Calamity Jon
League Member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2000
- Messages
- 52
- Points
- 0
(FADEIN to a blue-screen overlay of forest trees overlooking a raging waterfall, the whole scene appearing to have been shot from about thirty feet off the ground. Sitting unconcerned on their shiny new motorcycles are BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS and "IRON" JOHN WAITS, the MEN OF ADVENTURE! Standing next to them is their manager, ULYSSES S DUDLEY, who is looking back over his shoulder as though baffled by the scenery. The boys rev their cycles thoughtlessly, sloghing black smoke up against the backdrop and causing it to wave, distorting the background.)
Tom (Shouting): "ADVENTURRRRE! MEN OF ADVENTURRRRE! (coughs) Odin's stinkfinger, I LOVE THESE CHROME CROTCH MONSTERS, but they surely STINK LIKE UNBURIED UNDERAGE MEXICAN MIGRANT WORKER! "
John: (Shouting): "HOW SO?"
Tom: (Shouting) "YOU REMEMBER! LAST MARCH?"
John: "OH HO! THAT'S RIGHT! OUR LATE CHRISTMAS!! HO HO HO!!"
USD: "Well, it does my heart some calcuable good to see you in such high and harmonious spirits, boys! Why, didn't old Ulysses tell you that at Fish Fund, you'd - (USD is drowned out by the MoA gleefully revving their motorcycles. He patiently waits for them to settle down) As I was saying, I do recall informing you of the heightened chances of success under my tutelage, and I'm proud to say (The boys rev up again, completely drowning out Ulysses, who walks over and takes the keys out of both ignitions. The cycles sputter to a stop.)"
Tom: "It - It's DEAD! (pause) JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER LOVED!"
John: "Mouth to mouth, man! Give it mouth to mouth!" (Ulyssess grabs Tom by the back of his collar before he can apply his lips to the cycle's gas cap)
USD: "Boys, you two are surely a delight unto God's green Earth, but let's take a moment to review our assets so as we may vis a vis our long-term goals rethink our predominant strategems."
John: "I have a beartrap!"
Tom: "I have a dead motorcycle!"
USD: "No, no boys, what we ALL have is a TITLE SHOT at the CSWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP at ANY time we so call it. Which raises the quaestio questio, specifically of when we will choose to call in on this marker."
Tom: "I'll tell you, Ulysses, I have to admit. At first I thought your lily-livered, light fingered pandering and dandified wordsmanship would certainly lead us down the primrose path of f***ing the heck up, right out of the gate. But I'm impressed, the Men of Adventure hold THIS, the TAG TEAM CONTENDERS BELT!"
USD: "What belt?" (Tom raises a bottle of Jack with masking tape covering the label, "numbar one cotneders tie" scrawled on it with Sharpie. He takes a swig.)
John: "Haha, BELT! I DECLARE IT THE JAPE OF THE SEASON!"
Tom: "Nothing fills the void left by my dead motorcycle."
USD: (pause) "Gentleman, I have had a moment of reconsideration in the immediacy our strategems. I WAS thinking that our particular travelling party was prepared for an immediate recompense of our hard-won credit from Fish Fund, but i see that ... perhaps we have more conditioning in which to engage so as to better induct you into this fast-paced and often strange, bizarre modern world."
John: "GOOD GRAVY! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY HAWKS!"
Tom: "ADVENTURE!"
USD: "Oh for Pete's Sake"
(CUTTO clip footage from one of the Ray Harryhausen Sinbad movies, where a giant Roc attacks a nest full of Sinbad's bare-chested, turbaned shipmates. The MoA offer voiceovers of terrific struggle, and break into hasty song as the scene FTBs ... "ADVENTURRRRRE ... MEN OF ADVENTURRRRRE ....")
Tom (Shouting): "ADVENTURRRRE! MEN OF ADVENTURRRRE! (coughs) Odin's stinkfinger, I LOVE THESE CHROME CROTCH MONSTERS, but they surely STINK LIKE UNBURIED UNDERAGE MEXICAN MIGRANT WORKER! "
John: (Shouting): "HOW SO?"
Tom: (Shouting) "YOU REMEMBER! LAST MARCH?"
John: "OH HO! THAT'S RIGHT! OUR LATE CHRISTMAS!! HO HO HO!!"
USD: "Well, it does my heart some calcuable good to see you in such high and harmonious spirits, boys! Why, didn't old Ulysses tell you that at Fish Fund, you'd - (USD is drowned out by the MoA gleefully revving their motorcycles. He patiently waits for them to settle down) As I was saying, I do recall informing you of the heightened chances of success under my tutelage, and I'm proud to say (The boys rev up again, completely drowning out Ulysses, who walks over and takes the keys out of both ignitions. The cycles sputter to a stop.)"
Tom: "It - It's DEAD! (pause) JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER LOVED!"
John: "Mouth to mouth, man! Give it mouth to mouth!" (Ulyssess grabs Tom by the back of his collar before he can apply his lips to the cycle's gas cap)
USD: "Boys, you two are surely a delight unto God's green Earth, but let's take a moment to review our assets so as we may vis a vis our long-term goals rethink our predominant strategems."
John: "I have a beartrap!"
Tom: "I have a dead motorcycle!"
USD: "No, no boys, what we ALL have is a TITLE SHOT at the CSWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP at ANY time we so call it. Which raises the quaestio questio, specifically of when we will choose to call in on this marker."
Tom: "I'll tell you, Ulysses, I have to admit. At first I thought your lily-livered, light fingered pandering and dandified wordsmanship would certainly lead us down the primrose path of f***ing the heck up, right out of the gate. But I'm impressed, the Men of Adventure hold THIS, the TAG TEAM CONTENDERS BELT!"
USD: "What belt?" (Tom raises a bottle of Jack with masking tape covering the label, "numbar one cotneders tie" scrawled on it with Sharpie. He takes a swig.)
John: "Haha, BELT! I DECLARE IT THE JAPE OF THE SEASON!"
Tom: "Nothing fills the void left by my dead motorcycle."
USD: (pause) "Gentleman, I have had a moment of reconsideration in the immediacy our strategems. I WAS thinking that our particular travelling party was prepared for an immediate recompense of our hard-won credit from Fish Fund, but i see that ... perhaps we have more conditioning in which to engage so as to better induct you into this fast-paced and often strange, bizarre modern world."
John: "GOOD GRAVY! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY HAWKS!"
Tom: "ADVENTURE!"
USD: "Oh for Pete's Sake"
(CUTTO clip footage from one of the Ray Harryhausen Sinbad movies, where a giant Roc attacks a nest full of Sinbad's bare-chested, turbaned shipmates. The MoA offer voiceovers of terrific struggle, and break into hasty song as the scene FTBs ... "ADVENTURRRRRE ... MEN OF ADVENTURRRRRE ....")
