue showin’ people who can cut it, an’ who can’t.
Now – at Cyberstrike I watched a lot o’ talented people, sat in the crowd watchin’ some truly mediocre wrestling. Even the eye candy in the triple threat couldn’t save tha’ match from suckin’ so bad, the crap-stained rug in the dressing room tha’ Erik Black was sleepin’ on got clean. Who ever said First was a good wrestler clearly needs their prescription updatin’.
Because not ONE of the other guys an’ gals on the roster has what it takes. None of ya deserve ta lace up my boots or even say “hi” ta Big Greasy Chuck the guy who wipes the nose of the guy who cleans the toilets!
Cameron Cruise? Well, we knew he’d never beat ME
Mister Entertainment.
But what abou’ the others, huh? The Druid? Couldn’t beat Jason Payne without some mindless MORONS causin’ distraction after distraction after distraction. Jason Payne? Couldn’t ignore the distractions an’ allowed himself ta get beat by a guy who needed mindless morons ta help him pick up a win.
Well, wha’ abou’ match number three? Jonny Boy Marx beatin’ up on Adrian Willard? Willard came here ta collect a pay cheque, an’ Jonny Boy? Took WAAAAAAAY too long ta pick up the win. Jonny, yer a slouch! Quit slouchin’, because there’s no room fer tha’ in MY… New ERA.
I thought we’d have somethin’ ta watch when Stacy walked down ta the ring, but she lost to a grown man who took
Golgol Bordello’s advice a lil’ bit too far. First, well… he just ain’t. An’ Alexander Roslov? He made the match so damn
simples tha’ it wasn’t even cute.
Chaos… Chaos, Chaos Chaos… what happened to the Chaos we were promised? The guy who’d kick ass, not bother takin’ names, an’ kick the ref’s ass after the match, huh? Ya looked so damn tame, man. The Chaos I was hopin’ fer wouldn’t’ve gotten disqualified because the ref would’ve been cackin’ his pants!
And Michael? Montgomery, wasn’t it? What kinda man lets himself get torpedoed by his opponent so easily? I heard ya’ll had a spine. When the ref DQ’d Chaos you should’ve been right back in the ring demandin’ the match continued!
You, Michael Montgomery, are a spineless weasel.
Finally – FINALLY… we were meant ta see a great match between the New ERA Champion, an’ a man by the name of Larry Tact.
An’ what happened? The champ got blindsided because Larry didn’t think he could pick up the win on his own. Honestly, how Tactless can ya be, Larry? Need lil’ bro ta hide behind? Yer almost as spineless as Michael.
An’ Hart… why didn’t ya lay First out, dude?! What kinda message are ya sendin’ to the rest of the lockerroom when ya need a grown baby bail ya out? Grow a set or move over, Shawn, because tha’ belt needs a REAL champion! An’ in a few short weeks after I’ve banked MY shot at what’s gonna be MY title? Well, we’ll see whether yer really the best or all talk like it seems like.
Now… am I… yep, nearly forgot, there was one more person who turned up at Cyberstrike. A certain… brother… of Larry Tact. A guy who’s out ta help his big bwuvver. A guy called… Fanatic!
(((SFX: Dramatic tone of doooooooo~m!)))
ME: Well… what can I say abou’ Fanatic?
(((SFX: Dramatic tone of doooooooo~m! that ends with a slight questioning raise in pitch)))
Seriously, what can I say? No only have I never heard o’ him or what he’s done here in New ERA, nobody I’ve asked has been able ta find him either! An’ I’ve asked some experts a’ deductin’. My guests this evening… from Crime Scene Investigation an’ flown in at my expense… Gil Grissom an’ Zombie Warrick Brown!
(((CUE UP: “Who Are You?” by The Who! William Peterson, in his role of Gil Grissom, walks out from the backstage area, knocking on the casket which slowly creaks open… showing Gary Dourdan with a grey make-up applied and power in his hair to make him look the part. He moves slowly, bringing his kit bag with him. Lord knows how much this cost Mr. Entertainment… the two actors shake hands, before sitting in two chairs that’ve miraculously appeared next to the desk)))
ME: Wow… Warrick, ya look good fer the undead.
ZOMBIE WARRICK (ZW): Thanks, man.
ME: Ya didn’t happen ta see Fanatic in tha’ casket, did ya?
ZW: No. It’s deader in there than Doc Robbins’ morgue.
GRISSOM (GG): We haven’t even found a bug that looks like Fanatic, and we’ve tried.
ME: I was gonna ask, Gil. How did the investigation go?
GG: Well, we found some trace on the entrance ramp that was used at the Agganis Arena. We sent it back to the lab, but Sarah wasn’t able to get a hit in any database.
ME: Woah… well, what abou’ the TV footage?
ZW: We sent that to Archie but didn’t have any luck.
ME: What do ya mean?
ZW: Turned out Fanatic didn’t get caught on camera.
ME: …what?
ZW: Take a look.
(((CUT TO: The big screen, where we see silent footage from the end of Cyberstrike. We can see Larry Tact talking on the microphone, pointing to something at his side, but the space that you’re sure had been filled by a “masked man” at Cyberstrike is strangely blank… even of any background)))
ME: Looks ta ME
Mister Entertainment
Tha’ Fanatic cut the tape?
GG: That’s what the evidence seems to suggest, but we’ll keep looking. We’ll follow the evidence until we find something.
ZW: Well, Grissom will. I’m still not used to being out and about, and I really want to try and get to see my son.
Crowd: Awww!
ME: Well I know ya did all ya could. Who wants ta see the footage?
(((The crowd cheer as we CUT TO: A montage of shots feature Gil and Zombie Warrick, to the sounds of The Who again. They’re searching in:
The Nevada Desert
The Agganis Arena
Zombie Warrick’s casket, with Jim Brass holding his gun trained on the camera
The “That’s Entertainment” studio!
You’re living room… it’s disgusting in there!
And finally, a local trash can in Boston, where we can see a picture of Kelsey Grammer and Ted Danson from the late 1980s)))
ME: Looks like ya went high an’ low ta try an’ find somethin’ on Fanatic!
GG: It’s the toughest case we’ve ever had.
ME: Well… lookin’ at the evidence, I think I’ve got a good idea what I’m in fer.
ZW: Wait what?
ME: Yeah. Ya see, here’s another coward.
GG: How do you figure?
ME: One, he hides behind a mask. Two, he came a’ Shawn Hart with a steel chair. Three, he came through the crowd rather than from the front. Four, he hit Hart from behind, an’ Five?
He’s Larry Tact’s brother.
(((LOWER LIGHTS as a spotlight hits Mr. Entertainment. He stands, grabbing a microphone from under the desk, and he walks around to lean against the edge of the desk)))
ME: Ya see, Fanatic, despite the fact I can’t find a thing that makes ya relevant in New ERA – whether it’s a profile on the
New ERA website or anyone who’s actually met ya – I’m ready fer this match. Because when we hit the arena I don’t need ta know you, the person. I don’t need ta know what yer skills are in the ring.
I know yer a coward. I know yer gonna look out for yer likkle bwuvver – an’ I know that I’m gonna beat you.
I’m buildin’ New ERA into a true EDIFICE, Fanatic. I ain’t got time ta waste babysittin’. I ain’t got time ta waste lookin’ fer tapes of someone who turns up an’ hits people with chairs from behind.
You get one chance ta man up an’ entertain ME
Mister Entertainment.
An’ tha’s all. The rest of the lockerroom, well they get another week ta try. Whoever I face in week three will be given the same choice yer getting.
Impress the biggest star New ERA has an’ prove ya belong, or get outta my way. Don’t even think yer gonna win, because although all fanatics are delusional, you ain’t got a chance.
I ain’t a coward, Fanatic. In this, the new New ERA tha’ I’m helpin’ ta build, I’ve already proven ta be a hundred times the man you are, an’ at Cyberstrike I’m gonna prove it again by facin’ ya man to man, head on. If you’ve got the guts ta do tha’ – ta face ME
Mister Entertainment
In the here an’ now, one on one, then bring it. Whoever ya are.
An’ the rest of the New ERA lockerroom? I wasn’t impressed after the first show, so unless ya want yer New ERA career ta be deader than Zombie Warrick – pick it up, or move outta my way.
Now, in more pleasant news, my musical guests… GOGOL BORDELLO!
(((The fans go WILD as Gogol Bordello start playing “Start Wearing Purple” while we FADE OUT)))