fugginVOSS
The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
(FADE IN: on what looks like the lounge room of a frat house. It's a bomb site. There are takeaway containers on the table, odd shaped plastic tubes with water in the bottom and little appendages striking out at 45 degree angles, soda cans and all sorts of clutter. To be honest, the room is a little hazy, and through the haze sits a shirtless man with a koala mask. He sits in some thigh hugging boxer briefs, arms stretched along the tops of the couch. He's chilled. He's KID KOALA. The video device is clearly handheld and unprofessional, but it adds to the feel, ya feel?)
KID KOALA:
"Red Line. Yo, listen in. What ya seen at Slamtrack is jus' the beginnin', yeah? See, me and my mates have come all the way from the Land Down Under to have a little fun. And by all means, what you see is what you get. There's an art-form to anarchy. And we're friggin' artistes, man. That's fact!"
(KOALA rubs his nose with his index finger.)
KID KOALA:
"Why-oh-why did we take down Winners and Losers?" (shrug) "Why not? See, we don't got a problem with Ikan and his hairy cousin. In fact, I kinda like the guy. I like his attitude. He's all positive and shit. He reminds me of if you could put sunshine into Play-Doh and make an actual person? It'd be him. He's a damn nice dude, man. But that's kinda what we bring."
(He shrugs.)
KID KOALA:
"What we want.
"We bring what we want. We do what we want. And if anybody gets in our way? Well, we take care of that. See, me and my mates have been mates for years and there's a certain calibration you get within each other's universes. It's special, dude. It's ethereal. And it's like we're inside each other's minds. We can talk without even talkin'. Swear to God!" (hand up - scout's honor style) "We do it with like a look or a Jedi mind-trick or somethin'. It's unreal, man. Like, just BLOWS my friggin' mind. And when we were sittin' backstage last week and saw them two dudes wanderin' down to the ring we just KNEW what we had to do."
(Nodding his head, KOALA picks up the lengthy plastic tube with the strange appendange.)
KID KOALA:
"We had to make a scene. We had to show you we're here. Just BECAUSE!
"And if that took Ikan and the other guy..." (waves his hand in the air dismissively) "...whatever his name is, out of competition then so be it. It's just how the cookie crumbles, man.
"Hmm. Cookies. That'd be rad right now.
"Anyways, what I was sayin' was that Ikan was just in the wrong place at the right time. I mean, it coulda been anyone on the roster. We just shared a thought. The time-space continuum just opened up for a minute and we coexisted and saw what had to be done."
(He stares off into the distance, like he was reminiscing and transferring back to that moment in time. He shakes his head, snapping out of it.)
KID KOALA:
"Whoa. Surreal. What had to be done was show you we're here. Show you we mean something. Sittin' backstage stuffin' our faces on the catering is meaningless to the people who deserve us.
"Red Line Wrestling - you DESERVE the Marsupials of Mayhem and the anarchy we bring... when we want to bring it."
(He puts the tubey thing down.)
KID KOALA:
"But what's more fun than introducing anarchy is introducing the enforcers who want to take it away!
"Man, House of Hill. You had ALL the eyeballs barrelin' down on us. Rainin' your HATE! You guys got chips bigger on your shoulder than the bags of Lay's I smash every night. But don't eyeball me. It won't work out for you. It will never work out for you. Coz I'll just..." (shrug) "...poke you in the eye. And ain't NOBODY likes gettin' poked in the eye."
(He picks up the tubey thing again.)
KID KOALA:
"See, I'm lookin' forward to seein' you three bring it, right? I wanna do this thing. This tangle. Make the eyeballin' go away. And they will go away. Coz we ain't named the Marsupials of Mayhem coz it's CUTE! It's because we carry our young in our pouches. And for those of you playing at home, that's a reference to our BALL BAGS! And we deliver ALL the Mayhem. ALL OF IT! So if you Hills wanna rumble in MY HOUSE?"
(He falls back into the couch.)
KID KOALA:
"Game on, mate. Game - friggin' - on."
(FADE to BLACK!)
KID KOALA:
"Red Line. Yo, listen in. What ya seen at Slamtrack is jus' the beginnin', yeah? See, me and my mates have come all the way from the Land Down Under to have a little fun. And by all means, what you see is what you get. There's an art-form to anarchy. And we're friggin' artistes, man. That's fact!"
(KOALA rubs his nose with his index finger.)
KID KOALA:
"Why-oh-why did we take down Winners and Losers?" (shrug) "Why not? See, we don't got a problem with Ikan and his hairy cousin. In fact, I kinda like the guy. I like his attitude. He's all positive and shit. He reminds me of if you could put sunshine into Play-Doh and make an actual person? It'd be him. He's a damn nice dude, man. But that's kinda what we bring."
(He shrugs.)
KID KOALA:
"What we want.
"We bring what we want. We do what we want. And if anybody gets in our way? Well, we take care of that. See, me and my mates have been mates for years and there's a certain calibration you get within each other's universes. It's special, dude. It's ethereal. And it's like we're inside each other's minds. We can talk without even talkin'. Swear to God!" (hand up - scout's honor style) "We do it with like a look or a Jedi mind-trick or somethin'. It's unreal, man. Like, just BLOWS my friggin' mind. And when we were sittin' backstage last week and saw them two dudes wanderin' down to the ring we just KNEW what we had to do."
(Nodding his head, KOALA picks up the lengthy plastic tube with the strange appendange.)
KID KOALA:
"We had to make a scene. We had to show you we're here. Just BECAUSE!
"And if that took Ikan and the other guy..." (waves his hand in the air dismissively) "...whatever his name is, out of competition then so be it. It's just how the cookie crumbles, man.
"Hmm. Cookies. That'd be rad right now.
"Anyways, what I was sayin' was that Ikan was just in the wrong place at the right time. I mean, it coulda been anyone on the roster. We just shared a thought. The time-space continuum just opened up for a minute and we coexisted and saw what had to be done."
(He stares off into the distance, like he was reminiscing and transferring back to that moment in time. He shakes his head, snapping out of it.)
KID KOALA:
"Whoa. Surreal. What had to be done was show you we're here. Show you we mean something. Sittin' backstage stuffin' our faces on the catering is meaningless to the people who deserve us.
"Red Line Wrestling - you DESERVE the Marsupials of Mayhem and the anarchy we bring... when we want to bring it."
(He puts the tubey thing down.)
KID KOALA:
"But what's more fun than introducing anarchy is introducing the enforcers who want to take it away!
"Man, House of Hill. You had ALL the eyeballs barrelin' down on us. Rainin' your HATE! You guys got chips bigger on your shoulder than the bags of Lay's I smash every night. But don't eyeball me. It won't work out for you. It will never work out for you. Coz I'll just..." (shrug) "...poke you in the eye. And ain't NOBODY likes gettin' poked in the eye."
(He picks up the tubey thing again.)
KID KOALA:
"See, I'm lookin' forward to seein' you three bring it, right? I wanna do this thing. This tangle. Make the eyeballin' go away. And they will go away. Coz we ain't named the Marsupials of Mayhem coz it's CUTE! It's because we carry our young in our pouches. And for those of you playing at home, that's a reference to our BALL BAGS! And we deliver ALL the Mayhem. ALL OF IT! So if you Hills wanna rumble in MY HOUSE?"
(He falls back into the couch.)
KID KOALA:
"Game on, mate. Game - friggin' - on."
(FADE to BLACK!)