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Paying your Professional Taxes


Jan 1, 1970
(FADEIN: The cluttered, paper-stacked, box fan with no A/C 6x6 CSWA cubicle of 'Middle Management' Mike McGee...He's furiously working through forms, his standard company Gateway lowly humming out the local radio live feed of Donald J. Havok...McGee curiously looks up and starts sniffing around, all of a sudden his eyes bulge out as a cloud of smoke enters into his office...

CUTTO: 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES standing with one arm on the cubicle 'wall' and his other hand holding a cigarette, while he blows out a smoke ring...)

MILES: "My favorite accountant..."

McGEE: "Put that out before I get fired!"

MILES: "Oh sorry...."

(MILES walks over and takes a seat on the corner of McGEE's cluttered desk, ashing out his cigarette on his paperweight - which McGEE stares at...but he's an Presidential employee, what can he do?)

McGEE: "There's a chair in the other office...go get it, please. We have a bad situation on our hands..."

(MILES' smirk disappears, he knows this is trouble...as he goes searching for a chair, McGEE pulls out a manilla folder with a huge stack of papers in it. The folder needs 4 rubber bands just to be tied down. Then he quickly sprays some Vanilla Glade - cigarettes do bother him. MILES hurries back in with a reclining leather chair, with a gold plated "GG" on both arms...)

McGEE: "Had to steal THAT one?"

MILES: "He's not around, don't worry."

McGEE: "Well, take a seat 'cause pardon my language you're in deep (bleep!)."

(MILES obliges, not looking to pleased anymore...)

MILES: "What's the deal, Mike? What's in the folder..."

McGEE: "Receipts."

MILES: "What?"

McGEE: "Your CSWA taxes are due..."

MILES: "There's CSWA taxes?"

(McGEE picks up a pamphlet and gives it to MILES)

MILES: "How to become a Vice President in 7 days or less in the CSWA. Wow, there really is a dungeon chamber...oh nasty! In 2000, they added oral responsibilities!"

McGEE: "Wait wrong one...here."

(MILES gets another pamphlet, tossing the other away...he starts reading...)

MILES: "The real CSWA popcorn story began one stormy night when Chad Merritt, Stephen Thomas and Steve Schroeder found themselves alone in the office..."

(McGEE's eyes go wide and he grabs the pamphlet. MILES shudders at what he must've just read and McGEE hands him another pamphlet...)

MILES: "The CSWA-WD40: Everything you need to know about your CSWA taxes. (MILES looks up) You've got to be kidding me."

McGEE: "When's the last time you've paid your taxes, Craig?"

MILES: "..."

McGEE: "I didn't think so. You've never paid your taxes here and it seems that the office is gonna call you in and ask you for a big box of something I don't think you have..."

MILES: "What's that?"

McGEE: "Receipts."

MILES: "Receipts?"

McGEE: "Yeah, for instance I handle all of Eddie's receipts. Look at this one."

(McGEE hands MILES a receipt, from his 'out' box.)

MILES: "Dan Ryan, Sean Stevens due by CSWA15. What the hell?"

McGEE: "Well, now here's the thing. Being a CSWA employee by day and Presidential manager by night...well, I figured since you ran a similar business you'd know about these things and take care of them...so I didn't make your personnel file a top priority of mine..."

MILES: "There's no fu(bleep!)in' taxes at my company."

McGEE: "Oh that's right, you're logical. I forgot."

MILES: "It's alright, working here gets everyone confused..."

McGEE: "Well as you can imagine, Eddie wasn't aware of this either. That made me think that you weren't either. So read Article IX in that pamphlet."

(MILES flips the pages and starts reading...)

MILES: "You gotta be kidding me..."

McGEE: "I know Mr. Miles, this is why we need Eddie to fully take control here..."

MILES: "Everytime I touch a potential 'fan-favorite' aka 'babyface' product of the CSWA I automatically owe a receipt?"

McGEE: "Yup."

MILES: "What does touch mean?"

McGEE: "That's still up to Chad..."

MILES: "Aren't there exemptions? I mean c'mon, Simply Stunning has to get me out of this - that was the crappiest job I've had to take in my career..."

McGEE: "Actually for what you did to them, you owe this receipt to the CSWA as a whole..."

(MILES peruses the receipt, his eyes in disbelief...)

MILES: "There won't be midgets, right?"

McGEE: "Hopefully not."

MILES: (looking up, scared) "Mike, what can I do... I can't even imagine what this means with the name I cannot name..."

(McGEE sighs and hands him a receipt, MILES reads it - his jaw drops.)

MILES: "All of us? We ALL owe him?"

(McGEE shakes his head sadly)

McGEE: I'm just learning the system now, Mr. Miles - I'm terribly sorry."

MILES: "Mike this isn't THEIR fault. I brought that bastard back, they shouldn't take the fall! What can I do!?!?!"

McGEE: (sighs heavily) "You have to sell, Mr. Miles."

MILES: "Sell?"

McGEE: "Sell, sell, sell - like its going out of style. There's one loophole in all of this...it might be able to get Bill and Eddie off the hook..."

MILES: "I have to sell."

McGEE: "You have to sell."

MILES: "How long do I have?"

McGEE: "Taxes are due by Anniversary, Mr. Miles. If you pay early, you won't owe anything then. If you follow my advice and take the loophole - maybe we can find a way out of this mess."

MILES: "Mike, lemme ask you - how the hell does this do me any good in the long run? I mean, Article X says for 'showing up', 'outperforming', 'outsmarting', 'outwrestling', 'out-promo cutting' any potential 'fan-favorite' product - I potentially owe a receipt."

McGEE: "Yes."

MILES: (pointing to the near-exploding, rubber-banded down folder) "Well shouldn't that Intruder folder be bigger?"

McGEE: "Ummm, Mr. Miles. That's YOUR folder."


McGEE: "Yes, for some reason you owe him too."

MILES: "What? Why?"

McGEE: "You're a better drinker on camera."

MILES: "That's crap!"

McGEE: "Good thing the Manuel spot never made it..."

MILES: "No doubt."

McGEE: "So, if you don't mind me asking 'cause I'm at a loss right now over this - what are we going to do? There's no way with these rules in this company that any of us will have jobs in 2 years. They're running the ship into an iceberg..."

MILES: "Easy, Mike. If they catch you making fun of that Anniversary sketch - I don't think your frame is fit to handle receipts. Anyway, if I'm the one that got us into this mess, then I'm the one that's gonna get us out. Don't you worry, where there's a loophole there's a way...and if we all owe something 'cause of a mistake I made. Then I'll bear the brunt of the kick that comes with it."

McGEE: "You're a good man, Mr. Miles - I see why everyone enjoys working for you."

MILES: "Thanks, Mike."

(MILES stands up...he rips the double-plated "GG's" off the chair)

MILES: "One receipt for the road, Mike. Contact Eddie and Bill - tell 'em I'm the fall guy."

(MILES exits)

McGEE: "What a wonderful man."


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