[Surge] No Cheating Match: Mary-Lynn Mayweather vs. Eddie Whisky
- Thread starter Stalker
- Start date
Showtime
League Member
The Key Arena. It's been a long time since Eddie Whisky has worked at such a big venue, as he's become more accustomed to community centers, high school gyms and minor hockey rinks. As such, he looks a little lost walking though the bowels of the aforementioned Key Arena.
Eddie Whisky: Once upon a time I'd have a personal assistant to carry my crap and drive me to my dressing room in a golf cart! I can't believe I am still reduced to carrying my own bags!
Eddie stares at a pillar in the hopes that it will turn into a "you are here" directory. His hope proves futile, as he walks on with a scowl on his face.
EW: So after all I've done for the IWF, all the bums I put in the proverbial seats all the pre-ordered tickets and fine quality IWF merchandise I've sold, I am still the low man on the totem pole. This sort of injustice is starting to become endemic in the IWF!
Eddie looks at another pillar, this time a cryptic 'E14' is painted on it. Eddie rifles through his pockets, pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper, reads it and shakes his head again.
EW: And what the hell! I've been walking around this blasted arena for two days looking for my dressing room! I am starting to get hungry! And Mary-Lynn Mayweather, when I get hungry I get angry! And when I get angry, I get careless! You won't like me when I'm careless! People get hurt inadvertently when I'm careless!
Eddie kicks the pillar, gets no reaction from it, then stalks off again.
EW: Injustice, Mary-Lynn Mayweather. It's become the calling card of my tenure in the IWF! Time and time again through your shenanigans and dirty-dealings I have been robbed of the wins I so rightly deserve. I should be the one fighting at Surge for the IWF title, and with me as the IWF champion, this jerkwater backyard company will finally have a sheen of legitimacy!
Eddie continues to search the corridors of the Key Arena. He sees the occasional event staff, but most of them scurry out of the way when this 6'6" rageface walks near.
EW: But because you are so selfish, "MLM" the IWF continues to stagnate! We could be on prime time television, not some late-night slot on ESEN! But because you selfishly put the needs of the you overthe needs of the IWF and continues to steal wins from me, I will not be considered the rightful number-1 contender! Way to go Mary-Lynn! Because you can't stand to lose to Eddie Whisky-which is me-fair and square, everyone suffers! Some people have no care except for themselves.
Eddie shakes his head in disgust.
EW: But in your quest to constantly cheat, YOU MADE A FATAL MISTAKE! Thinking that you can genuinely beat me now, forgetting that you always have to cheat to win, you arrogantly made our big match at Surge a no-cheating match! With instant replays no less! Well the joke is on you Mary-Lynn Mayweather! I never have to cheat to me! Especially against you! But you! You have never gotten a win against me without cheating!
Eddie finally manages to corner a terrified Key Arena staff member.
EW: Hey! Where the hell is my dressing room?
Key Arena Staff: I'm sorry?
EW: Yes, and you should be! I accept your apology.
KAS: Uh?
EW: Yes, I am Eddie Whisky! Quit acting so starstruck and tell me where my dressing room is! I need to use the toilet!
KAS: Do you have an event pass?
EW: Look, spare me your jargon... [reading name tag] ... See-anne. I just want to know where I go to put on my clothes!
KAS: My name is Sean.
Eddie gets a confused look on his face.
EW: I didn't ask you what your name was! Is everyone in this world stupid but me?
Key Arena Staff Member Who is Apparently Named Sean: Everyone who is involved in Key Arena events has to have a security pass. Otherwise you're a terrorist.
EW: I'm Eddie Whisky! I don't need any ID pass cuz I am instantly recognizable! Wait...
Sean the hapless Key Arena staff member slowly inches away from Eddie.
EW: ...You're in on this! So Mary-Lynn Mayweather has you doing her dirty work now! Well the joke's on you See-Anne! Even if I wet myself and have to wrestle without clothes on I can beat her! So your plan has failed!
Eddie begins to laugh madly, while Sean mumbles something into his radio. A moment later, a pair of burly Key Arena security personnel appear.
Security #1: Sir, could you come with us please?
Eddie knees the first guard in the groin and runs off in the other direction.
EW: Just once! Just once I'd like to arrive for a match and not get pepper-sprayed!
As the first guard topples over slowly, his companion whips of a small canister and gives chase.
Security #2: Stop! I have not actual authority but I took a 30-minute course on chokeholds!
Sean shrugs and returns to his work.
Sean: I knew who he was, I just think he's a douche.
Fade...
Eddie Whisky: Once upon a time I'd have a personal assistant to carry my crap and drive me to my dressing room in a golf cart! I can't believe I am still reduced to carrying my own bags!
Eddie stares at a pillar in the hopes that it will turn into a "you are here" directory. His hope proves futile, as he walks on with a scowl on his face.
EW: So after all I've done for the IWF, all the bums I put in the proverbial seats all the pre-ordered tickets and fine quality IWF merchandise I've sold, I am still the low man on the totem pole. This sort of injustice is starting to become endemic in the IWF!
Eddie looks at another pillar, this time a cryptic 'E14' is painted on it. Eddie rifles through his pockets, pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper, reads it and shakes his head again.
EW: And what the hell! I've been walking around this blasted arena for two days looking for my dressing room! I am starting to get hungry! And Mary-Lynn Mayweather, when I get hungry I get angry! And when I get angry, I get careless! You won't like me when I'm careless! People get hurt inadvertently when I'm careless!
Eddie kicks the pillar, gets no reaction from it, then stalks off again.
EW: Injustice, Mary-Lynn Mayweather. It's become the calling card of my tenure in the IWF! Time and time again through your shenanigans and dirty-dealings I have been robbed of the wins I so rightly deserve. I should be the one fighting at Surge for the IWF title, and with me as the IWF champion, this jerkwater backyard company will finally have a sheen of legitimacy!
Eddie continues to search the corridors of the Key Arena. He sees the occasional event staff, but most of them scurry out of the way when this 6'6" rageface walks near.
EW: But because you are so selfish, "MLM" the IWF continues to stagnate! We could be on prime time television, not some late-night slot on ESEN! But because you selfishly put the needs of the you overthe needs of the IWF and continues to steal wins from me, I will not be considered the rightful number-1 contender! Way to go Mary-Lynn! Because you can't stand to lose to Eddie Whisky-which is me-fair and square, everyone suffers! Some people have no care except for themselves.
Eddie shakes his head in disgust.
EW: But in your quest to constantly cheat, YOU MADE A FATAL MISTAKE! Thinking that you can genuinely beat me now, forgetting that you always have to cheat to win, you arrogantly made our big match at Surge a no-cheating match! With instant replays no less! Well the joke is on you Mary-Lynn Mayweather! I never have to cheat to me! Especially against you! But you! You have never gotten a win against me without cheating!
Eddie finally manages to corner a terrified Key Arena staff member.
EW: Hey! Where the hell is my dressing room?
Key Arena Staff: I'm sorry?
EW: Yes, and you should be! I accept your apology.
KAS: Uh?
EW: Yes, I am Eddie Whisky! Quit acting so starstruck and tell me where my dressing room is! I need to use the toilet!
KAS: Do you have an event pass?
EW: Look, spare me your jargon... [reading name tag] ... See-anne. I just want to know where I go to put on my clothes!
KAS: My name is Sean.
Eddie gets a confused look on his face.
EW: I didn't ask you what your name was! Is everyone in this world stupid but me?
Key Arena Staff Member Who is Apparently Named Sean: Everyone who is involved in Key Arena events has to have a security pass. Otherwise you're a terrorist.
EW: I'm Eddie Whisky! I don't need any ID pass cuz I am instantly recognizable! Wait...
Sean the hapless Key Arena staff member slowly inches away from Eddie.
EW: ...You're in on this! So Mary-Lynn Mayweather has you doing her dirty work now! Well the joke's on you See-Anne! Even if I wet myself and have to wrestle without clothes on I can beat her! So your plan has failed!
Eddie begins to laugh madly, while Sean mumbles something into his radio. A moment later, a pair of burly Key Arena security personnel appear.
Security #1: Sir, could you come with us please?
Eddie knees the first guard in the groin and runs off in the other direction.
EW: Just once! Just once I'd like to arrive for a match and not get pepper-sprayed!
As the first guard topples over slowly, his companion whips of a small canister and gives chase.
Security #2: Stop! I have not actual authority but I took a 30-minute course on chokeholds!
Sean shrugs and returns to his work.
Sean: I knew who he was, I just think he's a douche.
Fade...
- Joined
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(FADEIN : Mary-Lynn Mayweather stands outside the key area. She wears her trademark skirt suit and emerald glasses. She has a solemn look on her face and her posture is not as bright as it usually is. She sighs.)
MARY-LYNN: Eddie Whisky, how did it come to this?
(Mayweather kicks a pebble and begins to strafe across camera, right to left. The camera follows, keeping the Key West Arena in the background.)
MARY-LYNN: I don't know if you know this about me Eddie, but I'm not in the game of professional wrestling for senseless conflict. I get my fill of that with my family. And that's what this is. A senseless, imagined conflict.
(Mayweather shrugs her shoulders.)
MARY-LYNN: I guess I could have just let you beat me the first time out, took a dive. Would have made this way easier, but that's not the kind of person I am. Neither am I the kind of person to cheat, to lie, to steal to get ahead. I am not Eddie Guerrero, in fact the only professional wrestler I know who is the more polar opposite to Eddie would be Impulse. It's strange to be called the plucky underdog, the tiny attorney, Ms. Goodey-Two-Shoes for the majority of your life, only for Eddie Whisky to try and skew my entire life perspective to that of a nefarious criminal mastermind.
(Mayweather smiles.)
MARY-LYNN: It's not going to work. You know what LAWYERS like myself call your baseless accusations?
(Mayweather stops walking, staring directly into the camera.)
MARY-LYNN: Libel.
(Mayweather continues to walk around the arena's parking lot.)
MARY-LYNN: Do you know what the punishment for libel is in the great state of Washington here in the United States? There actually isn't one anymore. It was repealed in 2009. But I bet you were going to expect me to file a court injunction and try to take your honda civic and your pop tarts, but that's not the type of girl I am. I don't make baseless accussations. I have no case in Seattle. I have no problem with that. Because I am going to do what I've been doing since I got to the IWF. Make my case in the ring.
(Mayweather raises her head and shoulders broaden, her confidence rising with every word.)
MARY-LYNN: I may not be the fastest, I may not be the strongest, I may not be, well, no, I am the smartest. But most of all, I am the cageist. Yet I don't have to resort to courtroom litigation to defeat you Mr. Whisky. I don't even have to resort to cheating to pin you one, two, three. I've already done it twice.
(Mayweather half smiles.)
MARY-LYNN: How hard could it be to do it again?
(Mary-Lynn walks off as the camera remains stationary.)
MARY-LYNN: Oh, and make sure to find your dressing room at Surge. I don't want any more excuses!
(As Mayweather walks off into the empty parking lot, the camera FADES TO BLACK.)
MARY-LYNN: Eddie Whisky, how did it come to this?
(Mayweather kicks a pebble and begins to strafe across camera, right to left. The camera follows, keeping the Key West Arena in the background.)
MARY-LYNN: I don't know if you know this about me Eddie, but I'm not in the game of professional wrestling for senseless conflict. I get my fill of that with my family. And that's what this is. A senseless, imagined conflict.
(Mayweather shrugs her shoulders.)
MARY-LYNN: I guess I could have just let you beat me the first time out, took a dive. Would have made this way easier, but that's not the kind of person I am. Neither am I the kind of person to cheat, to lie, to steal to get ahead. I am not Eddie Guerrero, in fact the only professional wrestler I know who is the more polar opposite to Eddie would be Impulse. It's strange to be called the plucky underdog, the tiny attorney, Ms. Goodey-Two-Shoes for the majority of your life, only for Eddie Whisky to try and skew my entire life perspective to that of a nefarious criminal mastermind.
(Mayweather smiles.)
MARY-LYNN: It's not going to work. You know what LAWYERS like myself call your baseless accusations?
(Mayweather stops walking, staring directly into the camera.)
MARY-LYNN: Libel.
(Mayweather continues to walk around the arena's parking lot.)
MARY-LYNN: Do you know what the punishment for libel is in the great state of Washington here in the United States? There actually isn't one anymore. It was repealed in 2009. But I bet you were going to expect me to file a court injunction and try to take your honda civic and your pop tarts, but that's not the type of girl I am. I don't make baseless accussations. I have no case in Seattle. I have no problem with that. Because I am going to do what I've been doing since I got to the IWF. Make my case in the ring.
(Mayweather raises her head and shoulders broaden, her confidence rising with every word.)
MARY-LYNN: I may not be the fastest, I may not be the strongest, I may not be, well, no, I am the smartest. But most of all, I am the cageist. Yet I don't have to resort to courtroom litigation to defeat you Mr. Whisky. I don't even have to resort to cheating to pin you one, two, three. I've already done it twice.
(Mayweather half smiles.)
MARY-LYNN: How hard could it be to do it again?
(Mary-Lynn walks off as the camera remains stationary.)
MARY-LYNN: Oh, and make sure to find your dressing room at Surge. I don't want any more excuses!
(As Mayweather walks off into the empty parking lot, the camera FADES TO BLACK.)