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The Birth Pt 1


the EX-QUEEN of FW~!
Jan 1, 2000
Greensboro USA
(FADEIN: The highway. A white LIMO speeds to its destination, weaving in and out of traffic.)

(CUTTO: Inside the backseat of the limo where CALVIN CARLTON pulls a barely conscious JOEY MELTON tighter in his lap. Both men sweating purposely, and skin color ghost white.)

CALVIN: You just hang on Mister Melton. Just hang on. We’re almost there. We’re almost there!

MELTON: Cal what the hell are you doing? The house is barely a five-minute drive from the hospital. We’ve been driving for hours. This baby can come at any minute. I don’t have the strength anymore to fight it.

CALVIN: I’ll be damned if you’re giving birth in here! Momma just had this dream reupholstered!

MELTON: Well, take this to the bank. The 100th pothole we hit back there loosened my grip on this child’s head. It wants to come!

CALVIN: Nooooooo! Momma would die!

MELTON: Oh (half scream) like it’d be the first time you’ve been in the back seat of this car with blood and a fetus.

CALVIN: (looks to the heavens) Will I EVER live the abortion down? You know Maria is hard to understand when she’s been drinking. There’s a fine line inside her marbled mouth between “Term” and “Medicate.”

MELTON: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Calvin….


MELTON: Get me to a hospital! I didn’t sign up for a natural birth! Good grief! Carlton, where the hell—

CALVIN: I’m not letting you have this baby (Calvin gets a wild look in his eye) in a public hospital with common street trash and middle class mothers coaching you on, reaching for your hand so you might overpopulate the Earth together. No, sir. Mister Melton. I will not, Momma will not allow it!

MELTON: You’re insane! (Joey snaps his head back) Freeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!!!!

CALVIN: I’m taking you to a friend’s house just upstate. He’s been a private doctor to the family for years. Really a jack of all trades. He cured my lisp and soldered that cancerous mole right off my neck when I was sixteen on the same day.

MELTON: He was fired from your family years ago! Carlton he’s a registered sex offender!

CALVIN: Oh what? Because he took a steak off the grill a few months too early he can’t bring a child into this world? Speaking of which…he’s asked me to tear a t-shirt into strips and boil a pot of water.

MELTON: (Sticking his head out of a car window) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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