I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
((CUTTO: In the ring.))
RING ANNOUNCER: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is a triple threat match! Already in the ring … BP LIGHTNING!
VIC WATERS: I was sitting around earlier today really thinking about this match … and I’ve decided, not even knowing who the mystery man is, he is going to win.
JONATHAN MARX: What surprises me, Vic, is that you actually had a thought.
VIC WATERS: They come unexpectedly. But what can I say really? It’s a gift I have.
((CUEUP: “Barroom Heroes” by Dropkick Murphys. The crowd pops as Pat Gordon steps onto the rampway.))
VIC WATERS: I mean look at Gordon. The guys about 200 years old, has knees that are about as reliable as a Ford, and probably couldn’t make it to the top rope if his life depended on it.
RING ANNOUNCER: His opponent .. hailing from Boston, Massachusetts … PAT GORDON!
BRANDON JACOBS: Well this should be an incredible match despite what Vic might think. From what we saw leading up to the Superbowl of Wrestling all three men seemed eager to step into the ring with one another .. and whoever this Mystery Man is, he’s going to have his hands full with BP Lightning and Pat Gordon!
((The lights go out.))
JONATHAN MARX: Here we go..
VIC WATERS: Did WFW forget to pay the utilities bill again? I swear, sometimes you’d think that this place was being run by a five year old…
((The lights come back on. The crowd POPS HUGE as a familiar face stands in the ring behind BP Lightning.))
BRANDON JACOBS: Oh .. my ..”
VIC WATERS: LOST WORLDS!! LOST WORLDS HAS COME TO WFW FOR SUPERBOWL OF WRESTLING!
JONATHAN MARX: I haven’t seen him in a ring in ages!
BRANDON JACOBS: And Lost Worlds just leveled BP Lightning with a clothesline from behind! The ring announcer almost got nailed in the process!
((SFX: Bell rings.))
BRANDON JACOBS: And this match is underway!
JONATHAN MARX: I’m going to have to say that Vic’s call of the match earlier could be a real possibility. Lost Worlds is definitely talented enough. I’m shocked he’s here to be honest.
VIC WATERS: Lost Worlds is going to annihilate those two!
BRANDON JACOBS: Lost Worlds grabs BP Lightning from the mat … and he whips him into the corner! Now Lost Worlds is driving the knee right into the gut of BP Lightning … and here comes Pat Gordon!
JONATHAN MARX: Gordon doesn’t want to let Lost Worlds have all the fun.
VIC WATERS: By the time that crickety old fart gets over to the corner, Lost Worlds will already have won the match, showered, and be on a plane back to his house!
JONATHAN MARX: That’s an exaggeration if I ever heard one … Gordon is in the corner with Lost Worlds … and he grabs his head! Gordon now grabbing BP Lightning by the head … and he slams them together!
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon not wasting any time as he follows Lost Worlds out from the corner .. AND HE GRABS HIS HEAD ON THE WAY DOWN TO THE MAT WITH THE BULLDOG!
VIC WATERS: Wait a minute! Pat Gordon can’t do that!
JONATHAN MARX: Of course he can. This is a wrestling match.
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon gets to his feet … but BP Lightning charges out of the corner! Lightning wit.. NO! Pat Gordon catches Lightning with a hip toss! BP Lightning quickly back to his feet .. but Gordon catches him with a dropkick square in the jaw!
VIC WATERS: There must be an angel in the arena … Gordon was more than a foot off the ground… but he might have broken his hip!
JONATHAN MARX: You’re on a roll tonight, aren’t you?
VIC WATERS: HELP! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon now grabbing Lost Worlds as he gets to his feet … but Lost Worlds with a shot to the gut. Gordon comes back .. and Lost Worlds with another one! Lost Worlds now back on his feet … and he thumbs Gordon in the eye!
JONATHAN MARX: Lost Worlds hasn’t changed one bit it seems.
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon trying to regain some sense of vision, but Lost Worlds not giving him the opportunity as he slips behind and grabs the arms of the Bostonian. Lost Worlds locks his knuckles behind the neck, and he’s got the full nelson applied!
VIC WATERS: Look at Pat Gordon grimace in pain! He shou.. wait! Did he just submit? I think he did!
JONATHAN MARX: He did nothing of the sort, Vic.
VIC WATERS: No, I could have sworn that I saw him cry out ‘I give up! I can’t take this punishment anymore! Save me.’
BRANDON JACOBS: Oh please. The referee asking Gordon if he wants to submit, but Gordon is saying no. Lost Worlds shakes him around a little … but now BP Lightning is up! Lightning sneaking past the side of Lost Worlds .. and he’s coming up from behind! AND NOW BP LIGHTNING APPLIES A SLEEPER ON LOST WORLDS! Lightning with the sleeper on Lost Worlds while he has a full nelson on Pat Gordon!
JONATHAN MARX: Smart move by BP Lightning. Lost Worlds has already exerted tons of energy on keeping the full nelson locked in .. and now he has to deal with a sleeper, too.
VIC WATERS: BP Lightning is cheap. Attacking Lost Worlds when he’s in the middle of something else!
BRANDON JACOBS: BP Lightning has the sleeper locked on pretty tight … and the referee is keeping a close eye on Gordon and Lost Worlds now!
VIC WATERS: The referee should focus on Gordon .. I mean, he’s already missing him giving up!
BRANDON JACOBS: And it looks like the sleeper is having some effect on Lost Worlds as he has stopped shaking Pat Gordon from side to side … and now it looks as if his grip on the full nelson is loosening!
JONATHAN MARX: It is hard enough trying to keep a full nelson locked on .. you can only imagine the difficulty doing it while you’re having the air choked out of you.
VIC WATERS: See! BP Lightning is choking him!
JONATHAN MARX: It is a figure of speech, Vic .. Lightning’s sleeper looks completely legal from my vantage point.
VIC WATERS: You need glasses.
JONATHAN MARX: Only for reading.
BRANDON JACOBS: AND FINALLY LOST WORLDS RELEASES GORDON! Lost Worlds now beginning to slump to the mat .. and BP Lightning goes down to one knee with him. The referee now over to Lost Worlds’ side as Pat Gordon lies on the mat next to them. The referee lifts up Lost Worlds’ arm … and it falls! The referee lifts it up a second time .. and it falls again!
JONATHAN MARX: Trying to maintain the full nelson definitely took a lot out of Lost Worlds it seems.
BRANDON JACOBS: But Lost Worlds manages to keep his arm up on the referee’s third attempt … and now he’s trying to fight back to his feet!
VIC WATERS: Look at the fire burning inside Lost Worlds! Pat Gordon is a gimp on the mat … and BP Lightning is about to be a gimp in pile of his own vomit once Lost Worlds breaks free!
BRANDON JACOBS: Lost Worlds fighting now .. and he jams the elbow into the stomach! One more time … and he’s broken the sleeper! Lost Worlds sends BP Lightning into the ropes …. BUT LIGHTNING COMES BACK AND LOCKS ON THE SLEEPER AGAIN!
VIC WATERS: You mean that choke!
JONATHAN MARX: Lost Worlds quickly down to one knee .. that break wasn’t enough to catch his breath.
BRANDON JACOBS: Lightning applying a lot of pressure as he stands on his feet behind the kneed Lost Wor……….. BUT PAT GORDON OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A CLOTHESLINE! Gordon just leveled BP Lightning with that clothesline!
VIC WATERS: Where did he come from? I thought he was on the mat!
JONATHAN MARX: Gordon took the time to catch his breath, and it would seem as if he’s got a second wind now!
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon grabs BP Lightning .. AND HE TOSSES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE!
VIC WATERS: Disqualify Gordon and declare Lost Worlds the winner!
BRANDON JACOBS: It’s not that easy, Vic.
VIC WATERS: He’s facing Pat Gordon .. of course it’s that easy! Here I’ll do it!
JONATHAN MARX: I don’t think the ring announcer would like you infringing on his duties, Vic.
BRANDON JACOBS: Pat Gordon turns around and heads for Lost Worlds … and he makes the cover! ONE …………… TW—NO! Lost Worlds kicked out.
JONATHAN MARX: Lost Worlds got some time to recover from the sleeperhold .. but you can’t blame Gordon for trying.
VIC WATERS: I could blame Pat Gordon for a number of things actually. Like Walker, Texas Ranger. Pat Gordon is responsible for that horrible show.
JONATHAN MARX: I hope Pat Gordon wins tonight just to shut you up.
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon grabs Lost Worlds and brings him to his feet .. kick to the gut … and Gordon hits the Après-vie DDT!!
JONATHAN MARX: But before Gordon could even cover BP Lightning is back in the ring .. and he pulled Gordon to his feet! BP Lightning with some reverse knife edge chops …
CROWD: WOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!
JONATHAN MARX: And he’s backing Gordon back into the far corner!
BRANDON JACOBS: BP Lighning really nailing those chops .. look at how red Gordon’s chest is getting. But Pat Gordon reverses the hold… and now he’s chopping away on BP Lightning!
CROWD: WOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!
JONATHAN MARX: And BP Lightning reverses THAT! BP Lightning quickly hops onto the legs of Pat Gordon .. AND MONKEY FLIPS HIM OUT OF THE CORNER!
BRANDON JACOBS: And Gordon slams right into Lost Worlds! Lost Worlds was starting to get to his feet .. but Gordon was flung right on top of him! ONE …………. TWO ……………….. THREE …….. NOOOO!! BP Lightning turned and saw what he did … and he managed to break up the pinfall!
VIC WATERS: Just imagine that .. BP Lightning would have been the cause of his own loss … what a numbnut.
BRANDON JACOBS: BP Lightning grabs Pat Gordon ….. BUT GORDON BLOCKS THE RIGHT HAND! AND GORDON WITH AN ELBOW TO THE HEAD! Pat Gordon with a butterfly suplex!
VIC WATERS: But Lost Worlds is back up! Lost Worlds is back up!
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon is about to be blindsided by Lost Worlds … AND LOST WORLDS WITH A RUNNING KNEE SENDS PAT GORDON FLYING THROUGH THE ROPES TO THE ARENA FLOOR!
VIC WATERS: That’s what I like to see!
JONATHAN MARX: Lost Worlds just slid to the outside after Gordon .. and they’re going to battle it out down there!
BRANDON JACOBS: Pat Gordon is starting to get to his feet .. but Lost Worlds is right there! Lost Worlds with a European uppercut sends Gordon down to one knee! Gordon still fighting though .. and he’s getting back to his feet! Lost Worlds locks up with him…
VIC WATERS: INCOMING!!!
(SFX: CROWD POPS)
BRANDON JACOBS: AND BP LIGHTNING JUST CATAPULTED HIMSELF OVER THE TOP ROPE AND NAILED BOTH MEN WITH A FLYING CROSSBODY!!! All three men are on the arena floor .. and the referee starts the count!
JONATHAN MARX: BP Lightning saw that both men were distracted .. and he took advantage of it. Beautiful move there, but that obviously took a lot out of him as well.
VIC WATERS: Yea, but the good news is that Gordon smashed his knee on the guardrail, and now he’s lying on the floor holding it in pain!
JONATHAN MARX: How is that good news?
VIC WATERS: Because that will just make the inevitable happen even quicker! Gordon won’t be able to keep up with Lost Worlds anymore .. not to say that he could in the first place, but still.
BRANDON JACOBS: This is the Superbowl of Wrestling, Vic..
VIC WATERS: And?
BRANDON JACOBS: Pat Gordon is going to get up .. he’s going to continue on with this match. If you think he’s going to just lie there, on the biggest show of the year, then you’re wrong!
JONATHAN MARX: BP Lightning getting to his feet .. and he grabs Lost Worlds; and he just irish whipped him right into the guardrail!
BRANDON JACOBS: Lightning follows in … BUT LOST WORLDS PUT UP THE FOOT! Lightning runs face first into the boot of Lost Worlds… AND NOW LOST WORLDS FROM BEHIND! He spins him around … MY GOD A JUMPING DDT ONTO THE ARENA FLOOR!
JONATHAN MARX: Lost Worlds not able to capitalize, though.. he’s on the floor, too.
BRANDON JACOBS: Tough break for BP Lightning … after flying into both men and then whipping Lost Worlds into the guardrail, it looked as if he was going to make a real run for the victory.
VIC WATERS: Lost Worlds is too talented, Jacobs.
VIC WATERS: I DON’T BELIEVE IT.
JONATHAN MARX: Pat Gordon is getting to his feet!! Gordon is up .. BUT HE’s LIMPING BAD!
BRANDON JACOBS: BP Lightning hit him and caused him to nail that knee against the guardrail earlier..
VIC WATERS: And with half his body already beginning to fossilize, that should have been the deathknell!
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon grabs BP Lightning … AND HE ROLLS HIM INTO THE RING!
JONATHAN MARX: If I were Gordon, I’d be more focused on Lost Worlds .. but I am not sure that he even knows what just happened a few moments ago.
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon rolls into the ring …
VIC WATERS: LOST WORLDS GRABS HIS LEG!
JONATHAN MARX: Lost Worlds has a hold of Gordon’s leg .. and he drags him back out to the floor! Lost Worlds now with a kick to the knee … but Gordon rolls out of the way!
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon able to protect that knee for now … Lost Worlds comes down with an elbow drop … but Gordon rolls out of the way again!
VIC WATERS: No! Lost Worlds just hit his elbow on the floor!
BRANDON JACOBS: Pat Gordon grabbing desperately at the guardrail .. and he pulls himself up! Lost Worlds getting up holding his elbow …
BRANDON JACOBS: AND GORDON DRIVES LOST WORLDS BODY BACKWARDS INTO THE SIDE OF THE RING APRON!! Lost Worlds just had his back slapped against the top of the apron … and he goes down! AND PAT GORDON PULLS HIMSELF UP ON THE APRON!
JONATHAN MARX: But BP Lightning is there! Lightning with a shot to the face … and that sends Gordon to the apron! BP Lightning darts towards the far ropes, bounces off … AND SENDS GORDON FLYING OFF THE APRON WITH A BASEBALL SLIDE!
VIC WATERS: I think I just saw Gordon’s back crack into two halves …
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon hit his back against the guardrail .. and BP Lightning grabs onto the top rop.. no .. he’s just headed towards the far ropes again .. now what is he up to?
VIC WATERS: He’s going to finally finish off Pat Gordon! Now this is what I like to see at Superbowl of Wrestling!
BRANDON JACOBS: Lightning against the far ropes and charges…
JONATHAN MARX: Pat Gordon is still on the floo…
BRANDON JACOBS: LOST WORLDS JUST HOPPED UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND PULLED DOWN THE TOP ROPE!! BP Lightning flies upside down and falls to the arena floor!!
JONATHAN MARX: Lost Worlds was waiting for the right moment, and boy was that ever the right moment!
BRANDON JACOBS: Lost Worlds grabs Lightning by the head and rolls him in .. and he follows in afterwards …. AND NOW LOST WORLDS IS CALLING FOR THE END OF THIS MATCH! Lost Worlds standing against the ropes with his arms high in the air … and now he has BP Lightning … Lost Worlds …
JONATHAN MARX: BUT GORDON IS BACK UP!!
VIC WATERS: Will someone put Old Yeller to sleep already?!
BRANDON JACOBS: Lost Worlds grabs the tights of BP Lightning …. BUT PAT GORDON IS ON THE APRON!!
VIC WATERS: COME ON!
BRANDON JACOBS: Lost Worlds with his arm in the air .. and he doesn’t see Gordon!
JONATHAN MARX: Pat Gordon … he’s sizing Lost Worlds up!
BRANDON JACOBS: AND PAT GORDON GRABS LOST WORLDS FROM BEHIND! Gordon … GORDON BENDS HIM BACKWARDS OVER THE TOP ROPE ………… MY GOD!!
JONATHAN MARX: Gordon just sent Lost Worlds up and over with a reverse suplex!! Lost Worlds is on the arena floor … and I don’t think he’ll be getting up!
VIC WATERS: This isn’t fair! Lost Worlds was about to end this thing!
JONATHAN MARX: But he didn’t .. and that’s all that matters right now, Vic!
BRANDON JACOBS: Pat Gordon steps into the ring .. HE IS BRINGING BP LIGHTNING TO HIS FEET!
JONATHAN MARX: Could Gordon be going for the Coup de Grace?
BRANDON JACOBS: Gordon now placing the head of Lightning between his legs … and I think …. YES! YES! Gordon with the Double Underhook piledriver that he calls the Coup de Grace!!
JONATHAN MARX: Gordon makes the cover ………… ONE …………….. TWO …………………. THREE!!!
(SFX: Bell rings, FANS POP HUGE!)
BRANDON JACOBS: He did it! Pat Gordon is over 50 years old … and at Superbowl of Wrestling he defeated not one man … but two!!
VIC WATERS: I’m going to be sick now.
RING ANNOUNCER: The winner of this match by pinfall ………………..
((CUEUP: “Barroom Heroes” by Dropkick Murphy’s…))
RING ANNOUNCER: PPPPPPPPATTTTTTTT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
JONATHAN MARX: What a match … BP Lightning … and especially Lost Worlds, who came out of retirement for this match, put on an incredible display .. but Pat Gordon comes out on top …
BRANDON JACOBS: He deserved it! We will be back right after this for Unnamed Bastard vs. Hacker, our last non title match of the evening before we get into the thick of things. STAY TUNED!