Calamity Jon
League Member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2000
- Messages
- 52
- Points
- 0
(FADEIn to two burly men in French-Canadian trapper's clothes, sitting in a canoe and waving oars around. On what is obviously a bluescreen behind them, the footage of a raging river and a forest speeding by is displayed. Someone offscreen rocks the canoe and occasionally splashes water at the two men. The foley of rushing water is so loud and the boom mike so poorly placed, the dialogue is hard to hear)
The first man is the smaller of the two, riding the front and leaning into wind and spray. He paddles and laughs "Ho HO! The river is challenging us today, Tom! I think it's trying to kick our ASSES! It's taking all my manly strength to hold the course, and be true to our trusty maps!"
The other man is much larger, in girth and height - his half of the canoe doesn't rock as much - and he paddles much more slowly. "Iron John, lad, maps are for lesser men! Damn the maps! Let the river rush and bellow and churn, and try to claim our burly, hair-covered, lice-ridden carcasses! I'll gladly welcome that watery grave, and I'll kiss it right on the mouth - EVEN IF IT'S A MAN! Ho ho! For what IS death but another adventure, the greatest adventure of all!? HO HO! HA!"
John: "Yes, HO HO! Of course you're right Big Tom, only I was thinking what an adventure we'd miss if we were lying bloated and stone dead at the bottom of this MIGHTY RIVER instead of pitting our great muscles and skills against the brawling champions of the CSWA, AS WE PROMISED!"
Tom: "HOHO! You're right, Iron John! A true MAN OF ADVENTURE does not go back on his word, even if it means SPITTING IN THE EYE OF THIS WATERY B(BLEEP), so come on you DAMN IMPOTENT RIVER, do your worst to "Iron" John Waits and Benjamin "Big Tom" Remus! We'll laugh even as you rip our limbs off and bash our heads into pudding! HAAAR! HOHO!"
John: "HO! Let's SING!"
Tom: "Of course! What is life without song? Ooooo ... (singing) ADVENTURE! Men of adventure ... Conquering the worrrrrld ..."
(CUTTO: A long shot, stock footage of a canoe on a raging river - there appear to be six people inside of it. There's a voiceover of Tom and John laughing heartily and continuing their song. Suddenly, CUTTO another stock scene, this time of a canoe falling off a waterfall. John and Tom scream)
(CUTTO John and Tom standing in front of a bluescreen of a raging river, their clothes soaked in spots, the canoe turned upside down behind them. John is fixing his hat and Tom is waving an oar around, as though he's stuck and is trying to helicopter himself to safety)
John: "Ho ho! A mighty fall, and for lesser men, it might have been f(BLEEP) all!"
Tom: (spits water) "But not to the Men of Adventure! No!"
John: "Ho ho, NO! What other great adventures await us in the CSWA!? (deliberately to camera) What adventures - indeed!"
(FadeToBlack as the duo laugh heartily)
The first man is the smaller of the two, riding the front and leaning into wind and spray. He paddles and laughs "Ho HO! The river is challenging us today, Tom! I think it's trying to kick our ASSES! It's taking all my manly strength to hold the course, and be true to our trusty maps!"
The other man is much larger, in girth and height - his half of the canoe doesn't rock as much - and he paddles much more slowly. "Iron John, lad, maps are for lesser men! Damn the maps! Let the river rush and bellow and churn, and try to claim our burly, hair-covered, lice-ridden carcasses! I'll gladly welcome that watery grave, and I'll kiss it right on the mouth - EVEN IF IT'S A MAN! Ho ho! For what IS death but another adventure, the greatest adventure of all!? HO HO! HA!"
John: "Yes, HO HO! Of course you're right Big Tom, only I was thinking what an adventure we'd miss if we were lying bloated and stone dead at the bottom of this MIGHTY RIVER instead of pitting our great muscles and skills against the brawling champions of the CSWA, AS WE PROMISED!"
Tom: "HOHO! You're right, Iron John! A true MAN OF ADVENTURE does not go back on his word, even if it means SPITTING IN THE EYE OF THIS WATERY B(BLEEP), so come on you DAMN IMPOTENT RIVER, do your worst to "Iron" John Waits and Benjamin "Big Tom" Remus! We'll laugh even as you rip our limbs off and bash our heads into pudding! HAAAR! HOHO!"
John: "HO! Let's SING!"
Tom: "Of course! What is life without song? Ooooo ... (singing) ADVENTURE! Men of adventure ... Conquering the worrrrrld ..."
(CUTTO: A long shot, stock footage of a canoe on a raging river - there appear to be six people inside of it. There's a voiceover of Tom and John laughing heartily and continuing their song. Suddenly, CUTTO another stock scene, this time of a canoe falling off a waterfall. John and Tom scream)
(CUTTO John and Tom standing in front of a bluescreen of a raging river, their clothes soaked in spots, the canoe turned upside down behind them. John is fixing his hat and Tom is waving an oar around, as though he's stuck and is trying to helicopter himself to safety)
John: "Ho ho! A mighty fall, and for lesser men, it might have been f(BLEEP) all!"
Tom: (spits water) "But not to the Men of Adventure! No!"
John: "Ho ho, NO! What other great adventures await us in the CSWA!? (deliberately to camera) What adventures - indeed!"
(FadeToBlack as the duo laugh heartily)