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McDonald's, Megadeth, and Met-Rx


Where's my money, Chad?
Jul 3, 1997
The Silk Road
(FADEIN: McDonald's Playland in the Bronx, N.Y. PROBLEM CHILD is in the ball cage, sprawled out and covered in red, blue, yellow, purple, and orange balls. With his head propped up against the cage, PC sits back wearing thick black sunglasses and a Budwesier can in his hand. He's surrounded by black and latino kids going apesh*t in the balls. Their parents look on in disgust as PC speaks)

PC: Hey there wrestling fans! Welcome to another edition of, uh, well, welcome to my five minutes of airtime. First, I'd like to send a great big thank you to Troy Windham. Troy, if it wasn't for you, I'd probably be dead, in prison, or frequenting Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings cause I LIKE-THAT-SKUNKEDDY SKANK!!!! YEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!

RANDOM MOTHER: Shut yo muthaf*ckin ass up muthaf*cka! I got my motherf*ckin kids playin right next to you! They don't NEEEEEED to be listenin to yo BULLLSH****TTTT while they gettin they ball on in a muthaf*ckin MACDonald's! And you better not be drinkin no f*ckin beer while you sittin next to my KEEEDDS! WUSS WRONG WITCHOO? Wuss yo name? WHAT? PROBLEM CHILD? How old is you? Nahhhh, uh uh. I don't know no muthaf*ckas who be 35 years old runnin' around callin' they-selves no PRAABLEM CHAIIYYLLED! You AIN'T no child, you a grown ass PROBLEM MAN! Talkin' about skunkeddy skank and SHYIIIIT. I DON'T THINK SO PRAAAABLEM CHAIIIYYLLED! You need to get yo-self a muthaf*ckin JOB and a muthaf*ckin paycheck and take yo-self outta them muthaf*ckin MACDonald's Playpen balls before I get my man SHARRONNN to go apesh*t up in this muthaf*cka! You hearin' me PRAAABLEM CHAIIIIYYYLLLEEEDDD? (Turns her attention to her son) Hey Jamarcus! JAMARCUS! Get away from that man right now! Jamarcus you hearin' me? GET YO MUTHAF*CKIN' ASS OUTTA THAT DAMN PLAYPEN RIGHT NOW! I will take you home and slap the muthaf*ckin **** outta you! GET OUT THE BALLS N*GGA!

PC: Ok, can we re-shoot this? I'm not really popular in this neighborhood as it is...

CAMERAMAN: That's fine.

(CUTTO: Hours later, it's nighttime, and PC is still in the balls with his beer. In the background, the McDonald's staff is mopping the floors)

PC: As I was saying, Troy, buddy, you saved me. Truly. And believe me, I know we're still tight, even though I caused your fax to run out of paper, clogged your e-mail quota up to 98% usage, and apparently caused you to switch cell-phone providers. The Frat is FOR LIFE! Right? Right? Right! Now as for my match against...what, Adonis? That's his name? Haha, listen! To say this JAY-BRONE is on my level is about as accurate as the official PC Penis Measurement Kit. It starts at the tailbone, am I right? Haha, you f*ckers know what I'm talking about! Then on the other hand I got this guy Terence talking up a category five sh*tstorm about good ol' PC. Hey T-Bone, the Megadeth stuff ain't personal brutha. To be honest, I don't even like Megadeth, and probably couldn't name you three of their songs. I just wear the shirts because I like the skulls and I'm too broke to afford Affliction. I'll even go you one further and say Metallica did us all a favor when they sent Mustaine packing, because all they did afterwards was record awesome tunes. In short: Megadeth can eat my ass, and so can you T-Bone. Mustaine is lucky that chicks wanna rawdog everytime they see me in those flaming skulls, otherwise I wouldn't spend a dime on his crappy apparel. Boys, lemme tell ya...it feels good to be back! (Kills the Bud, tosses the can in the balls) The names may have changed but the game's still the same. The both of you are about to learn the hard way that P...C...IS...THE SH...(cell phone rings). What the hell? (Looks at the caller ID) TWW Commissioner's Office? I bet that's Troy using his underlings' phone. Excuse me while I take this!

(answers the phone)

PC: TROY! BUDDY! Long time no sp...huh?...OH, hey Powermaster?...well what...huh...not really...well hell yeah I'd...OK...what is this "fokrucity" you speak of?...Met-Rx bars?...No I'm all out of NO-Xplode, but...ok...alright, later dude!

(hangs up)

PC: Just another day in the life, suckers! Big things happening in PC Country! (speaking to cameraman) OK, cut it, I can't afford another minute, and TWW's making me pay for airtime. We're done here!


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