(FADEIN to a makeshift talk show set inside the gym owned by Boogie Smallz. A red curtain poses as the backdrop. A small two person kitchen table and barstools are setup for the host and the guest. Boogie’s cousin, Ray Ray, is handling the behind the scenes production. He has a floor lamp in his hands, using it as a spotlight. The light is doing the figure-eight motions on the red curtain.
On the side of the camera shot and out of view, Smallz is acting as the announcer about to introduce himself.)
BOOGIE SMALLZ: (In a professional announcer’s voice.) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the pilot episode of a new talk show on ESEN….It’s a Smallz World! And now, without further ado, please give a warm round of applause for BOOOGIIIEEE SMALLLZZZ!
(Ray Ray hits a button on an old late 1980’s dual-cassette tape boombox. The sound of a crowd cheering can be heard. Boogie walks into the camera shot and the makeshift spotlight is shinning on him. Smallz is wearing a blue sports coat over a black t-shirt and black jeans. He waves to the “audience” and takes a seat in a barstool behind the table. Ray Ray stops the applause tape and the camera gives a tight shot of Boogie from the waist up.)
It’s great to be here tonight! Yes indeed. Guess this is the time for a little openin’ monologue? Alright then. (Clears throat.) Hey folks…what’s the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns twelve. OH SNAP! Alright alright. What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus! OH YEAH! Some of you guys out there know what I’m talkin’ about.
Who writes this stuff? Ray Ray, was it you? Well…the opening didn’t go too well. Let me shift topics.
The ULTRATITLE. Lots of talk about the tournament. Major upsets, a lucky loser, and tons of controversy. Me, I don’t think any of that applies to me…unless you count me being on the receiving end of a racial slur. But hey…I dealt with that ish and I’m still standin’. What happened to Eastwood? I don’t think anyone really cares.
My next opponent, well…I don’t think many people out there care about him either. His name is Jesse Ramey and he comes to us out of ACW. And he goes by the nickname of “The Resurrected Anti-Star”.
An Anti-Star. What does that really mean? Some could say it means that that particular individual shies away from the spotlight and doesn’t want to be noticed for his or her efforts. Others may see it as a stamp of shame because he or she doesn’t have the goods to get the job done…to be a superstar and all of what that entails. Television ratings, merchandise sales, pay per view buy rates, all of the measuring sticks that companies use to quantify the worth of their talent.
Which one are you, Ramey? Which definition of the term best fits your mindset?
My opinion…it’s the latter. You come out on ESEN television and have zero charisma. You are obviously rundown. A man at the end of his rope. A man who should take the end of that rope…make a noose, and end your existence. You bring absolutely nothing to the table.
Mark McNasty damn near sent you packin’ in Round One. After watching the match again, you barely escaped with a win. But in fairness to you, you did win. Unfortunately though, that will be your ONLY WIN in the ULTRATITLE tournament!
It’s disappointing. And now I see why you have waddled in mediocrity for so long. You don’t have the passion or the desire to be the best. You aren’t serious about the ULTRATITLE. So why exactly are you here? You just want to be another statistic? Helpin’ me pad my stats so I can move on to the next round and chalk-up an impressive resume on the way? It’s just sad…damn near depressing.
So I have decided to take it upon myself to bring Jesse Ramey out here, at my personal expense, so he can confront me on my talk show.
(Some noises are occurring off camera, as “Jesse” makes his way to the set. The camera zooms out to reveal the guest sitting on the stool next to Boogie. It is a blowup doll with long black haired wig on and a Jesse Ramey t-shirt on.)
Jesse…so glad you could make it. I know we have had some heated words as of late. You have really said a mouthful.
(Close-up shot of the “O” shaped mouth on the doll, then back to a full shot of the two on the set.)
BOOGIE: Easy…easy. Let’s not start a fight out here. We can try to be civilized. I will admit that I said some pretty hurtful things about you recently. Attacking your character, your motivation…or lack there of. What do you have to say about that?
BOOGIE: Look…don’t raise your voice. We can discuss this as rational human beings. I want your voice to be heard. You have been pretty quiet about our match and I figured that maybe it was out of anger. I am giving you this platform to explain your side of the story. Come on now…this has got to be eating at you. What say you?
BOOGIE: The silent treatment, huh? My wife does the same thing to me when I forget to take out the trash or forget to pick little Boogie Jr. up from school. You wanna act like that? Well…I guess this is just a waste of time. Thanks for coming out tonight and gracin’ us with your presence. A lot of people think you will be successful in our match, but I really don’t see how. You come out on my show; insult me and the fine folks watching this on ESEN. I mean…come on. You gotta want to say somethin’ in your defense. Maybe say thanks to your fans, both of them, that are tuned in tonight watchin’ your guest appearance on my show…It’s A Smallz World!
BOOGIE: Well, I guess we will agree to disagree. I’d like to thank you for showin’ up and certainly hope that you won’t suffer from embarrassment and not show up for our match in Round Two of the ULTRATITLE tournament. Now…get the kcuf off my set!
(Boogie slaps the face of the blowup doll. It slumps over and falls to the floor.)
That’s all the time we have here tonight. I hope the ESEN execs like the show and want to see more of it. Fans, you can vote in the online poll and let your voices be heard. I’d like to thank my producer, Ray Ray, for all of his hard work. And also remind all of you to tune in to the next round of the ULTRATITLE tournament…exclusively on this station next week. Play us out, Ray Ray.
(Ray Ray clicks on the 2nd tape deck and the song “Black Superman” by Above The Law begins to play. Boogie stands up out of his stool, walks over to the “Jesse” blowup doll, picks it up, slaps it in the face, and then punts it out of the camera’s view. FADE TO BLACK)