eating faces
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NOVA'S FUNK CABIN ON THE FUNK LANK IN THE FUNK MOUNTAINS
INT. NIGHT. OR SOME SH*T.
NOVA sits all by his lonesome, feeling a bit depressed. The
NFW camera crew documents his woes as he begins smoking a
blunt.
NOVA
The Kid is gone. Lindz isn't here,
and she's got her own problems.
Eli's retired. I have to face the
reality of my isolation, and…
BOOOOOOM! The sound of a thunderous clap knocks Nova
backwards in his seat and nearly sends the crew to the
ground. The cameras turn to catch the front door to Nova's
cabin completely obliterated. Debris lays littered all across
his living room while smoke begins to permeate throughout.
Nova waves the plumes away from his face as he attempts to
decipher the madness.
NOVA (CONT'D)
What the...?
He should have known.
Stepping through the burnt remains of what was the front
door, THE ILLUSTRIOUS FACE-EATER stands before Nova.
NOVA (CONT'D)
Facey?
I.F.E.
COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
With that, Facey extends a hand to Nova, offering a place at
his side. Nova is hesitant to take the hand, particularly
because the entire situation has taken him aback.
In the world of pro-wrestling, it isn't a strange sight to
see a grown man in a mask, cape and something comparable to
spandex pajamas. But here stands the Face-Eater, holding two
SMG-esque firearms, bandoliers of bullets placed around his
shoulders, and A F*CKING BABY strapped to his chest.
Yes. A baby. In a cute lil NC blue baby Bjorn. He's napping
peacefully.
NOVA
Why is that thing on your chest?
I.F.E.
THERE'S NO TIME, MAN! We've got to
make like hay and blast the f*ck
off this rock before they find us!
NOVA
"They" who? What are you talki-
I.F.E.
WHAT YEAR IS IT?!
NOVA
I'm sorry?
I.F.E.
WHAT F*CKING YEAR IS IT?
Facey shoves one gun in Nova's face, causing him to cower
slightly.
NOVA
2008! F*ck, man!
Facey takes a step back, his eyes wide in shock.
I.F.E.
Then there's still time...
NOVA
Time for what? You just blew a hole
through my f*cking front door-
I.F.E.
SHHHHH! You'll wake the f*cking
baby! And then you'll be up
sh*tcreek, literally, because he
f*cking smells and I vowed on the
day that I got married that I'd
never change a god damn baby.
NOVA
Dude, I thought I told you to stop
blazing with those Puerto Ricans.
You know you're out of your mind
faster than Smokey in Deebo's
pidgeon coop.
I.F.E.
Stop ranting! I rant! MEMEME.
NOVA
Then rant about why you blew up my
house!
I.F.E.
I DID NOT BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!
Suddenly, another large BOOOOM! is heard - a bit further in
the wooded distance - and shakes the house slightly.
I.F.E. (CONT'D)
F*ck! I'm too late! They're already
here...
NOVA
WHO IS HERE?
I.F.E.
Listen, man, you need to do EXACTLY
as I say if you want to stay alive.
We have to figure out a way to
escape and get these mother f*ckers
off of our tracks if we are gonna
have any chance of making it
through the morning.
NOVA
I don't like how you've ignored,
like, all of my questions.
I.F.E.
THEY AREN'T IMPORTANT.
NOVA
All things considered, I'd say
things like "why you blew down my
front door" and "who is after us"
and "why the f*ck is that baby
strapped to your chest" are the
most important questions.
I.F.E.
GOD DAMMIT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOTTA GO
AND PUT SH*T INTO PERSPECTIVE ALL
LOGICALLY AND SH*T. Okay, FIRST OF
ALL, I've been spending the last
few years bouncing around the last
few thousand years, all Quantum
Leap style and sh*t.
NOVA
You mean time-traveling and fixing
broken streams in different
dimensions in order to right the
wrongs of the universe?
I.F.E.
Exactly like that, but completely
the opposite.
KA-BOOM! BANG! ZAP!
Suddenly, the house is overtaken with more explosions, the
surrounding structure with holes throughout. Nova looks on in
horror as his house begins crumbling under the attack.
NOVA
What the F*CK?
I.F.E.
It's Colapsis the UnFunky! He won't
stop until he kills the baby... or
the two of us! We have to get out
of here or the prophecy will never
be fulfilled! We must return the
baby to the time it came from.
NOVA
Jesus H. Christ, Face. I JUST WENT
on one of these god damnHoly Grail
quests and fired my entire
entourage because of it. I'M NOT
DOING IT AGAIN.
I.F.E.
DO YOU WANT TO GO ON TO HOLD THE
NFW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP FOR A
RECORD 787 DAYS AND THEN REGAIN IT
A RECORD THIRTEEN MORE TIMES? AS
WELL AS GO ON TO BECOME THE BEST
WRESTLER IN NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING
HISTORY?
NOVA
Um... I do that? In the future?
I.F.E.
ONLY IF YOU DO EXACTLY AS I SAY.
TO BE CONTINUED!
INT. NIGHT. OR SOME SH*T.
NOVA sits all by his lonesome, feeling a bit depressed. The
NFW camera crew documents his woes as he begins smoking a
blunt.
NOVA
The Kid is gone. Lindz isn't here,
and she's got her own problems.
Eli's retired. I have to face the
reality of my isolation, and…
BOOOOOOM! The sound of a thunderous clap knocks Nova
backwards in his seat and nearly sends the crew to the
ground. The cameras turn to catch the front door to Nova's
cabin completely obliterated. Debris lays littered all across
his living room while smoke begins to permeate throughout.
Nova waves the plumes away from his face as he attempts to
decipher the madness.
NOVA (CONT'D)
What the...?
He should have known.
Stepping through the burnt remains of what was the front
door, THE ILLUSTRIOUS FACE-EATER stands before Nova.
NOVA (CONT'D)
Facey?
I.F.E.
COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
With that, Facey extends a hand to Nova, offering a place at
his side. Nova is hesitant to take the hand, particularly
because the entire situation has taken him aback.
In the world of pro-wrestling, it isn't a strange sight to
see a grown man in a mask, cape and something comparable to
spandex pajamas. But here stands the Face-Eater, holding two
SMG-esque firearms, bandoliers of bullets placed around his
shoulders, and A F*CKING BABY strapped to his chest.
Yes. A baby. In a cute lil NC blue baby Bjorn. He's napping
peacefully.
NOVA
Why is that thing on your chest?
I.F.E.
THERE'S NO TIME, MAN! We've got to
make like hay and blast the f*ck
off this rock before they find us!
NOVA
"They" who? What are you talki-
I.F.E.
WHAT YEAR IS IT?!
NOVA
I'm sorry?
I.F.E.
WHAT F*CKING YEAR IS IT?
Facey shoves one gun in Nova's face, causing him to cower
slightly.
NOVA
2008! F*ck, man!
Facey takes a step back, his eyes wide in shock.
I.F.E.
Then there's still time...
NOVA
Time for what? You just blew a hole
through my f*cking front door-
I.F.E.
SHHHHH! You'll wake the f*cking
baby! And then you'll be up
sh*tcreek, literally, because he
f*cking smells and I vowed on the
day that I got married that I'd
never change a god damn baby.
NOVA
Dude, I thought I told you to stop
blazing with those Puerto Ricans.
You know you're out of your mind
faster than Smokey in Deebo's
pidgeon coop.
I.F.E.
Stop ranting! I rant! MEMEME.
NOVA
Then rant about why you blew up my
house!
I.F.E.
I DID NOT BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!
Suddenly, another large BOOOOM! is heard - a bit further in
the wooded distance - and shakes the house slightly.
I.F.E. (CONT'D)
F*ck! I'm too late! They're already
here...
NOVA
WHO IS HERE?
I.F.E.
Listen, man, you need to do EXACTLY
as I say if you want to stay alive.
We have to figure out a way to
escape and get these mother f*ckers
off of our tracks if we are gonna
have any chance of making it
through the morning.
NOVA
I don't like how you've ignored,
like, all of my questions.
I.F.E.
THEY AREN'T IMPORTANT.
NOVA
All things considered, I'd say
things like "why you blew down my
front door" and "who is after us"
and "why the f*ck is that baby
strapped to your chest" are the
most important questions.
I.F.E.
GOD DAMMIT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOTTA GO
AND PUT SH*T INTO PERSPECTIVE ALL
LOGICALLY AND SH*T. Okay, FIRST OF
ALL, I've been spending the last
few years bouncing around the last
few thousand years, all Quantum
Leap style and sh*t.
NOVA
You mean time-traveling and fixing
broken streams in different
dimensions in order to right the
wrongs of the universe?
I.F.E.
Exactly like that, but completely
the opposite.
KA-BOOM! BANG! ZAP!
Suddenly, the house is overtaken with more explosions, the
surrounding structure with holes throughout. Nova looks on in
horror as his house begins crumbling under the attack.
NOVA
What the F*CK?
I.F.E.
It's Colapsis the UnFunky! He won't
stop until he kills the baby... or
the two of us! We have to get out
of here or the prophecy will never
be fulfilled! We must return the
baby to the time it came from.
NOVA
Jesus H. Christ, Face. I JUST WENT
on one of these god damnHoly Grail
quests and fired my entire
entourage because of it. I'M NOT
DOING IT AGAIN.
I.F.E.
DO YOU WANT TO GO ON TO HOLD THE
NFW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP FOR A
RECORD 787 DAYS AND THEN REGAIN IT
A RECORD THIRTEEN MORE TIMES? AS
WELL AS GO ON TO BECOME THE BEST
WRESTLER IN NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING
HISTORY?
NOVA
Um... I do that? In the future?
I.F.E.
ONLY IF YOU DO EXACTLY AS I SAY.
TO BE CONTINUED!