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Pressure Chief
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN: To a office supply superstore, much like a Staples, OfficeMax/Basics/Depot/Whatever-it's-called-in-your-town. We see 'Hot Property' EDDIE MAYFIELD browsing in the office furniture section, inspecting desks and cabinets, etc. He sits down in a plush Executive chair and spins around, unsatisfied, looking like he hasn't found what he's there for yet. MAYFIELD is wearing the newly everpresent Running pants, White Stan Smith Adidas and a green T-shirt that has the words 'JUSTIN BAILEY*' screened on it in an old NES -style font. He gets up and keeps walking, going over to folding steel chairs, and smiles.)

MAYFIELD: "You know something? If I were a smart man back in the early 90's, I would've stopped listening to the boys in the back who knew nothing about playing the stock market, and instead of just blowing my checks on buying a NEO-GEO out of an import game shop and $200 carts of Metal Slug, I should've been investing in collapsable tables and steel chairs - I'd be a rich, rich Heel if I thought along those lines, now wouldn't I? (Laughs to himself) And so now here I am, among the classless, buying (GASP!) retail. (Fingers a price ticket in front of a row of dull-putty colored steel chairs)

"You see, since my rebirth a few weeks ago after ANNIVERSARY ended, and I went out and aborted MY OWN BABY, the Intruders for God-willing the LAST time, the world now wants to know, 'Eddie, what's gonna happen next? Dan Ryan, right? Shane Southern, Right? Get the tag straps back? Right? TOM ADLER"? (Waves hands dismissively) Well, ya'll all calm down for a second - because you know your President ALWAYS, heh - Makes Good Choices. And I do what's right for ME first, and YOU, my constituants, second. Don't EVER forget that. (Smirks) And what's right for ME right now, is righting some wrongs in CSWA, on my march to the World Title. You see, you just don't jump ahead in line because you CAN - I mean, come on - if I WANTED it, with my lantern jaw, matinee-idol good looks and smiling angelic countenance, assisted by my steel-trap-esque mind, I could wiggle my way into a title shot for the World Title and have Dan Ryan saying my name like he was my personal b(BLEEP!) and PRESENT ME with the CSWA World Title.... TOMORROW, but I don't work like that. I don't Heel Like That. I'd rather make it more interesting first - by making others suffer. Don't ever let it be said that Eddie Mayfield wasn't always generous. (Smiles)

"So why bring us to a Office Supply store? I'm all stocked up on paper reinforcements, so I figured I'd swing through and see the latest technological advancements in steel chairs. I mean, they're always reinventing the wheel in these places - I mean, God-[BLEEP!]. how many ways do you REALLY need to file some papers? So maybe that same industrial hive-thinking carries over into what I can bust somebody over the head with... (thinks) or WORSE. (Picks up a chair, and balances it for weight, looking impressed) Huh. Nice grip.... (Swings for the fences!) nice follow-through... (Steps back and does an overhand volley) oh man, nice wind resistance. Yasee, the reason It's gotta come to this... Hold on a second... Yo! Hey you, (Motions to someone off screen, then to the display of chairs) can you ring up a bunch of these? Idunno, how many is a gross? A bushel? (Shrugs) I dunno, [BLEEEP!] it - just gimme ALL of em... (Thinks for a beat) Sorry about that. So, the reason it's come to this - is that now Eddie Mayfield has to put his place in history DOWN in ALL CAPS BOLD TYPEFACE. I'm the man with no country - I have NO alliances or allegiances, and I don't want it any other way. So what do I do? I saw a glass ceiling, and I'm breaking through that b[BLEEP!] and if that means I have to resort to staying the President of CSWA to get that done... (Holds up a chair to the camera and slaps the seat) Or become the CHAIRMAN OF THE CSWA... I'm going to start ERASING some history around here, and making a NEW CHAPTER for ME. But you all know the CSWA's history book only has a few chapters as it is, all filled up with A Bugs' Life stories... (Smirks) and other Mother Goose nursery rhymes and folk tales... well I guess I'm just going to have to go and kill me some cats with fiddles, if I'm gonna get MY shine. And DAMN, if someone tries to stop me.

"So when does this all start? Glad you asked - PRIMETIME, is MY TIME, and also the debut of MY new TV Show, which of course used to be EYE-TEE-VEE, but as you know, that was CANCELLED. Now you'll all have the best seat in the house to witness what Eddie Mayfield will go through to win MAY SWEEPS, and heh - my timeslot. E! ain't got nothing on what I'm gonna drop on you - and when we go live in a few days, MAN OH MAN, are you gonna be glued to the edge of your seat... because I'm gonna BRING THE NOISE, as only I, Bonnie Mayfield's only son, can. I'm so excited, I'm all a titter! (Shivers like he's got goosebumps) Awesome. I'm out."

(FADEOUT as MAYFIELD props open a seat and walks around it, inspecting it thouroughly)

* - JUSTIN BAILEY: NES code for the original Metroid. When this code is entered, you can play as Samus in her underwear.

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