Points With The Professor: TLC Edition

[Damien]

[L- L- L- Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome...]

[The only living]

[Breathing]

[Point Calculating]

[Professor... in captivity]

[SOMEBODY GIVE ME TENURE!]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIpDl_C5JwA

[Professor Noble!]

[SOMEBODY MAKE ME A POINTS WITH THE PROFESSOR LOGO!]

[HS]Professor[/HS]

[Or a headshot, whatever]

The Professor:
POINTS TIME MO FOS!

[Cue them canned sound effects.]

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Professor:
What a week, what a week, WHAT A WEEK!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Professor:
We’re gonna get right down into it this week and take a look at the NEW number one league in the land... HeritAAAAAAAAGE!

[Heritage League]

1.​

Claira St. Sure​

36​

+8​

5​

0​

0​

5​

1-0​

5W​

W W W W W​

2.​

Christian Light​

26​

+16​

3​

0​

0​

3​

1-0​

3W​

- - W W W​

3.​

Cancer Jiles​

25​

+19​

1​

1​

0​

2​

0-1​

1W​

- - - W L​

4.​

Eugene Dewey​

23​

+5​

3​

2​

0​

5​

0-1​

1L​

L W W W L​

5.​

Jan Gin Xiao​

22​

12​

3​

2​

0​

5​

1-0​

1W​

W L W L W​

6.​

Jack Cassidy​

13​

3​

3​

1​

0​

4​

1-0​

1W​

- W L W W​

7.​

Michel LaLiberte​

9​

0​

1​

4​

0​

5​

0-1​

3L​

W L L L L​

8.​

Nakita DuBov​

5​

0​

1​

4​

0​

5​

0-0​

3L​

W L L L L​

The Professor:
Now, you may notice the tables look a little more like Alceo Dentari this week... Shorter. But never fear, because we’ve got more than enough points to go around all those that are left. Just LOOK at the top of the table and you’ll see points galore!

[The professor extends his long pointy extending device and slaps the top of his projection, pointing to Claira St. Sure’s name.]

The Professor:
CLAIRA ST. SURE!

[Told you.]

The Professor:
The Jamaican Beauty stays atop the world with another win, taking her to five wins in a row. She picks up five for a win and three bonus points to extended her lead at the top.

[Move that pointer down, *****!]

The Professor:
But rocketing up the the table are two men that benefited hugely from the main event this week. Christian Light managed to grab that case full of points, while Cancer Jiles seemed to focus more on eliminating the competition and worming his way into getting more points from Jeff Andrews. As it is, between them they’ve picked up thirty-four points this week. Fifteen to Light, and a massive nineteen to Jiles.

[I think I know who’s going to win this week’s Noble Points Prize]

The Professor:
Now, Jiles isn’t stupid. He knew exactly who to eliminate to get those points, and he ends Eugene Dewey’s win streak early on, claiming one point for his scalp. Dewey on the flip side managed to take advantage of a massive run of finishers and pin Dan Ryan of Evolution fame to pick up five consolation points of his own. That, and that alone, keeps Dewey up in fourth place.

The Professor:
Another big mover this week, and when I say big, I mean FACKIN’ HEUG! Jan Gin Xiao picks up twelve points for a win in his handicap match, as he defeated struggling Mike Sloan and Evolution’s latest acquisition, Kevin Cage. Cage’s loss means he loses his win streak, but JGX picks up those precious bonus points to move him much closer to contention.

The Professor:
Then, this is what makes me sad...

[WAH WAH WAHHHHHHHHHHHH]

The Professor:
Jack Cassidy, freshly traded from Evolution, along with Troy Matthews, who has been forced to take a leave of absence, picked up three points on the back of Claira St. Sure’s submission victory, but still languishes near the bottom of the table.

The Professor:
Then we come to Michel LaLiberte and Nakita DuBov. Belive me, these two have the tools, the skills and the abilities to make a big splash in these leagues. They just seem to have come up against consistently tough circumstances. But, as we can see at the top of the table, one week can make all the difference. Will next week see either or both of these competitors shock the world and rocket up the league? Only time will tell.

The Professor:
AAAAAAAND NOW!

[Evolution League]

1.​

Alceo Dentari​

16​

0​

3​

2​

0​

5​

0-1​

1W​

W W L W L​

2.​

Jack Bryant​

16​

0​

3​

1​

0​

4​

0-1​

1L​

- W W W L​

3.​

Kevin Cage​

16​

0​

3​

2​

0​

5​

0-1​

1L​

W W W L L​

4.​

Jonny Booya​

15​

+5​

3​

2​

0​

5​

1-0​

1W​

W W L L W​

5.​

Yoshikazu YAZ​

12​

+5​

2​

3​

0​

5​

1-0​

2W​

L L W L W​

6.​

Dan Ryan​

10​

0​

2​

3​

0​

5​

0-1​

1L​

L W L W L​

7.​

Mike Sloan​

3​

0​

0​

4​

0​

4​

0-0​

3L​

- L L L L​

8.​

Dragon Jones​

0​

0​

1​

2​

1​

4​

0-0​

1W​

- D L W L​

9.​

Pete Whealdon​

0​

0​

0​

1​

0​

1​

0-0​

0​

- - - - L​

10.​

Johnny Hotrod​

0​

0​

0​

2​

0​

2​

0-0​

2L​

- - - L L​

The Professor:
Holy three way, Batman. We have a shocking tie at the top of the league!

The Professor:
Alceo Dentari, Jack Bryant and Kevin Cage, despite none of them picking up a win this week all sit joint first at the pinacle of Evolution. Jack Bryant suffered his first defeat at the hands of Cancer Jiles. Kevin Cage suffered his at the hands of Jan Gin Xiao, and Alceo Dentari suffered one hell of a fall at the hands of Christian Light. However, Dentari’s minute win streak stays in tact as he wasn’t actually eliminated from the TLC match, so every cloud, eh?

The Professor:
Jonny Booya picked himself up and dusted himself down this week to pick up a win over Heritage’s Nakita DuBov, thus moving himself one point behind the leaders. He also continues to have his problems with Alceo Dentari and new fifth places man,Yoshikazu YAZ, who scooped up five points with a victory over Michel LaLiberte.

The Professor:
And as for the rest of the table, well, New Entry, ‘Suite’ Pete Whealdon, failed to make a splash on his debut, however when you rely on others to earn those points, things don’t always go how you want them. Dragon Jones and Johnny Hotrod weren’t in action this week, and so there’s no change there.

The Professor:
Dan Ryan is still near the top of the table, and it’ll only take one or two big wins to move himself up to contention at the top, but Mike Sloan, still doesn’t manage to find his first win in Defiance. Will next week be his week?

The Professor:
Now, I want you to look at this column here.

[INTERLEAGUEPOINTS!]

The Professor:
These points mean something. They mean a hell of a lot, actually. Now, the league with the most interleague points at the end of the season will have one extra entry into the final. So these little things mean a hell of a lot to everyone involved.

The Professor:
Heritage may have been through a rough patch in the last month or so, but believe me, these guys have come out swinging to pick up four interleague points and put themselves ahead of Evolution, who managed to scoop up two.

The Professor:
So, as it stands right now, the post season tournament will see two Heritage members against one evolution member in a triple threat match.

The Professor:
And so, I think that’s all we have time for this we-

[BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]

The Professor:
OH! That’s right, it’s time for the NOBLE POINTS PRIZE!

[Fire up the randomizer!]

​

The Professor:
GOD DAMNIT! I know I uploaded that new selection list to your hard drive!

[BEEP!]

The Professor:
Don’t argue with me! I know I did.

[Bleep.]

The Professor:
SIGH!

[Bleep bleep bleugh]

The Professor:
You liked the 404 joke from last week so much you wanted to use it again?

[Beep beep!]

The Professor:
Fine... But next week you HAVE to use the new list, ok?

[Beep beep]

The Professor:
Ok, and this week’s winner...

[Sigh.]

[404 error, the page you have requested cannot be found.]

[JUST KIDDING!]

The Professor:
We’ll call this the Noble COOL pize this week, as Cancer Jiles scoops up the medal for his massive haul of nineteen points this week.

The Professor:
Now that IS all we have time for this week, folks. But join us next time where we’ll be much better prepared. And believe me, we’ve got ideas for this show that you’re not going to want to miss. Apparently our script writer gets lazy after [don’t break the fourth wall] a TLC match.

The Professor:
SO, until next time, this is Alexander Noble and The Randomizer, bidding you adieu!

 

[Damien]

[We appologise for the inconvenience, but it's been brought to our attention that the league tables published by The Professor this week were incorrect.]

[Here are the amended points tables, please disregard the majority of 'The Professor's' comments, and tables seen in the show above.]

[Evolution League]

Rank​

Name​

Points Total​

Points This Week​

W​

L​

D​

Matches​

Interleague Record​

Streak​

Last 5 Results​

1.​

Alceo Dentari​

16​

0​

3​

2​

0​

5​

0-1​

1W​

W W L W L​

2.​

Kevin Cage​

16​

0​

3​

2​

0​

5​

0-1​

3W​

W W W L L​

3.​

Jonny Booya​

15​

+5​

3​

2​

0​

5​

1-0​

1W​

W W L L W​

4.​

Yoshikazu YAZ​

12​

+5​

2​

3​

0​

5​

1-0​

2W​

L L W L W​

5.​

Jack Bryant​

11​

-5​

3​

1​

0​

4​

0-1​

1L​

- W W W L​

6.​

Dan Ryan​

10​

0​

2​

3​

0​

5​

0-1​

1W​

L W L W L​

7.​

Mike Sloan​

3​

0​

0​

4​

0​

4​

0-0​

2L​

- L L L L​

8.​

Dragon Jones​

0​

0​

1​

2​

1​

4​

0-0​

1W​

- D L W L​

9.​

Pete Whealdon​

0​

0​

0​

1​

0​

1​

0-0​

0​

- - - - L​

10.​

Johnny Hotrod​

0​

0​

0​

2​

0​

2​

0-0​

2L​

- - - L L​

[Heritage League]

Rank

Name​

Points Total​

Points This Week​

W​

L​

D​

Matches​

Interleague Record​

Streak​

Last 5 Results

1.​

Claira St. Sure​

36​

+8​

5​

0​

0​

5​

1-0​

5W​

W W W W W​

2.​

Christian Light​

26​

+16​

3​

0​

0​

3​

1-0​

3W​

- - W W W​

3.​

Eugene Dewey​

23​

+5​

3​

2​

0​

5​

0-1​

3W​

L W W W L​

4.​

Jan Gin Xiao​

20​

10​

3​

2​

0​

5​

1-0​

1W​

W L W L W​

5.​

Cancer Jiles​

15​

+10​

1​

1​

0​

2​

0-1​

1W​

- - - W L​

6.​

Jack Cassidy​

13​

3​

3​

1​

0​

4​

1-0​

1W​

- W L W W​

7.​

Michel LaLiberte​

9​

0​

1​

4​

0​

5​

0-1​

3L​

W L L L L​

8.​

Nakita DuBov​

5​

0​

1​

4​

0​

5​

0-0​

3L​

W L L L L​

[Points structuring is expected to have a complete overhaul following the inital first stage of this season.]

[Also, to avoid any more errors with points following this week, The Professor and 'The Randomizer' will be joined by a 'special guest' for all future shows.]

[Stay tuned for all the stories right here in DEFIANCE!]

 

[JeffOLW]

Jeff Andrews, sitting at his desk, all pissed off-like.

"It has been brought to my attention that, somehow, Cancer Jiles' points are still tabulated wrong."

"His actual point total is zero, due to him being a faggot."

...

...

...

"Is what I'd like to be saying."

"In actuality, Jiles points are as follows."

+1 as a compensation prize for me throttling him with a crowbar.

+5 for winning the four way match with Kevin Cage, Michel LaLiberte and Fishman Deluxe.

+5 for eliminating Jack Bryant from the TLC

+5 for eliminating Dan Ryan from the TLC

+4 through litigation regarding the beatdown I gave him.

+2 for collecting the reward offered on Preseason 2 to whomever eliminated him from a battle royal

Jeff Andrews' facial expression could be expressed as ffuucckkmylife.jpg

"Cancer Jiles' current point total is 22, and his streak stands at two wins."

"Now, with this announcement made, I am going get drunk and pray to the old gods that he gets hit by a bus."

And with that, Jeff Andrews upends a bottle of Russel's Reserve Rye Whiskey.

 

[Damien]

[Heritage League]

Rank

Name​

Points Total​

Points This Week​

W​

L​

D​

Matches​

Interleague Record​

Streak​

Last 5 Results​

1.​

Claira St. Sure​

36​

+8​

5​

0​

0​

5​

1-0​

5W​

W W W W W​

2.​

Christian Light​

26​

+16​

3​

0​

0​

3​

1-0​

3W​

- - W W W​

3.​

Eugene Dewey​

23​

+5​

3​

2​

0​

5​

0-1​

3W​

L W W W L​

4.​

Cancer Jiles​

21​

+16​

1​

1​

0​

2​

0-1​

1W​

- - - W L​

5.​

Jan Gin Xiao​

20​

+10​

3​

2​

0​

5​

1-0​

1W​

W L W L W​

6.​

Jack Cassidy​

13​

3​

3​

1​

0​

4​

1-0​

1W​

- W L W W​

7.​

Michel LaLiberte​

9​

0​

1​

4​

0​

5​

0-1​

3L​

W L L L L​

8.​

Nakita DuBov​

5​

0​

1​

4​

0​

5​

0-0​

3L​

W L L L L​