SigilOfLeviBF
Terrance's #2 Fan
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2000
- Messages
- 17
- Points
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(FADEIN: BENJAMIN, without his mask, on the streets of New York at around 5am.)
BENJAMIN: You know, it's hard being a Chicano nowadays, even harder being a Chicano who needs a job, and even harder than that being a Chicano who LOST HIS STUPID MASK TO SOME PAPI CHULO NAMED BUENO! It makes me so mad, steam pops out of my ears like Wile E. Coyote, or little horns grow down my forehead like that dirty deformed Mexican from Star Trek. It makes me so mad, I feel like...like...like doing something like this!
(Picks up the nearest trash bin and dumps all the trash on a sleeping homeless guy who doesn't notice. He puts the bin back down nicely where it came from.)
BENJAMIN: There, now that guy's gonna stink the rest of his life for what Bueno did to me. When my grandfather passed his sacred mask of Mexican honor down to me, I made me believe something; for once in my life, I was more than just regular old Benjamin Hernandez; I was El Puta! Now who am I? Just another illeg- I, I mean, (speaks loudly in the direction of a nearby police officer) A PERFECTLY LEGAL AMERICAN CITIZEN WITH PLENTY OF DOCUMENTATION AND A GREENCARD TO PROVE IT. Ah, f*ck it, I'm illegal! Take me back to El Salvador, or wherever the hell I'm from? Is El Salvador in Mexico? Is it it's own country? Who the hell knows, just take me there! I want to go back to the farm, where the sun is always at my back, and the dirt always on my hands! I want to harvest guacamole and doritos, and Taco Bell, and the little dog! I want to harvest the little dog! I want to bet on c*cks! I hate the police, so screw you, El Pigo! Go eat a bacon flavored donut!
COP: Hey hey, aren't you that guy from TV?
BENJAMIN: I don't know, I guess. Who really watches TV anyway?
COP: Oh hey, my son's a big fan of your show! 15 minutes of Benjamin, right?
BENJAMIN: Yeah, so what?
COP: Oh man, not only did you restore his faith in Kobe Bryant, but you improved my sex life, too!
(CUTTO: The Cop's wife, talking to their 5 year old son)
SON: Mommy, why is Daddy sleeping on the couch again tonight?
WIFE: Now Scotty, remember what I told you about sharing, and giving those you love their space? Well the same applies to your father.
SON: But why?
WIFE: Because Mommy needs some alone time to get acquainted with her brand new 25 inch Shaquille O'Neal series purple dildo, that's why.
(CUT BACK TO BENJAMIN AND THE COP.)
COP: I don't know how to thank you. We're all so grateful.
BENJAMIN: You know something? You just did. I FEEL REINVENTED! I'm a new man! I am proud to be called Benjamin Hernandez!
COP: Wait a second, whoa whoa whoa, time out, time out, hold the pickles and the f*cking lettuce too; who in God's name is Benjamin Hernandez?
BENJAMIN: ...me.
COP: Ok, I'm sorry, you're the victim of a terrible misunderstanding...I thought you were EL PUTA. You know? The owner of all Mexican beer and party harts?
BENJAMIN: Well why do you think the show's called 15 Minutes of Benjamin?!
COP: I don't know, I thought Benjamin was slang for taco sauce or something, the hell should I know? Jesus, I wasn't born in Nicaragua, how should I know all your little Mexican inside jokes? Good day to you sir! Good day to you indeed! (Prances down the street)
BENJAMIN: Ok, I think I hallucinated him.
CRAIG MILES: You did. (Miles' face turns into a lion's face) Hey, wanna go grab some chow?
BENJAMIN: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
MILES: I BET THE GIRLS REALLY LOVE YOUR THIRD NIPPLE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (As he laughs, Miles' face morphs into Cleopatra, then Theodore Roosevelt, then Charles Barkley, then Ted Turner)
BENJAMIN: What third nipple? What the hell are you talking about?! (Lifts up his shirt to check, but his nipples are both Miles' face, laughing at him.)
FACES: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(FLASH BACK TO REAL TIME...BENJAMIN IS ON THE GROUND, WITH A CARDBOARD BOX OVER HIS BODY, TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT BY FLAILING HIS ARMS WILDLY. TWO HOMELESS GUYS ARE WATCHING.)
BUM 1: Wow, that's pretty f*cked up.
BUM 2: Hey, have some respect, he's an artist for crying out loud! You ever see his show? F*cking great.
(FTB)
BENJAMIN: You know, it's hard being a Chicano nowadays, even harder being a Chicano who needs a job, and even harder than that being a Chicano who LOST HIS STUPID MASK TO SOME PAPI CHULO NAMED BUENO! It makes me so mad, steam pops out of my ears like Wile E. Coyote, or little horns grow down my forehead like that dirty deformed Mexican from Star Trek. It makes me so mad, I feel like...like...like doing something like this!
(Picks up the nearest trash bin and dumps all the trash on a sleeping homeless guy who doesn't notice. He puts the bin back down nicely where it came from.)
BENJAMIN: There, now that guy's gonna stink the rest of his life for what Bueno did to me. When my grandfather passed his sacred mask of Mexican honor down to me, I made me believe something; for once in my life, I was more than just regular old Benjamin Hernandez; I was El Puta! Now who am I? Just another illeg- I, I mean, (speaks loudly in the direction of a nearby police officer) A PERFECTLY LEGAL AMERICAN CITIZEN WITH PLENTY OF DOCUMENTATION AND A GREENCARD TO PROVE IT. Ah, f*ck it, I'm illegal! Take me back to El Salvador, or wherever the hell I'm from? Is El Salvador in Mexico? Is it it's own country? Who the hell knows, just take me there! I want to go back to the farm, where the sun is always at my back, and the dirt always on my hands! I want to harvest guacamole and doritos, and Taco Bell, and the little dog! I want to harvest the little dog! I want to bet on c*cks! I hate the police, so screw you, El Pigo! Go eat a bacon flavored donut!
COP: Hey hey, aren't you that guy from TV?
BENJAMIN: I don't know, I guess. Who really watches TV anyway?
COP: Oh hey, my son's a big fan of your show! 15 minutes of Benjamin, right?
BENJAMIN: Yeah, so what?
COP: Oh man, not only did you restore his faith in Kobe Bryant, but you improved my sex life, too!
(CUTTO: The Cop's wife, talking to their 5 year old son)
SON: Mommy, why is Daddy sleeping on the couch again tonight?
WIFE: Now Scotty, remember what I told you about sharing, and giving those you love their space? Well the same applies to your father.
SON: But why?
WIFE: Because Mommy needs some alone time to get acquainted with her brand new 25 inch Shaquille O'Neal series purple dildo, that's why.
(CUT BACK TO BENJAMIN AND THE COP.)
COP: I don't know how to thank you. We're all so grateful.
BENJAMIN: You know something? You just did. I FEEL REINVENTED! I'm a new man! I am proud to be called Benjamin Hernandez!
COP: Wait a second, whoa whoa whoa, time out, time out, hold the pickles and the f*cking lettuce too; who in God's name is Benjamin Hernandez?
BENJAMIN: ...me.
COP: Ok, I'm sorry, you're the victim of a terrible misunderstanding...I thought you were EL PUTA. You know? The owner of all Mexican beer and party harts?
BENJAMIN: Well why do you think the show's called 15 Minutes of Benjamin?!
COP: I don't know, I thought Benjamin was slang for taco sauce or something, the hell should I know? Jesus, I wasn't born in Nicaragua, how should I know all your little Mexican inside jokes? Good day to you sir! Good day to you indeed! (Prances down the street)
BENJAMIN: Ok, I think I hallucinated him.
CRAIG MILES: You did. (Miles' face turns into a lion's face) Hey, wanna go grab some chow?
BENJAMIN: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
MILES: I BET THE GIRLS REALLY LOVE YOUR THIRD NIPPLE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (As he laughs, Miles' face morphs into Cleopatra, then Theodore Roosevelt, then Charles Barkley, then Ted Turner)
BENJAMIN: What third nipple? What the hell are you talking about?! (Lifts up his shirt to check, but his nipples are both Miles' face, laughing at him.)
FACES: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(FLASH BACK TO REAL TIME...BENJAMIN IS ON THE GROUND, WITH A CARDBOARD BOX OVER HIS BODY, TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT BY FLAILING HIS ARMS WILDLY. TWO HOMELESS GUYS ARE WATCHING.)
BUM 1: Wow, that's pretty f*cked up.
BUM 2: Hey, have some respect, he's an artist for crying out loud! You ever see his show? F*cking great.
(FTB)