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Marx vs. Jobber


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(Fade into the American's Whitelandia compound where THE AMERICAN stands on his balcony, a club in hand.)

The American: (Pounding club into palm.) This is an out rage.

There is no other way to describe it... This Showcase is a case containing nothing other than Communism, or terrorism, or some other Anti Americanist ism you can think of.

Not only are these Showcasing swine ASHAMED of America, they are now actively plotting against those who love it.

What else could they do but deny me, THE AMERICAN of my identity? Instead of listing me under my legendary moniker, they list me as my old, other legendary moniker.

And who am I slated to face? But a man with the last name of Marx. I couldn't make up such a strange twisted conspiracy of geeks and swine of I tried. A man who has turned himself into a tribute to America's greatest enemy of the 20th century, an entire ideology of evil is set to face a faceless American.

They dare strip me of my name, something tied to me as my face is, linked forever with my inner greatness, an inner greatness so similar to that of this nation, and it is obviously why. This showcase is an attempt to put into motion a battle between Capitalism and Communism, The United States and the Rest of the World.. and of course, Good and Evil.

They have stacked the deck as much as they possibly can, trying everything possible they can in just the event program to achieve their goals. One can only imagine the acts of terror that will begin now that the match is closing in. They will try anything they can to stop me, and America itself in its tracks. They cannot have a world where freedom can truely be free, and where the eagle can soar above the clouds.

Jonathan Marx, you and the Showcase cannot kill freedom. Your system of tears and evil will never defeat the idealism and joy of the American people. You cannot hide our name, you cannot deny our nation, and you cannot kill our spirit.

Every match I have fought has been fought for America, but this one is different in that it is not just for America, it is to restore America. You cannot try to hide this country Marx, because when you do you unleash a rage that cannot be contained. You cannot underestimate us, because before that estimation has been completed your brain will be snapped back into the reality that this is indeed the greatest nation on earth, one that can never be defeat, and one that cannot see its greatest hero beaten.

Especially by a foe as weak as a man named Marx.

(Fade out.)


I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
Jan 1, 2000
Milltown USA
Marxism #1, American hack phooey

::Marx is standing in front of the flag of the old Soviet Union standing next to a black bear who is on both feet and a man who appears to be his trainer::

TRAINER TRANSLATING THE BEAR: You filthy American swine, how dare you make fun of our friend Jonathan Marx. Your capitalist war monger country has brought the world into the state of anarchy. BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED! FISH!


::Jonathan Marx reaches into the pail and hands the bear a fish which the bear quickly gobbles up::

TRAINER TRANSLATING THE BEAR: Your American propaganda machine has given communism a bad name spreading your agenda of fear and lies in order to undermine our system. You do not want to see side by side as equals because your fat cat public officials believe they are above the common man. They have never seen a hard day’s work in all of their life. This makes me mad…. GRRRRR!

::Jonathan Marx pats the bear on the head to comfort him::

TRAINER TRANSLATING THE BEAR: Jonathan Marx is the shining example that there is hope for your people in this cesspool of humanity you call a country and he will set an example when the second Golden Age of Wrestling arises and lead all of you ugly overweight Americans into the light.

::the bear puts his arm around the shoulder of Marx who looks over nervously::

TRAINER TRANSLATING THE BEAR: Is American really the best that your people have to offer? You make us sick. American wasn’t even able to beat the disgraceful Johnny Starr.

:::the bear and Marx look at each other and begin to laugh::

TRAINER TRANSLATING THE BEAR: Johnny ****ing Starr… That is about as disgraceful as your attempts to slander mother Russia’s name but letting your perennial losers in Boston be called the RED Sox’s. WE ARE NOT AMUSED!

::the bear takes his arm from around the shoulder of Marx::

TRAINER TRANSLATING THE BEAR: When Marx gets his paws on you, he make you cry for mercy like the American coward that you are. HE WILL TURN YOU INTO A PICNIC LUNCH AND FEED OFF THE FLESH ON YOUR BONES! Marxism will reign supreme! Now, I ask all of you at home to show some respect and stand for the Russian national anthem as we sign out.

::Marx, the bear, and the translator stand at attention saluting the Russian flag with their back to the camera as the music plays and the bear leads them in song with a series of grunts and groans::




League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(Fade into the AMerican's Whitelandia compound. Cut to the patriotic living room where The American sits, not hiding behind wrestling bears or any such silliness.)

THE AMERICAN: One most not be surprised that Jonathan Marx would choose a bear as his spokesman. Such a lazy, backwards animal which is known more for sleeping and eating pooridge than it is for its tenacity or viciousness.

The bear is a symbol of weakness in the greatest house of power in America, our stock market. It is not something that one with much confidence would stand behind, even a communist who knows in his heart that our greatest president Jimmy Carter destroyed his evil system and made the world free for every god fearing freedom loving American to watch their champion of Justice the American live on television, in the arena or on Pay Per View for the low one time cost of 29.95.

This is an important freedom. The freedom to stand behind your champion of truth and justice with your hard earned American dollar. To pay for the privledge to stand and cheer against the forces of evil who would not let you earn that dollar so you could stand and cheer.

In communism you cannot stand and cheer. You must equally divided your standing and your cheering between both men, even if one is undeserving of your standing. Or if he is undeserving of the cheering. Either way you must give both equally.

Your most important freedom is your freedom to shop, your freedom to cheer, and your freedom to admit that all men are not created equal in this wrestling ring, especially when they are matched up against the icon of the United States, The American.

Add to that the fact that the wrestling bear routine is an idea that is incredibly behind the times only shows the failure of the communist system that Marx desires to burden our country with. The American people created the idea of the wrestling bear years ago, and the wrestling bear was beloved by all. Much like our free Australian brothers who wrestled various reptiles and other things that are done in such backwards, yet free and capitalist countries.

Yet here you are in this glorious year of our lord Two Thousand and four with a wrestling bear, as if it was as fresh as a produced grown here in the United States, or beer brewed proudly in the free forty eight.

Could you be so blind? Communism has kept you in the dark so long that you missed the wrestling bear revolution. Much like your Russian revolution it lasted for awhile, and then failed in the end. It is sad to think you people still think the idea of a wrestling bear is ingenius, just as you think each man should be given the same amount of wealth despite not earning it.

This backwards ideology belongs at the Democratic National Convention, not in a wrestling ring, the most American of all venues. This is a sport for Americans, and by Americans... championed by THE AMERICAN. Marx, you coward, step out from behind the curtains of history that have obscured the legendary wrestling bears and speak for yourself. It is obvious that you won't be able to fight me since your style will be so outdated that long dead wrestlers would have already adapted to the latest innovations in the communist wrestling community.

Communists simply are not made to be wrestlers. Bear wranglers possibly. We cannot know for sure since your people have only now discovered this ancient art, but I am sure the bull like, yet less intelligent communists will make fine bear wranglers, and I will attempt to not defeat you too soundly that you are able to return to this noble profession.

That is my promise Marx, and as an American I will keep it. As The American, I will stand in that ring and beat you.. but not too badly, for we do not want to shame the communists, only to show them the error in their ways.

(Fade out)

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