SigilOfLeviBF
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[updated:LAST EDITED ON Oct-14-03 AT 06:23 PM (EST)](FADEIN: One of Castor's movie sets. Benjamin yells 'action'. The Nina, the Pinto, and the Santa Del Fiesta come sailing in on an ocean set.)
NARRATOR: You've heard the stories, you've colored his picture in elementary school, and you got an extra day off because of his exploration...now experience the excitement of Christopher Columbus, as no one can bring to you but Benjamin V. Hernandez, famed director of Three Ninjas 5, The Mighty Ducks 6, Free Willy 3, and Batman 4. Now, for the first time, you'll learn the TRUTH about Christopher Columbus and what REALLY (Voice FX) REALLY (More Voice FX) REALLY happened when the new world was found.
(The Nina arrives on land first. Columbus gets out.)
COLUMBUS: OH, this is great, perfect! (Yelling at other ships) COME ON, JAGOFFS, WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY! By 9 O'clock I want a hooker and a margarita, so HURRY...UP! Oh great, here comes the Pinto...
(The Pinto is a low, yellow ship, jumping up and down on the waves becase of its hydraulics, and the closer it approaches, the more you can hear the song 'Low Rider'. The Pinto arrives on shore, and out jumps 50 hispanic guys.)
COLUMBUS: Well it took you damn Spaniards long enough!
PINTO CREWMAN: Hey mang, we ain't no Spaniards, we Latino homey.
COLUMBUS: Whatever, Latinos, Spaniards, it's all the same thing. You and your cousins get a move on, we got a lot of work to do.
(The Santa Del Fiesta arrives)
COLUMBUS: Okay, everyone here? Great. Let's see here...OK, WHITE GUYS, GO BUILD THE HOUSES! EVERYONE ELSE...MOW LAWNS! LET NO WEED GO UNTURNED! ANDALAY, ANDALAY!
(A whole bunch of naked Native Americans come out of the woods)
COLUMBUS: Whoa whoa whoa, who the hell are these guys? OKAY, EVERYBODY STAY BACK! DON'T LOOK THEM IN THE EYE, I THINK THEY BITE!
HEAD INDIAN: You no understand the native ways. My name Armando Squantezuma. Welcome to America.
COLUMBUS: Oh, ya hear that boys? We're in India!
SQUANTEZUMA: No, you've reached America.
COLUMBUS: Oh man, I can't believe we reached India. So where's all the cobra snakes and flutes and stuff? Crap, I'm gonna meet Ghandi and look how I'm dressed!
SQUANTEZUMA: Hey Kimosabesque, these guys are idiots.
KIMOSABESQUE: Kick them out of country!
COLUMBUS: Hey, Pedro and cousins, these guys don't want you immigrating here! You gonna take that from these naked brown guys? Enslave them!
(hours later, all the Indians are lined up)
COLUMBUS: OK, you are all my slaves, understand? If one of you gets out of line, I not only kill you, but I kill your best friend. Is this understood? Hey Pedro, are you recording this for the history books?
PEDRO: Si Senor! (Pedro looks down at his history book and begins writing...)
"Christopher Columbus found America, which happened to be inhabited by naked people called Indians. Their civilization was in shambles, so they begged Columbus and friends to help. So Columbus taught them all how to build railroads and houses, and they taught Columbus how to grow...corn. At the end of the day, Columbus and friends cooked everyone a nice turkey dinner, and both parties sat down to a nice peaceful meal. Then the Indians caught all these odd savage diseases, and while Columbus tried to help them out, it was to no avail, and most of them died out. The ones who survived went on to run the Foxwoods Casino in New England."
COLUMBUS: You see that, naked savages? I can do whatever I like to you, and it'll be for naught, because little kids are gonna worship me. But if any of you animals f*ck up, Pedro's gonna take away the smidgen of white guilt we may or may not give to you, so watch your as*es, or no Foxwoods or reservations! In fact, I'll just kill you all right here, and we won't even mention you in the g*ddamn book, I swear, it'll be like you people never existed. You read me loud and clear? YOUR WAMPUM IS NO GOOD HERE! Tend to the farms, send your women to my tent on a nightly basis, and don't talk so much, and maybe...JUST MAYBE, we'll let you build a Foxwoods or two. NOW GET GOING!
KIMOSABESQUE: This b*llshit. I no like Foxwoods, and I no like you, white devil!
COLUMBUS: Hey, was this guy listening? I swear to God, I'll ravage that little piece of ass Pocahantis, she'll be bleeding for weeks.
KIMOSABESQUE: We no want you here, we no want any of you here!
COLUMBUS: OH NO, WATCH OUT GUYS! Don't underestimate his powers! He'll put you to sleep fast if you keep listening to him. Look, look, I'm yawning, I'm yawning!
KIMOSABESQUE: Leave our lands, white devils!
COLUMBUS: Christ, my eyelids are closing! Must fight sleep, must fight boredom. Someone, please, shoot him with an arrow. On second thought...PEDRO, STAB HIM!
PEDRO: HASTA LUEGO, MARICON!
KIMOSABESQUE: You no hurt me, I a legend in these parts! Just try!
(PEDRO STABS HIM)
KIMOSABESQUE: What is this? He kill me so easily! Why?
SQUANTEZUMA: Kimosabesque, maybe you should have been getting sexy time from female natives more, instead of bragging about your medium sized bow and arrow!
KIMOSABESQUE: Nimoy...out... (dies)
SQUANTEZUMA: HAHAHAHA! Finally, he dead! Let us celebrate with turkey dinner!
COLUMBUS: Thanks, but I'd rather have you do slave work. (Silence) Seriously...slave work. (Squantezuma stares at Columbus) Slave work. (Still staring at him) Um...you can go now. Be gone. (Squantezuma leaves) Jeez, what a loser. But I like his tenacity! Pedro, mark him down as a hero!
PEDRO: Si, Columbus, si!
COLUMBUS: And while your at it, mow my lawn, and I ain't talking about the green one. (Silence) You know, in my pants. (Pedro stares at Columbus) Cutting the black threads... (Still staring at him) Shave my pubes. (Pedro runs)
BENJAMIN: CUT! That was perfect! It was just like the real thing, guys. This is going to be the most historically accurate film ever, and I'm talking of all time! Okay, scene two: Pocahantis' abortion. Ready? Aaaaaaand ACTION!
(FTB)
NARRATOR: You've heard the stories, you've colored his picture in elementary school, and you got an extra day off because of his exploration...now experience the excitement of Christopher Columbus, as no one can bring to you but Benjamin V. Hernandez, famed director of Three Ninjas 5, The Mighty Ducks 6, Free Willy 3, and Batman 4. Now, for the first time, you'll learn the TRUTH about Christopher Columbus and what REALLY (Voice FX) REALLY (More Voice FX) REALLY happened when the new world was found.
(The Nina arrives on land first. Columbus gets out.)
COLUMBUS: OH, this is great, perfect! (Yelling at other ships) COME ON, JAGOFFS, WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY! By 9 O'clock I want a hooker and a margarita, so HURRY...UP! Oh great, here comes the Pinto...
(The Pinto is a low, yellow ship, jumping up and down on the waves becase of its hydraulics, and the closer it approaches, the more you can hear the song 'Low Rider'. The Pinto arrives on shore, and out jumps 50 hispanic guys.)
COLUMBUS: Well it took you damn Spaniards long enough!
PINTO CREWMAN: Hey mang, we ain't no Spaniards, we Latino homey.
COLUMBUS: Whatever, Latinos, Spaniards, it's all the same thing. You and your cousins get a move on, we got a lot of work to do.
(The Santa Del Fiesta arrives)
COLUMBUS: Okay, everyone here? Great. Let's see here...OK, WHITE GUYS, GO BUILD THE HOUSES! EVERYONE ELSE...MOW LAWNS! LET NO WEED GO UNTURNED! ANDALAY, ANDALAY!
(A whole bunch of naked Native Americans come out of the woods)
COLUMBUS: Whoa whoa whoa, who the hell are these guys? OKAY, EVERYBODY STAY BACK! DON'T LOOK THEM IN THE EYE, I THINK THEY BITE!
HEAD INDIAN: You no understand the native ways. My name Armando Squantezuma. Welcome to America.
COLUMBUS: Oh, ya hear that boys? We're in India!
SQUANTEZUMA: No, you've reached America.
COLUMBUS: Oh man, I can't believe we reached India. So where's all the cobra snakes and flutes and stuff? Crap, I'm gonna meet Ghandi and look how I'm dressed!
SQUANTEZUMA: Hey Kimosabesque, these guys are idiots.
KIMOSABESQUE: Kick them out of country!
COLUMBUS: Hey, Pedro and cousins, these guys don't want you immigrating here! You gonna take that from these naked brown guys? Enslave them!
(hours later, all the Indians are lined up)
COLUMBUS: OK, you are all my slaves, understand? If one of you gets out of line, I not only kill you, but I kill your best friend. Is this understood? Hey Pedro, are you recording this for the history books?
PEDRO: Si Senor! (Pedro looks down at his history book and begins writing...)
"Christopher Columbus found America, which happened to be inhabited by naked people called Indians. Their civilization was in shambles, so they begged Columbus and friends to help. So Columbus taught them all how to build railroads and houses, and they taught Columbus how to grow...corn. At the end of the day, Columbus and friends cooked everyone a nice turkey dinner, and both parties sat down to a nice peaceful meal. Then the Indians caught all these odd savage diseases, and while Columbus tried to help them out, it was to no avail, and most of them died out. The ones who survived went on to run the Foxwoods Casino in New England."
COLUMBUS: You see that, naked savages? I can do whatever I like to you, and it'll be for naught, because little kids are gonna worship me. But if any of you animals f*ck up, Pedro's gonna take away the smidgen of white guilt we may or may not give to you, so watch your as*es, or no Foxwoods or reservations! In fact, I'll just kill you all right here, and we won't even mention you in the g*ddamn book, I swear, it'll be like you people never existed. You read me loud and clear? YOUR WAMPUM IS NO GOOD HERE! Tend to the farms, send your women to my tent on a nightly basis, and don't talk so much, and maybe...JUST MAYBE, we'll let you build a Foxwoods or two. NOW GET GOING!
KIMOSABESQUE: This b*llshit. I no like Foxwoods, and I no like you, white devil!
COLUMBUS: Hey, was this guy listening? I swear to God, I'll ravage that little piece of ass Pocahantis, she'll be bleeding for weeks.
KIMOSABESQUE: We no want you here, we no want any of you here!
COLUMBUS: OH NO, WATCH OUT GUYS! Don't underestimate his powers! He'll put you to sleep fast if you keep listening to him. Look, look, I'm yawning, I'm yawning!
KIMOSABESQUE: Leave our lands, white devils!
COLUMBUS: Christ, my eyelids are closing! Must fight sleep, must fight boredom. Someone, please, shoot him with an arrow. On second thought...PEDRO, STAB HIM!
PEDRO: HASTA LUEGO, MARICON!
KIMOSABESQUE: You no hurt me, I a legend in these parts! Just try!
(PEDRO STABS HIM)
KIMOSABESQUE: What is this? He kill me so easily! Why?
SQUANTEZUMA: Kimosabesque, maybe you should have been getting sexy time from female natives more, instead of bragging about your medium sized bow and arrow!
KIMOSABESQUE: Nimoy...out... (dies)
SQUANTEZUMA: HAHAHAHA! Finally, he dead! Let us celebrate with turkey dinner!
COLUMBUS: Thanks, but I'd rather have you do slave work. (Silence) Seriously...slave work. (Squantezuma stares at Columbus) Slave work. (Still staring at him) Um...you can go now. Be gone. (Squantezuma leaves) Jeez, what a loser. But I like his tenacity! Pedro, mark him down as a hero!
PEDRO: Si, Columbus, si!
COLUMBUS: And while your at it, mow my lawn, and I ain't talking about the green one. (Silence) You know, in my pants. (Pedro stares at Columbus) Cutting the black threads... (Still staring at him) Shave my pubes. (Pedro runs)
BENJAMIN: CUT! That was perfect! It was just like the real thing, guys. This is going to be the most historically accurate film ever, and I'm talking of all time! Okay, scene two: Pocahantis' abortion. Ready? Aaaaaaand ACTION!
(FTB)