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Survive If I Let You


Jan 1, 2000
(CUT TO: Eddy Love's palatial Smokey Mountain lakeside retreat. In the background, sailing on majestic Lake Hartwell, is the LOVE BOAT. A female figure-- presumably Sweet Melissa, but perhaps not, knowing The Hurricane's penchant for the ladies, sits back, holding a wine bottle. Standing with his foot on the bow, flicking his blonde mane, is what appears to be Eddy Love.

The camera spins around to show "The Original King of Cool" JJ DeVille, his permed hair recently tightened, wearing his ubiquitous (an SAT word for all you high-school seniors out there) half-shirt/jean shorts combo, holding his CSWA World Greensboro Title around his waist, nunchucks in his hand. He is wiping away a tear.)

JJ: (Looking at the boat.) It's so good... *SNIFFLE* it's so AWE-INSPIRING... it's so BEAUTIFUL to be here in the Great Smokey mountains, where I can watch an athlete... where I can watch a man... in the prime of his life enjoying it to the fullest. (JJ turns towards the boat and starts hopping up and down, waving, like a little kid. He is screaming so loud you can hear the exclamation points. Eddy is busy making out with the woman on the boat, completely oblivious to JJ.) HI EDDY! HI! MISTER LOVE! DO YOU SEE ME? OH MAN!!! OH MAN!!! (Turns to the camera, exasperated.) DID YOU JUST SEE THAT? I just got recognized by THE HURRICANE himself, the LEGEND KILLER, the GREAT HUMANITARIAN. I, JJ DeVille... (starts singing like the lead singer from Journey) a city boy born-and-raised in South Detroit... was just recognized by the greatest wrestler and man who has ever graced us on God's Green Earth, Eddy Love. It's an honor and a privlidge to work as that man's personal assistant. I take a lot of pride and joy in being his right-hand-man. I take a lot of pride and joy in doing his chores, in scrubbing the barnacles of The LOVE Boat, in making sure his on-board pre-set radio stations are tuned properly to his favorite classic rock tunes, in keeping these grounds well manicured... because a man of (points to the lake) HIS stature deserves to relax and to cut loose for all that he has done for us. Anything that I can do to help spread the Gospel of LOVE... (JJ closes his eyes and sighs.) it's just icing on the cake.

But it's a job that does come with its rewards as well. The girls LOVE Mister Eddy, so when I'm scrubbing his sweat socks, I can usually make out with one or two of them before they steal his dry cleaning. I've been a part of the highest rated television mic spots in the history of television. I've become the second-most recognizable name in this sport, behind Eddy Excitement, of course. I'm feared throughout both locker rooms in the CSWA and in all-girls Catholic high schools throughout America. And, because of my hard work, I've learned enough wrestling holds and grips to win this... (JJ taps the title with his nunchucks) The CSWA World Greensboro Title... rescuing it from the fat, filthy hands of that slimebucket Shane Southern... and then going on to succesfully defend it for seven straight years, furthering my claim as this world's only Human Weapon, registered as such in 43 nations, 4 continents and yes... (JJ does his 'chucks routine) EVEN IN DELAWARE.

That's why it angers me so to know that a man like GUNS THE STRONGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD... has apparently gotten down on his hands and knees and begged the esteemed Commissioner Chadwick Fillmore Merrit the Third for a rematch against the man with legs of lightning and the bod of a god. GUNS THE STRONGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD... even though you are seemingly impervious to my martial arts mastery... even though you seem to be a man who feels no pain under any circumstances... I will not back down from you. I've fought LONG and HARD to be in this position, as the CSWA's number two man, right behind Mister Eddy Love. Just because you, my friend, want THIS (taps the title with his 'chucks) and you do things like THIS... (JJ points to the air. A skywriting plane has written in its exhaust: EDDY, WILL YOU HIRE ME? -- GUNS) to get our attention... doesn't mean that you're going to take my spot on the roster or on Eddy Love's payroll. You've been a thorn in my side in my entire, illustrious eight-year career yet you have never managed to beat me or defeat me, GUNS THE STRONGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD... and in Oklahoma City... a city so horrible that even American's themselves try to blow it up... you're going to be crushed and defeated by The Human Weapon, The Original King of Cool and Chocolate Thunder yet again. See if you can... (JJ does the Fargo Strut.) AVOID THE NOID! (JJ turns to the boat and yells.) YOUR TOWELS SHOULD BE DRY NOW, MISTER LOVE! (FTB)

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