The Rage in a Cage~!
We're standing by, Empire Pro backdrop, Kenny Lombardo and JA, with Lollipop in the background as always.
KL: Alright, we're here with one of the competitors in the Number One Contenders Match for the Empire Pro World Heavyweight Championship, JA. Now, before we talk about that, I'd like to congratulate you on your victory over Christian Sands from Aggression.
JA: Well Mr. Barbie, I'm flattered. Of course, I wanted to go in and take one-half of the Empire Tag Titles, but I guess they didn't wanna break the team up just yet. That's fine, I mean, when I was teaming with Beast in A1E, I wouldn't have wanted... you know, that's a bad example. How about when I was... you know what Ken, I've just realized something.
KL: What's that?
JA: I'm really not the kind of guy you'd actually want on a tag team.
KL: That's... interesting.
JA: Yeah, it is. But I do know one thing, Trickysong, Christian Sands of Time, whatever you want to be called, whenever you want a rematch, you know what to do.
KL: What's that?
JA: What do you mean?
KL: I mean, what should he do if he wants a rematch?
JA: Well, you ain't Christian Sands, are you?
KL: No, but I'd still like to know.
JA: Well, if you must, he can just leave a message on my voice mail.
KL: Really?
JA: No, he should shine the Batsignal in the sky, especially if the Joker's around... yes, really.
KL: Oh... well then, now onto current business. You're in good position to walk out of Houston the number one contender to the Empire Pro Championship. How does that feel?
JA: Well, Kenzo, I'd like to stand up here and say I feel gaaahhrreeat!, but really, that's what you all would expect me to say. Big, up and comer beats one of the fed's iconic members and gets rewarded with an opportunity of a lifetime, to get one of two guys who've just beaten on each other in a steel cage, one of whom has a bum knee, and then get easy pickings en route to the rematch of the century with a huge former rival from the past, right?
KL: Yeah, that's it in a nutshell.
JA: Yeah, well, as much as I'd like to buy into my own hype here, I know that things of this nature never really pan out like they're supposed to. Really, if I were to stand up here and proclaim I have this match won before it even happened, what good would that do? I'd probably get knocked off.
KL: Wha? This isn't the cocksure JA I'm used to. You're saying you don't think you're going to win?
JA: Now Kenny, where did I say that? Don't be stupid, kiddo. I'm not saying I'm going to lose here. I'm just saying that despite all the advantages I know I have, I'm going to have to work just as hard to win as if I was facing Shawn Hart or Star of David all by themselves. Don't ever mistake that.
KL: Well, speaking of the man formerly known as Shawn Hart, Steve Savoy is a crafty veteran on this circuit. What do you think if you have to face him?
JA: Well, Shawn Jessica Hart, former cross-dresser, I think I ought to be scared if I face him... or is it her?
KL: I think the five-o'clock shadow indicates that he's a he.
JA: ...right. Anyway, Shawn Jessica Hart, former cross-dresser... he's made a lot of waves, former Champion a whole mess of places, sneaky and opportunistic, looks good in a tube top and tennis skirt, yadda yadda yadda. Right, I've heard all the platitudes, I've heard all the bullsh*t, and yeah, I know what I'm getting into.
Then again, I also know that he's still in a little identity crisis mode. The name Shawn Hart still looms a bit large over his new ring name. I guess he wants us to take him a little more seriously now. Or maybe that's not the case, maybe "Savoy" is a little more feminine sounding for his liking.
Regardless, I know what it's like to have to change your image. It's pretty tough, especially when you're trying to get into the World Title picture. I think that he ought to keep trying to find himself, especially seeing that if Zarathrusta didn't have the bum knee thanks to whoever that is masquerading around like it's Halloween all year, he'd have been on the other end of that decision last week.
KL: I can only assume that Zarathrusta is Cross... and speaking of him, what if he happens to win in the cage?
JA: Ah, Hare Krishna, the religious man... we don't have a lot in common. He believes in going to church on Sunday, and the only time I say the word "God" on the Sabbath is when me and Lolli are in bed.
Lolli: Hehe.
KL: TMI...
JA: Hey, that's what they pay me for. That and wrestling. Anyway, he only drinks wine at communion, I prefer beer every day of the week. But, we do have something in common.
Neither one of us got the respect in A1E that we really deserved. I could go on for hours, but I don't think anyone needs to hear it. And as for Big Daddy Buddha, sure, he won the title, something I can't ever say I came close to, but when you hear the names of great A1E Champions, it's always Housefly, Euclid, Big Dog, Hyde... never Cross. Well, the both of us are now here, and I'd say, we've both gotten the treatment we deserve from Ryan and Freeman, wouldn't you say?
Lombardo nods
JA: That treatment has brought us to this plateau, to the doorstep of the top spot in this company. It should be a time of great pride for the both of us, but it isn't, because of this Halloweenie who keeps running around and Pearl Harboring the poor guy at every chance. Well, that concerns me too. I for one, wouldn't want to get my chance at the gold just because some douche in a party mask has a personal vendetta, nor do I want this Rocky Horror Picture Show reject taking any shots at me. So, I make this offer to Martin Luther over here. I will watch his back and make sure that no freaks or geeks in Scream masks take him out.
However... that's where it stops. I will make no promises if he happens to get by Sweetcheeks in the cage. I won't guarantee I won't take a shot at that bum knee. I won't promise not to do anything in my power to win. I'd like to think of myself as a good guy, but God dammit, I'm not going to put my shot at immortality on hold once that bell rings.
KL: Well, those are some strong words from the Anglo Luchador. Thanks for your time.
JA: The pleasure was all yours, Ken-Ken
KL: Alright, now for this word from Colon Blow Bran Cereal...
The screen fades to the Empire Pro logo.