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Round 1: Joey Melton vs. Ethan Archer (j)


the EX-QUEEN of FW~!
Jan 1, 2000
Greensboro USA
(FADEIN: The green tint of night vision goggles coat the screen. The view pans left and right, but it’s out of focus.)

VOICE: You said these were auto focus. I can’t see ****.

VOICE: They are auto focus you moron. Here, let me see.

VOICE: Stop it, Adrian you’re gonna make me fall.

VOICE: Melton just giv--- (WHOOMP! Adrian Evans loses his balances and falls.)

VOICE: Wait, I got it! (The picture sharpens and we see inside a window of a house into the living room. The tv is on but the couch is empty. Melton pans right into another window.) There it is Adrian! (ZOOM! The scope loses focus again, but when it clears we see the ULTRATITLE in a glass enclosure. It’s a magnificent 4 foot trophy made of Gold and sugar and spice. Probably topped off with everything that’s nice to boot. The ULTRATITLE is lit by four spotlights.)

MELTON: There she is. She’s still beautiful after all these years. (The picture is engulfed by Adrian Evan’s pudgy little face. He’s not a happy man. He reaches to strangle Melton.) Adrian stand down! That’s an order! Whoaaaaaaaa.


EVANS: Here we go. (Evans rips the scope from Melton’s hands, after the ten foot fall from the big oak in the front yard, Joey broke his fall. Both men are dressed in all black, cat burglars in another life. He sits on the two-time ULTRATITLE winner’s chest, and looks through the view finder.)

(CUTTO: A large, Hispanic man dancing through the room. He’s wearing a red CSWA ANNIVERSARY bathrobe. The man dances carelessly, the robe clings on for dear life.)

EVANS: Oh heavens.

MELTON: I can’t move. Literally.

EVANS: Roberto is commando.

(CUTTO: Roberto Ortiz, aka EL Nino losing the bath robe and sliding across the room’s wooden floor ala Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.” El Nino was a CSWA legend years ago. Part of the legendary tag team, “CLAM – CRAZY LIKE A MUPPET.” He did what was asked by the company and made easy money in the process. Why he’s dancing nude on a Thursday night is anyone’s guess.)

MELTON: Now you know why he’s on the Girl Scout’s “Do Not Deliver” list.

EVANS: Who are you to talk you’re on there as well.

MELTON: No, I can’t buy candy from the volleyball team, there’s a difference.

EVANS: Right.

MELTON: Do we need to have the age of consent lesson again.

EVANS: No, no we don’t. I shouldn’t even be here Melton. If they find out I called in sick for – THIS. I could get fired.

MELTON: You’ll get fired eventually once they realize you’re embezzling thousands.

EVANS: Yes, but I’d like to prolong the inevitable for as long as I can, Melton.

MELTON: (pushes Evans off his chest) Get off me, it’s just like this fat bastard to upload the security video onto the internet. People already think I’m…well…

EVANS: You’re 49 and unmarried. You’re neat. And you moisturize more than most women I know. Yeah, the Melton is gay bandwagon left station a while ago, Hoss.

MELTON: I’m 48 (Melton dusts himself off) you cretin! Don’t age me.

EVANS: I’m sorry you’re a few months from being 49.

MELTON: And I look ten years younger. And feel – (Joey stretches his back.)

EVANS: Uh huh..go on.

MELTON: It’s not the years Adrian, it’s the mileage. Look, this is it. Just the mere thought of climbing into the ring right now with someone like Dan Ryan is enough to **** my pants.

EVANS: I thought that was you!

MELTON: It was a ten foot fall, and I told you I wanted to hit up the Barnes and Nobles bathroom before we came out here!

EVANS: Barnes and Nobles has been closed for eight months!

MELTON: Precisely! Help me to this window, fool.

(Evans and Melton walk gingerly to the nearest window.)

MELTON: Point is, this is it for me Adrian. I don’t have much left, but I need to believe I have enough.

EVANS: Have you see Ryan lately? He’s smuggling his HGH from Mexico now, it’s the untested **** that may double as a chemical weapon.

MELTON: I have to do this Adrian.

EVANS: Why? Why put the target on your back. Why not return Troy’s phone calls and let her make an honest woman out of you. Settle down, just enjoy your twilight years.

MELTON: If you say twilight years one more time..

EVANS: Too soon…

MELTON: I’m in deep enough with Lindsay. We’re sorta at a stage where things need to air out a bit.

EVANS: What’d you do now…

MELTON: Can we not discuss this whilst we’re trying to break in and enter? (Melton shoves a screw driver through the bottom of the window.) I want to leave with something Adrian. I want to leave this business remembered as the Joey Melton everybody loves.

EVANS: You’re banned in three countries and promotions stopped calling you a couple years ago…

MELTON: Wise ass. I want what’s mine! The ULTRATITLE is my baby. She’s a big part of my legacy. And I let it slip last time. I lost everything in pursuit of that trophy. Calvin Carlton, Momma Carlton’s bankroll, my last shot at glory, and…it was the beginning of the end for me and Lindsay. If I can win it again. I can leave this business with something most of us don’t get to have. Peace of mind.

EVANS: I understand.

MELTON: It won’t be easy, Adrian. Maybe it can’t even be done, but I need you in this with me. I –

EVANS: You have nobody else.

MELTON: Together. One last ride. You and me Adrian. Let’s shake the pillars of Hell. Melton and his half-man half-amazing will beat the odds and make history! (Melton sounds and looks downright giddy.) But first, I want to really get what’s mine back.

EVANS: (CUTTO – Adrian looking in at the ULTRATITLE) That’s YOUR ULTRATITLE title? The first one?

MELTON: Yes. I had a straight flush Adrian. The odds were, well I don’t know what they were but come on who loses with a straight flush?!

EVANS: Yet we’re here trying to take back your trophy.

(Melton bangs on the back of the screw driver. The window flies open.)

MELTON: Oh, thank you. (looks away from El Nino and back to Adrian) she’s been gone long enough. Wha---

(EL Nino grabs Melton by the collar.)

MELTON: No, Roberto I still haven’t lived down the Windham teab---

EL NINO: You lost her to me ten years ago Joseph!

EVANS: I’m gonna be sick…

MELTON: Nino, you card cheat – (POP!!)

(EL Nino pops Melton in the face with a right hand. He flies backwards into the arms of Adrian Evans.)

NINO: Seems like old times, senor! (Nino laughs and slams the window shut.)

MELTON: Tell me that’s the night vision scope poking into my back right now Adrian..

EVANS: That’s the night vision scope….

(Melton rolls to his feet. Its hell getting older.)

EVANS: You still have one trophy, the second you won… just… (beat) Oh, you didn’t.

MELTON: No, I didn’t. Troy did. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

EVANS: You’re hopeless, Melton.

MELTON: No, there’s one more chance. And this time, when I win it, I won’t let it go.

(A German Sheppard comes around the corner BARKING manically.)

(Evans and Melton take off running.)

EVANS: We’re off to an inauspicious start. Well done, mate.

MELTON: I only have to beat one man at a time. Right, Adrian?

(Adrian looks back at the dog gaining on him.)

EVANS: You bastard!

Last edited:


League Member
Dec 30, 2011
Vancouver, BC
[ooc: I know this doesn't count as Ethan is just a jobber, but I think it only fair that Joey Melton at least know who he's up against. I'll do the same for El Lobo Loco.]

Ethan Archer, the Hardcore Canadian Hipster Samurai sits on the patio of a crappy tourist bar in Whistler, BC. He is nursing a bottle of some local microbrew, generally lamenting 2006, the last time he was relevant.

Ethan Archer: So let me know when we're rolling.

Cameraman: (off-camera) Ethan, we're rolling.

EA: Yeah, say that.

Ethan takes another pull and scratches at his ironic hipster mustache.

Cameraman: (off-camera) We are rolling. Look, we've taken ten takes so far. Can you just focus?

EA: Who am I fighting again?

Cameraman: (off-camera) Joey Melton! How many times do I need to tell you that?

EA: We rolling?

Cameraman: (off-camera) YES!

EA: Geez Tyler, chillax.

Cameraman Whose Name is Apparently Tyler: (off-camera) You didn't just say that.

EA: Okay, okay okay. I can do this.

Ethan takes another drink, then ponders the bottle.

EA: "Honey Brown Lager." Heh. Sounds like a porn star name, am I right?

Cameraman: (off-camera) Can. You. Focus?

EA: Okay okay okay. Here goes.

Ethan clears his throat and tosses down the bottle. It fails to break in a satisfying smash noise.


Cameraman: (off-camera) Melton.

EA: I am calling you out! Too long you have reigned terror over the Ultratitle!

Cameraman: (off-camera) You gotta say it in all-caps. 'ULTRATITLE.'

EA: Yeah yeah. Joey, the s**t is about to hit the fan, and I am not your fan! Come Ultratitle, your a** is grass, and I have a medical prescription to smoke you!

Cameraman: (off-camera) Yeah. Brilliant stuff.

EA: We done?

Cameraman: (off-camera) Let's hope.



the EX-QUEEN of FW~!
Jan 1, 2000
Greensboro USA
(MUSIC CUEUP: - I would do anything for love – Meatloaf)

(CUTTO: A custom ‘80s green Honda motorcycle with a sidecar racing down a two-lane road. Its musky out, the road’s covered in leaves.)

(CUTTO: Chad Merritt ranting and raving to a group of policemen. When is he not raving about something? He shoves his finger in the chest of the lead detective.)

(CUTTO: A close-up of Joey Melton with a retro helmet and snoopy cycle goggles. Melton’s lips flare from the wind rushing to his face. He looks to his right and nods. In the side-car sits Adrian Evans. Aka Little Voltron. Evans sports matching helmet and eye gear. They also have matching bath towels and robes. There’s no law a man and his midget can’t be joined at the hip. Is there?)

And I would do anything for love,
I'd run right into hell and back,
I would do anything for love,
I'll never lie to you and that's a fact.

(CUTTO: A sketch artist drawing of the ULTRATITLE. The head detective holds the drawing for all the cops to see and motions to ‘round’em up’. )

(CUTTO: The bike racing towards a Gothic looking castle.)

(CUTTO: A convoy of police cars headed towards the scene.)

(CUTTO: Melton driving the bike into the Castle’s entrance.)

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now
- Oh no - no way - I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that, anything for love,
I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that.

(CUTTO: The cops arriving at the castle.)

(CUTTO: Melton in a black Monk’s robe with a hood pulled over his head tight, looking out a window at trouble arriving.)

(CUTTO: Police with flashlights, entering the castle.)

(CUTTO: Melton looking at his hands. They’re older. Sure he moisturizes, but he hasn’t slowed father time as much as he’d like. Damn Randalls and his buried alive treatment. Didn’t work at all. Why did Melton buy in? “Climb into an antique Native American coffin, Joey and lay under a pack of dirt for six hours.” And this is the man he has life insurance through as well.)

(CUTTO: Police looking for the stolen ULTRATITLE as Melton and Evans busts through on the bike.)

Some days it don't come easy,
Some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all,
And these are the days that never end.

(CUTTO: A deformed, hunchbacked Melton covered in shame runs awkwardly through a forest.)

(CUTTO: Lindsay Troy, in a golden bikini and golden high heels clutching her chest as she poses in a garden.)

(CUTTO: Melton, the grotesque farm boy watching through the threes. Baked beans and bits of yesterday stuck in his teeth. He wants his trophy. A bath at this point probably wouldn’t hurt.)

Some nights you breath fire,
Some nights your carved in ice,
Some nights your like nothing I've ever seen before, Or will again.

Maybe I'm crazy, But it's crazy and it's true,
I know you can save me, No one else can save me now but you.

(CUTTO: Close-up of Troy, her body stained with beads of water. She pulls seductively on a necklace, the center piece of which is a diamond copy of the UTLRATITLE.)

(CUTTO: Melton leaning in through the trees to get a better look.)

(CUTTO: Between Melton’s knees Adrian Evans looks on as well. Melton swats at him. Evans fights back.)

(CUTTO: The commotion causing Troy to drop the necklace.)

As long as the planets are turning,
As long as the stars are burning,
As long as your dreams are coming true - You better believe it! -

That I would do anything for love,
And I'll be there until the final act -
I would do anything for love!
And I'll take a Vow and Seal a pact –

(CUTTO: Melton frightened over being discovered, running from the scene.)

(CUTTO: Lindsay grabbing the ULTRATITLE necklace and chasing after Melton.)

(CUTTO: Back and forth shots of the two racing through the forest.)

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way - Tonight -
I would do anything for love!
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that...

I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of,
But I just wont do that...

(CUTTO: Melton, old and deformed, inside the castle sitting in a giant chair draped in velvet. He’s surrounded by lit candles, a hundred of them.)

(CUTTO: Melton staring into a golden saucer. He clasps it with two hands.)

(CUTTO: The reflection of the wine in the saucer showing Melton hoisting the UT after winning it the first time.)

(CUTTO: Hillside at night, dense fog rolling in from the moors. Lindsay in a golden silk dress, running down the hillside.)

(CUTTO: Melton in the chair singing.)

Some days I pray for Silence,
Some days I pray for Soul,
Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N' Roll.

Some nights I lose the feeling,
Some nights I lose control,
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls.

(CUTTO: Troy in front of the castle hugging the limb of a big oak tree. She looks lovingly at the castle, then stops and turns in horror as she realizes Adrian is stuck in the tree, hand in his pants.)

(CUTTO: Lindsay runs to the castle.)

(CUTTO: Melton drinking from the saucer.)

(CUTTO: Lindsay walking it the castle, looking around for Joey.)

(CUTTO: The chair spinning around the room with Melton in it singing.)

(CUTTO: Troy walks in by the chair, but Melton isn’t there.)

(CUTTO: Melton singing and staring at a wall of mirrors, each one showing different stages of his life.)

Maybe I'm lonely, And that's all I'm qualified to be,
There's just one and only, The one and only promise I can keep.

As long as the wheels are turning,
As long as the fires are burning,
As long as your prayers are coming true - You better believe it - !

(CUTTO: Troy bathing nude in a bathtub outlined by candlelight.)

(CUTTO: Melton staring in the reflections.)

(CUTTO: Lindsay doing scissor kicks in the tub.)

(CUTTO: Outside the castle. Police tape hung around the scene, an angry Merritt motions inside.)

(CUTTO: Troy on a giant bed, wrapped in white sheets.)

That I would do anything for love!
And you know it's true and that's a fact,
I would do anything for love!
And there'll never be no turning back -

But I'll never do it better than I do it with you,
So long - So long - I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that!

(CUTTO: Melton in chair watching Troy lay on the bed.)

(CUTTO: Troy making out with the ULTRATITLE trophy. Melton can scarcely contain himself.)

(CUTTO: Melton jumping on the bed, pushing Lindsay aside and hugging the trophy.)

(CUTTO: Melton looking at his reflections in the wall of mirrors and getting angry and what’s come and lost. He starts smashing the mirrors with a crowbar.)

(CUTTO: Melton walking down a hallway. Troy peaks around the corner and follows.)

(CUTTO: Troy runs into a bedroom where Joey sits at a piano playing tenderly. Troy approaches a unicorn and kisses its cheek.)

I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of,
But I just wont do that...

But I'll never stop dreaming of you
Everynight of my life - No Way -

I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that!

(CUTTO: Troy sits on the bed, and looks at Melton lovingly.)

(CUTTO: Melton reaching back for that something extra as the bed raises ten feet in the air.)

(CUTTO: Troy suspended on a bed in the air, looks helpless, but then what the hell, buys it and starts to sing.)

Troy : Will you raise me up?
Will you help me down?
Will you make sure Deacon stops asking if I want to fool around?
Will you tell Troy Windham he’s an assssss clown?

Melton : I can do that!
I can do that!

(CUTTO: Candles blowing out as the cops rush in.)

Troy : Will you forget about Ivy ****ing another man?
will you let Adrian Evans have the last laugh?
Can you show Calvin and Blaine it’s not about seeing the world in black or white?
Can you make yourself seem a little less old?

Melton : I can do that!
I can do that!

(CUTTO: Mirror balls and glass shatter. Troy and Joey look around and take off running.)

Troy : Will you make some magic with a mic in your hands?
Can you build another ULTRATITLE dream with these grains of sand?
Can you promise me when you win you’ll come back home?

Melton : I can do that!
I can do that!

Troy : Will you cater to every fantasy that I've got?
Will ya hose Joe the Plumber down with holy water – when his promos get too hot - ?
Will you call The Phantom Republican and tell him it’s okay to love another man?

Melton : I can do that!
I can do that!

(CUTTO: Melton and Troy in a corner as the Cops break into the room. Joey shields his face from Lindsay. He’s old and hideous. Look away, Troy look away. She softly grabs his hands and pulls them away as they sing to each other. She stares in his eyes. Suddenly the years melt away. Melton looks stunning again.)

Troy : After a while you'll forget everything,
You’ll job to the muffin man, or some new piece of ****
And you'll see that you should have never come back.

Melton : I wont do that!
I wont do that!

Troy : I know the territory - I've been around,
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down,
And sooner or later you'll be screwing around.

Melton : I wont do that!
I wont do that!

(CUTTO: Cops find the ULTRATITLE necklace.)

(CUTTO: Spotlight on Melton, singing.)

(CUTTO: They kiss and then disappear as the cops approach.)

Anything for love, I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that.

(CUTTO: Melton and Troy riding off in the bike/sidecar at sunrise.)

(CUTTO: Adrian Evans in handcuffs, hands behind his back, yelling obscenities at the pair.)


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