HAL vs. Hida Yakamo
JC: Well, anyway, it's time to settle this once and for all. Mr. Entertainment and Chaos took the opener. Spoiler won the Last Man Standing match, and this final is all knotted up at one match apiece. This one is for all the marbles, Duke.
ID: Bloody right it is, but let's not kid ourselves here. This match is a mere formality for MBE. Hida Yakamo is the superior athlete. I mean, HAL is a buggered computer nerd!
JC: Computer nerd or not, Duke, he's put NEW on his shoulders and carried them this far. Appearances are deceiving. I mean, one look at you and people might think you're a man of class!
ID: Oh bugger off.
[Ding ding ding!]
MD: This match is scheduled for one fall and will decide thuh winnuh of the inaugural Chad Dupree Memorial Cup!
[The crowd pops at the mention of the Cup and then settles down at the opening riff of "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC fills the arena.]
MD: Introducin' first, representin' Team MBE and hailin' from Tokyo, Japan, weighin' in at 198 pounds... the Asian Wonder... HIDA... YAKAAAAMMOOOOOOOO!!
[There's a mixed reaction in the crowd.]
JC: Listen to that reaction, Duke! Usually, Hida is apt to be booed out of the freaking building, but tonight, not as much.
ID: Could it be that these unwashed cretins have finally understood what greatness looks like?
JC: I wouldn't say that, but there's a definite contingient here pulling for MBE. In fact, look at the front row there. Those guys are in the front row of the MBE Arena every time they run a show there.
[Hida strides confidently to the ring with El Yakamocito in his right hand.]
ID: Well Jesse, I guess it's possible for people to show a world-class wrestler some respect, even if it's by accident.
JC: Duke, if you ask any fan in this arena what they think of Hida Yakamo, the wrestler, they'll definitely show their respect, but he's just such an ass that they can't just look at the wrestling ability.
ID: There you go with your blasted Philadelphia attitude, wanting everyone to have the same character as your Rocky or your other blue collared twats you worship. Get over it, real wrestlers don't get grease in their fingernails.
JC: *sigh*
[Hida enters the ring where referee Roland Priest of the UWA confiscates El Yakamocito and checks him for other foreign objects.]
ID: And that bloody referee from Philadelphia is the same as you.
JC: No, he's not. All referees for this match have been instructed to prevent the use of foreign objects, Duke. They've also been instructed to call the match very liberally.
ID: Bloody hell Jesse, are you daft? That's contradictory!
JC: Not really Duke. You can relax the rules without breaking them.
MD: And his opponent, representin' NEW, weighin' in at 255 pounds and hailin' from Redwood, Washington...
[Cue up Weird Al's "All About the Pentiums" and another mixed reaction from the crowd. Harold A. Lumbourgh enters as the NEW fans in attendance rain down their cheers on him.]
JC: Now it's HAL's turn to soak up the cheers from his fans.
ID: Cheers yes, but I definitely hear some jeering.
JC: That's because the MBE Arena crowd is in the front row, and man are they loud. But that's the thing about the Dupree Cup. There are no faces and heels. It's just like rooting for the home team.
ID: There you go bloody exposing the business again.
JC: Hey, I think you did more of that with your comment than I did. Besides, fans are smart today anyway. They know what I meant.
[HAL reaches the ring and he's searched. Hida, in his corner, stares a hole through the former computer programmer.]
ID: I'd say not, Jesse, but if you're done making daft comments, I believe the match is about ready to start.
JC: Indeed it is Duke. Indeed it is, and look at them. This contest tied at one match apiece and both of them, Hida and Lumbourgh, they both know what's at stake. It's more than a trophy, it's more than a tournament, the pride of the entire wrestling world is at stake here, the pride of both proud companies...
[DING DING DING! The match begins as both men charge across the ring and lock up.]
JC: ...and they waste no time! Locking up, and look at them! The tenacity! Both men are trying to rip each other's arms off to get an advantage...
ID: This isn't like Hida at all! He's usually cunning!
JC: Maybe he's caught up in all this too! Clean break as both men step back to the old drawing board here. I think maybe Hida know realizes what he was doing in there, because you're right Duke, Cup or no Cup, that was uncharacteristic for the Asian Wonder.
[They lock back up in a collar and elbow tieup.]
ID: See, that's why I'm the bloody best when it comes to commentators.
JC: Yeah Duke, keep believing that...
[Hida transitions into a hammerlock.]
JC: And there we see the Asian Wonder transitioning into his game, wrenching that arm behind HAL, wait a second, HAL with the reversal! He's got that hammerlock in now, and Hida breaks with a well-placed shot to the face.
ID: The Asian Wonder has educated elbows.
JC: Well duh, Duke, but now we're back to where we started. This match turned quickly from an emotionally charged affair to a game of cat and mouse. I know it's only been two sequences, but...
ID: Don't be daft, Jesse. Emotion is emotion, but the Asian Wonder is crafty no matter what mood.
[They go in for another grapple, but Hida stops short and HAL stumbles forward. Hida quickly goes behind him with a waistlock.]
JC: And he just showed it there! He's got reflexes like a damn cat!
ID: I bloody told you!
JC: Hida struggling. Does he want a German here, or maybe a back body drop? No! Olympic style takedown, worthy of the gold medal.
[HAL gets to his feet and scoots away, back to a guarded position.]
JC: They're back at it again, and AGAIN! Hida fakes him out and HAL's stumbling forward again...
[Hida nails HAL with a dropkick to the knee.]
JC: What impact! HAL falls forward!
ID: Bah, you'd think he'd learn. This is what happens when you put your team's hopes of winning against a top man like Hida on a greenhorn. The Asian Wonder is bloody toying with him now.
JC: I'd tend to agree, although it's still, very, VERY early in this matchup.
[HAL on all fours.]
ID: Not too early for a rout and a swift MBE win.
JC: What, do you have money on them? I mean... DEAR LORD! Did you see that? Hida just nailed him with another dropkick, this time to the head with pinpoint precision!
ID: Like I said, toying with him like a cat toys with a mouse.
JC: Oh geez, let's look at that again on the Lays Crunch Cam Replay.
[We go picture in picture as we see a slow motion replay of the dropkick. On the live shot, Hida has applied a side headlock.]
JC: I mean, look at the height he gets here, combined with the pinpoint accuracy. I think he got HAL right in the temple.
ID: I'm telling you, with moves like that, it's hard to bet against them.
JC: You put fifty quid on this meet, didn't you?
ID: Bloody hell, no I wouldn't do such a thing. However, my Uncle Ripley did, and if he doesn't win, he loses his house. I cannot in good nature root for a loved one to lose his property.
JC: Oh geez, I can hear the violins now. Here we go, HAL's getting some of his legs back, powering up from that headlock he's been in. See Duke, he's still got some fight left in him.
ID: Bah, he's just waiting to get snuffed out again.
JC: [Paying no mind to Duke's last comment] HAL shoves Hida off him. Clothesline from HAL, ducked! Turn around HAL, now... aww, no, too late!
[Hida nails a just-turned-around HAL with a calf kick.]
JC: And Hida Yakamo, much to the delight of my colleague here, continues to play cat and mouse with HAL here.
ID: And it should be expected too. That bloody buggered nerd is still so green.
[Hida runs the ropes as HAL is still prone.]
JC: That much is true Duke, but he's been damn impressive in this tournament. Somersault senton splash from the Asian Wonder into a cover, kick out at two. As I was saying...
[Hida grabs HAL's head and slams it back on the mat once.]
JC: He's got victories over Big Dog, Dan Ryan, Ravager! Those are some of the biggest names in the industry right now. Another somersault senton from Hida and another cover, and another kickout at two.
ID: I love how you pay little mind to two astoundingly graceful moves.
[Hida is laying the boots to HAL's chest and stomach area now.]
JC: I'm not Duke. I just got a little caught up there, you know.
ID: Well, your job is to call the action, not fellate the underdog.
JC: Aww jeez Duke, why don't you just tell everyone how you really feel here. Hida now with that bow and arrow lock sinched in, and HAL doesn't look to be in a good way here.
ID: Well, if you'd stop being so bloody daft and pay attention, you'd know that those splashes targeted the midsection, as did those stomps. He's working a body part.
JC: Ladies and gentlemen, the Iron Duke! [Duke mutters something under his breath.] Hida is just relentless with that hold. I have to say, Duke. He is a master of submissions.
ID: Indeed Jesse, and he makes them look so routine. Although quite frankly, this is too little, too late.
JC: Pipe down, Dukey. There's still plenty of match for me to adequately fluff your favorite wrestler. Sheesh. Hida loses his balance there and the hold's broken, but I think the damage is done here.
ID: Indeed. Hida's well on his way to...
JC: GOOD GOD! What a kick to the ribs! That was vicious, Jesus.
ID: If we had kicked the ball that bloody hard, we would have won the damn World Cup!
JC: Never let things go, can you Duke? Hida covers, one, two, kick out, but the damage is definitely done. I see a small stream of blood trickling out of the corner of Lumbourgh's lips there. Hida scoops him up, like a shark smelling blood.
ID: You say that like it's a bloody bad thing...
JC: Rib-breaker! And he's holding HAL there on his knee! This is unorthodox to say the least...
ID: But it's effective! Look at the sanguinary fluid dribbling from HAL's mouth! Hida is a genius in the dealing of pain!
JC: What the hell? Have you been reading Tolkien again?
ID: Oh bugger off Jesse. I'm trying to inject a little culture into this affair.
JC: Bloody this and bugger that. Cultured my red, white and blue ass, Duke.
ID: Really? If it's coloured that way, I believe you should go get it checked out.
JC: *groans* Hida brings HAL to chest level, slam and cover, one, two... nope, another kick out. It's amazing how HAL has the size advantage, but Hida's making his insides probably look like a milkshake.
[Hida to his feet quickly and drops one knee across HAL's gut.]
ID: To use one of your filthy clichés, Jess, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, and you know the rest. I refuse to complete that phrase.
[Another knee to the gut.]
JC: But it's so true in this instance. I'll give credit to the Asian Wonder here, he knows how to get things done.
[A third knee to the gut, and Hida remains kneeling on HAL's gut.]
ID: Of course he does. He's the finest pedigree in all Japan. That family has produced some of the best wrestlers ever.
JC: Explain Yori Junior, then.
[The Duke is silent.]
JC: Exactly. Hida continues with the punishment here, but HAL's got his hand on the bottom rope. Time to break the hold.
[Priest counts to four and Hida breaks right before the disqualifying fifth count.]
JC: I'd complain about the rules being bent here, but frankly Duke, I can't blame either one of these guys if they want to bend the rules just a little bit.
[Hida tries to attack HAL while he's still in the ropes. Priest restrains him.]
ID: Bloody hell Jesse, I thought you were going to give another speech about fairplay and the like. You change your spots more than a blasted chameleon.
JC: Maybe Duke, but I'm allowed to change my mind if I wanted to. I did vote Kerry. HAL to his feet, and Hida is right back on the attack. Irish whip [ID: Bloody Irish!] and ooh jeez! Hida just planted a knee right in HAL's gut and the Programmer of Pain is back down on the canvas.
ID: I'd call for the bell and get him checked out. There's no way he's coming back.
JC: I'm going to remind you you said that if HAL comes back to win...
[CRACK! Boot right to the ribs of a prone HAL.]
JC: Although after kicks like that, I'm beginning to see your point! Hida covers again, two, no. That blood is really starting to come out of his mouth now.
[Hida drags HAL to his feet.]
JC: I mean, I'd hate to see his career cut so short, and he would too, but he's not going to quit, not when all this is on the line, Duke.
[Hida with a right plam strike to the base of HAL's ribs.]
ID: Not quit even when faced with shots like that?
[Left palm strike.]
JC: Yes, that's how much the Dupree Cup and New Era mean to HAL. He's willing to stand in there and absorb Hida punishing his internal organs just so he can prove that he works for the best company in the business.
[Kneeling elbow shot to HAL's stomach.]
ID: Hell, no wrestling company would mean that much to me! I'd get the hell out and cut my losses, especially against a technician like Hida Yakamo!
[Hida arches back, setting up for the death blow it seems.]
JC: And that's why you're here in the booth instead of in the ring. Hida flies in with...
[PBBBBBTTHTHTH! A spray of red shoots into Hida's face.]
JC: HOLY SH[7 s. delay!]!! Did you just see that?
ID: That was bloody foul!
JC: Shades of Hida's former tag partner, although that was far from blue dye! That was... BLOOD! Good Lord! HAL is not out of this thing yet folks!
ID: If he weren't such a daft nerd, I'd say he's got some sort of sexual disease! Although he is the type who'd get hepatitis from a bloody scallion.
JC: Hida Yakamo can't believe he just got sprayed with blood! Staggering around the ring and he just walked right into that kick to the gut! DDT from HAL but the damage is done on Lumbourgh too as he falls holding his gut! Roland Priest breaks out his ten count for the first time this match.
[And Priest counts "One, two..."]
ID: That bloody nerd had better gotten his blood test beforehand! If Hida is sick, you and your bloody company have a suit on their hands.
["...Three, four..."]
JC: I assure you, no one in this company has any bloodborne pathogens.
["...Five." Hida is up to his feet.]
JC: Hida is up first, and I guess that beating he levied on HAL did take its toll, because that was one hellacious DDT.
ID: 'Twas a fluke move, Jesse, I assure you, Hida shall be back in control in short order.
JC: Well, he is up first and he's back on the att... NO he's not! HAL with the inside cradle that Hida kicks out of almost immediately, but you have to wonder if HAL was playing possum this whole time!
ID: Another fluke, because HAL's still down.
[Hida up quickly again, moving towards HAL, still prone.]
JC: That he is, but that's still an astute move, Duke.
[Hida goes to pick up HAL.]
JC: I just wonder how much... waitasecond! HAL with the eye rake! I think we know!
ID: Dirty pool! Dirty pool!
JC: You've condoned worse, Duke! HAL is up to his feet and now chopping Hida in the chest!
[HAL connects with each Flair chop as the crowd "WOOO!"s with each successful one, three in all.]
JC: Shades of the Nature Boy there, and now HAL with the whip and he drives a knee right in Hida's gut! Finally, the NEW contingient of this crowd has something to cheer for!
[HAL doesn't follow up as he's still gassed and in pain from the waylaying he received on his stomach.]
ID: Yet the wanker's not following up on the momentum.
JC: Well Duke, sometimes your body won't let you do things your heart desires. He just took a massive beating. Hida's up and he walks right into an overhand forearm smash from HAL! And another! And another! HAL is a house on fire!
ID: We don't need any water, let the mother...
JC: DUKE! HAL with the whip... BIG SLAM ON THE TILT-A-WHIRL! Hida's down and HAL covers, two... no! Is this still a fluke, Duke?
[HAL yanks Hida to his feet.]
ID: Before you comment, any proclamation of your poetic skills will be immediately greeted by the Aristocracks!
[HAL goes for a vertical suplex, but Hida slips behind him, seamlessly slips in the full nelson and nails a snap dragon suplex.]
ID: But to answer your question, yes, it is a fluke.
JC: I don't believe it! Neither can the NEW fans in this crowd, although those MBE Arena-ites are hooting in the front row like they were Nets fans cheering a Richard Jefferson dunk.
ID: They're appreciating a fine display of counterwrestling from a master.
[Hida is to his feet after a short breather, and HAL is on all fours.]
JC: I'm sure they are Duke. There's nothing wrong with their display, and that's what makes this Dupree Cup so prestigious...
[OOOF! Hida plants his foot square in HAL's ribs as the Programmer of Pain falls flat on his belly.]
JC: Good Lord! Hida should be kicking for the Giants with that leg!
ID: Bugger off. I think Hotspur could use a kick like that, kip kip!
JC: Hida goes for the Boston crab... wow, that's unorthodox, he's got him by the thighs.
ID: Unorthodox, but it puts more pressure on the midsection like that rather than on the lower spine and legs.
JC: That's right up Hida's wheelhouse, finding new and inventive ways to break down the opponent's body. HAL's a big guy, at least bigger than Hida, but with damage to his midsection like that, he loses a lot of his power.
ID: Exactly. When I tell you things like "Hida is the best," you should pay attention.
JC: Paying attention and agreeing are two different things, Duke, and while I think the Asian Wonder is among the best techincal wrestlers, I wouldn't call him the best overall, not with guys like James Irish, The Spoiler, Garbage Bag Johnny and IrishRed around.
ID: IrishRed? BAH! That's an insult upon insults, Jesse! You take that back or else I'll burn your tongue out for you.
JC: Jeez Duke, what do you have against Red? Scratch that, I don't care. HAL's in the ropes and Hida once again takes liberties with that five count.
ID: Here we bloody go again.
JC: You really should listen to me more often, Dukey.
[Hida rolls HAL over.]
ID: Well, I bloody well have to, I...
JC: Wait a second Duke, another HIGHLY unorthodox move by the Asian Wonder stepping on HAL's stomach!
ID: He knows more ways to hurt you than you know wrestling announcer clichés.
JC: He just did it again! And a third time! The Asian Wonder just toying with HAL now, and a cover, one, two, and a kickout.
[Hida has words with Priest.]
JC: Oh please, it's not Roland Priest's fault you couldn't put HAL away there.
ID: Well, it was a tad slow...
JC: Bull, Duke, bull. Roland Priest is among the finest refs in this business. Hida taking his frustrations now out on HAL via some nasty boots to the gut there, and I'm not so sure that HAL's spleen isn't ruptured here.
ID: Well, that's what happens when you have someone picking you apart with surgical precision.
JC: Yeah, but how much more does HAL have in the tank? I mean, when you're so close to the Dupree Cup that you can taste it, you forget the pain, but not this badly, not with the Asian Wonder stomping away at your midsection like that. I mean, he can also taste the Cup, and he's not letting up.
ID: Sign of a true Champion, Jesse.
JC: Holy mackerel! Duke, I don't mean to interrupt, but did you see the elevation on that jumping knee to HAL's gut? Shades of his late father there, and Hida going for a pin... no! He's taunting HAL! Is that the mark of a Champion, Duke?
ID: When you can take time to talk trash to your foe while thrashing him, yes!
JC: Oh, sometimes you can make me so sick, Duke. Wait, another spray of blood from HAL... no! He misses that time! Went to the sanguine well one time too many and now Hida just acquainted his boot with HAL's face!
ID: See Jesse? It's academic! HAL's showing his true colours and those colours are green!
JC: You may be right, but he's still got fight in him...
ID: Not for long! That's the Lotus Blossom that he just put the bugger in
JC: Oh no! You may be right Duke! This isn't as deadly as his newer second version, but it's still going to do a number on his insides, especially with all the previous damage done!
ID: HAL has to be a mess inside his stomach. He should tap out and cut his losses.
JC: And let his team down? Duke, NEW is so close to the Dupree Cup. As much as Hida is using every fiber of his being to put HAL down and claim the Cup for MBE, HAL's using every fiber in his to buckle down and keep NEW in this... and Hida can't hold onto the move any longer! He voluntarily breaks.
ID: In his defense, Jesse, the Mexican surfboard requires a lot of stamina from the holder to keep on as it does from the holdee to resist submission.
[Hida goes over to the corner.]
JC: Holdee, Duke?
ID: Oh, piss off you bloody wanker.
JC: Ladies and gentlemen, my broadcast partner! Hida to the top rope and it looks like he's trying to finish HAL off here. Backflip into the Yakamo Stomp II... NO! NO! HAL rolled out of the way last second, and Hida Yakamo absorbed a good bit of shock in his knees!
ID: Filthy toerag! Don't you know to stay where you are when you're being finished?
[Hida turns around to find HAL rising to his feet.]
JC: Never count a man out of a fight he hasn't lost yet Duke! CLOTHESLINE! CLOTHESLINE! HAL nearly took Hida's head off and now both men are down! Roland Priest is going to have to break out his ten count again!
[And he does... "One, two..." Neither man stirs.]
JC: Oh my Lord, for this match to end on a double countout would be a travesty! C'mon guys, get up, get up!
ID: You bloody cheerleader!
["Three, four..." Some life from the Asian Wonder.]
JC: Hey, I'm cheering on both men. I want a winner in this match. I want someone to walk out of here with the Dupree Cup!
ID: Have you ever heard of a thing called journalistic integrity though? You look like a bloody nipple!
["Five, six..." Hida is on all fours, HAL is barely trying to sit up with blood oozing out of his mouth.]
JC: Pot, kettle, black, Duke. Just remember what you're saying here next time you want to fellate one of your countrymen or Hida in the ring there.
ID: I'm the colour commentator, Jesse, I'm supposed to inject opinion.
["Seven, eight..." Both men are on fours with Hida crawling to the ropes.]
JC: Sure Duke, sure.
["Nine..."]
JC: And Hida's to his feet, but even more amazingly, so's HAL, although he looks a lot worse for wear. Hida's on the attack, chop, no! Blocked by HAL and returned with a jab to the chin! And another! And another! Right cross! Hida goes stumbling back!
ID: Closed fists! Closed fists! This wrestling, not the Marquis de Queensbury rules!
JC: And now HAL with the double axehandles on a prone Hida! One! Two! Three! How the tide has turned! The MBE fans here are in disbelief!
[Hida on the mat, now it's HAL's turn to stomp a mudhole and walk it dry.]
ID: That poor lad in the front with the 32 oz. beer and the Canadian Loonie t-shirt looks like someone stomped his puppy!
JC: Nope, but that man is stomping his Asian Wonder, and now, here's where the size advantage comes into play.
[HAL lands a big knee across the back of Hida's neck and rolls him over.]
JC: How the tables have turned here! HAL is on the attack and he gets to make a cover, two count and no more.
[HAL picks up Hida and sizes him up for a haymaker.]
JC: The entire energy of this building has changed, Duke.
[One haymaker.]
ID: I've never seen anything like it either. You'd think with the proximity to the MBE Arena, this would be an MBE dominated crowd!
[Two haymakers, Hida stumbles back a bit.]
JC: Well, New England is NEW country, and it looks like a good bit of these Chowderheads made the trip down!
[HAL with the Irish whip.]
JC: And the Chowderheads are getting their money's worth! HAL flattens Hida with that powerslam! Cover, one... two... thr... NO!
ID: Bloody hell! How is he even moving after taking a pummeling like he did!?
[HAL says something to Priest and then proceeds to grab Hida by the hair and pound his head on the mat.]
JC: It's the will to win, Duke. The Cup means more, this business, this way of life. I don't know if it's spiritual or adrenaline or whatever it is.
ID: For this HAL character, I'm betting steroids.
[HAL gets up and drops the leg across Hida's chest.]
JC: Funny you should mention those, Duke, because HAL just broke out shades of one of wrestlings most famous roidheads.
ID: Powermaster?
JC: You're funny, Duke. Ah, and now HAL's trying with the submission strategy. Leg scissor sleeper and a beaut.
ID: Now THAT'S funny!
JC: Oh please, just because Hida has the edge in submission moves doesn't mean he's got a frigging monopoly on them.
ID: But that's such a weak move!
JC: I don't know, those are some pretty big legs. Not Torgo big, but whose thighs can match up to his?
ID: Zoltan?
JC: No Duke, you're thinking calves. Hida in the ropes and now HAL is taking his sweet time breaking the hold. One of my pet peeves, but I can understand it here.
ID: You know, you don't have to keep reminding everyone that it's one of your bloody pet peeves everytime someone does it.
JC: Deal, Duke. Deal. HAL up and off the ropes... Jesus another knee drop, this one right across the head of Hida Yakamo instead of his chest. It looks like HAL is either working the whole of the upper body or he's just going for the "hit whatever moves you can and wear 'im out" strategy. Cover, one, two... and no three. Now HAL's incensed, c'mon now, not you too.
ID: He's a bloody crybaby!
JC: I'd agree, but so's Hida in that case. WAIT A SECOND! Hida with the schoolboy roll up and it barely gets a one as HAL kicks out with authority! Hida's up... LARIATO~!
[From HAL to Hida, of course.]
ID: I hate it when you do that!
JC: Once again, deal. HAL off the ropes again with the big elbow drop and that should put a lickin' on Hida. Cover, one, two... nope, not enough, and if I may, he needs to do a whole lot more.
[HAL gets on top of Hida in the mount position... get your head out of the gutters!
]
ID: Yes, although I'd like it if he were doing things the legal way without closed fists!
JC: Jesus, that's an archaic rule, but since you're archaic...
ID: I'll have you know that I'm a young man and I had to retire from wrestling because of medical conditions.
[HAL breaks after Priest intervenes. He has a mouthful for the UWA ref as he breaks.]
JC: Yeah, it was called chronic sucking. [ID: Wanker!] HAL with the quick bounce off and a fist drop right across the bridge of Hida's nose, and that may leave a mark and draw some blood. HAL covers... wait, no he doesn't. Side headlock applied and now he's playing the wear down game.
ID: Wear down on which body part, Jesse? He's been all over the place.
JC: There's such a thing as general stamina, Duke.
ID: General stamina, bah, rubbish.
JC: I don't know Duke, Hida seems a lot more sluggish than he was when he was on top.
ID: Well duh Jesse, he's been taking a pounding! What did you expect, for him to be spry?
JC: No, but I expected you to prove my point like you just did.
ID: Blast!
JC: HAL's grip is loosening on his headlock, and Hida's getting to his feet. Shove off and HAL goes into the ropes... LARIATO~!
ID: AAAH!
JC: Oh c'mon now Dukey. HAL is not going for the cover here either, opting to bring Hida to his feet, and it's time for some more of the sweet science!
ID: You and this blasted horse's arse of a computer nerd live to annoy me.
[HAL lands two quick left jabs in succession.]
JC: We annoy because we love, Duke.
[Wild right hand catches Hida and sends him staggering back to the ropes.]
ID: Although I must say, for all the punches he's taken, not a one has knocked him out yet.
[Bounces off the ropes weakly and walks right into a kick to the gut from HAL.]
JC: Well if that didn't put him down, this will... TIGGGUH DRIVUHHH CLASSIC! Right into a pin attempt, one, two, thr... no! So damn close!
[HAL pounds on the mat in frustration.]
ID: This is starting to get a bit dicey for me!
JC: And for all those fans in the front row and for all the fans at the MBE Arena watching on closed circuit TV! HAL's got Hida now...
[THWACK!]
JC: There it is! There it is! Control-Alt-Delete! The move that put down Big Dog! This match is over, it's academic... one, two... three... NO!? NO! Hida kicked out! Hida kicked out after taking a Control-Alt-Delete!
ID: Hope springs eternal for my uncle and his house!
JC: HAL is livid! Absolutely livid! He's chewing out Roland Priest, but that wasn't on him! I don't know how in the hell Hida kicked out of that!
ID: He's more resilient than a bloody rubber band. This is the best display of overall wrestling ability since I used to watch Liquid Snake in A1E!
JC: HAL's got Hida up again for another one... NO! NO! Hida just landed on his feet behind HAL, and backslide! How in the hell does he do these things?
[For the record, the kickout was at one.]
ID: I keep telling you, but you don't listen!
JC: I'm not going to have a voice after this! Both men are up, and HAL strikes... no, it's blocked! Chop...
CROWD: WOOO!
JC: And I have no idea where Hida is getting this energy!
[Another chop and another "WOO!"]
ID: I don't know, but the fans in the front row enjoy it!
[Third chop, third "WOO!"]
JC: Hida now scooping up HAL... gutbuster! A move borrowed from one of his most hated rivals, Maggot, but it's effective here. Cover, one, two... nope! Not right now.
[Hida makes the throat-slash gesture quickly with his right thumb.]
ID: I think I know what time it is!
JC: Miller Time?
ID: Bloody hell no! I wouldn't be caught drinking that piss anyway.
JC: Oh, now I think I might know what you're talking about, Duke. Hida's got HAL up in that Splash Mountain set up. It could be time for the most famous move in all of wrestling...
[Unbeknownst to anyone else in the arena except the most eagle-eyed in the front row in front of that particular corner, HAL has hooked his feet underneath the top rope.]
ID: Oh the humanity...
[Hida runs out of the corner, but HAL falls with a thud to the ring right off Hida's shoulders while Hida runs across the ring without him.]
JC: What the hell? That's not how that move was supposed to go... wait, unless that was his counter!
[Hida stops short of running into the diagonal corner, and hops right around to see HAL laying still on the mat.]
JC: He had to have hooked his legs on something to avoid the brunt of that move!
ID: What a daft fool! He hurt himself on his own counter!
JC: Hey, better than the impact he would have taken on the HIDADRIVER~!
[Hida climbs the turnbuckles, face to the crowd.]
JC: Although this match might be over if Hida hits... WAITASECOND! HAL'S UP! HAL'S UP! Like a speedburst off a cable modem, he just shot up and fell on the top rope, and now Hida's crotched on the second turnbuckle!
ID: Bloody possum!
JC: I'm not sure if that was possum. That looked like pure adrenaline to me! And now what's HAL doing?
[HAL exits the ring onto the apron and climbs up the turnbuckle where Hida is from the outside.]
ID: He's... I don't know what he's going to do, but I don't like it.
JC: He's got Hida by the waist now...
[Pregnant silence as HAL grabs the waist and leans forward.]
JC: OHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD! SUPER CONTROL-ALT-DELETE! HE HIT HIS FINISHER FROM THE TOP ROPE!
ID: BLOOOOODY HEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!
JC: HE COVERS! HE COVERS... ONE... TWO...
THREE! THREE! DEAR LORD! NEW WINS! NEW WINS! NEW WINS THE 2006 DUPREE CUP! THEY'RE THE FIRST EVER DUPREE CUP CHAMPIONS!
[The NEW fans in attendance explode as "All About the Pentiums" hits up on the PA.]
MD: Here is your winnuh.... HAAAAALLLLL!!
[Huge pop.]
MD: And, the winnuh of this year's inaugural Dupree Cup... by virtue of beating MBE by a score of two matches to one... your winners... NEW ERA... OF... WRESSSTTTTLINNNNNG!!
ID: My uncle's house!
JC: I can't believe this! I can't believe this!
[HAL is still jumping around the ring like a giddy schoolgirl while Hida rolls out the ring and slinks to the back. While he leaves, Mr. Entertaiment, MWG and Chaos all rush out, hands in the air in celebration.]
JC: And here comes... here comes Team NEW! Man, this team, you can't say enough good things about them! They weren't even supposed to come out of their group. Everyone thought it was going to be EPW and NAPW...
[All four men, HAL with blood dripping out of his mouth from some internal bleeding, MWG, Mr. Entertainment and Chaos, all share embraces and take turns going up on the turnbuckles, arms raised to their fans.]
JC: ...and they end up not even dropping a contest throughout this entire tournament. New Era of Wrestling... you guys DESERVED this!
[Out from the back steps Russel David, Editor-in-Chief of The MARK News Magazine. Behind him are two armored security guards wheeling in the two-tiered silver and cherrywood Dupree Cup.]
JC: And here's Russell David, from our co-sponsor the MARK. He's gonna present the trophy.
[David enters the ring and the guards hand him the trophy. He speaks into a microphone in the lapel of his sport jacket.]
RD: Hello everyone! I'm Russel David, and I'm here to present to New Era of Wrestling, for the first time ever...
[He holds the trophy up in the air.]
RD: THE DUPREE CUP!
[He brings it back down to chest level and hands it to HAL. HAL nods and mouths "Thank you," before he hoists it up in the air.]
JC: Look at that! That's a look of pride! They earned that trophy. I... I'm speechless! I'd like to thank everyone who tuned into the Dupree Cup Tournament on Season Pass On Demand or on the Alternative Sports Network! For the Iron Duke, I'm Jess Chapel! Thank you, and good night!
[The last scene before fade is a shot of all four men holding up the Dupree Cup. Fade to the TEAM logo, copyright 2006, all rights reserved.]