(FADE IN to Boogie Smallz sitting in his living room, in a black leather couch. He is sporting a Karl Kani t-shirt and jeans. He’s got his hair in braids and is puffing on what looks to be a cigar.)
BOOGIE SMALLZ: How ya like me now? I told the World last week that wasn’t nobody holdin’ me back from goin’ ALL OUT in my GX-Dub debut. Mr. One Time, Jingleheimershmidt, thought that he was just so great…thought he was flawless…thought his s(BLEEP) didn’t stink. But what happened when you underestimated Boogeezey (boo-gee-zee)? You lost…just like a bunch of punk ass TRISCUITS are gonna end up doin’ in the long run, when they cross paths with me! Baffles…you want anotha’ match with me, by all means, step the f(BLEEP) up…to get knocked the f(BLEEP) out! For a guy that has a lot of titles on his resume’…you sure didn’t show me s(BLEEP) last week! I saw that last promo you did…the way you looked into that horse’s eyes…I could have sworn it was love. (Laughs at his joke and takes a nonchalant puff of his blunt.) I’m just kiddin’ wit’ ya’…you really are a top-notch talent. (Pauses) SIKE!(Grins)
I feel that I brought some folks togetha’ last week at Onslaught. Maybe somethin’ about it inspired me to get a new lease on life. I have made some big decisions. (Takes his blunt and mashes it into an ashtray.) I just want you guys to know. I’m gonna quit smokin’ weed. It’s just not me. It makes me do things I don’t like and just like the PIG said last week…someone has to watch out for the kids. (Pauses) SIKE!(Smiles and then goes straight-faced again.) Man, don’t y’all know? I’m futhamuckin’ Popeye…and this is my spinach! (Pulls up ashtray filled with blunt roaches.)
Nah, really…in all truthfulness, I looked forward to going out there and giving it my all against the Shockmaster. I know he means all business and that he is gonna give me a run for my money. Man, if the situation was different…I would think we could hang. Ya know, really bond and be a tight clique in the back. So let’s squash all this! Let’s go to the bookers and demand they give us new opponents…because thinking about it…I don’t think I can fight you...SIKE!(Laughs) You knew it was comin’…ya had ta’!
I’m gonna cut out all the “SIKES”…including the one they got me matched up with at Onslaught! Two Jacob’s in a row…what are the odds? Don’t matter, cuz reason being is…his ass is gonna get beat just like the last one! You call yourself the Shockmaster? What have you done that was worth a damn? What sort of “shocks” have you given the wrestling world? I’m guessin’ NONE…but boy, I’m gonna give you that opportunity. Shock ME…do what I don’t think anyone else can do in GXW…beat Boogie Smallz! It won’t happen. The only time I’m on MY BACK is when I’m bench pressin’ or f(BLEEP)in’ b!+ches! BELIEVE ‘DAT!
(Boogie reaches into the ashtray on the table and relights a half-smoked blunt. He takes a few good hits and gets it going again.)
You people there in the GXW offices must have me pegged as some sort of chump. Every time I come out here to say a few words to all my dirtys…or my peeps, you always wanna bust out with some ridiculous ass s(BLEEP). There wasn’t no need to show that fat hairy bastard…who looked a lot like Jingleheimershmidt, at the end of my last promo. Who the hell is gonna go out and buy some s(BLEEP) like that? Don’t nobody want no futhamuckin’ Tenactin! What the f(BLEEP) do I look like…John Madden? I am getting’ sick of this…
(Snow appears on the screen for a split-second…before a color-bar shows up, followed by a black screen. A logo appears in white letters reading “Pilgrim Oats”. Fade in to an elderly man walking on the sand, by the ocean. There are kids behind him flying kites in the summer breeze. The old man walks up to the deck of his home and has a seat on a bench. It is the movie star from such hits as Cocoon and The Firm, Mr. Wilfred Brimley.)
WB: Grandchildren…ya just gotta love ‘em.
(Smiles and looks off into the distance where the children are playing.)
WB: They love to eat junk food, ice cream, and sugar filled cereals. (Shakes his head.) Well not when grandpa is on duty! (His friendly face quickly changes to that of an angry man.) When they eat all that junk, they get annoying. Start jumpin’ up and down, laughin’ at each other, and not listening to what the hell their grandpa is saying! And from what that there Marty Povich fellow says…they could probably be on crack!
(Wilfred spots a hot chick in a bikini walking down the beach and it quickly puts him at ease. After staring at her for a few seconds, he turns back to the camera and gives a heartwarming smile.)
WB: What they need is a great hearty bowl of oatmeal. With vitamins A & C, enriched calcium, plenty of riboflavin…and loaded with potassium! It’s meets the USDA’s guidelines for daily nutritional requirement…and (Rubs his belly.) mmm mmm…it tastes so good! That’s why our good friends at Pilgrim Oats have come out with a variety of flavors to choose from, especially for the kids. (He looks off into the distance and yells for the kids.) KIDS…GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE…NOW!
(The kids quickly run up to the deck, a few of them tripping themselves up along the way. They look very sick, like they are suffering from malnutrition.)
WB: Damnit Jimmy, what did I tell you last time about pickin’ up your s(BLEEP) instead of leaving out here on the deck? I damn near broke my neck by stepping on your roller-skates!
J: Sorry Grandpa. You are going to feed me today, right?
WB: (An evil scowl on his face, quickly changes to one of concern…once he remembers the commercial.) Of course, pull up a seat…I’ve got a big ass batch of oatmeal on the stove.
(Wilfred is seen walking out of the kitchen into the dining room, where the children are surrounding a table. They each have a large bowl in front of them and Wilfred has a large pot of oatmeal and it scooping out huge heaping amounts into each of the kids’ dishes. After each one is filled, he turns his back to the kids and smiles at the camera. The Pilgrim Oats logo appears on the screen. One of the kids gets a spoon full of oatmeal and flings it towards one of the kids on the opposite sides of the table. The child begins to cry and Wilfred gives a grimacing look into the camera before turning around and yelling.)
WB: Damnit kids, stop goofing around and eat your f(BLEEP)in’ oatmeal!
(Fade In: We see the former Maverick known to one and all as the "Shockmaster" Jacob Sikes watching the last bit of Boogie Smallz promo with a wiry grin. He turns off the monitor and then turns to regard the camera with a very sardonic grin)
Sikes: Well, well, well. It looks like the battle of the former tag team wrestlers continues as I have to face off against none other than Hip Hop Express member Boogie Smallz on the next edition of Onslaught. Alright Smallz, I humored you by letting you get the first word in and now I'm going to revoke your right to do another half assed promo like that again by breaking your jaw on Onslaught.
(The former Maverick reaches into his signature jacket and pulls out two gloves-his signature black leather ones)
Sikes: You see Smallz, these two little pieces of clothing states when I'm on the clock or not and come the next installment of Global Xtreme Wrestlings newest show, they're going to be on this hands which have taken the best that professonal wrestling has had to offer from Killjoy in Superior Championship Wrestling to Malkavain in Firestorm Wrestling to even the Reaver in the eNWA and beaten them all. To you that may not be impressive, but they are some of the real top superstars around and unlike you, they actually go around to other federations and improve their wrestling talents unlike you with your old stale talents and moves.
(Sikes then proceeds to pull one of the gloves on, but not fasten it securly, he then does the same to the other and doesn't secure it either)
Sikes: You see Smallz, you're just like what the Reaver says-stale talent trying to live again in a federation that is built on pushing the envlope more and more and at Onslaught, I'm going to take real pride in hurting you very badly and do you want to know why?
(Sikes then secures the left glove and then the right which he proceds to punch his right hand into the palm of his left with a very painful and sickening "thud" as he simply looks into the camera and straight at Smallz)
Sikes: It's going to be showtime and I intend on taking you out of the show...permentally...
Old time rock and roll...meets an old style beating...
(Fade In: We're shown the ever present backdrop of Global Xtreme Wrestling and the ever present form of the "Shockmaster" Jacob Sikes-standing in his full wrestling gear complete with his signature black sunglasses-looks back at the camera with his arms crossed his massive chest)
Sikes: Boogie Smallz, I would like to personally make this statement well known. I've been in this profession that we call wrestling for a number of years now and I'm almost in my mid-30's. I've held titles from one country to another, I've travelled the world more times than I can remember, I speak four different languages fleuently and I've hanged with some of the biggest names in this sport. But never, ever have I ran into someone who thought that the sport was a joke like you do. But tonight I have a chance to fix that and also get in a pretty decent workout if I may say so myself. But tonight has a certain special feel for me...but all that well be explained after my match.
(Sikes uncrosses his arms and with his right hand removes his sunglasses, the former FWA champion look is that of a very focused man, one can tell that in his voice as he continues speaking)
Sikes: Tonight in front of all these people Smallz, I intend on making an example out of you. One that nobody will easily forget. Because I'm going to prove to you and the fans that not only I'm still the toughest big man in this sport, but I'm also a survivor. I've been hearing the backstage talk about me, "He's getting too old for this type of work" and all that #####. It's not about how old you are in the end, but that doesn't matter in the end when it comes between who's got talent and who doesn't, and you Boogie Smallz of the Disco Express-you've got no talent what's so ever. I've fought toe to toe with Chaos and Apathy of the Dark Carnivel and they had more talent combined than you do at ALL. I've fought a number of other wrestlers who I bet a very small number of you here in GXW would even know about and I've beaten them or at least wrestled them to the point where they had to admit that getting me to be beat was not happening that match.
(Sikes wipes off the lens's of his sunglasses for a moment before looking at them experimentally and then sliding them on and he holds up both hands, showing that they are covered with the black "work" gloves)
Sikes: As you can see, Boogie, the gloves are on and it's time for me to goto work, and as alot of people know that's kicking ass. So I'll see you in the ring kid and please don't embarras yourself too badly.
(FADE IN to a room full of smoke and a bubbling sound is heard. As the camera moves about the room, Boogie Smallz is seen with his hand covering up the top of a 2 foot bong. His cheeks resemble that of the famous trumpet player, Dizzy Gillespie. Boogie starts making funny noises while he is trying to hold in the smoke…he eventually gives up and coughs up a huge cloud of smoke. He takes a chug of water from a cup on a nearby table and continues clearing out the chamber. He looks up at the television and sees Jacob Sikes' promo for the upcoming Onslaught. Boogie looks less than amused and starts shaking his head. He lets out another cloud of smoke and begins to speak.)
BOOGIE SMALLZ: Ya' wanna call my act old and stale? (Laughs) What makes you any different than the other crackas runnin' around this company? You think naming off a bunch of names and companies you worked for impresses me? Well it doesn't, because while you were wrestling in flea markets and high school gyms…I was in the CSWA getting' down for mine! Those companies…all the titles you won…your futhamuckin' past…none of that means jack s(BLEEP)! The only thing that should matter to you is Onslaught. The only thing you should be concerned with is how you can beat Boogie Smallz. So I didn't go around touring other organizations…so what. I didn't have to because I was set. I was and still am a part of the big time…the CSWA. All you little squirts are just beggin' to get the call, but Chad Merritt ain't ever gonna hook you up…because quite frankly…you suck. Not to say the competition here in GXW isn't great…but come on…it's no company based out of Greensboro.
And why the hell are you tryin' to preach to me? "The Reaver says this…the Reaver says that". Man…I don't give a f(BLEEP) what the Reaver says, maybe I should be fightin' his ass instead of yours! (Shakes his head.) You wanna kiss the man's ass some more? I mean…damn…really! You are already startin' to make me feel like this match ain't nothin' but a waste of my time! You wanna slap on some gloves and talk about breakin' my jaw…but don't nobody out here takes you seriously! I mean, out of the two of us…who do you think is the next big star in GXW? Look at you…a big oaf that wears gloves when he feels threatened…like some sort of security blanket. Then look at me…the blunt smokin', leave the freaks panties soakin', hoe chokin', I'll wring your neck until it's broken, don't confuse me as the token…black man! Hands down…it's gonna be me and yo' punk ass needs to recognize!
(Boogie reaches down and lights up the bong, once again. He inhales a big hit and tries to hold it in his lungs as long as he can, but its too much and he coughs up the smoke. He looks up at the camera and his eyes are glazed over and bloodshot.)
I was gonna say something about Wilfred Brimley cuttin' in on my TV time, but f(BLEEP) it. You suits are gonna do whatever the hell you want…and I guess I ain't got no say in it. So go ahead…keep tryin' to cash in on me, but if you use Wilfred Brimley one more time…I am gonna…
(A color-bar pops up on the screen followed by a long beep. The scene quickly changes to black and a familiar tune from Star Wars begins to play.)
V/O: From the producers of Kung Pow and the Naked Gun series comes this summer's biggest blockbuster....POT WARS! Starring Dave Chapelle as Mace Weedew, Jessica Alba as Queen Bongamala, along with guest appearances by Cheech and Chong as the evil members of the Weederation...and many, many more. Don't miss it!
(FADE IN to Boogie Smallz perched on a stool in an empty studio, with no backdrop or props. Total darkness, except for a light shinning on him.)
BOOGIE SMALLZ: Sikes, you sound like a damn broken record. "I wrestled here…I wrestled there"…SO WHAT!? You're in GX-Dub now and now you gotta go head to head with me! You wanna make a statement with me? Futhamucka…brush your damn teeth! That's would make a hell of a statement in my eyes. (Pauses) See, everyone wants to try and capitalize on Boogie Smallz…everyone wants a cut of my TV time. Now Sikes…I am already allowing you the pleasure of facing off against a TRUE star…but I guess that's not enough for you. (Shakes his head.) You wanna try and go all out and make some sort of impact with your match against the B To Tha Z…but baby boy, it ain't gonna work that way. GXW…I dunno who in their office, but somebody has been cuttin' into my promos and THEY are tryin' to capitalize on me. Where is the love? Why does everyone always wanna hate on Boogeezey?
It's hard work bein' this damn good…but when you are at the top…everybody wants a piece. I guess if I was still in the gutter…I'd be tryin' to cling onto somebody too…but the thing is…I AIN'T! I'll tell ya what…I will make this match as short as possible…because anything more than 5 minutes…and I've given you too much of a favor, by lettin' you be seen with me on TV for that long…WELL F(BLEEP) 'DAT!
You wanna bring up my past…talk about the Disco Express. Cool…go right ahead. That was in the past…I've moved on…the wrestling world has moved on…but I guess you haven't. You are still hangin' on to the past…to your prior achievements…because you now damn well that you won't EVER have any sort of success in GXW…especially with me here! (Smiles) So go ahead…throw on your security blanket…but those gloves on and try to intimidate me by pounding your fist into your hand…WOW…you really got me spooked! (Rolls his eyes.) Try that lame ass s(BLEEP) with me in the ring and see what the f(BLEEP) happens! I'm gonna take you for a trip on CLOUD 9…I'm gonna make you wish you NEVER said jack s(BLEEP) about Boogie Smallz…and I'm gonna beat ya…I'm gonna beat ya with the same move I beat that beeyatch Jingleheimershmidt with…the POWER BONG! And if you don't like it…blow up on deez…HOE! (Grabs his crotch.)
(A color-bar appears on the screen and a commercial airs for the new The Club/Garden Weasel combo. Now you can get rid of weeds in your yard AND protect your car when it's not in use. FADE TO BLACK)
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