Re: I've Heard This Story Before....
[FADEIN: Mikey, shirtless, sitting on a toilet, scratching his beard and kinda-shaven scalp. Thankfully, the camera is only showing his belly button and up, so we do not see his buttocks or thigh muscles clench. We do, however, hear a couple noises that may or may not have originated inside of him. He is reading the Wall Street Journal, but after a few seconds, tosses it to the ground, and picks up an old PWI from 2002. And on the cover… “The Blade” Kendall Codine. The screen goes black as we hear Mikey reaching for toilet paper, and a less-than-ideal amount of time later, the screen goes back on. Mikey continues to read. A moment later, his cell phone rings. Mikey looks down. His camera is on his whitey tighteys, between his ankles. Reluctantly, he reaches down and presses Receive, then Speaker.]
MIKEY MASSACRE: Hold on, Rob, I can’t remember which hand I wiped with. Don’t want to pick my phone up ‘til I wash.
ROB MARTINEZ: What?
MIKEY MASSACRE: Hold on, just let me think for a second. I’m ambidextrous, and never remember.
ROB MARTINEZ: Mikey… I’m pretty sure everyone just uses whichever hand can more easily get the paper. It’s not a lefty/right thing.
MIKEY MASSACRE: Are you sure? I don’t think I do. I switch it up. Dammit, I can’t remember!
ROB MARTINEZ: Your memory is that bad?
MIKEY MASSACRE: ****, I’ll just risk it.
ROB MARTINEZ: You used to wrestle Manny X while both of you were bleeding all over the place… and you’re worried about this?
MIKEY MASSACRE: You’re right.
ROB MARTINEZ: I don’t think anyone ever tested Manny in those days.
MIKEY MASSACRE: (putting the phone to his ear and pulling his pants up) Hey, speaking of tests… the reason I called, CSWA wants to give me the standard physical and tests, then want to discuss a contract!
ROB MARTINEZ: Wow, Mikey, really? This is something you’ve always dreamt of.
MIKEY MASSACRE: Yeah, no ****, right? But, listen, let me call you a little later. Want to get out of this bathroom before TONY’s wife gets home and knows I was in here. They don’t like me using their bathroom, but this one is so much nicer.
[A door closing elsewhere in the house is heard.]
MIKEY MASSACRE: Gotta go!
[CUTTO: Mikey pacing in the unrenovated basement he occupies, talking to himself. On a distant wall, we see the entire ULTRATITLE bracket painted with various names crossed out. Codine, Kiyomori, and Smallz's names are circled. A woman at the top of the stairs can be heard yelling for him, but he’s ignoring her, and continuing to talk to himself. After a few moments of this, he turns to the camera.]
MIKEY MASSACRE: Codine, I wholeheartedly apologize for acting excited in my last promo. But don’t you mistake that excitement for evidence that you’ve somehow wormed your way into my head. No, no, you see, that’s not why I was excited. I was excited because this tournament has my blood pumping. Being able to compete with people like you in front of more fans than ever before in my life—that is why I am excited! So if I YELL!, or em-pha-size certain syllables, please excuse me!
Now, Codine, let’s talk stolen clichés. As you mentioned, it is a serious problem in our sport. Athletes ripping off movies, television shows, historical icons. It’s preposterous!
So, please, cease and desist with this silly cigar-smoking man.
Most wrestling fans are nerds, and most nerds watched the X-Files, so do yourself a favor, do all of us a favor, and stop being a hypocrite.
Onto The Wrestler. Honestly, buddy, did you see it? Sure, it’s about a veteran professional wrestler, so you got me there, but it was about a guy who was at the top and led a steady downfall for two decades. Mikey Massacre, on the other hand, has just hit his peak, has never been to the top of the mountain, and has therefore never tumbled down it. But, I must ask, how am I closer to Randy the Ram than you? You’re the one spitting all this nonsense about having nothing left to lose (cough) cliché (cough.)
But, you see, I would never make that comparison. Um, dude, it’s a movie about professional wrestling, and a fairly realistic one at that. Of course there are similarities. What a stupid thing to say. Is it because I have no choice but to earn crap money in crap bars? Well, pal, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of dudes just like me, doing the same thing. And it isn’t because we watched The Wrestler; it’s because this industry is ****ing tough, and there isn’t enough money to go around.
So stop with the cheap, thoughtless crap. The fans are smarter than that, and frankly, so are you. You whine about me choosing whether to be modest or boastful. What the **** are you talking about? I’m neither modest nor boastful. I just state the facts. And that’s what I did a few days ago when I said I lost to Lisa Seldon, but on two other nights, had solid victories over established dudes. And, yes, it’s true, they weren’t in pure form those nights, but nevertheless, I won, and that is what counts. Where’s the modesty? Where’s the boastfulness?
That same honesty is why you think I am playing the pity card. Dude, each and every one of the people in this tournament—all 128 of them—have welcomed ULTRATITLE camera into their lives, into their homes, and in some cases, into their buddy and his wife’s bathroom. How is mine any different? You’re the one icing your knee on camera, talking about your son propping you up, crying about how no one knows you have nothing left to lose.
This all leaves me to wonder, Codine, when you say I stole my **** from The Wrestler, when you say I am simultaneously modest and boastful, when you say I am playing the pity card… are you looking at me?
Or are you looking in the mirror?
[The camera pans over to the wall where a mirror is hanging. Mikey turns and punches it, smashing it. He turns to the camera, glass protruding out of his fist. He looks down at it, and smiles sadistically.]
TONY’S WIFE: (off camera, yelling down the stairs) Mikey! You worthless asshole! Not only did you **** in my ****ing toilet, but you forget to flush. AND WHERE THE **** IS MY MIRROR?