As soon as the shot kicks in, we get a pretty good idea of what we're in for.
Standing in the middle of a rocky terrain, wearing a lightly tan tunic with a burgundy vest is Jeffrey Roberts. He has his hair in a slightly curled, mussed up style and a thin moustache, with a scar, obviously fake, on each cheek. He slightly raises a sword and ends up looking something like this:
When he speaks, he has a slight Spanish accent, for unknown reasons.
There's no one else here. The wind blows lightly. Roberts' eyes dart slightly, realizing again that he came up here alone and he re-steels himself.
ROBERTS: "My name is Jeffrigo Robtoya - you keel my fah-ser. Prepare to die."
Once again, there's no one HERE, JEFF.
"Oh", he realizes.
Roberts lowers the sword.
ROBERTS: "Mee-ster Dee-mon, I am here because I fully expect your attack. We are-a not-a so diff-rent, you and I. You see...."
Roberts sits on a nearby rock.
ROBERTS: "When I was-a very small boy, my family come to Amer-ee-ca. The land of oppor-tunity they say. Very very poor man, my fah-ser. But ver-a proud. He was a brilliant sword maker. One day, a very tall American come in. He say he want a sword made for a ceremony in depths of hell. He have a young boy with him. Always a-strike me as strange that boy. He dress in all red, weeth little pointy peech-fork. I always think that-a bit odd for a boy my age. He probably get picked on, I think."
"Either way, my father, he agree."
"One day, the tall Amer-ee-can return. He want-a the sword, but at one-tenth the promised price. My father, he is a proud man. Obviously, he refuse. The tall American stab him through the heart."
Roberts gets slightly emotional, a tear forming in his eye as he looks wistfully into the distance. A whippoorwill calls in the distance.
"Now... I love my fah-ser. So, naturally I challenge hees keeler to a duel. I fail. The tall uniformed Amer-ee-can spare my life. But he leave me thees.... (Roberts gestures to his left cheek 'scar') ...and thees.. (Roberts gestures to the right one). The small boy, the one wearing all red with thee peech-fork... with the small peee-nis, he laugh at me. I always remember thees. I swear revenge."
"The tall Amer-ee-can die before I can have my vengeance, so I turn my attention to his son, the smirking young patriot in the coh-lors of your country. How surprise am I to see that you Dee-mon... are that very boy."
"I have wait for dees day for many years and now, in the first round of ULTRA-TITLE, I shall face you. I shall NOT fail. I shall stand face to face with the son of my fah-ser's keeeler, and I will say.... 'Ello. My name is Jeffrigo Robtoya. You keel my fah-ser. Prepare to die."
Roberts looks intensely into the camera.
A moment passes and Roberts' eyes glance off screen, then back. He mumbles the word "now". With nothing happening, he says again, this time louder, the word "NOW".
At this, another man "leaps" on-screen. It's Mojo Massey, EPW interviewer a-go-go, dressed like this:
MASSEY: "Do I really have to do this?? I mean, this is ridiculous."
Roberts drops all pretense for a moment.
ROBERTS: "Do you want me to throw you off of that god damned cliff, Massey?"
MASSEY: (stammering) "I really wish you wouldn't."
ROBERTS: "Then just do what you're told and say the lines."
MASSEY: (clearing his throat) "So um... you've done nothing since then but study swordplay?"
ROBERTS: (back in character) "More pursue than a-study really. I work for Fezzini to pay the bills. There is not a lot of money in the revenge bus-a-ness."
ROBERTS: "Nevermind. EN GARDE!!"
Roberts leaps into an attacking stance and a terrified Mojo Massey backs away.
MASSEY: "Roberts, what are you doing...."
ROBERTS: " 'Ello. My name is Jeffrigo Robtoya. You keel my fah-ser. Prepare to die."
MASSEY: "Wait, I thought you were s'posed to say that to Demon!!"
ROBERTS: (making two quick swipes in the air near Massey's face) " 'Ello. My name is Jeffrigo Robtoya. You keel my fah-ser. Prepare to die!!"
MASSEY: "But I don't even have my own sword!!!"
ROBERTS: (swiping two times more and thrusting at Massey's midsection, but missing) " 'ELLO!! MY NAME IS JEFFRIGO ROBTOYA!! YOU KEEL MY FAH-SER!! PREPARE...TO DIIIIIEEEEE!!"
MASSEY: "What are you doing?!?! I didn't agree to this!!"
ROBERTS: (smiling an empty, but almost giddy smile) "PRACTICE!!"
MASSEY: (running for his life) "GAHHHH!!!!"
Massey runs, ducking around behind rock formations, jumping up and over small boulders, all the while barely avoiding Roberts' sword. Roberts gives chase before finally cornering Massey against a rock embankment.
ROBERTS: "Offer me money!"
ROBERTS: "Offer me riches!!"
MASSEY: "What the hell are you talking about?!"
ROBERTS: "Offer me everything I could ever ask for and more!!"
MASSEY: (about to piss himself) "I don't even know what's going on here!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!"
ROBERTS: (leaning in, intensely) "I want my fah-ser back, you son of a b!tch."
Roberts thrusts the sword at Massey's chest as he screams in terror...
..only to find that this whole time the sword was a rubber prop, which, while mostly harmless, just caused a hell of a bruise on Massey's chest.
MASSEY: "AHHH!! DAMNIT THAT HURT!!"
Roberts steps back, nodding his head satisfied.
ROBERTS: "Yes, yes that'll do quite nicely."
MASSEY: "What was this... training for you???"
ROBERTS: (his sword pointed down in the ground, leaning on the hilt happily) "Something like that."
MASSEY: "So your plan is to stab Demon with a sword?"
ROBERTS: "My father must be avenged."
Despite this statement, Roberts is now speaking in his own voice, making it all the more odd.
MASSEY: "I thought that was just part of the production... with the accent and everything..."
ROBERTS: "Mojo, what on Earth are you talking about?"
MASSEY: "Demon's father did not kill your father."
ROBERTS: (leaning in and pointing his sword back at Mojo) "Are you calling me a liar???"
MASSEY: "Uhhhh.... No?"
ROBERTS: "Good. Dee-mon may think that staying quiet will cause me to go easy on him, but nothing soothes the deep fire of revenge. Nothing can lessen it's intense glow. I need only the harsh lessons of my childhood to provide for me the kindling to erupt that flame into a consuming, living force that will destroy him and propel me forward into the finals of the ULTRATITLE."
Roberts looks wistfully off into the distance. He waits, as if expecting something, then frowns.
A whippoorwill calls. Roberts gets wistful again.
ROBERTS: "Here Demon loses. I shall meet my destiny.Then it will be done."
MASSEY: "Was that a haiku?"
ROBERTS: "Do you think this is a big joke, Mojo Massey? Do you think I've gone to all this trouble just to amuse you?"
MASSEY: "Well... what have you gone to all this trouble for? I mean, you've only been talking about Demon, but what of the next few rounds? What if you have to face Ken Cloverleaf? Joe the Plumber?
ROBERTS: (shoulders slump, as if considering something new) "Joe the Plumber is an interesting case study. He has the pedigree, the attitude, the ability. He's a former World Champion and those titles do not come easy. It would be an honor to dissect a man such as that and see what makes him tick."
MASSEY: "I hope you mean that figuratively."
Roberts simply stares at Massey for a few moment, then smiles.
ROBERTS: "Of course."
MASSEY: "And Cloverleaf?"
ROBERTS: "I've heard people who have cast aspersions on the character of Ken Cloverleaf and I think that's a crime, an out and out crime. Ken Cloverleaf, although appearing to be a man such as you might find sweeping up leaves outside a garage, is a virile, physical, skilled fighting machine. If he should surpass his first round opponent, I have absolutely no doubt that he will give me the fight of my life."
MASSEY: "But have you prepared for them? I mean, as far as I can tell you've done all of this with me to get ready for Demon..."
Something clicks in Roberts' expression, and he suddenly raises his sword and seems a little more menacing. Mojo Massey catches on to this and stiffens up, starting to slide sideways on the rock face to find an escape.
MASSEY: "Hold on a second... I didn't mean now!"
ROBERTS: (stalking Massey) "But you're absolutely right, Mojo Massey. I must prepare for every eventuality..."
MASSEY: "But I'm not Joe the Plumber OR Ken Cloverleaf!!!"
ROBERTS: (ignoring Massey) "Plus... there's something you should know!!"
ROBERTS: (pausing a tossing the sword from his left to his right hand) "I am not left handed!!!"
MASSEY: (Roberts continues his approach and Massey hurriedly moves past) "AHHH!!"
With that, Mojo bursts into a full sprint.
ROBERTS: (giving chase and back in his Spanish accent) "You cannot escape-a me!! I will have-a my REVENGE!!!"
Roberts chases Massey off screen as we...