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The Mocking Maw of ADVENTURE

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to the semi-darkened interior of what at first appears to be a rustic log cabin - festooned with fishing nets, traps hanging from the walls, a pair of oars hanging above a rough-hewn, fiery hearth cut into the wall and inches of dirt piled on the floor. As the camera slowly pans, however, it reveals overturned furniture, peeling wallpaper with exposed, punched-out drywall, stained patches of exposed carpet, and in general what is apparently the near-demolished remains of a hotel room which has received the delicate, redecorating touch of BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS and "IRON" JOHN LURIE, THE MEN OF ADVENTURE!

John and Tom - sitting on the side of their upturned canoe in the center of the floor - lean in towards a flickering black-and-white portable television attached to an upturned VCR, which rests sidewise against the walls. The dancing light flashes across their amazed faces as their wide eyes take in every second of the HIP HOP EXPRESS's latest promo.

The clip ends, and the TV retorts with static and white noise as the MoA continue to stare at the screen. After several long seconds, an agape Big Tom turns to his partner and speaks in hushed, awed tones...)

TOM: "John, my good man, did you see the very things I saw, humbling and of great import they were?"

JOHN: "Tom, it was ... heart-wrenching, soul-churning ... mind-boggling. MY MIND WAS BOGGLED! It was as if I gazed through the herniated anus of the universe's indigo cloth and saw the BOWELS OF AMAZEMENT itself! As you can plainly tell from the absence of garrulousness and paucity of loquacity inherent in my contemporaneous parlance, IT LEFT ME SPEECHLESS! DAR!"

TOM: "I know, friend John, I know. It was as if we wide-eyed innocents snuck ... sneaked ... no, I think it's 'snuck' ... SNUCK into the secret caves by the ocean and sought the pirate treasure and instead found the big deformed guy and then Chunk smelled ice cream and then we were the Goonies. It's JUST LIKE THAT! We are born anew with this strange new discovery ringing about our minds and hearts."

(There's a profound pause as the Men of Adventure peer thoughtfully in the dark.)

JOHN: "Jumping Jesus Orangutan, Tom! We've got T-Shirts!!"

TOM: "I KNOW! When did THAT happen? _I_ didn't know we had T-Shirts! We NEED to find one of those things! RIGHT NOW! MEN OF ADVENTURE - AWAY TO ACTION!"

(John and Tom leap up, knocking over their canoe and stumbling over upturned furniture as they hastily scramble from their hotel room. CUTTO: Footage of the Mod Squad leaping into a souped up 64 convertible. CUTTO: The Men of Adventure inside a wrecked and battered Seventies-era van, complete with disco ball on the ceiling and Boris Vallejo painting on the interior door. They bounce back and forth as the cab sways violently, tearing down city streets! Tom is half-mumbling and half-humming a funked-out version of the MoA theme song, when suddenly John slams on the brakes, throwing them both against the windshield)

JOHN: "Our prey, I see it! Quick Tom, initiate Plan 'Underground Japanese Video!'"

(CUTTO the exterior, where an eleven-year old boy in an MoA t-shirt is walking past a Walgreen's with his mother, who is also holding an infant child. Tom and John bolt from their van, push the mother to the ground, then grab the boy and hop back in the still-running van, gunning it. CUTTO: The interior of the van, John laughing wildly, gripping the steering wheel maniacally, as Tom grills the frightened kid)

TOM: "Alright you freckled urchin, where did you get the shirt!?"

KID: "Maaaaaaw-meeeeeee! Maaaaw-haw-haw-meeeeeee!"


TOM: "She's DEAD to you NOW, son! Accept the adventure! Now tell me, where did you get the shirt? If you tell me, I'll give you ... (Tom looks around, picks up a matted, fly-infested muskrat carcass from the floor) ... THIS POKEMON! Now where'd you get the shirt?"

KID (through sobs): "Thuh - thuh - thuh int ... inter-uh-net ..."

TOM: "The ... in ... ter ... DAMN, John! I think this kid is FRENCH or something! I can't make heads or tails of his monkey jabber!"

(CUTTO: Closeup on John, his face lit by alternating red-and-blue lights)

JOHN: "Tom! POLICE ROADBLOCK! Brace yourself!"

(CUTTO a savage clip of a a van crashing into a line of police cars, then going airborne, flipping, and crashing into a mountain of fire. From the uniforms of the officers and the makes of police cars, it appears to be shot from the early eighties. CUTTO: John and Tom lying on the pavement, faces dirtied and clothes torn as they are illuminated by fire off-screen. John sits up while Tom continues to lie on the pavement, unmoving)

TOM: "John, I struck my mighty head on the pavement when I was flung threw the window. I can't quite move the left side of my body, I think I had a stroke."

JOHN (pointing and laughing): "HAW HAW! YOU GOT SCREWED!"

TOM: "Ho ho, yes, the joke IS on me. But also, while lying here half-broken and fully addled, a thought has occurred to me. Do you recall when our upcoming opponents, the Hip Hop Express, dressed in trapper regalia at the thematic park?"

JOHN: "Ho ho, Tom, I remember many things. I remember the plains of this great, wide continent, thick with buffalo and antelope and alligators, all ripe for the picking. I remember the chill of snowy air on winter mornings when the only joy was the joy of surviving on God's vast, heartless expanse. I remember the smell of coffee upon the hearth as the leaves turned golden and red, but mostly Tom, I remember ... love."

TOM: "Good for you John, but what about the Hip Hop Express hunting down cardboard cutouts of us in a stinking pee-hole?"

JOHN: "Sure, sure, that too."

TOM: "Well, John, perhaps it's only my dissipated consciousness leaking from my skull, but it occurs to me now that ... those SQUEALING JERKWATER PRANCE-DANDIES were MOCKING US!"

JOHN: "What th - ?! Why, who do those painted up man-harlots think they're dealing with? We're the MEN OF ADVENTURE, we chew steel wool like rice cakes and steel bolts like gobstoppers! And because of that, WE POOP MOLTEN METAL!"

TOM: "You like mockery, here's some mockery, Hip Hop Express. 'Look at me, I am Hip Hop Express. (singing) She loves you, and you know that can't be bad.' (talking) Oh HO, get it? I am YOU!"

JOHN: "We're the bastard sons of the Great Wide North, when she let herself be whored out to the very Gates of Hell itself! We're the poisoners of kings, the butchers of nations, AND WE'RE PEPPER IN YER PEEPERS! And they mock ... US? I WON'T STAND FOR IT! Where are we facing these living lace doilies, friend Tom?"

JOHN: "To be honest, friend Tom, I can barely remember my own phone number after the headshot I just took to the canvas, but I seem to recall it's in Kansas City."

TOM: "Ho HO! Then how appropriate that, in Kansas City, the Men of Adventure will make the Hip Hop Express dance like a pair of Kansas City F(BLEEP)TS! PREPARE TO DANCE, F(BLEEPS)S! You'll need DANCING SHOES! And DANCING PANTS! And a DANCING HAT of some sort, I believe! Also, stock up on DANCING PASTE and DANCE SANDWICHES! The Men of Adventure will call the tune of your UNTIMELY FINISH, and you'll TWO-STEP to OBLIVION! Prepare to PIROUETTE and GRAN JETE into an ABYSS of BUTCH, HAIRY, SWEATY, GROWLING, WELL-MUSCLED MAN-HATE ... And DANCING'S no good against MAN HATE! Let's go, John! Ho HO!"

JOHN: "I'd love to, Tom, but I think you'd be just as well off getting the Dynamite Kid for a partner. I'm paralyzed for life."

TOM: "Nonsense, you ass, you've just landed on that unfortunate urchin we abducted from the street. His broken thigh bone is jutting into your back, probably cutting off the circulation."

JOHN: (sits up suddenly) "By gum, you're right! So let us away, I have much deviltry in mind for the Hip Hop Express. The biting tongue of mockery is a little sting to the fiery maw of ADVENTURE, into which we shall plunge these twirling ninny-wits! Ho HO!"

TOM: "Ho HO!"

JOHN: "Ho H - Oh, hey, look, cops. We better tear off through this field!"

TOM: "Will do!"

(The MoA dash off into the night, through a vacant lot filled with high weeds, as the flashing lights of police cars descend on the scene. With a distant, final "HO HO!" the Men disappear into the darkness, and the scene FTBs...)


League Member
Jan 1, 2000

By the way, when did "Iron" John's last name change? I thought it was WAITS?


Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Oh man, I was thinking of John Lurie ... he did this show called 'Fishing with John," and one episode of which guest starred Tom Waits, who sang the MoA theme song. I named John Waits after those two ...

Also, I'm an idiot. But hey, at least it was funny, right?

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