GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Now that there is a Pro Wrestling board, I carry over my SmackDown! Satire from WFW's OORP area. Enjoy. Jerks.
Last week: Walker: Texas Undertaker stole JBL’s orthodontic headgear, Booker T won the Kennel From Hell match to tie up his series against Slim Cena, and Eddie Guerrero’s changing of Theodore Long’s radio presets led to Long handing out job duty to a few WWE superstars. Will GM Long make anyone job…TONIGHT?
Booker T is out to start the show. Yay!
Booker: It’s the Bookerman, y’all! And I’d just like to point out that I’ve beaten John Cena twice in a row. First it was last week in the Kennel From Hell, and then during the Australian tour it was during the hard-fought Gravy Bowl match. And when I win the fourth match in the series, a Duchess of Queensbury match, it’ll be all over. Now, I’ve got a rap for Slim Cena. Hit it, boys!
Booker’s gonna win the series three in a row,
They say Slim Cena never loses, but what do they know?
Slim Cena may not ever seem to suffer a defeat,
But I’m just happy that I don’t have to team with Goldust on HEAT!
Besides, I’ve got a secret weapon none of you has seen:
Cena has to take time off in filming “The Marine”
So while I may win this series by naught but pure dumb luck-a,
That’s good enough for me – now can you dig that, SUCKAAAAAAAAAA?
Rey Mysterio: Hey, Booker. How are the kids?
Booker: They’re fine. How’re you doing?
Mysterio: I’m alright, but I’d be better if I could get a Cruiserweight Title shot.
Booker: Well, that’s great, but why bother me about it?
Mysterio: Well, the Cruiserweight champion is Spike Dudley, and a couple of weeks ago, he led an attack on Slim Cena, who you are currently feuding with. So I figured it’d be perfectly logical to approach you.
Booker: Phew…what’s that smell?
Mysterio: I believe that’s continuity.
Booker: Blech. It smells like kitty litter.
Mysterio: Yeah, I miss being in WCW, we never had to deal with continuity.
Booker: I hear that.
Kenzo Suzuki: G’day, mates.
Mysterio: Kenzo Suzuki? What are YOU doing here?
Suzuki: Well, it’s simple, mate. A few months back, Mordecai and meself made our PPV debuts at Judgment Day, where I faced Billy Gunn and he faced Hardcore Holly. Now, those two were a tag team, which makes Mordecai and me mates in a way. But then Mordecai lost to you and got sent back to OVW, so it’s me duty to make you feel the thunder. You better run, you better take cover.
Booker: UGH! It’s getting worse!
Mysterio: Yeah, that’s stretching a bit.
Rob Van Dam: Duuuude. I’m so going to smack you around, Suzuki.
Booker: Okay, good, RVD. You and Kenzo actually have an active feud going on.
RVD: (blank stare)
Booker: You know, Kenzo attacked you two weeks ago unprovoked.
RVD: (blank stare)
Booker: And then last week he didn’t share his waffles.
RVD: …Waffles? No thanks, man, I just had a big stack of pancakes. It was like THIS BIG!
Rene Dupree: I’m French!
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Finally, Theodore Long is out to bring an end to this foolishness.
Long: Holla holla holla. All this continuity is giving me a headache.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Long: I’d better do something about this. Let’s see, five guys in the ring…you know what this situation calls for?
Mysterio: More Kane?
Long: No, a six-man tag. And I know just the man to add to this equation.
Ernest Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m back in action on SmackDown!
Long: Not you, stupid.
Miller: (cries)
Long: Oh, the hell with this. Here’s Slim Cena. I’m going to go make Torrie Wilson give me a scalp massage. Go nuts.
Slim Cena, Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio vs. Booker T, Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree
Booker doesn’t want to fight Cena because he isn’t prepared to wrestle and Cena doesn’t want to fight Booker because Booker’s wearing Khaki Pants +2 v. Repetitive Jokes, so both of them run off in opposite directions. Everyone else just runs around in circles until they get dizzy. Then everyone falls down from inhaling too much continuity. RVD is so messed up that his ponytail comes loose. In all the years RVD has been wrestling, I have never EVER seen that. Mysterio’s mask helps him filter out the foul continuity, and he gets back to his feet first. Mysterio’s team wins! Everyone is happy. Except for Ernest “The Cat” Miller. One of these days, Cat.
A replay of match #1 in the Kurt Angle-Eddie Guerrero series, at WrestleMania, sees Eddie get the win when interference from a heel-turned Lowrider goes awry. EXCITEMENT~!
Paul Heyman is backstage.
Heyman: And remember, John, the next time you feel the need to kill Clay Aiken, what are you going to do?
Heidenreich: …Go to my happy place?
Heyman: That’s right. And where is your happy place?
Heidenreich: …Magic Mountain Family Fun Center?
Heyman: Correct. Good work.
Long: Holla holla holla. Paul, we need to talk.
Heyman: Is this about Clay Aiken? Because he totally had it coming.
Long: Listen Paul, we ALL want to beat the living crap out of Josh Mathews, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to do it.
Heyman: Who’s Josh Mathews?
Long: Look. Walker: Texas Undertaker isn’t here tonight, so if Heidenreich kills anyone, we won’t be able to unkill them.
Heyman: Reeeeeeeally? Say, on a totally unrelated note, would you happen to know where Hardcore Holly is right now?
Long: Apparently you aren’t taking me seriously, Paul, so it looks like I’ll have to make you do it.
Heyman: Oh please. What are you going to do, fine me some dolla dolla bills?
Long: I COULD do that. But I have a better idea. You keep Heidenreich in check, or I’ll be forced to bring out the one man who can stop him.
Heyman: You don’t mean…
Long: That’s right, Paul. Rico is just a phone call away.
Heyman: Alright, alright. No killing for Heidenreich.
Long: Buleedat.
We see footage from last week of Billy Kidman killing Chavo Guerrero with the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. Afterward, the medical crew tries to revive Chavo.
Medic: Chavo? Chavo, are you alright?
Jamie Noble: I’m pretty sure he’s dead.
Medic: Chavo, are you there?
Noble: Look, his head is squished like a grape. I’m certain he’s dead.
Medic: Chavo? Chavo, can you hear me?
Noble: You aren’t listening to me, are you?
Medic: I think he might be dead. Is there an undertaker in the house?
Undertaker: God dammit. Not again.
Now it’s Backstage Time with Team Velocity.
Kidman: Um…
London: Uh…
Kidman: Er…
Noble: Hey boy!
Kidman: Oh thank God.
Noble: What’s up with you killing my tag team partner last week? Walker: Texas Undertaker was mighty ticked that he had to bring him back from the dead.
Kidman: Cram it, Noble. That’s just the nature of the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. You’ve seen it a thousand times. I used it on you in the Cruiserweight Open at WrestleMania, remember?
Noble: Yeah, but you almost killed YOURSELF. This is different.
London: Cruiserweight Open? What Cruiserweight Open?
Kidman: Oops.
London: There was a Cruiserweight Open at WrestleMania? And neither of you guys told me?
Kidman: Uh…I was TOTALLY going to tell you…
Noble: Yeah, me too. But um…
Kidman: Uh…
Noble: But uh, Ultimo Dragon said he’d already told you.
Kidman: Yeah! It was all Ultimo Dragon! He totally lied to us.
London: Ultimo Dragon…?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Dragon: I’m telling you, kid, don’t sign that contract.
London: But I want to be a WWE superstar!
Dragon: So did I, many years ago…but those days are gone now.
London: Golly gee! What happened, Mr. Dragon?
Dragon: I made the foolish mistake of trusting Vince McMahon.
London: But I like Mr. McMahon! He’s always nice to me!
Dragon: Kid, you can’t trust Vince. Sure, you think he’ll always be as nice as he is now. But you know what will happen?
London: What will happen, Mr. Dragon sir?
Dragon: He’ll totally kill your push after just a few weeks. He’ll tell you he doesn’t like your “style” and will make you water it down for him. And then he’ll stick you on Velocity with Chuck Palumbo for the rest of your career.
London: Gosh, Mr. Dragon. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t sign that—
Zach Gowen: Hey, Paul! Have I told you how AWESOME it is to be a WWE wrestler? My first angle had me teaming up with Hulk Hogan himself! Can you believe it?
London: But Mr. Dragon told me—
Gowen: Don’t listen to that old duffer! Come on, Paul, I bet in a month you’ll be in an angle with Kurt Angle or Undertaker or someone cool.
London: WOOOOWWWW! What a great place! I sure do want to work here now!
Dragon: Sigh…don’t say I didn’t warn you, kid.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
London: …Well I DID succeed didn’t I Dragon? Even if you didn’t want me to, you…you big jerk!
(London runs off crying)
Kidman: Where did that come from?
Noble: Fine, you go out there and have your match, but try not to cripple Johnny Stamboli.
Kidman: Why not?
Noble: Uhhh….gotta go!
(Noble scampers off)
Carlito Caribbean Cool is still coming to SmackDown! Whether you want him to or not.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~!: Team Velocity vs. FBI
The FBI are glad their 29 consecutive wins over the Basham Brothers on Velocity finally earned them a Tag Title shot. Wait, this isn’t a title match! Nunzio is sad. Paul London is still dealing with his Ultimo Dragon-related trauma, so he and Nunzio go have a good crying spell while Kidman and Stamboli talk amongst themselves. Nunzio gives them a topic: If a tree falls in the woods and no one’s around, does Orton still win? Stamboli gets bored and wanders off. Nunzio and London finish crying and get back in the ring. Kidman goes for the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ on Nunzio, but he doesn’t botch it this time and London is so stunned he jobs. Frightened that his inability to botch the shooting star press might also mean he can be powerbombed now, Kidman runs off to do some figuring. Then John Heidenreich hits the ring and kills London. Oh snap! Paul Heyman is in soooooooo much trouble right now, I’m not even kidding. To atone, Heyman stops Heidenreich from killing Michael Cole as well. Thank goodness. I think we all know who the fans prefer between Cole and London.
Torrie: Mr. Long, I’m a little bit worried about the Big Show returning.
Long: I hear talking, but I don’t hear scalp massaging.
Torrie: Well, it’s just that he tried to eat me last time he was on TV.
Long: Yeah, but then he ate Kurt Angle instead, so it all worked out.
Torrie: I don’t see how that is supposed to make me feel better.
Long: Okay, if you must know, we’re trying a new program with Big Show. We’re doing some anger management on him.
Torrie: That’s good to hear. Is it some sort of twelve-step program?
Long: Nope.
Torrie: Hmm…do you have a psychologist working with him then?
Long: ‘Fraid not.
Torrie: Is he on some sort of medication again?
Long: …Yeah, you might say that.
RVD: Hey, um…I think somebody stole something out of my dressing room. Like, a whole pound of something.
Torrie: Wait a minute, tell me you didn’t—
Long: Of course not, I – hey, look over there!
(Long flees)
RVD: What is it? I’m still looking.
Torrie: You idiot. He just tricked us.
RVD: No, I’m pretty sure there’s something here, I just have to find out what it is. Starin’ at the wall, starin’ at the wall…
(Torrie storms off)
RVD: Fine, I didn’t want your help anyway. Starin’ at the wall, starin’ at the wall…
The Bradshaw-Signal is in the sky, so we all know what’s coming. Hey, there’s the Bradshawmobile, and there’s JBL and Orlando Jordan. It looks like JBL has gone from orthodontic headgear to braces. He’s moving along quite nicely. He’ll be our guest commentator for the next match. Yay!
Orlando Jordan vs. Charlie Haas
Hey, these two could team up and be the new Ebony & Ivory. It’s a good thing the real Ivory is at the Republican National Convention, I’m pretty sure the world will be destroyed if the two Ivories ever meet.
Tazz: So, how are the teeth?
JBL: Just fine, thanks.
Michael Cole: And how are you planning to deal with Walker: Texas Undertaker?
JBL: God, the interrogation never ends.
Cole: Well, who are you going to defend your title against next?
JBL: How about Charlie Haas? If he beats Orlando, I’ll consider it.
Tazz: Plus, you feuded with him back in February, when you were still part of the A.P.A. and he was still part of the World’s Greatest Tag Team. Remember?
JBL: Ugh! What’s that vile stench?
Jordan: Holy festering continuity, Bradshaw!
Jordan’s comment loses him the advantage in this match. Hey, Haas might actually win a match! I’m sure his ego needs the boost after he lost to Rene Dupree on Velocity. But Haas blows a spot because he’s learning from Jackie Gayda. Jordan wins by being overpushed.
JBL: I taught him that.
Since Charlie Haas hasn’t been humiliated enough tonight, JBL decides to come in and give him the Clothesline From Fox News. POW! Where did that sunburst come from?
Now here’s some footage from the Republican National Convention. With live coverage (from two days ago), here’s Ivory, Linda McMahon and the Big Show.
Linda: We’re so excited to be here at the Republican National Convention.
Ivory: I can’t stop smiling.
Linda: I agree. This is truly a momentous event.
Ivory: No, I mean it. I really can’t stop smiling. I’ve had only this one facial expression since like February.
Linda: Fantastic. Big Show, what do you think of tonight’s event?
Show: Duuuuuude. I have NO idea what’s going on right now.
Linda: Big Show?
Show: All these colors are AWESOME. There’s red, and white, and um…blue! Yeah! Blue!
Linda: Stupid SmackDown! I wish we could have brought Shawn Michaels in for this one, too.
Ivory: I wonder if we’ll get to meet anyone famous.
Linda: Oh Ivory, I seriously doubt it.
Ivory: If I could frown right now, I would.
Linda: Well, that’s—hey, where has Big Show gone off to?
Ivory: He just said something about having the munchies and…oh no. OH NO!
Some Republican: Dear Lord!
Show: What?
Republican: Do you realize what you’ve done? You just ate Dick Cheney!
Show: Heh heh…you said “Dick.”
Republican: That man was the vice president of the United States! And you ate him!
Show: Oh…sweet! Does that mean I’m the vice president now?
Republican: Sadly, due to some unprecedented technicalities, it does.
Show: WOO! I’m the vice president! I decree that everyone come with me to go eat Fritos and watch cartoons!
George W. Bush: Score!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Dudley Boyz vs. Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn
Thank God John Heidenreich already killed Paul London earlier, I’d hate to see him take out one of these fine mat technicians instead. Theodore Long threatened to bring in Rico to stop Heidenreich’s rampage, but everyone knows Rico is injured right now. I think there’s only one force in the universe that can stop the wrath of Heidenreich, and that, my friends, is PANDAMONIUM. No matter how dangerous Heidenreich might be, there’s no offense he can muster that a panda can’t counter. Someday, my panda comrades, you will get your due. Hey, my panda-related fantasies have allowed me to ignore most of this match. Awesome. The Dudley Boyz win when Spike hits Hardcore Holly with a brick. Oh no he DI-N’T!
Now it’s a replay of match #2 between Angle and Guerrero, from SummerSlam. Angle wins. What, you want more details? Well what have you done to deserve them? I slaved over a hot satire all day, and this is the thanks I get. Ingrates.
Carlito Caribbean Cool is STILL coming. We know, Carlito, we know. Please stop sending us text messages.
RAW Rebound: RAW is run by Eugene Power!
TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS, FOR OWNERSHIP OF KURT ANGLE’S WATCH: Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero
The winner of this match will be the undisputed owner of Kurt Angle’s watch, thus ending almost a year of bitter combat. I’d better be prepared for that. Bring me 50 CC’s of running gags, stat! Okay, I feel better now. Eddie executes the devastating “Pull on Singlet” maneuver, but amazingly, Kurt manages to survive the assault. We’re in for a barn-burner here, folks! Angle then pulls Eddie’s tights, and a catfight ensues. The referee finally breaks the catfight up and declares Angle the winner of the first fall for reasons of superior shininess. That’s hardly fair. Time for ads!
Ads over! Time for wrestling! Or actually a combination thereof, as Eddie uses a resthold as an opportunity to shill Verizon Wireless. He asks the referee if he can hear him now. Good! But Angle reverses the resthold to advertise Oxi Clean. Get your whites whiter with the power of oxygen, with Oxi Clean! I’d give the decision to Angle here if I were the referee, but I’m prejudiced because I went as Billy Mays, the Oxi Clean guy, for Halloween last year. But instead, the referee cancels out both of them by hawking YJ Stinger. Why didn’t either competitor think of that? The YJ Stinger bees swarm the ring and immediately go for Angle, because he’s the shinier target, so Eddie wins fall #2. Angle’s shininess backfires! What will happen after these ads?
Back from ads, and it’s time to find out for sure who really deserves to own Kurt Angle’s watch. I’ll tell you who doesn’t deserve to own it – the referee, who slips on some spilled Oxi Clean and loses consciousness. What will happen next? Luther Reigns tries to interfere, but a panda takes him out. Yes! Pandas fighting for justice! Why hasn’t this ever been turned into a Saturday morning cartoon? It looks like Eddie is going to win this one. But wait! Suddenly the panda enters the ring and beats Eddie with a stick! OMG PANDA SWERVE~! Well now I just don’t know what to think. Angle gets out his Maxim Hair Color kit and starts trying to re-brownify Eddie’s blonde tips, and Eddie has no choice but to tap out. The watch is Kurt’s! Luther smacks Eddie around while Angle looks confused. Who was that masked panda? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Kurt Angle uses his newly regained watch to time how long it takes John Heidenreich to screw up a spot. Eddie tries to find out the true identity of the masked panda (hint: not T.L. Hopper). Walker: Texas Undertaker kills and unkills Shannon Moore, just because he can.
Last week: Walker: Texas Undertaker stole JBL’s orthodontic headgear, Booker T won the Kennel From Hell match to tie up his series against Slim Cena, and Eddie Guerrero’s changing of Theodore Long’s radio presets led to Long handing out job duty to a few WWE superstars. Will GM Long make anyone job…TONIGHT?
Booker T is out to start the show. Yay!
Booker: It’s the Bookerman, y’all! And I’d just like to point out that I’ve beaten John Cena twice in a row. First it was last week in the Kennel From Hell, and then during the Australian tour it was during the hard-fought Gravy Bowl match. And when I win the fourth match in the series, a Duchess of Queensbury match, it’ll be all over. Now, I’ve got a rap for Slim Cena. Hit it, boys!
Booker’s gonna win the series three in a row,
They say Slim Cena never loses, but what do they know?
Slim Cena may not ever seem to suffer a defeat,
But I’m just happy that I don’t have to team with Goldust on HEAT!
Besides, I’ve got a secret weapon none of you has seen:
Cena has to take time off in filming “The Marine”
So while I may win this series by naught but pure dumb luck-a,
That’s good enough for me – now can you dig that, SUCKAAAAAAAAAA?
Rey Mysterio: Hey, Booker. How are the kids?
Booker: They’re fine. How’re you doing?
Mysterio: I’m alright, but I’d be better if I could get a Cruiserweight Title shot.
Booker: Well, that’s great, but why bother me about it?
Mysterio: Well, the Cruiserweight champion is Spike Dudley, and a couple of weeks ago, he led an attack on Slim Cena, who you are currently feuding with. So I figured it’d be perfectly logical to approach you.
Booker: Phew…what’s that smell?
Mysterio: I believe that’s continuity.
Booker: Blech. It smells like kitty litter.
Mysterio: Yeah, I miss being in WCW, we never had to deal with continuity.
Booker: I hear that.
Kenzo Suzuki: G’day, mates.
Mysterio: Kenzo Suzuki? What are YOU doing here?
Suzuki: Well, it’s simple, mate. A few months back, Mordecai and meself made our PPV debuts at Judgment Day, where I faced Billy Gunn and he faced Hardcore Holly. Now, those two were a tag team, which makes Mordecai and me mates in a way. But then Mordecai lost to you and got sent back to OVW, so it’s me duty to make you feel the thunder. You better run, you better take cover.
Booker: UGH! It’s getting worse!
Mysterio: Yeah, that’s stretching a bit.
Rob Van Dam: Duuuude. I’m so going to smack you around, Suzuki.
Booker: Okay, good, RVD. You and Kenzo actually have an active feud going on.
RVD: (blank stare)
Booker: You know, Kenzo attacked you two weeks ago unprovoked.
RVD: (blank stare)
Booker: And then last week he didn’t share his waffles.
RVD: …Waffles? No thanks, man, I just had a big stack of pancakes. It was like THIS BIG!
Rene Dupree: I’m French!
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Finally, Theodore Long is out to bring an end to this foolishness.
Long: Holla holla holla. All this continuity is giving me a headache.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Long: I’d better do something about this. Let’s see, five guys in the ring…you know what this situation calls for?
Mysterio: More Kane?
Long: No, a six-man tag. And I know just the man to add to this equation.
Ernest Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m back in action on SmackDown!
Long: Not you, stupid.
Miller: (cries)
Long: Oh, the hell with this. Here’s Slim Cena. I’m going to go make Torrie Wilson give me a scalp massage. Go nuts.
Slim Cena, Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio vs. Booker T, Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree
Booker doesn’t want to fight Cena because he isn’t prepared to wrestle and Cena doesn’t want to fight Booker because Booker’s wearing Khaki Pants +2 v. Repetitive Jokes, so both of them run off in opposite directions. Everyone else just runs around in circles until they get dizzy. Then everyone falls down from inhaling too much continuity. RVD is so messed up that his ponytail comes loose. In all the years RVD has been wrestling, I have never EVER seen that. Mysterio’s mask helps him filter out the foul continuity, and he gets back to his feet first. Mysterio’s team wins! Everyone is happy. Except for Ernest “The Cat” Miller. One of these days, Cat.
A replay of match #1 in the Kurt Angle-Eddie Guerrero series, at WrestleMania, sees Eddie get the win when interference from a heel-turned Lowrider goes awry. EXCITEMENT~!
Paul Heyman is backstage.
Heyman: And remember, John, the next time you feel the need to kill Clay Aiken, what are you going to do?
Heidenreich: …Go to my happy place?
Heyman: That’s right. And where is your happy place?
Heidenreich: …Magic Mountain Family Fun Center?
Heyman: Correct. Good work.
Long: Holla holla holla. Paul, we need to talk.
Heyman: Is this about Clay Aiken? Because he totally had it coming.
Long: Listen Paul, we ALL want to beat the living crap out of Josh Mathews, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to do it.
Heyman: Who’s Josh Mathews?
Long: Look. Walker: Texas Undertaker isn’t here tonight, so if Heidenreich kills anyone, we won’t be able to unkill them.
Heyman: Reeeeeeeally? Say, on a totally unrelated note, would you happen to know where Hardcore Holly is right now?
Long: Apparently you aren’t taking me seriously, Paul, so it looks like I’ll have to make you do it.
Heyman: Oh please. What are you going to do, fine me some dolla dolla bills?
Long: I COULD do that. But I have a better idea. You keep Heidenreich in check, or I’ll be forced to bring out the one man who can stop him.
Heyman: You don’t mean…
Long: That’s right, Paul. Rico is just a phone call away.
Heyman: Alright, alright. No killing for Heidenreich.
Long: Buleedat.
We see footage from last week of Billy Kidman killing Chavo Guerrero with the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. Afterward, the medical crew tries to revive Chavo.
Medic: Chavo? Chavo, are you alright?
Jamie Noble: I’m pretty sure he’s dead.
Medic: Chavo, are you there?
Noble: Look, his head is squished like a grape. I’m certain he’s dead.
Medic: Chavo? Chavo, can you hear me?
Noble: You aren’t listening to me, are you?
Medic: I think he might be dead. Is there an undertaker in the house?
Undertaker: God dammit. Not again.
Now it’s Backstage Time with Team Velocity.
Kidman: Um…
London: Uh…
Kidman: Er…
Noble: Hey boy!
Kidman: Oh thank God.
Noble: What’s up with you killing my tag team partner last week? Walker: Texas Undertaker was mighty ticked that he had to bring him back from the dead.
Kidman: Cram it, Noble. That’s just the nature of the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. You’ve seen it a thousand times. I used it on you in the Cruiserweight Open at WrestleMania, remember?
Noble: Yeah, but you almost killed YOURSELF. This is different.
London: Cruiserweight Open? What Cruiserweight Open?
Kidman: Oops.
London: There was a Cruiserweight Open at WrestleMania? And neither of you guys told me?
Kidman: Uh…I was TOTALLY going to tell you…
Noble: Yeah, me too. But um…
Kidman: Uh…
Noble: But uh, Ultimo Dragon said he’d already told you.
Kidman: Yeah! It was all Ultimo Dragon! He totally lied to us.
London: Ultimo Dragon…?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Dragon: I’m telling you, kid, don’t sign that contract.
London: But I want to be a WWE superstar!
Dragon: So did I, many years ago…but those days are gone now.
London: Golly gee! What happened, Mr. Dragon?
Dragon: I made the foolish mistake of trusting Vince McMahon.
London: But I like Mr. McMahon! He’s always nice to me!
Dragon: Kid, you can’t trust Vince. Sure, you think he’ll always be as nice as he is now. But you know what will happen?
London: What will happen, Mr. Dragon sir?
Dragon: He’ll totally kill your push after just a few weeks. He’ll tell you he doesn’t like your “style” and will make you water it down for him. And then he’ll stick you on Velocity with Chuck Palumbo for the rest of your career.
London: Gosh, Mr. Dragon. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t sign that—
Zach Gowen: Hey, Paul! Have I told you how AWESOME it is to be a WWE wrestler? My first angle had me teaming up with Hulk Hogan himself! Can you believe it?
London: But Mr. Dragon told me—
Gowen: Don’t listen to that old duffer! Come on, Paul, I bet in a month you’ll be in an angle with Kurt Angle or Undertaker or someone cool.
London: WOOOOWWWW! What a great place! I sure do want to work here now!
Dragon: Sigh…don’t say I didn’t warn you, kid.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
London: …Well I DID succeed didn’t I Dragon? Even if you didn’t want me to, you…you big jerk!
(London runs off crying)
Kidman: Where did that come from?
Noble: Fine, you go out there and have your match, but try not to cripple Johnny Stamboli.
Kidman: Why not?
Noble: Uhhh….gotta go!
(Noble scampers off)
Carlito Caribbean Cool is still coming to SmackDown! Whether you want him to or not.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~!: Team Velocity vs. FBI
The FBI are glad their 29 consecutive wins over the Basham Brothers on Velocity finally earned them a Tag Title shot. Wait, this isn’t a title match! Nunzio is sad. Paul London is still dealing with his Ultimo Dragon-related trauma, so he and Nunzio go have a good crying spell while Kidman and Stamboli talk amongst themselves. Nunzio gives them a topic: If a tree falls in the woods and no one’s around, does Orton still win? Stamboli gets bored and wanders off. Nunzio and London finish crying and get back in the ring. Kidman goes for the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ on Nunzio, but he doesn’t botch it this time and London is so stunned he jobs. Frightened that his inability to botch the shooting star press might also mean he can be powerbombed now, Kidman runs off to do some figuring. Then John Heidenreich hits the ring and kills London. Oh snap! Paul Heyman is in soooooooo much trouble right now, I’m not even kidding. To atone, Heyman stops Heidenreich from killing Michael Cole as well. Thank goodness. I think we all know who the fans prefer between Cole and London.
Torrie: Mr. Long, I’m a little bit worried about the Big Show returning.
Long: I hear talking, but I don’t hear scalp massaging.
Torrie: Well, it’s just that he tried to eat me last time he was on TV.
Long: Yeah, but then he ate Kurt Angle instead, so it all worked out.
Torrie: I don’t see how that is supposed to make me feel better.
Long: Okay, if you must know, we’re trying a new program with Big Show. We’re doing some anger management on him.
Torrie: That’s good to hear. Is it some sort of twelve-step program?
Long: Nope.
Torrie: Hmm…do you have a psychologist working with him then?
Long: ‘Fraid not.
Torrie: Is he on some sort of medication again?
Long: …Yeah, you might say that.
RVD: Hey, um…I think somebody stole something out of my dressing room. Like, a whole pound of something.
Torrie: Wait a minute, tell me you didn’t—
Long: Of course not, I – hey, look over there!
(Long flees)
RVD: What is it? I’m still looking.
Torrie: You idiot. He just tricked us.
RVD: No, I’m pretty sure there’s something here, I just have to find out what it is. Starin’ at the wall, starin’ at the wall…
(Torrie storms off)
RVD: Fine, I didn’t want your help anyway. Starin’ at the wall, starin’ at the wall…
The Bradshaw-Signal is in the sky, so we all know what’s coming. Hey, there’s the Bradshawmobile, and there’s JBL and Orlando Jordan. It looks like JBL has gone from orthodontic headgear to braces. He’s moving along quite nicely. He’ll be our guest commentator for the next match. Yay!
Orlando Jordan vs. Charlie Haas
Hey, these two could team up and be the new Ebony & Ivory. It’s a good thing the real Ivory is at the Republican National Convention, I’m pretty sure the world will be destroyed if the two Ivories ever meet.
Tazz: So, how are the teeth?
JBL: Just fine, thanks.
Michael Cole: And how are you planning to deal with Walker: Texas Undertaker?
JBL: God, the interrogation never ends.
Cole: Well, who are you going to defend your title against next?
JBL: How about Charlie Haas? If he beats Orlando, I’ll consider it.
Tazz: Plus, you feuded with him back in February, when you were still part of the A.P.A. and he was still part of the World’s Greatest Tag Team. Remember?
JBL: Ugh! What’s that vile stench?
Jordan: Holy festering continuity, Bradshaw!
Jordan’s comment loses him the advantage in this match. Hey, Haas might actually win a match! I’m sure his ego needs the boost after he lost to Rene Dupree on Velocity. But Haas blows a spot because he’s learning from Jackie Gayda. Jordan wins by being overpushed.
JBL: I taught him that.
Since Charlie Haas hasn’t been humiliated enough tonight, JBL decides to come in and give him the Clothesline From Fox News. POW! Where did that sunburst come from?
Now here’s some footage from the Republican National Convention. With live coverage (from two days ago), here’s Ivory, Linda McMahon and the Big Show.
Linda: We’re so excited to be here at the Republican National Convention.
Ivory: I can’t stop smiling.
Linda: I agree. This is truly a momentous event.
Ivory: No, I mean it. I really can’t stop smiling. I’ve had only this one facial expression since like February.
Linda: Fantastic. Big Show, what do you think of tonight’s event?
Show: Duuuuuude. I have NO idea what’s going on right now.
Linda: Big Show?
Show: All these colors are AWESOME. There’s red, and white, and um…blue! Yeah! Blue!
Linda: Stupid SmackDown! I wish we could have brought Shawn Michaels in for this one, too.
Ivory: I wonder if we’ll get to meet anyone famous.
Linda: Oh Ivory, I seriously doubt it.
Ivory: If I could frown right now, I would.
Linda: Well, that’s—hey, where has Big Show gone off to?
Ivory: He just said something about having the munchies and…oh no. OH NO!
Some Republican: Dear Lord!
Show: What?
Republican: Do you realize what you’ve done? You just ate Dick Cheney!
Show: Heh heh…you said “Dick.”
Republican: That man was the vice president of the United States! And you ate him!
Show: Oh…sweet! Does that mean I’m the vice president now?
Republican: Sadly, due to some unprecedented technicalities, it does.
Show: WOO! I’m the vice president! I decree that everyone come with me to go eat Fritos and watch cartoons!
George W. Bush: Score!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Dudley Boyz vs. Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn
Thank God John Heidenreich already killed Paul London earlier, I’d hate to see him take out one of these fine mat technicians instead. Theodore Long threatened to bring in Rico to stop Heidenreich’s rampage, but everyone knows Rico is injured right now. I think there’s only one force in the universe that can stop the wrath of Heidenreich, and that, my friends, is PANDAMONIUM. No matter how dangerous Heidenreich might be, there’s no offense he can muster that a panda can’t counter. Someday, my panda comrades, you will get your due. Hey, my panda-related fantasies have allowed me to ignore most of this match. Awesome. The Dudley Boyz win when Spike hits Hardcore Holly with a brick. Oh no he DI-N’T!
Now it’s a replay of match #2 between Angle and Guerrero, from SummerSlam. Angle wins. What, you want more details? Well what have you done to deserve them? I slaved over a hot satire all day, and this is the thanks I get. Ingrates.
Carlito Caribbean Cool is STILL coming. We know, Carlito, we know. Please stop sending us text messages.
RAW Rebound: RAW is run by Eugene Power!
TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS, FOR OWNERSHIP OF KURT ANGLE’S WATCH: Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero
The winner of this match will be the undisputed owner of Kurt Angle’s watch, thus ending almost a year of bitter combat. I’d better be prepared for that. Bring me 50 CC’s of running gags, stat! Okay, I feel better now. Eddie executes the devastating “Pull on Singlet” maneuver, but amazingly, Kurt manages to survive the assault. We’re in for a barn-burner here, folks! Angle then pulls Eddie’s tights, and a catfight ensues. The referee finally breaks the catfight up and declares Angle the winner of the first fall for reasons of superior shininess. That’s hardly fair. Time for ads!
Ads over! Time for wrestling! Or actually a combination thereof, as Eddie uses a resthold as an opportunity to shill Verizon Wireless. He asks the referee if he can hear him now. Good! But Angle reverses the resthold to advertise Oxi Clean. Get your whites whiter with the power of oxygen, with Oxi Clean! I’d give the decision to Angle here if I were the referee, but I’m prejudiced because I went as Billy Mays, the Oxi Clean guy, for Halloween last year. But instead, the referee cancels out both of them by hawking YJ Stinger. Why didn’t either competitor think of that? The YJ Stinger bees swarm the ring and immediately go for Angle, because he’s the shinier target, so Eddie wins fall #2. Angle’s shininess backfires! What will happen after these ads?
Back from ads, and it’s time to find out for sure who really deserves to own Kurt Angle’s watch. I’ll tell you who doesn’t deserve to own it – the referee, who slips on some spilled Oxi Clean and loses consciousness. What will happen next? Luther Reigns tries to interfere, but a panda takes him out. Yes! Pandas fighting for justice! Why hasn’t this ever been turned into a Saturday morning cartoon? It looks like Eddie is going to win this one. But wait! Suddenly the panda enters the ring and beats Eddie with a stick! OMG PANDA SWERVE~! Well now I just don’t know what to think. Angle gets out his Maxim Hair Color kit and starts trying to re-brownify Eddie’s blonde tips, and Eddie has no choice but to tap out. The watch is Kurt’s! Luther smacks Eddie around while Angle looks confused. Who was that masked panda? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Kurt Angle uses his newly regained watch to time how long it takes John Heidenreich to screw up a spot. Eddie tries to find out the true identity of the masked panda (hint: not T.L. Hopper). Walker: Texas Undertaker kills and unkills Shannon Moore, just because he can.
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