That's DIGITAL... Entertainment.
[FADE IN… to TRON? Or at least a very good digital facsimile, with ones and zeros flying past in streams – they seem to be converging somewhere. Let’s walk through the digital quagmire, straight past the endless seas of information and useless HAL promos, and see where they’re going, shall we? As you walk, mind your step – some guy’s probably watching something that’s not exactly PG-13; it’s what the internet is for. According to monsters in WoW anyways.
Finally, we reach the destination – fans of .hack// might recognise it as Net Slum, or the area which became the Omega server’s root town. In the middle of the digital squalor sits the Chaos Gate – a gate that’ll let you warp anywhere on the server. The data stream seems to be focused just in front of it…
Something’s forming!
Wait for it…
What the?!? Mr Entertainment, you’ve got some explaining to do!!
CUTTO: A nearby rooftop in Net Slum, where we see a digital version of the man himself, the WHADAHTT Champion, the man who provides more ENTERTAINMENT by breathing than anyone else… ]
ME: Lolcats. See what ya’ve reduced me ta, Dave? All ya attempts at technobabble an’ tryin’ ta use long words ya don’t even know the meaning of has me using Lolcats an’ talkin’ ta a guy who’s only match in pro-wrestlin’ was beatin’ a jobber. Kudos goes to Otaku fer lettin’ me use his computer generated copy o’ Net Slum, by the way.
Or BTW fer Dave. But he’s off in some heterotopia right now creamin’ over high def graphics.
That’s ‘other place’ fer ya, European Region Coding. He who thinks I don’t know when ya say somethin’s gonna have a negative effect because he looked up on dictionary dot com or somethin’.
I’ll give ya points fer using deleterious in context though. Haven’t heard that one since I was… ooooh… eight years old an’ a dictionary sales-man came round the house.
Seriously though, Dave – who probably doesn’t even get the reference – what planet are ya livin’ on? Yeah, I mentioned Sonic the Hedgehog… because… breath a second…
It was an ENTERTAINING game.
Yeah, we’ve got three dimensional graphics these days, but seriously – look away from the world of Final Fantasy, away from the Japanese, an’ what’ve we got that’s half as good as the game-play of the ol’ classics? Why does Tetris keep makin’ comebacks? Or Mario, or Sonic, or the original Zelda games on the ol’ Gameboy?
Because those games had somethin’ else. Today, like you, it’s all flash an’ no substance. No challenge, no fun, nadda. They don’t even have grippin’, twistin’ storylines any more! Those seemed ta DIE pretty much after the Saturn went KAPUT.
But you seem ta think more powerful an’ better graphics means automatically… wait… lemme slow that down fer ya.
You think that the more bells an’ whistles ya add on, that instantaneously…
No… wait… another multi-syllable word. Damn it! Where’s digital Proppet when ya need him?
[Just then, warping in… it’s Proppet!! YAY!!!]
Proppet: I ARE TEH GREETEST!!
ME: No, Proppet. You ain’t.
Proppet: I are not teh greetest? Proppet is like picture.
ME: Picture?
[Proppet points down to the warp gate, where we see another picture has formed]
ME: O…k… but can ya explain somethin’ before the giant foot squashes ya?
Proppet: Proppet are can be try. Nine thousand person thinks that bigger and flashier makes better straight away.
ME: Thanks.
Proppet: I are teh greetest now?
ME: What’s that? Couldn’t quite hear ya.
Proppet: I ARE TEH GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!!!
[…
…
SQUELCH!
by the giant paw of Grammar Cat]
ME: Couldn’t o’ said it better myself.
Ya see, Halvin… better graphics does not make better game. What abou’ the drama? The excitement? What’s bein’ able ta save a game done? Made ‘em easier an’ guarantee tha’ within a week of release, you’ll find a brand new game already on pre-owned. Now… the graphics were crap, but that rush of excitement when ya first finished, I dunno… Alex Kidd in Miracle World? THAT was ENTERTAINMENT!
Stayin’ round a friend’s ta see if the two of ya could finish Streets of Rage or Double Dragon, from beginnin’ ta end in one sittin’?
THAT is ENTERTAINMENT.
What do we get today? Half-assed storylines, crap characters, but oooh isn’t it pretty.
I’ll take the ol’ classics over ninety five percent of today’s games, thank you very much. Because the so-called ‘complex game-play’ ya talk abou’? The puzzles were harder on Final Fantasy three. Games today are all flash, no substance. All power, no brain.
Just… like… YOU.
Maybe ya’ll can get away with havin’ a one byte brain in an eighty eight petabyte world, but ME?
Mister Entertainment?
I’ll do what I do best. Which is bring the razzle, the dazzle, the whole entire SHOW ta the people at home. Because there’s more ta ENTERTAINMENT than just yer video games or ya PC.
Ya see, Halman… oh, I’m sorry, you won’t get that reference either! What am I doin’, givin’ character names from books? I’ll let ya get in one free punch, how’s that?
Because that’s the ONLY way you’re gonna get ta wear the ON TV Title. If I let ya. Fer all your glitz, fer all the flash, fer all the hoo-ha surroundin’ yer arrival inta New ERA and fer all the things we saw durin’ the Dupree Cup…
Yer as worthless as the PS Three. All that flash, all that power, an’ ya bein’ outsold by the Nintendo Wii.
Yer bein’ out stripped… by a machine… which gets toilet jokes made about it. How embarrassing is that?
But then again, like Weird Al said, ya half undressed, eatin’ chips off ya chest whilst yer playin’ Halo Two. No-one’s classier than you.
But at WrestleSTOCK, it ain’t gonna be about you tryin’ ta win the title. Because you’re a joke. You’ve had ONE good message since ya got here, an’ that was by stealin’ the whole Santa’s Beard bit I did.
Yer over-priced, over-hyped, an’ at the end of the day… utterly useless. Because there are better forms of ENTERTAINMENT out there. Forms that are fun. Forms that educate, that make people think about social norms, or whatever. Forms with stories that captivate, that move, that entice, tease, an’ finally leave you with a sense of fulfilment.
What you do? No fulfilment. No fun. No education. No thought. Just mindless, runnin’ aroun’, killin’ monsters ta get a piece of equipment ta go fight some tougher monsters.
At least Sonic had little fluffy things to rescue.
I feel sorry fer ya, I really do. Ya little one byte memory, against the yottabyte ENTERTAINER that is ME.
Mister Entertainment.
Sucks to be you.
[WARP OUT… back to reality (oops there goes gravity), as we see Mr Entertainment sitting in front of a computer monitor, watching the scene]
ME: Now THAT’S…
ENTERTAINMENT.
[FADE OUT]
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OoC: Pictures, I think I found them on icanhascheezburger.com. Or on facebook.