GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Last week: Through a twisting path of cardboard and Chex Mix, Big Show was signed to face Kurt Angle at Uno Mercy, Gangrel and Viscera came from 1999 to beat up Walker: Texas Undertaker, and the references to old-timey TV shows were far too heavy. Will there be overly heavy references…TONIGHT?
Vince McMahon: Howdy do. Hey, guess what? SmackDown! has been on TV for five years! And here in WWE, we’re all glad to provide the only good show UPN has had in that five-year span. Here’s to five more years, and to helping the fans forget that the show is named for a catch phrase used by a guy who only appears on WWE TV maybe three times a year and only pops up on the OTHER show. Good day.
Hey look, SmackDown! has a new intro sequence! All the superstars perform their finishing moves in front of the psychedelic backdrops from “That 70’s Show.” Isn’t that awesome.
Billy Kidman vs. Paul London
TEAM VELOCITY EXPLODES~! Wait, no, Kidman says he has to go get his list of instructions on how to correctly botch the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. He says he’ll be right back, but the referee totally reaches his ten-count before Billy has time to get back in the ring. What a jerk. Kidman is sad. Oh hey, here’s Booker T.
Booker: Shoot, this isn’t the buffet.
Paul London kicks Booker T in the face. Wheee! IMPROMPTU MATCH~!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Booker T vs. Paul London
Wow, that’s the fourth tilde I’ve used in just the first few paragraphs of this week’s satire. That’s it, I’m cut off. This show needs less tildes. And more…cilantro. HA you thought I was going to say more Kane, didn’t you. Well that’s something the old, tilde-overusing Garth would have done. The new Garth has plenty of Kane…for now. Paul London gets a bloody nose because he’s nervous to be in a match with the U.S. champion and he keeps picking it. Booker T tells Paul to pinch his nose and keep it elevated so the bleeding will stop. But then while he’s doing that Booker rolls him up to get the victory. That crafty Booker. He’s wearing his Hair Tie +2 to Intelligence tonight.
Booker: Now where’s that buffet?
London: On the bottom of my boot.
Booker: What? That doesn’t make any sense.
London: It means I’m going to kick you in the face.
Booker: Oh. Carry on, then.
London kicks Booker T in the face. Yahoo.
Now it’s time for Backstage With Big Show. This week, WWE legends talk about their favorite SmackDown! moments. Unfortunately, Big Show just sort of wandered off the set, so the superstars are there by themselves. Mick Foley is in the studio right now.
Foley: Wasn’t I retired by the time SmackDown! became a regular show? ‘Cause I really don’t remember ever being on the show. Oh wait, I seem to remember one time when I became Cactus Jack…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Foley: …Well Triple H, it’s time I introduced you to the man who’s going to take your title…Cactus Jack! BANG BANG!
HHH: Oh come on, Mick. Do you really expect the Cactus Jack schtick to work on me again? This is like the third time you’ve done it.
Foley: Is it? I don’t remember doing it before.
HHH: How can you not remember? It was against me the first time! Remember, 1997? Falls count anywhere? I jobbed to you like 83 times that year.
Foley: Ha, yeah, you jobbed to EVERYONE that year.
HHH: Well, I’ll have my revenge one day. One day, I’LL have all the power, and I’ll force everyone to job to ME!
Foley: That’s what they all say.
HHH: You’ll see. You’ll all see. And I’m going to start with YOU, Mick.
Foley: Right, I’ll keep that in mind. For now, I’m going to hit you in the face with this piece of lumber wrapped in barbed wire.
HHH: Oh, cool. Go for it.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Foley: Yeah, that was—wait, what was I talking about?
Now it’s time for GM Theodore Long to make his first (and second, and third) holla of the night.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Kidman: Hi.
Long: Listen, Kidman, I’ve had it with you lately. You killed Chavo Guerrero, you don’t botch the shooting star press anymore, you got counted out tonight, and you keep CRYING. There’s no crying in baseball! Or wrestling for that matter!
Kidman: Sorry.
Long: And another thing! Your mic skills suck. London has an excuse because he’s only been around for a little while, but you’ve been around forever. Hell, I used to manage you in WCW in like 1996. How do you STILL not have mic skills?
Kidman: I dunno.
Long: Nnnngh! Look, playa, here’s how it’s gonna go down. At Uno Mercy, it’s going to be you and Paul London one-on-one in a Mic Skills on a Pole match. ONE of you is going to walk out of that match a little less poisonous on the stick. Now buleedat.
Kidman: ‘Kay.
Look, we’re still backstage. It’s my favorite place to be. Josh Mathews is interviewing Spike Dudley and Rey Mysterio.
Mathews: Let’s make this quick, I just saw Kurt Angle walk by and I’ve only got a minute or so before I lose sight of him.
Spike: Sure thing, Clay.
Mathews: On another day, that might bother me.
Spike: Alright, Rey. I know you want the Cruiserweight Title back because you ALWAYS have the Cruiserweight Title. But how about letting me hold onto it a little longer? For once in my life, I’m winning matches and my brothers are losing them. I kind of like that feeling.
Mysterio: Screw that. If I let someone else keep the title every time they wanted to, somebody like Tajiri or Chavo Guerrero would have that title. It’s MINE.
Spike: Come on! I really like this belt!
Kenzo Suzuki: Arrrr. Rey, me hearty. Ye be a scoundrel fer tryin’ to steal me treasure.
Mysterio: It was buried. I didn’t see your name on it.
Suzuki: Yarrr, I told Rene to write me name on it, but he fergot. ‘Tis still mine.
Mysterio: What IS it with people trying to keep me from taking their property? You fall down now!
Mysterio hits Kenzo with the microphone. Then he storms off to go throw a tantrum.
Mathews: Mmm…Kurt…
Spike: Oh no you DI-N’T!
SmackDown! Throwback: The Rock makes the Coach dance the Charleston. The name verb the name verb the name. Then he spews out catch phrases until Coach melts into a puddle of goo.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: Spike Dudley vs. Rey Mysterio
Rey is announced as being 185 pounds. There is no way that skinny little weasel weighs more than I do. Bubba Ray Dudley tries to stop Rey’s high-flying antics with a well-placed banana peel, but then D-Von slips on it instead. The referee doesn’t like slapstick, so he ejects both Dudleys from ringside. Spike is unhappy.
Spike: You’se lunkheads screwed up again!
Bubba & D-Von: We know, boss.
Spike: Now I gotta wrestle this match by myself!
Bubba & D-Von: Sorry, boss.
Spike: Bunch ‘a dopes!
(Spike knocks their heads together)
Bubba: OWW!
D-Von: OOO!
Now it’s finally time for some cruiserweight action! Rey bounces around the ring while Spike chases after him with a hammer. The referee follows them around for a couple of minutes, then he gets dizzy and falls over. ORTON WINS! But who will win the Cruiserweight Title? Funaki? No, definitely not Funaki. Spike tries to drop an anvil on Rey, but it’s too heavy and it lands on him instead. Then Team Frogger shows up and beats Rey with a stick. They also pull the anvil off Spike so Kenzo can use it as an anchor in his ship. Arrrr! Spike wins. Team Frogger goes to beat up Rey some more, but Rob Van Dam wanders out to the ring because he’s hoping Kenzo Suzuki will give him some Cap’n Crunch. But Kenzo won’t give him any, so RVD throws him out of the ring. Nobody will hook RVD up with any snacks. What’s up with that?
Backstage Without Big Show. Here’s Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Hasselhoff. Wow, it’s true what they say, the camera really DOES add 100 pounds.
Stephanie: My favorite SmackDown! moment? Geez, it’s so hard to pick one, every time I see a clip I just remember how hot I used to be. Maybe it was my tender scene with Kurt Angle…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Stephanie: Ow! My head! Stupid Triple H, knocking me off the apron…
Angle: Somebody call for an Olympic hero?
Stephanie: Right in here.
Background music: Bow-chicka-BOW-wow…
Angle: Hey, baby.
Stephanie: Hey, stud.
Angle: It’s getting awfully…hot in here, isn’t it?
Stephanie (removing her shirt): Ooh, yeah…
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
HHH: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Vince: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Mathews: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Kane: NOOOOOOOOOO!
HHH: Kane? What the hell are you doing here?
Kane: Practicing my “NOOOOOOOOOO!” I’m told the one I did on RAW wasn’t exceptionally convincing. Plus, it’s not like SmackDown! couldn’t use a little more Me.
Mathews: Besides, Hunter, it’s not like YOU have any business on SmackDown! yourself.
HHH: What? You don’t talk to me that way, even if you DID get runner-up in American Idol! Now get lost!
Mathews: (grumble grumble)
HHH: Steph, how could you?
Stephanie: Oh please. What are you going to do about it? You dump me, and you can kiss your pull GOOD-BYE.
HHH: (mutter mutter)
Stephanie: Now go fetch me a box of donuts.
HHH: Yes, dear.
Kane: Whh-KSHH!
HHH: That’s it! You’re jobbing to Test on Monday!
Kane: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Vince: Hey, that’s a lot better.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Long: Holla x3.
Kenzo: Ahoy, matey.
Long: So what’s up with you costing Rey Mysterio the Cruiserweight Title?
Kenzo: Yarrr. He took me booty. Now I’ll make him walk the plank.
Long: Well, I certainly know a thing or two about the booty. But you can’t just go around interfering in title matches and withholding Cap’n Crunch.
Kenzo: Arrrr! What be ye sayin’?
Long: At Uno Mercy, it’s going to be the two of you against Rey Mysterio and RVD. The Tag Team Titles and a box of Cap’n Crunch will be on the line.
Kenzo: Ye’ll rue the day ye crossed me, ye scalawag!
Dupree: I’m French!
Now it’s time for some Heidenreich-y goodness. Tazz asks Michael Cole about what happened last week, but the malignant spirit of Todd Pettengill won’t let Cole speak. Hey, there’s John Heidenreich backstage now! You know some crazy stuff is going to go down!
SmackDown! Throwback: Brock Lesnar and the Big Show break the ring with a superplex. Team Punch-Out!! explodes! God, I’m so depressed they got disbanded. Can’t they at least bring back Aran Ryan?
HANDICAP MATCH: Walker: Texas Undertaker vs. Gangrel & Viscera
JBL brings the Bradshawmobile to ringside for this match so he and Orlando Jordan can get a closer look.
Jordan: I don’t know. What if something happens to Gangrel and Viscera and we can’t send them back to 1999?
JBL: Not to worry. All they need to do is survive.
The bell rings. Walker: Texas Undertaker immediately kills Gangrel and Viscera.
JBL: SHOOT!
Jordan: Holy destructive time paradox, Bradshaw!
JBL: Alright, alright, no need to panic. Orlando, go find me Mordecai and Mark Henry.
Jordan: Right away, sir.
Undertaker: That’s two down. And guess what, Orlando? You’re next!
Orlando Jordan is immediately speared by Goldberg.
Undertaker: No, no, not NEXT next! Just next. Next for me.
Goldberg: Oh. Sorry.
Goldberg spears himself. JBL has no idea what’s going on. What will happen when these two meet at Uno Mercy? No, not JBL and Goldberg, JBL and Walker: Texas Undertaker. Sheesh. Pay attention, will you?
And hey, backstage, John Heidenreich has let himself into Vince McMahon’s office. I wonder if a malignant spirit lurks within Vince’s soul. If so, I hope it’s Outback Jack.
Heidenreich: Hey Vince.
Vince: What do you want? I’m trying to deal with a volatile daughter-sleeping-with-the-wrong-wrestler-related situation here.
Heidenreich: I just wanted to read you a poem.
Vince: Fine, go ahead. It might be soothing.
Heidenreich: Ahem.
THREE SIX NINE
DAMN GOOD TIME
MOVE IT TO ME SOCK IT TO ME ONE MORE TIME
GET LOW, GET LOW
GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW…
Vince: Let me guess. Little Johnny wrote that didn’t he.
Heidenreich (shyly): Maybe.
Vince: Are you sure that second line is “damn good time?” It doesn’t make sense to rhyme “time” with “time.”
Heidenreich: Look, YOU try learning the damn lyrics.
Vince: Get out of my office.
Heidenreich: Will do.
SCHOOLGIRL MATCH: Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson
Wait, it looks like Theodore Long is out to holla once or twice. Or possibly even three times.
Long: Holla holla holla. Listen, ladies, it goes like this. I, um, might have promised to give a couple of other ladies a spot on this show during one of my less proud drunken moments last night. So I’ve made this match a tag match. Try to deal with it.
SCHOOLGIRL TAG MATCH: Dawn Marie & Torrie Wilson vs. The Fabulous Moolah & Mae Young
Wow. A Moolah and Mae cameo. Now THIS is how I wanted to spend my Thursday night. And they’re all dressed as schoolgirls. How very clever. Maybe this match will turn into something out of “Battle Royale.” And I don’t mean the over-the-top-rope kind. Now THAT I’d like to see. Speaking of things I’d like to see, Mae Young grinding her 80-year-old crotch in Dawn Marie’s face is not one of them. Although I’ll bet Dawn has done much worse for much less money. ZING! I’m awesome. Moolah and Mae win. At least this time it wasn’t Victoria doing the job. She’s very busy practicing her dance moves on RAW so she can lose to Trish Stratus some more. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Backstage Without Big Show again. Our guest is Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Austin: My favorite SmackDown! moment? The one where I wasn’t doing the show after getting fired for a stupid licensing dispute. Ha-HA! Ol’ Stone Cold’s still got it. Let’s see here, favorite SmackDown! moment…well, there was that one in Iraq…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Austin: Where are your Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Saddam Hussein: I’ve told you, we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: How many times must I tell you, filthy American pig?
Austin: WHAT?
KICK WHAM STUNNER to Saddam!
Austin: And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so!
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Austin: At least, that’s what I remember happening. But to tell the truth, I was pretty hammered at the time.
And now it looks like Slim Cena is going to grace us with his rapping skills from atop a semi truck in the parking lot.
Cena: Yo yo yo yo YO YO YO—
Shane McMahon drives a limo into the side of the semi and Cena goes flying.
Cole: So, Tazz, let’s go over the card for Uno Mercy.
Tazz: I give it five seconds before someone interrupts.
Cole: I’ll take that bet.
Tazz: Well, first up we’ve got—
Angle: Hey! What’s going on here?
Cole: Three seconds! Pay up, you Oompa-Loompa-looking mofo!
Tazz: Damn.
Angle: What the hell? First nobody asks me about MY favorite SmackDown! moment, and then Stephanie reveals our secret tryst from four years ago? Vince is going to be SO far up my ass about this. I might as well just surrender all my backstage pull to Walker: Texas Undertaker right now. Well, fine. If I don’t get to talk about MY favorite SmackDown! moment, I’ll just CREATE one tonight! And it’ll be awesome! With…balloons, and midgets, and…and…cake! Yeah! And it’ll be better than all of yours! Jerks!
Mathews: Kurt! Kurt, is that you?
Angle: Crap. Gotta go. Back soon with classic SmackDown! moments.
Poor Kurt. But never fear, there’s another American hero here tonight to share HIS favorite SmackDown! moment, and he’s Backstage Without Big Show right now!
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’ve got a classic SmackDown! moment to share!
Hollywood Hogan: What are you doing here, dude? This is MY appearance, not yours. Now shoo.
Miller: (sigh)
Hogan: Why did I even get invited here? SmackDown! didn’t even exist during ANY of my proud moments. It’s actually responsible for a lot of shameful moments, in fact. My ill-fated title run, getting jobbed out to Brock Lesnar, the Mr. America lie detector test, that awful program with Rowdy Roddy Piper…oh hey! I can think of ONE good moment! It was me and a young, blonde pretty-boy against a couple of ambiguously gay wrestlers who’d been unsuccessful in all other gimmicks…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Hogan: Listen, brother. I’m really counting on you in this match.
Edge: You’re counting on ME? You mean it?
Hogan: Well sure. You know all about winning tag titles. Me, I mostly win World titles. You know, the important ones? The ones they remember you for?
Edge: Yes, I get the picture.
Hogan: One day, my boy, you might actually get one of those titles.
Edge: You think so?
Hogan: I sure do. And what do you think you’re going to do when that day comes?
Edge: Defend it against all comers?
Hogan: No! Lay down for me so I can have it!
Edge: Huh?
Hogan: Come on, don’t be a bad sport. Kevin Nash did it.
Edge: Whatever. Let’s just go beat up Chuck & Billy.
Hogan: Good plan. Let’s win those titles. I’ll probably get kicked off TV in a couple weeks anyway.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Hogan: Ahhhh those were the days. Well, anyway, back to the present. Who wants to hear my daughter sing?
Miller: Can I dance to it?
Hogan: Sure, go crazy.
Miller: Hoo ah!
Kurt Angle & Luther Reigns vs. Big Show & Eddie Guerrero
Big Show’s entrance video has clips from Day of Reckoning in it. What, is there not enough footage of him chokeslamming people in REAL matches? Or is it a requirement that all Big Show footage include his new Big Mullet? Big Show sees the screen and thinks he’s actually playing the game, so he starts looking around ringside for his Dual Shock controller. This leaves Eddie to fend for himself, but that’s okay, because Kurt is too busy setting up balloons and streamers to pay attention to the match, so it’s just Eddie and Luther Reigns. Eddie takes the advantage, but then he’s blinded by Angle’s shininess and Luther regains control of the match. Big Show notices Luther dominating the match and remembers how Luther didn’t give him any Chex Mix last week, so he goes on the offensive for about two seconds, after which point he sees the cake that Kurt has brought out and leaps for that instead. Angle enters the ring and goes after Eddie, but he slips on the cake and falls down. Frog splash by Eddie! But here’s Steve Jindrak. What the hell? Luther and Jindrak tie Eddie up with streamers. Big Show doesn’t know what to do, so he takes another hit off his 7’2”, 500-pound bong.
Big Show: WHOOAAAAA! I am SO messed up right now.
Angle: Yeah, man, you’re teetering.
Reigns: Look at how red his eyes are!
Jindrak: I’m on TV! Holy crap! How did that happen?
Big Show: Dude. You know what you guys should TOTALLY do?
Angle: What’s that?
Big Show: You should TOTALLY shave my head. It’ll be awesome!
Angle: Uh…okay.
Angle, Reigns and Jindrak shave Big Show’s head. WE-HEELLLLLL, IT’S THE BALD SHOW! But how will he react when he sobers up and realizes what has happened? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Big Show spends hours comparing his current haircut to his haircut in Day of Reckoning. John Heidenreich asks Jeff Hardy for some tips on writing poetry. Walker: Texas Undertaker kills Orlando Jordan, only to find out that it’s actually Virgil, kidnapped from 1989.
Vince McMahon: Howdy do. Hey, guess what? SmackDown! has been on TV for five years! And here in WWE, we’re all glad to provide the only good show UPN has had in that five-year span. Here’s to five more years, and to helping the fans forget that the show is named for a catch phrase used by a guy who only appears on WWE TV maybe three times a year and only pops up on the OTHER show. Good day.
Hey look, SmackDown! has a new intro sequence! All the superstars perform their finishing moves in front of the psychedelic backdrops from “That 70’s Show.” Isn’t that awesome.
Billy Kidman vs. Paul London
TEAM VELOCITY EXPLODES~! Wait, no, Kidman says he has to go get his list of instructions on how to correctly botch the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. He says he’ll be right back, but the referee totally reaches his ten-count before Billy has time to get back in the ring. What a jerk. Kidman is sad. Oh hey, here’s Booker T.
Booker: Shoot, this isn’t the buffet.
Paul London kicks Booker T in the face. Wheee! IMPROMPTU MATCH~!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Booker T vs. Paul London
Wow, that’s the fourth tilde I’ve used in just the first few paragraphs of this week’s satire. That’s it, I’m cut off. This show needs less tildes. And more…cilantro. HA you thought I was going to say more Kane, didn’t you. Well that’s something the old, tilde-overusing Garth would have done. The new Garth has plenty of Kane…for now. Paul London gets a bloody nose because he’s nervous to be in a match with the U.S. champion and he keeps picking it. Booker T tells Paul to pinch his nose and keep it elevated so the bleeding will stop. But then while he’s doing that Booker rolls him up to get the victory. That crafty Booker. He’s wearing his Hair Tie +2 to Intelligence tonight.
Booker: Now where’s that buffet?
London: On the bottom of my boot.
Booker: What? That doesn’t make any sense.
London: It means I’m going to kick you in the face.
Booker: Oh. Carry on, then.
London kicks Booker T in the face. Yahoo.
Now it’s time for Backstage With Big Show. This week, WWE legends talk about their favorite SmackDown! moments. Unfortunately, Big Show just sort of wandered off the set, so the superstars are there by themselves. Mick Foley is in the studio right now.
Foley: Wasn’t I retired by the time SmackDown! became a regular show? ‘Cause I really don’t remember ever being on the show. Oh wait, I seem to remember one time when I became Cactus Jack…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Foley: …Well Triple H, it’s time I introduced you to the man who’s going to take your title…Cactus Jack! BANG BANG!
HHH: Oh come on, Mick. Do you really expect the Cactus Jack schtick to work on me again? This is like the third time you’ve done it.
Foley: Is it? I don’t remember doing it before.
HHH: How can you not remember? It was against me the first time! Remember, 1997? Falls count anywhere? I jobbed to you like 83 times that year.
Foley: Ha, yeah, you jobbed to EVERYONE that year.
HHH: Well, I’ll have my revenge one day. One day, I’LL have all the power, and I’ll force everyone to job to ME!
Foley: That’s what they all say.
HHH: You’ll see. You’ll all see. And I’m going to start with YOU, Mick.
Foley: Right, I’ll keep that in mind. For now, I’m going to hit you in the face with this piece of lumber wrapped in barbed wire.
HHH: Oh, cool. Go for it.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Foley: Yeah, that was—wait, what was I talking about?
Now it’s time for GM Theodore Long to make his first (and second, and third) holla of the night.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Kidman: Hi.
Long: Listen, Kidman, I’ve had it with you lately. You killed Chavo Guerrero, you don’t botch the shooting star press anymore, you got counted out tonight, and you keep CRYING. There’s no crying in baseball! Or wrestling for that matter!
Kidman: Sorry.
Long: And another thing! Your mic skills suck. London has an excuse because he’s only been around for a little while, but you’ve been around forever. Hell, I used to manage you in WCW in like 1996. How do you STILL not have mic skills?
Kidman: I dunno.
Long: Nnnngh! Look, playa, here’s how it’s gonna go down. At Uno Mercy, it’s going to be you and Paul London one-on-one in a Mic Skills on a Pole match. ONE of you is going to walk out of that match a little less poisonous on the stick. Now buleedat.
Kidman: ‘Kay.
Look, we’re still backstage. It’s my favorite place to be. Josh Mathews is interviewing Spike Dudley and Rey Mysterio.
Mathews: Let’s make this quick, I just saw Kurt Angle walk by and I’ve only got a minute or so before I lose sight of him.
Spike: Sure thing, Clay.
Mathews: On another day, that might bother me.
Spike: Alright, Rey. I know you want the Cruiserweight Title back because you ALWAYS have the Cruiserweight Title. But how about letting me hold onto it a little longer? For once in my life, I’m winning matches and my brothers are losing them. I kind of like that feeling.
Mysterio: Screw that. If I let someone else keep the title every time they wanted to, somebody like Tajiri or Chavo Guerrero would have that title. It’s MINE.
Spike: Come on! I really like this belt!
Kenzo Suzuki: Arrrr. Rey, me hearty. Ye be a scoundrel fer tryin’ to steal me treasure.
Mysterio: It was buried. I didn’t see your name on it.
Suzuki: Yarrr, I told Rene to write me name on it, but he fergot. ‘Tis still mine.
Mysterio: What IS it with people trying to keep me from taking their property? You fall down now!
Mysterio hits Kenzo with the microphone. Then he storms off to go throw a tantrum.
Mathews: Mmm…Kurt…
Spike: Oh no you DI-N’T!
SmackDown! Throwback: The Rock makes the Coach dance the Charleston. The name verb the name verb the name. Then he spews out catch phrases until Coach melts into a puddle of goo.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: Spike Dudley vs. Rey Mysterio
Rey is announced as being 185 pounds. There is no way that skinny little weasel weighs more than I do. Bubba Ray Dudley tries to stop Rey’s high-flying antics with a well-placed banana peel, but then D-Von slips on it instead. The referee doesn’t like slapstick, so he ejects both Dudleys from ringside. Spike is unhappy.
Spike: You’se lunkheads screwed up again!
Bubba & D-Von: We know, boss.
Spike: Now I gotta wrestle this match by myself!
Bubba & D-Von: Sorry, boss.
Spike: Bunch ‘a dopes!
(Spike knocks their heads together)
Bubba: OWW!
D-Von: OOO!
Now it’s finally time for some cruiserweight action! Rey bounces around the ring while Spike chases after him with a hammer. The referee follows them around for a couple of minutes, then he gets dizzy and falls over. ORTON WINS! But who will win the Cruiserweight Title? Funaki? No, definitely not Funaki. Spike tries to drop an anvil on Rey, but it’s too heavy and it lands on him instead. Then Team Frogger shows up and beats Rey with a stick. They also pull the anvil off Spike so Kenzo can use it as an anchor in his ship. Arrrr! Spike wins. Team Frogger goes to beat up Rey some more, but Rob Van Dam wanders out to the ring because he’s hoping Kenzo Suzuki will give him some Cap’n Crunch. But Kenzo won’t give him any, so RVD throws him out of the ring. Nobody will hook RVD up with any snacks. What’s up with that?
Backstage Without Big Show. Here’s Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Hasselhoff. Wow, it’s true what they say, the camera really DOES add 100 pounds.
Stephanie: My favorite SmackDown! moment? Geez, it’s so hard to pick one, every time I see a clip I just remember how hot I used to be. Maybe it was my tender scene with Kurt Angle…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Stephanie: Ow! My head! Stupid Triple H, knocking me off the apron…
Angle: Somebody call for an Olympic hero?
Stephanie: Right in here.
Background music: Bow-chicka-BOW-wow…
Angle: Hey, baby.
Stephanie: Hey, stud.
Angle: It’s getting awfully…hot in here, isn’t it?
Stephanie (removing her shirt): Ooh, yeah…
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
HHH: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Vince: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Mathews: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Kane: NOOOOOOOOOO!
HHH: Kane? What the hell are you doing here?
Kane: Practicing my “NOOOOOOOOOO!” I’m told the one I did on RAW wasn’t exceptionally convincing. Plus, it’s not like SmackDown! couldn’t use a little more Me.
Mathews: Besides, Hunter, it’s not like YOU have any business on SmackDown! yourself.
HHH: What? You don’t talk to me that way, even if you DID get runner-up in American Idol! Now get lost!
Mathews: (grumble grumble)
HHH: Steph, how could you?
Stephanie: Oh please. What are you going to do about it? You dump me, and you can kiss your pull GOOD-BYE.
HHH: (mutter mutter)
Stephanie: Now go fetch me a box of donuts.
HHH: Yes, dear.
Kane: Whh-KSHH!
HHH: That’s it! You’re jobbing to Test on Monday!
Kane: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Vince: Hey, that’s a lot better.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Long: Holla x3.
Kenzo: Ahoy, matey.
Long: So what’s up with you costing Rey Mysterio the Cruiserweight Title?
Kenzo: Yarrr. He took me booty. Now I’ll make him walk the plank.
Long: Well, I certainly know a thing or two about the booty. But you can’t just go around interfering in title matches and withholding Cap’n Crunch.
Kenzo: Arrrr! What be ye sayin’?
Long: At Uno Mercy, it’s going to be the two of you against Rey Mysterio and RVD. The Tag Team Titles and a box of Cap’n Crunch will be on the line.
Kenzo: Ye’ll rue the day ye crossed me, ye scalawag!
Dupree: I’m French!
Now it’s time for some Heidenreich-y goodness. Tazz asks Michael Cole about what happened last week, but the malignant spirit of Todd Pettengill won’t let Cole speak. Hey, there’s John Heidenreich backstage now! You know some crazy stuff is going to go down!
SmackDown! Throwback: Brock Lesnar and the Big Show break the ring with a superplex. Team Punch-Out!! explodes! God, I’m so depressed they got disbanded. Can’t they at least bring back Aran Ryan?
HANDICAP MATCH: Walker: Texas Undertaker vs. Gangrel & Viscera
JBL brings the Bradshawmobile to ringside for this match so he and Orlando Jordan can get a closer look.
Jordan: I don’t know. What if something happens to Gangrel and Viscera and we can’t send them back to 1999?
JBL: Not to worry. All they need to do is survive.
The bell rings. Walker: Texas Undertaker immediately kills Gangrel and Viscera.
JBL: SHOOT!
Jordan: Holy destructive time paradox, Bradshaw!
JBL: Alright, alright, no need to panic. Orlando, go find me Mordecai and Mark Henry.
Jordan: Right away, sir.
Undertaker: That’s two down. And guess what, Orlando? You’re next!
Orlando Jordan is immediately speared by Goldberg.
Undertaker: No, no, not NEXT next! Just next. Next for me.
Goldberg: Oh. Sorry.
Goldberg spears himself. JBL has no idea what’s going on. What will happen when these two meet at Uno Mercy? No, not JBL and Goldberg, JBL and Walker: Texas Undertaker. Sheesh. Pay attention, will you?
And hey, backstage, John Heidenreich has let himself into Vince McMahon’s office. I wonder if a malignant spirit lurks within Vince’s soul. If so, I hope it’s Outback Jack.
Heidenreich: Hey Vince.
Vince: What do you want? I’m trying to deal with a volatile daughter-sleeping-with-the-wrong-wrestler-related situation here.
Heidenreich: I just wanted to read you a poem.
Vince: Fine, go ahead. It might be soothing.
Heidenreich: Ahem.
THREE SIX NINE
DAMN GOOD TIME
MOVE IT TO ME SOCK IT TO ME ONE MORE TIME
GET LOW, GET LOW
GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW…
Vince: Let me guess. Little Johnny wrote that didn’t he.
Heidenreich (shyly): Maybe.
Vince: Are you sure that second line is “damn good time?” It doesn’t make sense to rhyme “time” with “time.”
Heidenreich: Look, YOU try learning the damn lyrics.
Vince: Get out of my office.
Heidenreich: Will do.
SCHOOLGIRL MATCH: Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson
Wait, it looks like Theodore Long is out to holla once or twice. Or possibly even three times.
Long: Holla holla holla. Listen, ladies, it goes like this. I, um, might have promised to give a couple of other ladies a spot on this show during one of my less proud drunken moments last night. So I’ve made this match a tag match. Try to deal with it.
SCHOOLGIRL TAG MATCH: Dawn Marie & Torrie Wilson vs. The Fabulous Moolah & Mae Young
Wow. A Moolah and Mae cameo. Now THIS is how I wanted to spend my Thursday night. And they’re all dressed as schoolgirls. How very clever. Maybe this match will turn into something out of “Battle Royale.” And I don’t mean the over-the-top-rope kind. Now THAT I’d like to see. Speaking of things I’d like to see, Mae Young grinding her 80-year-old crotch in Dawn Marie’s face is not one of them. Although I’ll bet Dawn has done much worse for much less money. ZING! I’m awesome. Moolah and Mae win. At least this time it wasn’t Victoria doing the job. She’s very busy practicing her dance moves on RAW so she can lose to Trish Stratus some more. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Backstage Without Big Show again. Our guest is Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Austin: My favorite SmackDown! moment? The one where I wasn’t doing the show after getting fired for a stupid licensing dispute. Ha-HA! Ol’ Stone Cold’s still got it. Let’s see here, favorite SmackDown! moment…well, there was that one in Iraq…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Austin: Where are your Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Saddam Hussein: I’ve told you, we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: I said we don’t—
Austin: WHAT?
Saddam: How many times must I tell you, filthy American pig?
Austin: WHAT?
KICK WHAM STUNNER to Saddam!
Austin: And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so!
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Austin: At least, that’s what I remember happening. But to tell the truth, I was pretty hammered at the time.
And now it looks like Slim Cena is going to grace us with his rapping skills from atop a semi truck in the parking lot.
Cena: Yo yo yo yo YO YO YO—
Shane McMahon drives a limo into the side of the semi and Cena goes flying.
Cole: So, Tazz, let’s go over the card for Uno Mercy.
Tazz: I give it five seconds before someone interrupts.
Cole: I’ll take that bet.
Tazz: Well, first up we’ve got—
Angle: Hey! What’s going on here?
Cole: Three seconds! Pay up, you Oompa-Loompa-looking mofo!
Tazz: Damn.
Angle: What the hell? First nobody asks me about MY favorite SmackDown! moment, and then Stephanie reveals our secret tryst from four years ago? Vince is going to be SO far up my ass about this. I might as well just surrender all my backstage pull to Walker: Texas Undertaker right now. Well, fine. If I don’t get to talk about MY favorite SmackDown! moment, I’ll just CREATE one tonight! And it’ll be awesome! With…balloons, and midgets, and…and…cake! Yeah! And it’ll be better than all of yours! Jerks!
Mathews: Kurt! Kurt, is that you?
Angle: Crap. Gotta go. Back soon with classic SmackDown! moments.
Poor Kurt. But never fear, there’s another American hero here tonight to share HIS favorite SmackDown! moment, and he’s Backstage Without Big Show right now!
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’ve got a classic SmackDown! moment to share!
Hollywood Hogan: What are you doing here, dude? This is MY appearance, not yours. Now shoo.
Miller: (sigh)
Hogan: Why did I even get invited here? SmackDown! didn’t even exist during ANY of my proud moments. It’s actually responsible for a lot of shameful moments, in fact. My ill-fated title run, getting jobbed out to Brock Lesnar, the Mr. America lie detector test, that awful program with Rowdy Roddy Piper…oh hey! I can think of ONE good moment! It was me and a young, blonde pretty-boy against a couple of ambiguously gay wrestlers who’d been unsuccessful in all other gimmicks…
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Hogan: Listen, brother. I’m really counting on you in this match.
Edge: You’re counting on ME? You mean it?
Hogan: Well sure. You know all about winning tag titles. Me, I mostly win World titles. You know, the important ones? The ones they remember you for?
Edge: Yes, I get the picture.
Hogan: One day, my boy, you might actually get one of those titles.
Edge: You think so?
Hogan: I sure do. And what do you think you’re going to do when that day comes?
Edge: Defend it against all comers?
Hogan: No! Lay down for me so I can have it!
Edge: Huh?
Hogan: Come on, don’t be a bad sport. Kevin Nash did it.
Edge: Whatever. Let’s just go beat up Chuck & Billy.
Hogan: Good plan. Let’s win those titles. I’ll probably get kicked off TV in a couple weeks anyway.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Hogan: Ahhhh those were the days. Well, anyway, back to the present. Who wants to hear my daughter sing?
Miller: Can I dance to it?
Hogan: Sure, go crazy.
Miller: Hoo ah!
Kurt Angle & Luther Reigns vs. Big Show & Eddie Guerrero
Big Show’s entrance video has clips from Day of Reckoning in it. What, is there not enough footage of him chokeslamming people in REAL matches? Or is it a requirement that all Big Show footage include his new Big Mullet? Big Show sees the screen and thinks he’s actually playing the game, so he starts looking around ringside for his Dual Shock controller. This leaves Eddie to fend for himself, but that’s okay, because Kurt is too busy setting up balloons and streamers to pay attention to the match, so it’s just Eddie and Luther Reigns. Eddie takes the advantage, but then he’s blinded by Angle’s shininess and Luther regains control of the match. Big Show notices Luther dominating the match and remembers how Luther didn’t give him any Chex Mix last week, so he goes on the offensive for about two seconds, after which point he sees the cake that Kurt has brought out and leaps for that instead. Angle enters the ring and goes after Eddie, but he slips on the cake and falls down. Frog splash by Eddie! But here’s Steve Jindrak. What the hell? Luther and Jindrak tie Eddie up with streamers. Big Show doesn’t know what to do, so he takes another hit off his 7’2”, 500-pound bong.
Big Show: WHOOAAAAA! I am SO messed up right now.
Angle: Yeah, man, you’re teetering.
Reigns: Look at how red his eyes are!
Jindrak: I’m on TV! Holy crap! How did that happen?
Big Show: Dude. You know what you guys should TOTALLY do?
Angle: What’s that?
Big Show: You should TOTALLY shave my head. It’ll be awesome!
Angle: Uh…okay.
Angle, Reigns and Jindrak shave Big Show’s head. WE-HEELLLLLL, IT’S THE BALD SHOW! But how will he react when he sobers up and realizes what has happened? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Big Show spends hours comparing his current haircut to his haircut in Day of Reckoning. John Heidenreich asks Jeff Hardy for some tips on writing poetry. Walker: Texas Undertaker kills Orlando Jordan, only to find out that it’s actually Virgil, kidnapped from 1989.