OH YOU SO SMART!!!111
[updated:LAST EDITED ON Mar-11-03 AT 00:16 AM (EST)]Fade in to a plain production room backstage at the Palau Blaugrana. A television set sits on a table on one side of the shot; it displays a blue screen at the moment. Sitting next to the TV is Alex Williams, clad in khakis and a black "MUFFIN MAN" T-shirt. He sits in a steel chair, arms folded across his chest and a smirk adorning his face.
"Oh, come now, Elf Boy," Williams says expansively, raising his hands. "We already got past your little riddle. You asked me what's small and spits fifty times a minute, and I said it was your mother. What, are you telling me that your mother SWALLOWS fifty times a minute? That's... that's really something."
"But let's cut to the chase, shall we? For your own sake, stop responding to my promos. By now, it's pretty much obvious that I'm talking more rings around you than you could find in an earring store, not to mention making you look like a complete fool - and why shouldn't I? Look at yourself. With every promo I cut, you get angrier and angrier. Awwww... am I pissing you off, little baby? Too bad. If you can't take a few insults like a man, then I suggest you get out of this industry. And it doesn't cut it to respond to my promos with my own material. I mean, honestly - do you think it makes you sound cool and intelligent when you respond to my calling you a child by going 'I know you are, but what am I?'. Then again, who would expect wit or intellect from someone who has plastic surgery to turn himself into an elf?"
"Speaking of which... Of COURSE I enjoy trashing your little elf image. Why not? It's the most absurd thing I've ever seen. Honestly, your life has to be pretty damn pathetic if your idol is a FICTIONAL ROLEPLAYING CHARACTER - a character you love SO much, you just CAN'T HELP but go out and get plastic surgery to look like him. That's like saying you love Mickey Mouse, so you want to look just like him when you grow up. Pretty pathetic, huh? The point of this, MI, is that your appearance speaks volumes about the sort of person you are - empty, pathetic, small-minded, and above all a loser. But what do I know, right? The Ancient Wisdom of the High Elves far exceeds my meek human wit..."
"But you know what? I'm going to do you a favor right now. I'm going to give you a free lesson in how to cut a promo. Listen carefully now..."
Picking up a remote control from the top of the television, Williams hits the play button. The screen flickers to Mystical Illusions' recent promo.
MI: So you think that my antics are unschooled and child like. You know what! Maybe they are but some people like it, and some do not. Obviously you don't but you know what, I DONT CARE. All I care about now is beating you "panzie red booties".
Williams pauses the tape. "I can certainly SEE that you don't care, because you continue to act like a child," he says pointedly. "And quite frankly, I think I'm capable of beating a child... especially when that child's best insult is 'Mr. Pansy Red Booties.' Oooooh, I'm so hurt. Struck to the heart." He unpauses the tape.
MI: You know this is a very beautiful city. It looks even nicer from the air. Just like I will see it in the match as I hit you with the Anniahlation.
Pause. "What exactly does that mean? You're going to do the Annihilation out of the helicopter so you can see the city as you plummet to your death? Think through your lines before you say them, you illiterate fool." Unpause.
MI: But you think that I am not innovative. Well I will prove you wrong there. I will bring some new moves to the match and see if you crusierweight body can with stand it.
Pause. "News flash: You're a cruiserweight, too. Which means, of course, that by talking about my "little cruiserweight body" - a body type which YOU possess - you've just made yourself look like a total idiot. Wow... shocker." Unpause.
MI: Just like the elves in books, I am quick, agile, and gracefull. But you can't see beyond my apperance, and see me for the real wrestler that I am. You still doubt my abilities...
Pause. "We already touched on this. But let's summarize: Your appearance tells me all I need to know about you, and I can wrestle many many rings around you." Unpause.
MI: ...yeah you might win.
"Might?" Williams snorts, not pausing the tape.
MI: I know that my no losses streak can not go on forever, but you know what! Even if you beat me I will be there still wrestling and still climing my way to the top. Just like you! How do they say it "Fate is not without a sense of irony".
Pause. "Exactly what did that quote have to do with anything? And you got it wrong. It's 'Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of humor.' See? If you had half a brain cell, you'd have known that." Unpause.
MI: I will bring my whole game and I will put up a valiant fight. Because why? It is for the fans, for all the Illusionites out there who love my sense of humor.
Pause. "What Illusionites? Note the fact that your matches are pretty much seen as piss breaks. Oh, you must be talking about your mother. Then again, I'm personally convinced that when she sees you on TV, she holds her head in her hands and moans, 'Where did I go wrong?'" Unpause.
MI: You have lost site of that my friend during your climb to greatness.
Pause. "So I've lost sight of the fact that I'm supposed to wrestle for your millions and millions of Illusionites who love your sense of humor? Or that I'm supposed to dance around like a monkey and play to the drunken fans all day? Get a life. I'm in this industry to feed my kids, NOT to please the yokels in the crowd." Unpause.
MI: fight the great Zell Hunter one on one in the squared circle. And maybe when one of us wins the title we will face each other again.
Pause. "Pry your lips off of Zell Hunter's *ss. By the way, that 'Great Zell Hunter' of yours got whipped up on but good by Dean Matthews last week. It takes a lot of greatness to be the Show Stealer's b*tch, I guess." Unpause.
MI: Alex I ask you one simple riddle and you have to be as original as to say my mother!
"I'm unoriginal?" Alex says with a snort.
MI: What the hell is that, one of you grade school come backs. My baby sister says that and she is only twelve.
Pause. "Oddly, she's still more mature than you." Unpause.
MI: I think that you need grow up like you made me grow up! I will admit you have made me reevaluate everything that I could do in a promo!
Pause. "No I haven't. You're still spouting off the same old drivel." Unpause.
MI: So as I see it, I have grown up a little and you still need to do some yourself.
Pause. "You, telling ME to grow up? That's a laugh." Unpause.
MI: Sorry about some of the comments in my later promos. It was me just venting. But that is in the past and now I will not disapoint all the Illusionist out there waiting to see me finish you with the Anniahlation.
Pause. "Wait, wait, wait... are they Illusionites, or Illusionists? I've heard both in this promo. But whatever... I guess both the Illusionites AND the Illusionists are in for a big disappointment, because the only thing facing Annihilation around here would be your 'big' winning streak. Not to mention your professional career." Unpause.
MI: Later Alex, I will tell Alexia you said hi! And by the way you still haven't figured out my riddle. Tick Tock, time is almost up.
"We covered this already."
Fade to black as Mystical Illusions walks away.
FTB With Anniahlation scrolls accros the screen!
Alex stops the tape and glances back towards the camera. "Did that help?" he asks. "I hope so. Maybe now you'll be able to cut a promo that DOESN'T give me the urge to gouge my eyes out and stuff a boat hook through my ears. But knowing you... I wouldn't count on it. Maybe once I knock a few of your teeth down your throat and rearrange your face so badly that you'll look like a Pablo Picasso painting, you'll get the message. Speaking of messages, here's one: I am NOT about to let my GXW debut wind up spoiled by some pointy-eared FREAK with the IQ of drywall putty. One way or another, MI, you're going down faster than your dear old mum on any man alive."
"See you later, Elf Boy... I can't wait for your next batch of generic drivel..."
Fade out.