Johnny Cupcakes banged my girlfriend
(CUEUP: “Anthems for a 17 year old girl” by Broken Social Scene…)
(CUTTO: MWG, in a black and white Johnny Cupcakes T-shirt and bondage pants, the tips of his faux-hawk newly dyed neon green, is smoking a cigarette out on the street, on his way to some awful goth party…)
“the IT boy”
“the surreal”
“the hardcore legend”
EM DUBBAYA GEE: Well, THIS is getting awkward…
I mean, here I am, so disgusted with the unprofessionalism of certain OTHER locker rooms competing in this thing, I’m swallowing the urge to break kayfabe and go on some silly, proselytizing shoot rant. And I, who used to smoke crystal meth out of a light bulb and Bogart the bathroom for an hour with two other boy whores before going on, I’m mad because other people aren’t being professional?...(shakes his head)…Ohmigawd…I’m SO losing my touch….
And I’m so bored slapping around all these inexperienced, over eager little sluts, the prospect of NEW versus EPW got me kinda excited…Yeah, I’ll admit it, I got a little hard, thinking about what I could do to Dan Ryan or Joey Melton, either of whom would hold me in their strong arms, show me what a man was, and maybe, just maybe, satisfy me.
Instead….I get “Sensational” Shane Stevens….Put a shotgun in my mouth, and pull the f(bleep)king trigger. This is so typical. Don’t we always, somehow, end up with a bad proximity of who we really wanted? Or just a vicious case of mono?
On the bright side, we don’t have to do the whole “I don’t know who you are, you don’t know what I am,” blah blah blah, ‘cuz I actually know who Shane Stevens is. Sorta. He’s an EPW midcarder with a really generic ring name. And he flirts relentlessly with Dan Ryan to compensate for his lack of anything else to offer, as far as star power, wrestling ability, charisma, or anything else goes. He does exactly one thing right. He gives decent hand jobs. Making him a slight improvement on the last two slugs I dismantled.
You’re not who I wanted, Steven Shane. But I’ll make do. I can make gentle and compassionate love. Even though, really, I kinda wanna handcuff you to the radiator and ram it in ‘till something starts bleeding…
…..Well, actually, instant personal gratification is really more my thing, so would you mind if we just skipped to the radiator thing? Pretty please?
You’ve been tossed into the deep end, baby cakes. Flail your arms around and scream for help, otherwise you’ll disappear here….Fag.
(FTB)
