Yori Yakamo jr
League Member
THE WRESTLING CHRONICLE’S MBE RECAP
“The New Neighbors Have a Hot Tub”
Live on ESEN from the MBE Arena, Binghamton NY
7/20/07
Matt Burke, reporting
We are live from the sold out MBE arena for Message Board Entertainment’s debut on ESEN. It’s really indicative of how much MBE means to the area that they can sell out a show here after all the controversy and financial problems of the last few months. The next two shows will be here as well, currently titled “Singled Out” and “Wednesday Night Warriors.” The plan is to make WNW a bigger event, more like the old Clash of the Champions, and only run a few a year. This one will feature the Lord of the Board semis matches, and lead into the Lord of the Boards PPV Sept. 9th from the Hammerstein Ballroom. Probably smart to run smaller buildings they know they can sell out, as a lot of their financial difficulties came from running buildings too large in areas where they never drew particularly well. I think the plan is to make MBE a regional promotion in terms of shows and try to get a national audience through ESEN.
For those that keep e-mailing me, there are, as of now, no current plan to run High Stakes this year. Their network issues and goat issues would have it difficult anyway, plus there have been issues with Yori’s casino. It looks like he will sell the property and open a smaller and slightly less gauche hotel and casino up the road in Reno. That’s more his aesthetic anyway. According to Direct TV the only scheduled MBE PPVs right now are Lord of the Boards, Total Elimination on November 11th from the Mohegan Sun Casino and Evolution on January 5th, 2008, site TBA. I wouldn’t be shocked to see High Stakes back next year in May, but that is a long way down the road.
Unlike everyone else on the internet, I will not be calling this show TIN HAT. Sorry.
Lights. Credits. Crowd shot. Back to business as usual.
PTSD v. GENERAL MAYHEM
The familiar bickering of Till and Dr. P welcome us to another MBE show. Phantasmo is bemoaning the loss of his beloved PbPro, he doesn’t know what will get him through the show, but someone has to counter Tillrules slanderous propagating, so he will soldier on. Till seems overjoyed.
We go right to action with two debuting superstars facing off in one on one action. General Mayhem comes out to his rousing military tune. The British are coming! The British are coming! Now if we could only get Larry the Luddite back. PTSD is out now, and he is one large person. Jeez. I guess they do grow them bigger out on the farm. Mayhem is a little annoyed, as he feels Petey isn’t giving proper respect to a man of his rank, and orders him to drop and give him 20 for insubordination. Yeah, that goes over well. He drops Mayhem instead with a big time clothesline. The General gets up to his feet and immediately finds himself locked into a full nelson. Petey shakes the General around bad before tossing him face first into the turnbuckles. PTSD follows with a series of shoulder blocks to the lower back, crushing Mayhem in the corner. This is a scary dude. Sidewalk slam leads to our first pinfall of the evening, but it only gets two. Petey whips Mayhem off the ropes and looks for a Samoan drop, but Mayhem slips out and locks on a sleeper. Petey slips out and shoves Mayhem towards the turnbuckles. Mayhem gets a foot up and bounces back off the turnbuckles and catches Petey with a hot shot across the turnbuckles as he charges in.
Mayhem is not happy and works over the SKULL. He sits Petey up and bounces some short rights off his opponent’s head and locks in ye olde chinlock. PTSD works his way back to his feet and elbows himself free. Mayhem responds by yanking his opponent back to the mat by his hair. Mayhem decides to teach Petey a lesson and grinds his forearm across his face. Mayhem’s got PTSD up and he DROPS him with a big time suplex. Nice feat of strength from the British brass. That gets two and Mayhem smoothly transitions into a sleeper. Petey isn’t so quick out of it this time. Mayhem does a good job of using his leverage to keep PTSD on the mat, all while barking orders at him not to be such a ninny. The ref is checking on PTSD as the crowd throws their support behind the crazy guy. Better that than a British sod, I guess. Amazingly, PTSD gets his arm up on drop number three and starts to show a bit of life…he’s up to his feet…he elbows out.
Mayhem goes for his hair again, but Petey swings around into a backdrop suplex. He is stomping away on Mayhem. He’s got him up…irish whip…Petey sets too early and Mayhem drives a forearm onto Petey’s back. He’s looking for a piledriver…no dice. Petey backdrops out of it. PTSD has Mayhem up…he hits a shoulder breaker. That gets two. Irish whip and this time he hits the Samoan Drop…a long two and a half. PTSD is going for the Texas Cloverleaf, he calls it the Stress Disorder. Mayhem reverses it into a small package! He’s got the tights! NO! PTSD is out at 2.9! I don’t think that particular maneuver was kosher under the Uniform Code of Conduct. PTSD goes for his rolling DDT, TRAUMA~! Mayhem blocks! Kick to the midsection…PILEDRIVER! Petey is down. Mayhem is dragging PTSD towards the corner…he’s got his legs….SHOT AT DAWN! Petey’s head and chest goes into the turnbuckles. Mayhem stacks him up in the corner….and that’s all she wrote!
WINNER: GENERAL MAYHEM (8:44: Shot at Dawn)
Fun little opener. PTSD is a monster, and I do love those dastardly Brits. Keep an eye out on these two at Lord of the Boards.
VOTE FOR JUSTIN EVITABLE
From inside a decrepit looking house we see Justin and the sexbot enter, shaking their head. They have to housesit for a whole two weeks and the place is a dump. They look out a back window and see a rundown in-ground swimming pool covered in algae. Justin slumps down on a dingy old couch, morose. “ROBOYORI FIND BEER!” Justin says he could use a cold one. ROBOYORI comes in with the beer. It’s Schmidt’s Thai. Oh, great. Sure enough, Justin opens the beer and suddenly the house is transformed into a beautiful bachelor pad complete with arcade games and of course, Thai Hookers everywhere. Well, if you’re gonna steal, steal from the best. ROBOYORI (now in a Hawaiian shirt) and Justin start a conga line with the Thai Hookers poolside. ROBOYORI and Justin check out the hot Thailand Beach Bunnies. “ROBOYORI PENETRATE NOW?” But Justin says the party’s just starting. A bunch of Thai hookers toss ROBOYORI into the pool and he starts shooting sparks and rampaging through the veranda as Justin laughs heartily, a thai hooker on each arm. “I’m Justin Evitable, if I win Lord of the Boards, Thai hookers will come to your house and have sex with you. Vote for Justin Evitable for Lord of the Boards on mbe.com. I’m Justin Evitable and I approved this message….”
“AND SO DOES ROBOYORI”
Classy, MBE, classy.
LATE NIGHT WITH PROMO AND FRIENDS
A graphic and voiceover helpfully informs us that the following is the opinion of Promo only. MBE had no hand in the creation of the following segment and accepts no responsibility for the content therein. Okay then. A hot little red-headed minky, apparently named Taylor O’Connoll welcomes us to an exclusive interview with MBE “legend” (the quotes are mine, not hers) and uncrowned world champion, The Underground Icon, Promo. She thanks the suit bedecked Promo for sitting down for an interview with her. Promo says he was more than happy to find an unbiased reporter, such as herself to find a few minutes to sitdown with and talk about his match. After all, the fans deserve to know the truth, not filtered through the Yori/Yamada spin machine and their puppet lackey, Biff Bentley. Taylor asks Promo how he felt at the last WNW when PbPro was kicked out of MBE. Promo congratulates Taylor for having the guts to ask the tough questions first. He says he was humiliated, who wouldn’t be? To have legends of the sport treated like that. Freakfish helped build MBE, and Yamada and Yori just tossed him aside to continue their sex pervert parade. A is a one of the seven wonders of the wresting world, and Yamada hit him from behind with a sake bottle. That cowardly act is something Yamada and his family will have to live with. And Yori…well, Yori got lucky. Any other day and Yamada and the queers are scraping him up off the mat. But hey, MBE fans should enjoy their little moment, their little humiliation of The Underground Icon. Put it away and save it for a rainy day. Cause it is the last one they will ever have. Taylor asks Promo, then, why he stayed in MBE.
Promo says its not like he didn’t have promotions across the globe crawling up inside his ass trying to get the best real estate to kiss it as soon as they heard he might be a free agent. But The Underground Icon doesn’t run away when the going gets tough or a better offer comes along (whatever you say, sport). He joined up with PbPro to save MBE, and a preacher never gives up on his flock. No matter how far they have strayed. And now, Taylor says, you finally got a shot at your world heavyweight championship. Promo says he wanted to wait for the proper moment to take back what is his. And what better place than on a new network in front of MBE’s most loyal fans at the arena? What better place to reveal Doc Silver as the fraud he is. Doc’s what everyone claims Promo is. A federation killer, a kiss ass, a man who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But most of all, he is a paper champion. Who has he beat, Justin Evitable? He never could have gotten a sniff of Promo’s ass in the glory days of MBE. Andy Gilkison? Andy’s the biggest choker who ever lived, ask anyone who he challenged for the title. Duchess? Do I really need to even go there. Come on now. Doc had a nice little run, but play time is over. Tonight, he steps into the big leagues. He enters the Underground Icon’s domain. And he won’t be walking out. Taylor thanks Promo for his time and hopes they can do it again soon. Well, that was some fine, fine work. Leni Riefenstahl would be proud.
MBE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH: THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY LOT v. THE THRILLBILLIES (c)
The tag team titles are hanging from the rafters, which means it is time for our ladder match! A video recap package helpfully outlines the feud for any newcomers to the show. Though I have to admit, all the shots of Hillbillies running around in Godzilla suits and the masked Sheffield United Lot probably doesn’t quite do the intensity of the feud justice. The first couple rows are littered with drunks in Sheffield Wednesday kits now. My half-assed count put it at almost twenty, and the crowd is almost split down the middle as the familiar chanting starts over the loudspeaker. “Conquest of Paradise’ hits and here’s “Gentleman” Nate MacNally (the quotes are the production truck’s not mine) and Mac Forrest. (Confidential to Danny in Madison, WI- No, Juen Lee isn’t actually practicing luge in Korea.) They pause for their traditional pint with the Lot’s Lot in the front row. They limber up in the ring as Nate does jumping jacks and Mac does squat thrusts…OLD SKOOL~!
And here come the Billies, still out to “Black Betty,” but sans Jimmy Donovan, who, as we reported in the Chronicle, has parted ways with the company. Probably a combination of financial and creative reasons when it finally came down to it. Hoss tests the ladder’s sturdiness while Jake stares down the Lot. Only one ladder at ringside, a change from the fifteen ladder stunt shows you might be used to. We’ll see how it works out. Jake turns to get Hoss into the ring, and Mac uses the opportunity to whip Nate towards the ropes….LUCHA HOOLIGAN~! Hoss saw it coming at the last second and shoved Jake out of the way, but he took the full on brunt of that Tope Suicida. He and Nate clatter into the ladder. Mac tries to baseball slide out through Jake, but the Billy sidesteps the hooligan and meets him with some big right hands. Mac gives as good as he gets and whips Jake towards the elevated ramp. Jake SPACEMANS onto the ramp and moonsaults off onto Mac. Man, that was some tight rotation right there.
Meanwhile, Nate has chucked Hoss over the barricade and they are brawling through the capacity crowd. Security clears a bit of a space for them. Nate tries to whip Mac into a sea of chairs, but finds it reversed and himself chucked about five rows deep into the seating area. Hoss just picks chairs off the ground and starts firing them at the prone Nate, who is under about five chairs already. The crowd is going nuts as Hoss barrels towards Nate and squashes the Lot member with A PILE O’ CHAIR AIDED SENTON~! That was certifiably ludicrous.
Jake rolls Mac into the ring and springboards in with an Air Bill
man, but Mac has it scouted from last week and rolls underneath. Jake adjusts and lands on his feet. He runs the ropes and knocks Mac down with a flying cross chop in the blink of an eye. Damn, Jake’s a quick little number. Mac pops back up just in time to eat a high angle dropkick that sends him back to the canvas. Outside the ring, the gentleman is being dragged by his hair towards the barricade by Hoss. Nate is rudely deposited over the barricade and onto the mats outside the ring, and to add injury to…well, injury, Hoss slams the ladder on him as well. Hoss hops onto the barricade and looks to do something very hurty, but Nate cuts him off, slamming the ladder back up towards him and knocking the tag champ off the barricade and back into the crowd. Meanwhile, in the ring, Jake flips out of a suplex attempt and catches Mac with a jawjacker. Irish whip is reversed, though, and Nate catches Jake across the back with the ladder when he hits the ropes. Nate slides the ladder into the ring and Mac gets his suplex, but this time Jake goes back first into the steel.
The Lot take control with some nice double teams, including ye olde battering ram. Haven’t seen that in a while. Nate makes the first climb of the night while Mac tries to hold off Jake. He misses Hoss sliding into the ring though and Hoss pushes the ladder over, sending Nate barreling headfirst into the far turnbuckle. Now it’s the Billies turn for some double teams, Mac leapfrogs Hoss and eats a rolling kick from Jake, followed by a big Hansen-style elbow drop from Hoss. Jake sets the ladder up in the corner and whips Mac into it. Nate gets whipped in as well, splashing his own partner, and Jake whips Hoss in, creating a Sheffield sandwich against the steel.
Hoss tries to make the climb now, but Jake can’t contain both hooligans, and he gets dropkicked into the ladder which sends Hoss flying off and crotch first onto the top turnbuckle. The Lot grab the ladder and clothesline Jake with it. Man, Jake just SNAPPED to the mat there. Nate sets up the ladder while Mac whips Jake into the ropes, drop toe hold and Jake goes GRILL FIRST into the bottom step. Hope MBE has a better dental plan now. Nate adds a CURBSTOMP on the ladder and Jake is busted open. Just to make sure, Mac rubs the Billy’s head back and forth on the bottom step. Hoss dives in with a spear to save his partner from further abuse. That is less effective than he might like as in a flash, Nate has pulled Hoss off his partner and subjects him to an arm capture neckbreaker. Now it’s Hoss’s turn to take some punishment as Mac busts out the always awesome LADDER AIDED SHEFFIELD STOMP~! Chanting and stomping commence.
Finally, the Lot decide to make the climb for the belts. For some reason both of them head up top. I guess they figure if one gets knocked off, then the other can grab the belts. What they don’t count on is Jake McCody getting his bloody ass up to the top rope and catching each of them with one leg of a SPRINGBOARD MISSILE DROPKICK! Jesus! I can’t imagine the timing and control needed to keep ya from going crotch first into the ladder there. Nate falls to the canvas, Mac crotches himself on the top rope and slides slowly down to the outside area. Jake drops Nate with his Slackjaw style neckbreaker, as somewhere Troy Windham is shoving his residual down the G-string of a nice woman named Candi. Jake makes the climb. He gets up to the top step! No! Nate makes the desperation save, shoving the ladder over. BUT JAKE MCCODY LEAPS OFF AT THE LAST SECOND! HYOOOGE PLANCHA ONTO MAC! Mac goes splat! Damn, that had some SERIOUS hang time on it.
Hoss and Nate left in the ring and Nate wastes no time whipping Hoss into the corner. Hoss flips over the top turnbuckles and lands on the apron. He runs the apron towards the ladder, resting on the ropes. Nate moves to cut him off but gets the ladder slammed into his face. On the outside, Jake is giving Mac some payback, slamming his head into the barricade and rubbing it against the exposed concrete. Yep, Mac is bleeding buckets now. Hoss works Nate over with some fierce elbow drops, before going for the DIXIE DRIVAH~! Nate slips out though and counters with a half nelson bulldog. He goes for the ladder. He’s got it. Hoss is getting up and he eats the ladder RIGHT IN THE MUSH. Nate drives it down into his ribs a few times before positioning Hoss for the HILLSBOROUGH GARROTTE on the ladder! No! Jake makes the save with an AIR BILL(Y)MAN and all three end up in a heap on the mat. Jake goes right for the ladder, but Nate clears the cobwebs and follows him up for DA BELTS Jake gets to the top first, but eats a Euro uppercut from the Englishman as he reaches for the belts. A second one nearly tips Jake off the ladder, but he fires back with a star-spangled hambone. He nimbly avoids Nate’s rejoinder and slams the hooligans head into the ladder. Jake adds a headbutt for good measure before hopping the ladder, twisting and HOLY CRAPOLA! JONESVILLECANRANA OFF THE LADDER~! NATE IS DEHD! HE DEHD! That, my friends, was nuts. Hoss crawls to the ladder, Mac crawls into the ring. Jake is clutching his ribs. Nate is dehd. See kids, always wear your motorcycle helmet when getting reverse rana’d off a ladder. And stay in school, too.
Hoss crawls to the ladder and starts making the slow climb, but here comes Mac. They both get to the top of the ladder at the same time and it’s FISTICUFFS~! Furious right hands are sent back and forth. Wednesday wobbles but he won’t fall down. Mac instead fires back with ye old thumb to the eye. He jabbed that sucker in there good. Hoss covers up, but that leaves him vulnerable to the HIGH TECH GRECO-ROMAN SHOVE~! And Hoss goes splat. All Mac has to do is grab the…you idiot…stop chanting. JESUS! SHEFFIELD SQUASH OFF THE LADDER. That limey idiot just CRUSHED HOSS! Hoss is coughing up blood, and Mac might have just cost his team the titles cause Jake is on his feet and Nate is, wait…nope, still dehd.
Jake is making the climb, and there is nothing to stop him as both Lot are….WAIT A MINUTE! Out from the back is JUEN LEE! AND HE’S GOT A LUGE IN TOW! That is dedication to one’s craft. I hope he doesn’t plan on using it to get to ringside….No, no, he plans on bouncing it off Jake McCody’s skull. Yes, that makes more sense. Jake is down! Juen smashes it over Hoss and he starts to make the climb…you have got to be kidding me, JUEN HAS THE BELTS! The Lot…well, Juen, Mac and an unconscious Nate, celebrate like they have won the titles, but there is no official word yet. Mac isn’t waiting to here, though and he and Juen drag Nate up the ramp, belts in tow. Jake and Hoss regain their senses and charge after the Lot. Juen runs like a scared little girl, belts in tow, while Mac gets double-teamed. Nate just sort of lies there in a pile. Yori comes out onto the ramp with the roving band of refs and tells the two teams to cut it out. He says he appreciates a bit of trickeration as much as the next guy, but Juen Lee was not an official participant in the match, and thus can’t win the titles for anyone. As far as he is concerned the belts are still in play, and whoever finds Juen first and gets them back is the tag champs. Consider it a bit of a scavenger hunt. Okay then.
TO BE CONTINUED (21:47 of official action)
The Billies make a limping beeline for the back past Yori as Mac tries to shake some sense into Nate. That’s gonna be slowing going. The match was loads of fun with enough crazy spots to satisfy the stunt show enthusiasts and enough pacing and psych to satisfy the connoisseurs. Plus, FLYING LUGE!
BINGHAMTON! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
Grainy, psychedelic footage of rock and roll star Duke Mason appears on the screen. I feel like I am on drugs. No doubt this has to be a Yori hire. “You’ve seen him rock…..you’ve seen him roll.” Now we get kaleidoscope footage of him in the wrestling ring. “Now see him in Message Board Entertainment.” “MBE…ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?” I am ready for an aspirin or two.
THE CHAMP GRACES US WITH HIS PRESENCE
The Biffmeister is backstage with Doc Silver. It seems Doc is tired of hearing everyone say that he is just a paper champ, that he never beat Promo, who’s the real world champ. On second thought, actually, no one has said that. Not one person thinks Promo is legit. Why could that be Doc wonders. Maybe because all Promo has proven since coming back to MBE is he can coast by on his legacy, not that Doc would know anything about that. All he’s done is lose to Andy Gilkison a whole bunch of times, who, if you weren’t paying attention to our last show, Doc handled quite capably along with Duchess, who get this, also handed Promo his ass. Promo has his delusions, like any novice poker player, that he can sit down at the poker table and bluff the big boys, but if Doc has shown anything in MBE, it’s that he is bad beat proof. Ah, poker metaphors. Now Doc knows that he has to do business. Promo was the last champ of the company, and he got a rematch clause written into his new contract. If that’s the way it is, fine, Promo can just be another victim on the endless path to misery. Cause he’s only happy when it rains. Really Doc, are ya?
VOTE FOR JEFFREY ROBERTS
Roberts walks by the camera completely naked, munching on a Twix bar….thankfully, the naughty bits are blurred. For some reason, Roberts is bleeding, oh wait, he has tattooed “Vote for Me” on his back. Hmm, that’s obviously not professional work, maybe carved is a better word. Okay, you’ve got my vote. Just make it stop!
ROBOYORI v. JOHNNY ONAN
Yep, it's my favorite time of the show again. The time where we break out the wrestling robot. You know, I have to complement MBE on its straightforward, logical booking. First, we get the match-up between the two ex-soldiers with psychological issues and now we get sexy model contra sexy robot. I eagerly await Promo against the French wrestling legend Vignette, and of course, Professor Tremendous contra Midget Professor Tremendous. The YORobot is out first, and like all of Yori’s quality made goods, breaks down half way to the ring and starts shooting sparks and marauding through the audience with pelvic thrusts. The arena crowd seems fairly non-plussed, and, in fact, a few daring lasses even stuff some dollar bills into the rampaging sexbot’s waistband. DRINKS ARE ON SEXBOT~!
Smitty and the Thai hooker design team try and wrangle the rampaging robot as the arena gets 100% sexier with the arrival of Johnny Onan. For all the grief I occasionally get in from Chronicle readers for my descriptions of male physique, I must say Onan is quite the impressive physical specimen. And he looks like he can crush paint cans in between his forearms. He still is a bit raw, but the potential is there for him to be a breakout star. With Lord of the Boards coming up, his name has been bandied about as a trendy sleeper pick among the industry’s intelligensia. My money is still on Jeffrey Roberts, but only time will tell.
Smitty and crew corral ROBOYORI into the ring, finally. Onan seems more than a little perturbed by the delay. Must be cutting into his time on the curling machine. Onan and the sex robot lock up. Onan is shoved to the mat and the robot starts doing the running man. A classy competitor to the core. Onan is up quickly and levels the YORobot with a right hand. Okay, maybe not so much. Onan tries to shake some feeling back into his hand, but all the sex robot wants to do is dance. He clocks Onan with an elbow while doing the twist. Onan is none too happy. But really, how do you gameplan for the sexbot. A kick to the leg goes about as well as the punch, leaving Onan with a Charlie horse. ROBOYORI runs the ropes (?!) and tries some sort of ballet or perhaps wrestling move. It’s unclear. Anyway, Onan dodges and ROBOYORI smashes into the turnbuckle. Onan locks on a sleeper and ROBOYORI is in trouble. The sexbot tries doing the swim, but even his power of dance can’t escape the tight grasp of Onan’s arms. Finally ROBOYORI manages to back Onan into the corner where he breaks the hold with some reverse pelvic thrusting. Oooh, must have had a software upgrade. Onan kicks the sexbot off and ascends to the middle turnbuckle, where he leaps off with a SUHWEET missile dropkick, especially for a man of his size. The sexbot stays on his feet, though.
Onan charges again but gets caught by surprise (as are all of us) as the sexbot hiptosses him to the mat. Another hiptoss and clearly the beta version of Hiptoss 3.1 is ready for market. Onan isn’t entirely sure what to do next, so he charges in again. This time, though, he blocks the hiptoss attempt and tries to do one of his own….hmmm, not so much with the hiptossing he is. The robot is ANGRY and goes for a clothesline. Onan ducks and goes downstairs with a kick out of the sightline off the ref, and the sexbot is doubled over. Obviously, the realistic groinal technology is up to snuff. Onan waits for the robot to turn around….HEADLOCK FROM HELL! It’s truly the immoveable object meets the irresistible force. Hmmm, maybe this isn’t such an accurate robot clone of Yori, as it isn’t tapping out yet. The robot tries to power Onan off him, but those biceps of doom won’t budge….OH MY GOD HE POPPED THE ROBOT’S HEAD OFF! The headless robot is still dancing, with that same creepy smile on his decapitated head….awwwwwwwkward. The crowd has no idea what to make of this, though there are a few shrieks of terror from the ladies in the audience. ROBOYORI seems oddly unaffected, but the ref decides that the robot can’t really continue the match with its head extricated from its body. That seems like a reasonable rule.
WINNER: JOHNNY ONAN (5:32: Headlock from Hell-> Ref stoppage)
Well, that wasn’t a technical clinic or anything, but MY GOD JOHNNY ONAN POPPED THE HEAD OFF THE SEXBOT LIKE HE WAS OPENING A JAR OF PICKLES! I would not want to meet that man in a dark alley… or on the catwalk, on the catwalk, where he does his little dance on the catwalk. Sorry, got distracted by Onan’s theme there for a second. The Thai hookers bring the hand truck into the ring to wheel the headless YORobot to the back for some much needed repairs. The headless robot keeps trying to dance, and the decapitated sexbot’s awkward pelvic thrusts will surely haunt my nightmares for years to come.
THE PLOT THICKENS
Backstage agains, as the Billies are tearing around, searching high and low for the missing Korean with their missing title belts. They run across That New 70s Team, lounging around the craft’s service table They ask the disco rejects if they have seen any diminutive Korean running around here with their tag team belts. Boogie says no, but asks how they let Juen Lee get his grubby hands on the MBE Tag Titles. Hoss colorfully explains and honestly I can only decode about half his bluster. Super Cool keys in pretty quickly. “so man, like anyone who finds Juen can get the belts?” Hoss supposes so. “Groovy.” Uh-oh…Jake quickly puts two and two together and the teams immediately commence with the brawling. Hoss and Jake manage to toss the 70s boys into a nearby supply closet and quickly barricade the door. The hunt continues.
JEFFREY ROBERTS v. JUSTIN EVITABLE
Time for a big singles match as the True Face takes on the True Nutjob. As reported on the Chronicle blog and later confirmed on MBE.com, this match has large ramifications for the upcoming LotB tournament. The winner here will get an automatic bye into the semifinals and the inside track at scoring the title of Lord of the Boards and the number one contendership to the MBE World Heavyweight Championship. You’d think both would have to be chomping at the bit for a shot at Big Goldy, Justin to finish what he started eight months ago, and Roberts to make a splash on the national scene once again.
The True Face is out first, with the usual cavalcade of fornicators, sans headless sexbot, of course. Justin stops at ringside to sign some breasts of questionable legality. No wait, Justin stops and asks for ID, what a buzzkill. He has Smitty examine the ID closely…nope, it’s legit and Justin signs on the dotted line. Obviously, she needs to find a better plastic surgeon. You’d hope Justin would be a little more focused on the match at hand then almost underage titties, but it is Justin Evitable, after all. Here comes Jeffrey Roberts. I can’t understand why more people aren’t full-on the J-Rob bandwagon, maybe he needs a cool nickname or something. Something cooler than J-Rob at least, e-mail me your best suggestions and we’ll put up a poll on the Chronicle blog sometime this week. Roberts hurdles the top rope, fakes like he is going to play to the fans and promptly steamrolls across the ring and dropkicks Justin into the turnbuckles, See, this is exactly what I am talking about. Roberts whips Justin out of the corner and follows with the old Tiger Mask flip, except instead of ending with a thrust kick he just starts biting Justin. Okay then. No doubt Justin has paid a Thai Dominatrix to do worse to him, but he doesn’t take to kindly to Roberts here. Of course, in his defense, Roberts isn’t exactly less likely to be riddled with disease.
The True Face shoves Roberts off him, and tries to give J-Rob some lockjaw of his own, hitting a running elbow out of the corner. Justin plays to the crowd with some pelvic thrusting and hits a running leg drop. Only gets one and a half. Justin scoops J-Rob up and deposits him back on the mat with a snap suplex. Very crisp. Justin goes to work on Roberts’ lower back with a half crab, and after a bit of fight from J-Rob, flips him over into the hold. Roberts crawls to the ropes to force a break. Justin wastes no time following up with a modified backbreaker and gets a two count. Some more posing, but this time Justin finds only mat on his running flip senton. Justin shakes it off, but runs into a spinning heel kick from J-Rob and the True Face finds himself on the canvas. Roberts unleashes a flurry of forearm drops, one after the other, across Justin’s forehead. Roberts is a man possessed. He adds some just vicious looking stomps to the back of Justin’s neck as Ref Yakamo warns him about using the flat off the boot. Hey, unlike his twin brother, he actually has some grasp of the rules of wrestling. Roberts seems less than impressed with Yakamo’s acumen and keeps with the stomping. He finally covers and gets a two count out of that borderline felonious assault.
J-Rob keeps the neckwork up, such as it is, with a nice looking hangman’s neckbreaker. He works a pair of two counts out of that, before switching to a modified half nelson with his knee planted squarely between the True Face’s shoulder blades. Hurty looking. The Thai Hooker brigade gets the crowd behind Justin as they make with the synchronous clapping. Justin slowly slips out of the hold enough to make it up to his feet. Roberts is still torquing his neck with the half nelson, though. Right hand to the gut. Another! J-Rob loosens the grip…Justin spins around…ezuigiri! Roberts staggers back against the ropes. Irish whip, but Justin telegraphs the backdrop and Roberts stop shorts and drives an elbow into Justin’s neck. Justin drops to one knee and Roberts near clear punts his head off with a roundhouse kick. Roberts covers…two and a half! Roberts quickly starts looking for a piledriver, but Justin goes DOWNSTAIRS to block it. Justin snaps off a DDT and takes a breather. He’s up first, though and looks for the VMA. Roberts blocks! He tries to counter with a neckbreaker. Justin spins out…SKEETBOARD! Roberts is down. Justin stops to have the Thai hookers rub his neck a little bit…okay, he’s waiting on Roberts…he’s got him by the hair…he’s simulating fellatio, could it be the… VIDA INFRA~! NO! ROBERTS BLOCKS! He slides Justin onto his shoulders…RUNNING LYGER BOMB! Right on Justin’s injured neck…is it enough….YES! Roberts scores the three count out of nowhere as Justin gets his right shoulder up a split second too late.
WINNER: JEFFREY ROBERTS (8:56: Running Lyger Bomb)
Justin is none too happy, but he may have given that one away there with the taunting. You’d like to see him a little bit more serious in Lord of the Boards, as now he has the hard way to go…worked out okay for him in the title tourney, I guess. We’ll see how it goes. Roberts continues to roll. Match was all right, a little aborted in a way with Roberts pulling the Lyger bomb out of thin air. Would like to see a longer rematch down the line.
VOTE FOR JOHNNY ONAN
That damn catchy theme song is back. And Johnny Onan is blasting his arms on the curling machine. This is borderline homoerotic. But apparently everyone loves Johnny Onan, as the other bodybuilders watch in amazement as the stacks of weights go up and down. Johnny gets off the machine and struts into the shower, he does his catwalk in a towel down to his locker. This is bizarre. Johnny drops the towel and thankfully the camera stays above waist level. THIS SHOW NEEDS LESS MALE NUDITY. Johnny says you should vote for him, because he is the biggest man in MBE and he flexes those biceps again. Yori is not gonna be happy about that insinuation, no he is not.
THE HARDY BOYS AND THE MYSTERY OF THE HAUNTED COVE, I MEAN, SEARCH FOR THE MISSING TAG TITLES
Mac has commandeered the sexbot’s handtruck (in fact you can see him slumped over in the corner, still headless and thrusting) and is carting the still drowsy Nate around on it. Mac should have known this would happen. Juen has been having panic attacks around southerners ever since that luging accident where he jumped the track and slammed right through a Roy Rogers advertisement. Right-o then. Mac cogitates on how best to lure the little bugger out of hiding. Mac wonders if maybe some cabbage would to the trick. Juen likes cabbage, he thinks. Yori butts in and offers that maybe he is thinking about Kim Chee. Mac complains that this is all Yori’s fault. They won the titles fair and square…err…they won the titles! Yori said he is just trying to be helpful, and won’t even make a big stink about Mac stealing the sex robot’s handtruck, cause that is just the kind of guy he is. Mac says Kim Chee, eh, and Yori mentions how he slept with a foreign exchange student named Kim Chee in high school. Mac doesn’t think that will help his current predicament. Yori says, won’t it, though. After all, is there anything in life that can be solved by a nubile, slutty Korean woman? Food for thought, certainly. And I am sure the Lot will have no problem finding one in Binghamton.
MBE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: PROMO v. DOC SILVER (c)
Ladies and gentlepeople, it is time for our main event as MBE World Champeen Doc Silver tries to continue his run at the top against The Underground Icon, who is looking to join the elite ranks of multiple time MBE champions. I’d say these two don’t like each other, but that would be kind of redundant, since both don’t really like anybody. It’ll be interesting to see how the crowd responds. Doc’s run is fast becoming one of the more underrated ones in MBE history. Granted, we can argue level of competition from here until the cow’s come home, but with a reign only topped in length by Maggot and Freakfish, he certainly has made his mark. Yes, it’s been marred by a lot of legal wrangling, but you can say that about most of Doc’s title reigns And, granted, he hasn’t looked dominating, and it hasn’t always been pretty, but he always finds a way to win. And as Sam Snead used to say, at the end of the day, they don’t ask how, just how many.
Promo is out first and SHOCK OF SHOCKS, the crowd is none too pleased to see him waltzing down the rampway. The camera cuts to a “Doc Silver: Lesser of Two Evils” sign, granted, it’s right next to a “Free the MBE Goat” sign, so let’s not give too much credit to the fans for critical thinking. Promo looks focused tonight, not even stopping to jaw at the fans or wearing a jersey from a rival AA baseball squad. That’s a first for him at the arena.
Doc enters with his usual pomp and circumstance and Garbage theme, but sans Dority and Greenie. Confidence, much? Predominantly jeers from the audience, but not as strong as usual, and there is definitely some cheering mixed in. Only Promo could make Doc a conquering hero at the arena. Well, at least as close to a conquering hero as he will ever be in his life. I think the only thing worse than Doc as champ for the diehards is seeing Promo on the same level as Spoils, Professor Tremendous and Hida Yakamo. Well, that and probably ever having to see the Social Misfits again.
Promo gets right in Doc’s face to start, snatching the belt out of Doc’s hands and clocking him with it. Ouch. The bell hasn’t rung yet, so that is above board. Promo tosses the belt aside as Ref Thunder collects it. Promo STOMPS down on Doc’s head with authority as the champ tries to collect himself. Promo means business tonight. Irish whip and a sharp spinebuster puts Doc back on the mat. Promo covers, but Ref Thunder quickly discerns that Promo is choking Doc and administers a five count. Promo lets up long enough to drive some knees into Doc’s kidneys. People forget that Promo can be a scary dude when he is on. After all he beat Paco for the title when the MBE legend was on a very strong run of form. Doc still hasn’t gotten his bearings and gets tossed to the floor. Promo wastes no time following up and god save us all a “Let’s Go Doc” chant has started as somewhere Juen Lee is luging down the River Styx. Doc gets posted into the steps and the champ is cut! Promo rips the mats outside the ring up and rolls into the ring to break the count. He sets Doc for a suplex onto the concrete. Doc is trying to block it. Promo with some short rights to the ribs to try and soften Doc up. Doc reverses! And Promo is suplexed onto the mats. Big pop for that as we enter bizzaro MBE world.
Promo is up first though and rolls into the ring. Doc follows, barely beating the ten count. Promo goes for a big right, but Doc blocks and counters with an eye rake, a follows with a few rights of his own. He switches to chops and drives the challenger back into the corner. Irish whip and Promo hits the turnbuckle and caroms out and slams right into Doc with a flying back elbow. Damn, Tito. Promo is all business tonight. Promo lays Doc out with a HARD scoop slam and measure the champ for a fist drop, but Doc rolls out of the way and Promo’s knuckle sandwich eats the mat. Promo is like the T-1000 though, he keeps coming. A series of kicks to the midsection double Doc over and the Undergound Icon follows with a nasty knee lift that snaps Doc back to the canvas. This time the fist drop hits and Promo gets a two count out of it. He slams his forearm down across Doc’s jaw and leans down hard into another pinfall. Another two count. I don’t want to say Doc took Promo too lightly, cause none of us have seen him look this dominating in a while, but he needs to get a break in a bad way.
Promo just tosses Doc face first into the corner and starts punishing his kidneys with right and lefts. Doc fires some back elbows to Promo’s jaw, but the former champ just shrugs them off and deposits Doc on the mat with a belly to back suplex, floating over for another two count. Irish whip, but Promo sets a split second too early and eats a kick to the mush. The challenger staggers back SUPERK…No! Promo ducks! But eats the DDT! Both men are down as Doc gets some much needed breathing room. Promo is still up first as Thunder gets to six on his standing ten count. Promo hoists the champ by his hair, but Doc fires off an uppercut. He throws some standing jabs to back Promo off and then lets loose with a jumping knee strike. Promo hits the ropes and Doc drops him with a double leg. SHOOTER SILVER~! Doc throws some punches from the mount, but Promo grabs the ropes to force a break. Doc breaks with a few parting stomps to the challenger’s gut. Doc is on Promo as he rises, shoving him back into the corner and throwing some elbow strikes. Irish whip to the near corner is reversed, but Doc sidesteps the charge and Promo crashes into the turnbuckles. Doc catches Promo with a jumping neckbreaker as Promo stumbles backwards out of the corner. That gets two. OOOH FACE WASH! The crowd approves. Doc gives Promo a receipt as he stoops for the old blatant choke. He breaks at four and DOES IT AGAIN. TAKE YOUR FIVE COUNT AND SHOVE IT REF THUNDER! Promo struggles to get some air into his lungs as the champ stalks him. Kick to the gut…ACE’S FUL….Nope, Promo shoves Doc off with enough force that Doc goes over the top rope and lands on the apron.
Promo charges in but eats an elbow. He avoids the second one though and snaps Doc’s neck across the top rope. Doc flies off like he was shot with a gun AND CRACKS HIS SKULL ON THE EXPOSED CONCRETE! YIKES! Taste the Nestea Plunge. Hmmm, tastes like bile and my own blood. Promo stops to gloat, before realizing there is no way Doc beats the ten count and he can’t win the belt by countout. He rolls Doc back in and covers, but Doc gets his foot on the rope. Promo drags him into the center of the ring, and Doc BARELY gets his shoulder up before the three count. Doc has the full-on thousand-yard stare and Promo locks on a cobra clutch variation and tries to lull Doc into unconsciousness. Doc is struggling mightily, but not really getting anywhere. Ref Thunder checks him….one arm drop…two arm dro…No, Doc has a little pep left, and he stretches to get his leg under the bottom rope. Promo doesn’t even bother moving Doc, simply measuring the champ and driving a knee drop across his forehead. I know Silver can take a beating but he looks seriously CONCUSSED. Promo drags him to the center of the ring…2.9! Promo has had enough and locks Doc in for a German Suplex. Doc goes limp and Promo can’t quite get the champ off his feet. Doc throws some limp-wristed elbows that just glance off the Undergournd Icon. Doc manages to get a hold of the ropes for balance, and while the ref tells Promo to break the waistlock, Doc goes DOWNTOWN with the mule kick. That brought some life back into the crowd. That wily bastard. Doc stumbles after letting go of the ropes. His equilibrium must be shot. Promo is up now and not happy, but DOC WITH THE SUPERKICK! Promo let his guard down a bit and Doc snuck one off. He flops on top…only gets two and a half. The glassy-eyed champ rolls out for a bit of a breather and tries to get his bearings back.
It doesn’t last long though, as Promo collects himself in the ring and slides out after Doc. Doc meets him with some fisticuffs, but Promo CRACKS the champ with a standing headbutt, that knocks Doc a little woozy. Promo tries to post Silver into the barricade, but Doc has enough presence to turn and take most of the impact on his back, protecting his battered noggin. Promo drags the world champ over to the concrete and he’s looking for the old piledriver. The crowd doesn’t like that idea one bit, and this could be it right here. Doc struggles to block. Promo gets his legs up in the air but Doc is kicking for all he is worth. DOC REVERSES IT! Back body drop and the Underground Icon smacks against the unforgiving concrete floor! Doc falls against the apron but remains upright…mostly. He crawls into the ring and starts praying that Promo won’t beat the ten count, but the challenger rolls under the bottom rope at 7. Doc follows up quickly with a fisherman’s suplex, but Promo is out at two and a half. Doc heads up top(?!) almost losing his balance on the way up. He steadies himself on the top. HIGHISH CROSSBODY PRESS~! NO! PROMO CATCHES HIM! He tries to shift the champ into position for a tombstone piledriver. That’s a bad place for Doc to be. Doc is trying to kick himself over….he does it! Now Promo is looking down at the canvas…TOMBSTONE! Doc pulls himself up by the ropes. The crowd is chanting for Doc! He’s got Promo in his sights. The challenger is up, but he doesn’t see Doc….KICK TO THE GUT! ACE’S FULL STUNNAHHH! Doc covers….2.9! Promo kicks out! Doc’s gotta be looking for the River…He’s got Promo up….NO! The challenger elbows free…he twists around….FADEOUT! He’s got Doc in the FADEOUT! Ooooh! Doc goes downstairs, and it would have been real tough for Lance to miss that and he is quickly in admonishing Doc. He says he is not gonna let Doc get away with a DQ, but he won’t let him follow up on that either and gives Promo time to recover. Heck, at this point the break will help Doc just as much.
Okay, Ref Thunder restarts the match and Promo is PISSED! Man they are just going toe to toe and slugging it out. I don’t know if that is a great gameplan for Doc. Sure enough Doc gets cracked with an elbow smash and a uraken and crumples in a heap. Promo covers….2.9! Doc is a tough bastard, you gotta give him that. Promo is signaling that it is time for the PROMOPLEX~! He’s got Doc up top. And he’s following him up. He’s got the waistlock…NO! Doc pushes off and counters with a HYOOOOGE STUNNER! ACE’S FULL OF KINGS?! I don’t know, Doc falls over and lands on top of Promo….THAT’S THREE!
WINNER: DOC SILVER (22:25- Top Rope Ace’s Full Stunner)
Doc doesn’t know where he is, but he has won the match. The ref raising his arm seems to wake him back up and being draped in his title makes him positively giddy, and then he falls over. Promo stirs and is pissed and grabs Doc and locks him in the Fadeout! Ref Thunder wrenches Promo off the champ and gets ye old pieface for his trouble. Promo leaves with the belt! The crowd is not happy! Promo holds it aloft and basks in the rain of trash as he heads up the rampway.
LAST STOP: BOTTOM FLOOR, FREYTAG’S PYRAMID
Oh, but we aren’t done yet as Juen Lee barrels out from the back past an annoyed Promo with both tag titles over his shoulder. Hoss is in hot pursuit…and Mac and his handtruck are in equally hot pursuit of Hoss. But where’s Jake. Hoss corners Juen by the rampways and orders him to hand over the belts as Juen crawls into the fetal position. Hoss is about to grab the belts when Mac crashes into him with the handtruck sending Nate, Hoss, and Juen all scattered into a heap. That seems to wake Nate up who comes up from the pile of bodies throwing bombs at anything that moves and muttering something about United bastards. Juen grabs the belts and runs towards the back, but there above the entrance way in the crowd is Jake McCody…OH DEAR GOD NO! Juen slows to a walk and turns to see if anyone is following him Jake is measuring up Juen….HE LEAPS OFF THE BALCONY AND FLATTENS JUEN WITH A HYOOOOOOOOOOGE SENTON DIVE! JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH, THE THREE WISE MEN AND THE ENTIRE CAST OF GODSPELL WAS THAT INSANE! The Lot and Hoss rush to the scene and both Juen and Jake are FOOKED! Not gonna help with Juen’s fear of Southerners. Wait….where’s the belts…Senior Referee Lance Thunder is back on the scene. He rolls Jake over. THE BILLY IS ON TOP OF THE BELTS! That’s good enough for Lance…He calls for the bell as Nate and Mac protest.
WINNER (and still tag team champions): THE THRILLBILLIES
Jake is clutching his ribs and bleeding from the mouth, but he is smiling the bloody smile of victory. The Billies retain the belts. The Lot don’t know what to do. Mac is just shaking his head and looking at the carnage. He gives Hoss a HUG! He says Jake is a tough little git and he’s gotta give him props. He and Nate help Jake up and raise the Billies’ hands. All four shake hands as the crowd shows its appreciation for the four competitors. What will the Lot do with themselves for a year…I shudder to think. We fade out to the logo as Till talks about great sportsmanship and class and Phantasmo makes gagging noises.
THE WRAP-UP
Spectacular debut show if nothing else. Jake McCody made himself a star tonight. Promo reaffirmed that he is one to be watched and JOHNNY ONAN POPPED THE HEAD OFF THE SEX ROBOT! We blew off a major feud and started the seeds for several more. If nothing else, they’ll hold the curiosity audience for the next couple weeks, but I wonder if they can keep putting on shows of this level of intensity without burning out the wrestlers. How Jake, Nate, Juen or Doc are supposed to wrestle in two weeks I have no idea, but we’ll see I guess. Still, you can’t argue with the match quality and with some big names set to debut in the coming weeks, MBE looks healthier than it has been in a while. Oh yeah, LESS MALE NUDITY PLEASE. I’ll be back tomorrow with ratings, rewind rewards and post-show notes on the Chronicle blog. See ya then.
“The New Neighbors Have a Hot Tub”
Live on ESEN from the MBE Arena, Binghamton NY
7/20/07
Matt Burke, reporting
We are live from the sold out MBE arena for Message Board Entertainment’s debut on ESEN. It’s really indicative of how much MBE means to the area that they can sell out a show here after all the controversy and financial problems of the last few months. The next two shows will be here as well, currently titled “Singled Out” and “Wednesday Night Warriors.” The plan is to make WNW a bigger event, more like the old Clash of the Champions, and only run a few a year. This one will feature the Lord of the Board semis matches, and lead into the Lord of the Boards PPV Sept. 9th from the Hammerstein Ballroom. Probably smart to run smaller buildings they know they can sell out, as a lot of their financial difficulties came from running buildings too large in areas where they never drew particularly well. I think the plan is to make MBE a regional promotion in terms of shows and try to get a national audience through ESEN.
For those that keep e-mailing me, there are, as of now, no current plan to run High Stakes this year. Their network issues and goat issues would have it difficult anyway, plus there have been issues with Yori’s casino. It looks like he will sell the property and open a smaller and slightly less gauche hotel and casino up the road in Reno. That’s more his aesthetic anyway. According to Direct TV the only scheduled MBE PPVs right now are Lord of the Boards, Total Elimination on November 11th from the Mohegan Sun Casino and Evolution on January 5th, 2008, site TBA. I wouldn’t be shocked to see High Stakes back next year in May, but that is a long way down the road.
Unlike everyone else on the internet, I will not be calling this show TIN HAT. Sorry.
Lights. Credits. Crowd shot. Back to business as usual.
PTSD v. GENERAL MAYHEM
The familiar bickering of Till and Dr. P welcome us to another MBE show. Phantasmo is bemoaning the loss of his beloved PbPro, he doesn’t know what will get him through the show, but someone has to counter Tillrules slanderous propagating, so he will soldier on. Till seems overjoyed.
We go right to action with two debuting superstars facing off in one on one action. General Mayhem comes out to his rousing military tune. The British are coming! The British are coming! Now if we could only get Larry the Luddite back. PTSD is out now, and he is one large person. Jeez. I guess they do grow them bigger out on the farm. Mayhem is a little annoyed, as he feels Petey isn’t giving proper respect to a man of his rank, and orders him to drop and give him 20 for insubordination. Yeah, that goes over well. He drops Mayhem instead with a big time clothesline. The General gets up to his feet and immediately finds himself locked into a full nelson. Petey shakes the General around bad before tossing him face first into the turnbuckles. PTSD follows with a series of shoulder blocks to the lower back, crushing Mayhem in the corner. This is a scary dude. Sidewalk slam leads to our first pinfall of the evening, but it only gets two. Petey whips Mayhem off the ropes and looks for a Samoan drop, but Mayhem slips out and locks on a sleeper. Petey slips out and shoves Mayhem towards the turnbuckles. Mayhem gets a foot up and bounces back off the turnbuckles and catches Petey with a hot shot across the turnbuckles as he charges in.
Mayhem is not happy and works over the SKULL. He sits Petey up and bounces some short rights off his opponent’s head and locks in ye olde chinlock. PTSD works his way back to his feet and elbows himself free. Mayhem responds by yanking his opponent back to the mat by his hair. Mayhem decides to teach Petey a lesson and grinds his forearm across his face. Mayhem’s got PTSD up and he DROPS him with a big time suplex. Nice feat of strength from the British brass. That gets two and Mayhem smoothly transitions into a sleeper. Petey isn’t so quick out of it this time. Mayhem does a good job of using his leverage to keep PTSD on the mat, all while barking orders at him not to be such a ninny. The ref is checking on PTSD as the crowd throws their support behind the crazy guy. Better that than a British sod, I guess. Amazingly, PTSD gets his arm up on drop number three and starts to show a bit of life…he’s up to his feet…he elbows out.
Mayhem goes for his hair again, but Petey swings around into a backdrop suplex. He is stomping away on Mayhem. He’s got him up…irish whip…Petey sets too early and Mayhem drives a forearm onto Petey’s back. He’s looking for a piledriver…no dice. Petey backdrops out of it. PTSD has Mayhem up…he hits a shoulder breaker. That gets two. Irish whip and this time he hits the Samoan Drop…a long two and a half. PTSD is going for the Texas Cloverleaf, he calls it the Stress Disorder. Mayhem reverses it into a small package! He’s got the tights! NO! PTSD is out at 2.9! I don’t think that particular maneuver was kosher under the Uniform Code of Conduct. PTSD goes for his rolling DDT, TRAUMA~! Mayhem blocks! Kick to the midsection…PILEDRIVER! Petey is down. Mayhem is dragging PTSD towards the corner…he’s got his legs….SHOT AT DAWN! Petey’s head and chest goes into the turnbuckles. Mayhem stacks him up in the corner….and that’s all she wrote!
WINNER: GENERAL MAYHEM (8:44: Shot at Dawn)
Fun little opener. PTSD is a monster, and I do love those dastardly Brits. Keep an eye out on these two at Lord of the Boards.
VOTE FOR JUSTIN EVITABLE
From inside a decrepit looking house we see Justin and the sexbot enter, shaking their head. They have to housesit for a whole two weeks and the place is a dump. They look out a back window and see a rundown in-ground swimming pool covered in algae. Justin slumps down on a dingy old couch, morose. “ROBOYORI FIND BEER!” Justin says he could use a cold one. ROBOYORI comes in with the beer. It’s Schmidt’s Thai. Oh, great. Sure enough, Justin opens the beer and suddenly the house is transformed into a beautiful bachelor pad complete with arcade games and of course, Thai Hookers everywhere. Well, if you’re gonna steal, steal from the best. ROBOYORI (now in a Hawaiian shirt) and Justin start a conga line with the Thai Hookers poolside. ROBOYORI and Justin check out the hot Thailand Beach Bunnies. “ROBOYORI PENETRATE NOW?” But Justin says the party’s just starting. A bunch of Thai hookers toss ROBOYORI into the pool and he starts shooting sparks and rampaging through the veranda as Justin laughs heartily, a thai hooker on each arm. “I’m Justin Evitable, if I win Lord of the Boards, Thai hookers will come to your house and have sex with you. Vote for Justin Evitable for Lord of the Boards on mbe.com. I’m Justin Evitable and I approved this message….”
“AND SO DOES ROBOYORI”
Classy, MBE, classy.
LATE NIGHT WITH PROMO AND FRIENDS
A graphic and voiceover helpfully informs us that the following is the opinion of Promo only. MBE had no hand in the creation of the following segment and accepts no responsibility for the content therein. Okay then. A hot little red-headed minky, apparently named Taylor O’Connoll welcomes us to an exclusive interview with MBE “legend” (the quotes are mine, not hers) and uncrowned world champion, The Underground Icon, Promo. She thanks the suit bedecked Promo for sitting down for an interview with her. Promo says he was more than happy to find an unbiased reporter, such as herself to find a few minutes to sitdown with and talk about his match. After all, the fans deserve to know the truth, not filtered through the Yori/Yamada spin machine and their puppet lackey, Biff Bentley. Taylor asks Promo how he felt at the last WNW when PbPro was kicked out of MBE. Promo congratulates Taylor for having the guts to ask the tough questions first. He says he was humiliated, who wouldn’t be? To have legends of the sport treated like that. Freakfish helped build MBE, and Yamada and Yori just tossed him aside to continue their sex pervert parade. A is a one of the seven wonders of the wresting world, and Yamada hit him from behind with a sake bottle. That cowardly act is something Yamada and his family will have to live with. And Yori…well, Yori got lucky. Any other day and Yamada and the queers are scraping him up off the mat. But hey, MBE fans should enjoy their little moment, their little humiliation of The Underground Icon. Put it away and save it for a rainy day. Cause it is the last one they will ever have. Taylor asks Promo, then, why he stayed in MBE.
Promo says its not like he didn’t have promotions across the globe crawling up inside his ass trying to get the best real estate to kiss it as soon as they heard he might be a free agent. But The Underground Icon doesn’t run away when the going gets tough or a better offer comes along (whatever you say, sport). He joined up with PbPro to save MBE, and a preacher never gives up on his flock. No matter how far they have strayed. And now, Taylor says, you finally got a shot at your world heavyweight championship. Promo says he wanted to wait for the proper moment to take back what is his. And what better place than on a new network in front of MBE’s most loyal fans at the arena? What better place to reveal Doc Silver as the fraud he is. Doc’s what everyone claims Promo is. A federation killer, a kiss ass, a man who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But most of all, he is a paper champion. Who has he beat, Justin Evitable? He never could have gotten a sniff of Promo’s ass in the glory days of MBE. Andy Gilkison? Andy’s the biggest choker who ever lived, ask anyone who he challenged for the title. Duchess? Do I really need to even go there. Come on now. Doc had a nice little run, but play time is over. Tonight, he steps into the big leagues. He enters the Underground Icon’s domain. And he won’t be walking out. Taylor thanks Promo for his time and hopes they can do it again soon. Well, that was some fine, fine work. Leni Riefenstahl would be proud.
MBE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH: THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY LOT v. THE THRILLBILLIES (c)
The tag team titles are hanging from the rafters, which means it is time for our ladder match! A video recap package helpfully outlines the feud for any newcomers to the show. Though I have to admit, all the shots of Hillbillies running around in Godzilla suits and the masked Sheffield United Lot probably doesn’t quite do the intensity of the feud justice. The first couple rows are littered with drunks in Sheffield Wednesday kits now. My half-assed count put it at almost twenty, and the crowd is almost split down the middle as the familiar chanting starts over the loudspeaker. “Conquest of Paradise’ hits and here’s “Gentleman” Nate MacNally (the quotes are the production truck’s not mine) and Mac Forrest. (Confidential to Danny in Madison, WI- No, Juen Lee isn’t actually practicing luge in Korea.) They pause for their traditional pint with the Lot’s Lot in the front row. They limber up in the ring as Nate does jumping jacks and Mac does squat thrusts…OLD SKOOL~!
And here come the Billies, still out to “Black Betty,” but sans Jimmy Donovan, who, as we reported in the Chronicle, has parted ways with the company. Probably a combination of financial and creative reasons when it finally came down to it. Hoss tests the ladder’s sturdiness while Jake stares down the Lot. Only one ladder at ringside, a change from the fifteen ladder stunt shows you might be used to. We’ll see how it works out. Jake turns to get Hoss into the ring, and Mac uses the opportunity to whip Nate towards the ropes….LUCHA HOOLIGAN~! Hoss saw it coming at the last second and shoved Jake out of the way, but he took the full on brunt of that Tope Suicida. He and Nate clatter into the ladder. Mac tries to baseball slide out through Jake, but the Billy sidesteps the hooligan and meets him with some big right hands. Mac gives as good as he gets and whips Jake towards the elevated ramp. Jake SPACEMANS onto the ramp and moonsaults off onto Mac. Man, that was some tight rotation right there.
Meanwhile, Nate has chucked Hoss over the barricade and they are brawling through the capacity crowd. Security clears a bit of a space for them. Nate tries to whip Mac into a sea of chairs, but finds it reversed and himself chucked about five rows deep into the seating area. Hoss just picks chairs off the ground and starts firing them at the prone Nate, who is under about five chairs already. The crowd is going nuts as Hoss barrels towards Nate and squashes the Lot member with A PILE O’ CHAIR AIDED SENTON~! That was certifiably ludicrous.
Jake rolls Mac into the ring and springboards in with an Air Bill
man, but Mac has it scouted from last week and rolls underneath. Jake adjusts and lands on his feet. He runs the ropes and knocks Mac down with a flying cross chop in the blink of an eye. Damn, Jake’s a quick little number. Mac pops back up just in time to eat a high angle dropkick that sends him back to the canvas. Outside the ring, the gentleman is being dragged by his hair towards the barricade by Hoss. Nate is rudely deposited over the barricade and onto the mats outside the ring, and to add injury to…well, injury, Hoss slams the ladder on him as well. Hoss hops onto the barricade and looks to do something very hurty, but Nate cuts him off, slamming the ladder back up towards him and knocking the tag champ off the barricade and back into the crowd. Meanwhile, in the ring, Jake flips out of a suplex attempt and catches Mac with a jawjacker. Irish whip is reversed, though, and Nate catches Jake across the back with the ladder when he hits the ropes. Nate slides the ladder into the ring and Mac gets his suplex, but this time Jake goes back first into the steel.The Lot take control with some nice double teams, including ye olde battering ram. Haven’t seen that in a while. Nate makes the first climb of the night while Mac tries to hold off Jake. He misses Hoss sliding into the ring though and Hoss pushes the ladder over, sending Nate barreling headfirst into the far turnbuckle. Now it’s the Billies turn for some double teams, Mac leapfrogs Hoss and eats a rolling kick from Jake, followed by a big Hansen-style elbow drop from Hoss. Jake sets the ladder up in the corner and whips Mac into it. Nate gets whipped in as well, splashing his own partner, and Jake whips Hoss in, creating a Sheffield sandwich against the steel.
Hoss tries to make the climb now, but Jake can’t contain both hooligans, and he gets dropkicked into the ladder which sends Hoss flying off and crotch first onto the top turnbuckle. The Lot grab the ladder and clothesline Jake with it. Man, Jake just SNAPPED to the mat there. Nate sets up the ladder while Mac whips Jake into the ropes, drop toe hold and Jake goes GRILL FIRST into the bottom step. Hope MBE has a better dental plan now. Nate adds a CURBSTOMP on the ladder and Jake is busted open. Just to make sure, Mac rubs the Billy’s head back and forth on the bottom step. Hoss dives in with a spear to save his partner from further abuse. That is less effective than he might like as in a flash, Nate has pulled Hoss off his partner and subjects him to an arm capture neckbreaker. Now it’s Hoss’s turn to take some punishment as Mac busts out the always awesome LADDER AIDED SHEFFIELD STOMP~! Chanting and stomping commence.
Finally, the Lot decide to make the climb for the belts. For some reason both of them head up top. I guess they figure if one gets knocked off, then the other can grab the belts. What they don’t count on is Jake McCody getting his bloody ass up to the top rope and catching each of them with one leg of a SPRINGBOARD MISSILE DROPKICK! Jesus! I can’t imagine the timing and control needed to keep ya from going crotch first into the ladder there. Nate falls to the canvas, Mac crotches himself on the top rope and slides slowly down to the outside area. Jake drops Nate with his Slackjaw style neckbreaker, as somewhere Troy Windham is shoving his residual down the G-string of a nice woman named Candi. Jake makes the climb. He gets up to the top step! No! Nate makes the desperation save, shoving the ladder over. BUT JAKE MCCODY LEAPS OFF AT THE LAST SECOND! HYOOOGE PLANCHA ONTO MAC! Mac goes splat! Damn, that had some SERIOUS hang time on it.
Hoss and Nate left in the ring and Nate wastes no time whipping Hoss into the corner. Hoss flips over the top turnbuckles and lands on the apron. He runs the apron towards the ladder, resting on the ropes. Nate moves to cut him off but gets the ladder slammed into his face. On the outside, Jake is giving Mac some payback, slamming his head into the barricade and rubbing it against the exposed concrete. Yep, Mac is bleeding buckets now. Hoss works Nate over with some fierce elbow drops, before going for the DIXIE DRIVAH~! Nate slips out though and counters with a half nelson bulldog. He goes for the ladder. He’s got it. Hoss is getting up and he eats the ladder RIGHT IN THE MUSH. Nate drives it down into his ribs a few times before positioning Hoss for the HILLSBOROUGH GARROTTE on the ladder! No! Jake makes the save with an AIR BILL(Y)MAN and all three end up in a heap on the mat. Jake goes right for the ladder, but Nate clears the cobwebs and follows him up for DA BELTS Jake gets to the top first, but eats a Euro uppercut from the Englishman as he reaches for the belts. A second one nearly tips Jake off the ladder, but he fires back with a star-spangled hambone. He nimbly avoids Nate’s rejoinder and slams the hooligans head into the ladder. Jake adds a headbutt for good measure before hopping the ladder, twisting and HOLY CRAPOLA! JONESVILLECANRANA OFF THE LADDER~! NATE IS DEHD! HE DEHD! That, my friends, was nuts. Hoss crawls to the ladder, Mac crawls into the ring. Jake is clutching his ribs. Nate is dehd. See kids, always wear your motorcycle helmet when getting reverse rana’d off a ladder. And stay in school, too.
Hoss crawls to the ladder and starts making the slow climb, but here comes Mac. They both get to the top of the ladder at the same time and it’s FISTICUFFS~! Furious right hands are sent back and forth. Wednesday wobbles but he won’t fall down. Mac instead fires back with ye old thumb to the eye. He jabbed that sucker in there good. Hoss covers up, but that leaves him vulnerable to the HIGH TECH GRECO-ROMAN SHOVE~! And Hoss goes splat. All Mac has to do is grab the…you idiot…stop chanting. JESUS! SHEFFIELD SQUASH OFF THE LADDER. That limey idiot just CRUSHED HOSS! Hoss is coughing up blood, and Mac might have just cost his team the titles cause Jake is on his feet and Nate is, wait…nope, still dehd.
Jake is making the climb, and there is nothing to stop him as both Lot are….WAIT A MINUTE! Out from the back is JUEN LEE! AND HE’S GOT A LUGE IN TOW! That is dedication to one’s craft. I hope he doesn’t plan on using it to get to ringside….No, no, he plans on bouncing it off Jake McCody’s skull. Yes, that makes more sense. Jake is down! Juen smashes it over Hoss and he starts to make the climb…you have got to be kidding me, JUEN HAS THE BELTS! The Lot…well, Juen, Mac and an unconscious Nate, celebrate like they have won the titles, but there is no official word yet. Mac isn’t waiting to here, though and he and Juen drag Nate up the ramp, belts in tow. Jake and Hoss regain their senses and charge after the Lot. Juen runs like a scared little girl, belts in tow, while Mac gets double-teamed. Nate just sort of lies there in a pile. Yori comes out onto the ramp with the roving band of refs and tells the two teams to cut it out. He says he appreciates a bit of trickeration as much as the next guy, but Juen Lee was not an official participant in the match, and thus can’t win the titles for anyone. As far as he is concerned the belts are still in play, and whoever finds Juen first and gets them back is the tag champs. Consider it a bit of a scavenger hunt. Okay then.
TO BE CONTINUED (21:47 of official action)
The Billies make a limping beeline for the back past Yori as Mac tries to shake some sense into Nate. That’s gonna be slowing going. The match was loads of fun with enough crazy spots to satisfy the stunt show enthusiasts and enough pacing and psych to satisfy the connoisseurs. Plus, FLYING LUGE!
BINGHAMTON! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
Grainy, psychedelic footage of rock and roll star Duke Mason appears on the screen. I feel like I am on drugs. No doubt this has to be a Yori hire. “You’ve seen him rock…..you’ve seen him roll.” Now we get kaleidoscope footage of him in the wrestling ring. “Now see him in Message Board Entertainment.” “MBE…ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?” I am ready for an aspirin or two.
THE CHAMP GRACES US WITH HIS PRESENCE
The Biffmeister is backstage with Doc Silver. It seems Doc is tired of hearing everyone say that he is just a paper champ, that he never beat Promo, who’s the real world champ. On second thought, actually, no one has said that. Not one person thinks Promo is legit. Why could that be Doc wonders. Maybe because all Promo has proven since coming back to MBE is he can coast by on his legacy, not that Doc would know anything about that. All he’s done is lose to Andy Gilkison a whole bunch of times, who, if you weren’t paying attention to our last show, Doc handled quite capably along with Duchess, who get this, also handed Promo his ass. Promo has his delusions, like any novice poker player, that he can sit down at the poker table and bluff the big boys, but if Doc has shown anything in MBE, it’s that he is bad beat proof. Ah, poker metaphors. Now Doc knows that he has to do business. Promo was the last champ of the company, and he got a rematch clause written into his new contract. If that’s the way it is, fine, Promo can just be another victim on the endless path to misery. Cause he’s only happy when it rains. Really Doc, are ya?
VOTE FOR JEFFREY ROBERTS
Roberts walks by the camera completely naked, munching on a Twix bar….thankfully, the naughty bits are blurred. For some reason, Roberts is bleeding, oh wait, he has tattooed “Vote for Me” on his back. Hmm, that’s obviously not professional work, maybe carved is a better word. Okay, you’ve got my vote. Just make it stop!
ROBOYORI v. JOHNNY ONAN
Yep, it's my favorite time of the show again. The time where we break out the wrestling robot. You know, I have to complement MBE on its straightforward, logical booking. First, we get the match-up between the two ex-soldiers with psychological issues and now we get sexy model contra sexy robot. I eagerly await Promo against the French wrestling legend Vignette, and of course, Professor Tremendous contra Midget Professor Tremendous. The YORobot is out first, and like all of Yori’s quality made goods, breaks down half way to the ring and starts shooting sparks and marauding through the audience with pelvic thrusts. The arena crowd seems fairly non-plussed, and, in fact, a few daring lasses even stuff some dollar bills into the rampaging sexbot’s waistband. DRINKS ARE ON SEXBOT~!
Smitty and the Thai hooker design team try and wrangle the rampaging robot as the arena gets 100% sexier with the arrival of Johnny Onan. For all the grief I occasionally get in from Chronicle readers for my descriptions of male physique, I must say Onan is quite the impressive physical specimen. And he looks like he can crush paint cans in between his forearms. He still is a bit raw, but the potential is there for him to be a breakout star. With Lord of the Boards coming up, his name has been bandied about as a trendy sleeper pick among the industry’s intelligensia. My money is still on Jeffrey Roberts, but only time will tell.
Smitty and crew corral ROBOYORI into the ring, finally. Onan seems more than a little perturbed by the delay. Must be cutting into his time on the curling machine. Onan and the sex robot lock up. Onan is shoved to the mat and the robot starts doing the running man. A classy competitor to the core. Onan is up quickly and levels the YORobot with a right hand. Okay, maybe not so much. Onan tries to shake some feeling back into his hand, but all the sex robot wants to do is dance. He clocks Onan with an elbow while doing the twist. Onan is none too happy. But really, how do you gameplan for the sexbot. A kick to the leg goes about as well as the punch, leaving Onan with a Charlie horse. ROBOYORI runs the ropes (?!) and tries some sort of ballet or perhaps wrestling move. It’s unclear. Anyway, Onan dodges and ROBOYORI smashes into the turnbuckle. Onan locks on a sleeper and ROBOYORI is in trouble. The sexbot tries doing the swim, but even his power of dance can’t escape the tight grasp of Onan’s arms. Finally ROBOYORI manages to back Onan into the corner where he breaks the hold with some reverse pelvic thrusting. Oooh, must have had a software upgrade. Onan kicks the sexbot off and ascends to the middle turnbuckle, where he leaps off with a SUHWEET missile dropkick, especially for a man of his size. The sexbot stays on his feet, though.
Onan charges again but gets caught by surprise (as are all of us) as the sexbot hiptosses him to the mat. Another hiptoss and clearly the beta version of Hiptoss 3.1 is ready for market. Onan isn’t entirely sure what to do next, so he charges in again. This time, though, he blocks the hiptoss attempt and tries to do one of his own….hmmm, not so much with the hiptossing he is. The robot is ANGRY and goes for a clothesline. Onan ducks and goes downstairs with a kick out of the sightline off the ref, and the sexbot is doubled over. Obviously, the realistic groinal technology is up to snuff. Onan waits for the robot to turn around….HEADLOCK FROM HELL! It’s truly the immoveable object meets the irresistible force. Hmmm, maybe this isn’t such an accurate robot clone of Yori, as it isn’t tapping out yet. The robot tries to power Onan off him, but those biceps of doom won’t budge….OH MY GOD HE POPPED THE ROBOT’S HEAD OFF! The headless robot is still dancing, with that same creepy smile on his decapitated head….awwwwwwwkward. The crowd has no idea what to make of this, though there are a few shrieks of terror from the ladies in the audience. ROBOYORI seems oddly unaffected, but the ref decides that the robot can’t really continue the match with its head extricated from its body. That seems like a reasonable rule.
WINNER: JOHNNY ONAN (5:32: Headlock from Hell-> Ref stoppage)
Well, that wasn’t a technical clinic or anything, but MY GOD JOHNNY ONAN POPPED THE HEAD OFF THE SEXBOT LIKE HE WAS OPENING A JAR OF PICKLES! I would not want to meet that man in a dark alley… or on the catwalk, on the catwalk, where he does his little dance on the catwalk. Sorry, got distracted by Onan’s theme there for a second. The Thai hookers bring the hand truck into the ring to wheel the headless YORobot to the back for some much needed repairs. The headless robot keeps trying to dance, and the decapitated sexbot’s awkward pelvic thrusts will surely haunt my nightmares for years to come.
THE PLOT THICKENS
Backstage agains, as the Billies are tearing around, searching high and low for the missing Korean with their missing title belts. They run across That New 70s Team, lounging around the craft’s service table They ask the disco rejects if they have seen any diminutive Korean running around here with their tag team belts. Boogie says no, but asks how they let Juen Lee get his grubby hands on the MBE Tag Titles. Hoss colorfully explains and honestly I can only decode about half his bluster. Super Cool keys in pretty quickly. “so man, like anyone who finds Juen can get the belts?” Hoss supposes so. “Groovy.” Uh-oh…Jake quickly puts two and two together and the teams immediately commence with the brawling. Hoss and Jake manage to toss the 70s boys into a nearby supply closet and quickly barricade the door. The hunt continues.
JEFFREY ROBERTS v. JUSTIN EVITABLE
Time for a big singles match as the True Face takes on the True Nutjob. As reported on the Chronicle blog and later confirmed on MBE.com, this match has large ramifications for the upcoming LotB tournament. The winner here will get an automatic bye into the semifinals and the inside track at scoring the title of Lord of the Boards and the number one contendership to the MBE World Heavyweight Championship. You’d think both would have to be chomping at the bit for a shot at Big Goldy, Justin to finish what he started eight months ago, and Roberts to make a splash on the national scene once again.
The True Face is out first, with the usual cavalcade of fornicators, sans headless sexbot, of course. Justin stops at ringside to sign some breasts of questionable legality. No wait, Justin stops and asks for ID, what a buzzkill. He has Smitty examine the ID closely…nope, it’s legit and Justin signs on the dotted line. Obviously, she needs to find a better plastic surgeon. You’d hope Justin would be a little more focused on the match at hand then almost underage titties, but it is Justin Evitable, after all. Here comes Jeffrey Roberts. I can’t understand why more people aren’t full-on the J-Rob bandwagon, maybe he needs a cool nickname or something. Something cooler than J-Rob at least, e-mail me your best suggestions and we’ll put up a poll on the Chronicle blog sometime this week. Roberts hurdles the top rope, fakes like he is going to play to the fans and promptly steamrolls across the ring and dropkicks Justin into the turnbuckles, See, this is exactly what I am talking about. Roberts whips Justin out of the corner and follows with the old Tiger Mask flip, except instead of ending with a thrust kick he just starts biting Justin. Okay then. No doubt Justin has paid a Thai Dominatrix to do worse to him, but he doesn’t take to kindly to Roberts here. Of course, in his defense, Roberts isn’t exactly less likely to be riddled with disease.
The True Face shoves Roberts off him, and tries to give J-Rob some lockjaw of his own, hitting a running elbow out of the corner. Justin plays to the crowd with some pelvic thrusting and hits a running leg drop. Only gets one and a half. Justin scoops J-Rob up and deposits him back on the mat with a snap suplex. Very crisp. Justin goes to work on Roberts’ lower back with a half crab, and after a bit of fight from J-Rob, flips him over into the hold. Roberts crawls to the ropes to force a break. Justin wastes no time following up with a modified backbreaker and gets a two count. Some more posing, but this time Justin finds only mat on his running flip senton. Justin shakes it off, but runs into a spinning heel kick from J-Rob and the True Face finds himself on the canvas. Roberts unleashes a flurry of forearm drops, one after the other, across Justin’s forehead. Roberts is a man possessed. He adds some just vicious looking stomps to the back of Justin’s neck as Ref Yakamo warns him about using the flat off the boot. Hey, unlike his twin brother, he actually has some grasp of the rules of wrestling. Roberts seems less than impressed with Yakamo’s acumen and keeps with the stomping. He finally covers and gets a two count out of that borderline felonious assault.
J-Rob keeps the neckwork up, such as it is, with a nice looking hangman’s neckbreaker. He works a pair of two counts out of that, before switching to a modified half nelson with his knee planted squarely between the True Face’s shoulder blades. Hurty looking. The Thai Hooker brigade gets the crowd behind Justin as they make with the synchronous clapping. Justin slowly slips out of the hold enough to make it up to his feet. Roberts is still torquing his neck with the half nelson, though. Right hand to the gut. Another! J-Rob loosens the grip…Justin spins around…ezuigiri! Roberts staggers back against the ropes. Irish whip, but Justin telegraphs the backdrop and Roberts stop shorts and drives an elbow into Justin’s neck. Justin drops to one knee and Roberts near clear punts his head off with a roundhouse kick. Roberts covers…two and a half! Roberts quickly starts looking for a piledriver, but Justin goes DOWNSTAIRS to block it. Justin snaps off a DDT and takes a breather. He’s up first, though and looks for the VMA. Roberts blocks! He tries to counter with a neckbreaker. Justin spins out…SKEETBOARD! Roberts is down. Justin stops to have the Thai hookers rub his neck a little bit…okay, he’s waiting on Roberts…he’s got him by the hair…he’s simulating fellatio, could it be the… VIDA INFRA~! NO! ROBERTS BLOCKS! He slides Justin onto his shoulders…RUNNING LYGER BOMB! Right on Justin’s injured neck…is it enough….YES! Roberts scores the three count out of nowhere as Justin gets his right shoulder up a split second too late.
WINNER: JEFFREY ROBERTS (8:56: Running Lyger Bomb)
Justin is none too happy, but he may have given that one away there with the taunting. You’d like to see him a little bit more serious in Lord of the Boards, as now he has the hard way to go…worked out okay for him in the title tourney, I guess. We’ll see how it goes. Roberts continues to roll. Match was all right, a little aborted in a way with Roberts pulling the Lyger bomb out of thin air. Would like to see a longer rematch down the line.
VOTE FOR JOHNNY ONAN
That damn catchy theme song is back. And Johnny Onan is blasting his arms on the curling machine. This is borderline homoerotic. But apparently everyone loves Johnny Onan, as the other bodybuilders watch in amazement as the stacks of weights go up and down. Johnny gets off the machine and struts into the shower, he does his catwalk in a towel down to his locker. This is bizarre. Johnny drops the towel and thankfully the camera stays above waist level. THIS SHOW NEEDS LESS MALE NUDITY. Johnny says you should vote for him, because he is the biggest man in MBE and he flexes those biceps again. Yori is not gonna be happy about that insinuation, no he is not.
THE HARDY BOYS AND THE MYSTERY OF THE HAUNTED COVE, I MEAN, SEARCH FOR THE MISSING TAG TITLES
Mac has commandeered the sexbot’s handtruck (in fact you can see him slumped over in the corner, still headless and thrusting) and is carting the still drowsy Nate around on it. Mac should have known this would happen. Juen has been having panic attacks around southerners ever since that luging accident where he jumped the track and slammed right through a Roy Rogers advertisement. Right-o then. Mac cogitates on how best to lure the little bugger out of hiding. Mac wonders if maybe some cabbage would to the trick. Juen likes cabbage, he thinks. Yori butts in and offers that maybe he is thinking about Kim Chee. Mac complains that this is all Yori’s fault. They won the titles fair and square…err…they won the titles! Yori said he is just trying to be helpful, and won’t even make a big stink about Mac stealing the sex robot’s handtruck, cause that is just the kind of guy he is. Mac says Kim Chee, eh, and Yori mentions how he slept with a foreign exchange student named Kim Chee in high school. Mac doesn’t think that will help his current predicament. Yori says, won’t it, though. After all, is there anything in life that can be solved by a nubile, slutty Korean woman? Food for thought, certainly. And I am sure the Lot will have no problem finding one in Binghamton.
MBE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: PROMO v. DOC SILVER (c)
Ladies and gentlepeople, it is time for our main event as MBE World Champeen Doc Silver tries to continue his run at the top against The Underground Icon, who is looking to join the elite ranks of multiple time MBE champions. I’d say these two don’t like each other, but that would be kind of redundant, since both don’t really like anybody. It’ll be interesting to see how the crowd responds. Doc’s run is fast becoming one of the more underrated ones in MBE history. Granted, we can argue level of competition from here until the cow’s come home, but with a reign only topped in length by Maggot and Freakfish, he certainly has made his mark. Yes, it’s been marred by a lot of legal wrangling, but you can say that about most of Doc’s title reigns And, granted, he hasn’t looked dominating, and it hasn’t always been pretty, but he always finds a way to win. And as Sam Snead used to say, at the end of the day, they don’t ask how, just how many.
Promo is out first and SHOCK OF SHOCKS, the crowd is none too pleased to see him waltzing down the rampway. The camera cuts to a “Doc Silver: Lesser of Two Evils” sign, granted, it’s right next to a “Free the MBE Goat” sign, so let’s not give too much credit to the fans for critical thinking. Promo looks focused tonight, not even stopping to jaw at the fans or wearing a jersey from a rival AA baseball squad. That’s a first for him at the arena.
Doc enters with his usual pomp and circumstance and Garbage theme, but sans Dority and Greenie. Confidence, much? Predominantly jeers from the audience, but not as strong as usual, and there is definitely some cheering mixed in. Only Promo could make Doc a conquering hero at the arena. Well, at least as close to a conquering hero as he will ever be in his life. I think the only thing worse than Doc as champ for the diehards is seeing Promo on the same level as Spoils, Professor Tremendous and Hida Yakamo. Well, that and probably ever having to see the Social Misfits again.
Promo gets right in Doc’s face to start, snatching the belt out of Doc’s hands and clocking him with it. Ouch. The bell hasn’t rung yet, so that is above board. Promo tosses the belt aside as Ref Thunder collects it. Promo STOMPS down on Doc’s head with authority as the champ tries to collect himself. Promo means business tonight. Irish whip and a sharp spinebuster puts Doc back on the mat. Promo covers, but Ref Thunder quickly discerns that Promo is choking Doc and administers a five count. Promo lets up long enough to drive some knees into Doc’s kidneys. People forget that Promo can be a scary dude when he is on. After all he beat Paco for the title when the MBE legend was on a very strong run of form. Doc still hasn’t gotten his bearings and gets tossed to the floor. Promo wastes no time following up and god save us all a “Let’s Go Doc” chant has started as somewhere Juen Lee is luging down the River Styx. Doc gets posted into the steps and the champ is cut! Promo rips the mats outside the ring up and rolls into the ring to break the count. He sets Doc for a suplex onto the concrete. Doc is trying to block it. Promo with some short rights to the ribs to try and soften Doc up. Doc reverses! And Promo is suplexed onto the mats. Big pop for that as we enter bizzaro MBE world.
Promo is up first though and rolls into the ring. Doc follows, barely beating the ten count. Promo goes for a big right, but Doc blocks and counters with an eye rake, a follows with a few rights of his own. He switches to chops and drives the challenger back into the corner. Irish whip and Promo hits the turnbuckle and caroms out and slams right into Doc with a flying back elbow. Damn, Tito. Promo is all business tonight. Promo lays Doc out with a HARD scoop slam and measure the champ for a fist drop, but Doc rolls out of the way and Promo’s knuckle sandwich eats the mat. Promo is like the T-1000 though, he keeps coming. A series of kicks to the midsection double Doc over and the Undergound Icon follows with a nasty knee lift that snaps Doc back to the canvas. This time the fist drop hits and Promo gets a two count out of it. He slams his forearm down across Doc’s jaw and leans down hard into another pinfall. Another two count. I don’t want to say Doc took Promo too lightly, cause none of us have seen him look this dominating in a while, but he needs to get a break in a bad way.
Promo just tosses Doc face first into the corner and starts punishing his kidneys with right and lefts. Doc fires some back elbows to Promo’s jaw, but the former champ just shrugs them off and deposits Doc on the mat with a belly to back suplex, floating over for another two count. Irish whip, but Promo sets a split second too early and eats a kick to the mush. The challenger staggers back SUPERK…No! Promo ducks! But eats the DDT! Both men are down as Doc gets some much needed breathing room. Promo is still up first as Thunder gets to six on his standing ten count. Promo hoists the champ by his hair, but Doc fires off an uppercut. He throws some standing jabs to back Promo off and then lets loose with a jumping knee strike. Promo hits the ropes and Doc drops him with a double leg. SHOOTER SILVER~! Doc throws some punches from the mount, but Promo grabs the ropes to force a break. Doc breaks with a few parting stomps to the challenger’s gut. Doc is on Promo as he rises, shoving him back into the corner and throwing some elbow strikes. Irish whip to the near corner is reversed, but Doc sidesteps the charge and Promo crashes into the turnbuckles. Doc catches Promo with a jumping neckbreaker as Promo stumbles backwards out of the corner. That gets two. OOOH FACE WASH! The crowd approves. Doc gives Promo a receipt as he stoops for the old blatant choke. He breaks at four and DOES IT AGAIN. TAKE YOUR FIVE COUNT AND SHOVE IT REF THUNDER! Promo struggles to get some air into his lungs as the champ stalks him. Kick to the gut…ACE’S FUL….Nope, Promo shoves Doc off with enough force that Doc goes over the top rope and lands on the apron.
Promo charges in but eats an elbow. He avoids the second one though and snaps Doc’s neck across the top rope. Doc flies off like he was shot with a gun AND CRACKS HIS SKULL ON THE EXPOSED CONCRETE! YIKES! Taste the Nestea Plunge. Hmmm, tastes like bile and my own blood. Promo stops to gloat, before realizing there is no way Doc beats the ten count and he can’t win the belt by countout. He rolls Doc back in and covers, but Doc gets his foot on the rope. Promo drags him into the center of the ring, and Doc BARELY gets his shoulder up before the three count. Doc has the full-on thousand-yard stare and Promo locks on a cobra clutch variation and tries to lull Doc into unconsciousness. Doc is struggling mightily, but not really getting anywhere. Ref Thunder checks him….one arm drop…two arm dro…No, Doc has a little pep left, and he stretches to get his leg under the bottom rope. Promo doesn’t even bother moving Doc, simply measuring the champ and driving a knee drop across his forehead. I know Silver can take a beating but he looks seriously CONCUSSED. Promo drags him to the center of the ring…2.9! Promo has had enough and locks Doc in for a German Suplex. Doc goes limp and Promo can’t quite get the champ off his feet. Doc throws some limp-wristed elbows that just glance off the Undergournd Icon. Doc manages to get a hold of the ropes for balance, and while the ref tells Promo to break the waistlock, Doc goes DOWNTOWN with the mule kick. That brought some life back into the crowd. That wily bastard. Doc stumbles after letting go of the ropes. His equilibrium must be shot. Promo is up now and not happy, but DOC WITH THE SUPERKICK! Promo let his guard down a bit and Doc snuck one off. He flops on top…only gets two and a half. The glassy-eyed champ rolls out for a bit of a breather and tries to get his bearings back.
It doesn’t last long though, as Promo collects himself in the ring and slides out after Doc. Doc meets him with some fisticuffs, but Promo CRACKS the champ with a standing headbutt, that knocks Doc a little woozy. Promo tries to post Silver into the barricade, but Doc has enough presence to turn and take most of the impact on his back, protecting his battered noggin. Promo drags the world champ over to the concrete and he’s looking for the old piledriver. The crowd doesn’t like that idea one bit, and this could be it right here. Doc struggles to block. Promo gets his legs up in the air but Doc is kicking for all he is worth. DOC REVERSES IT! Back body drop and the Underground Icon smacks against the unforgiving concrete floor! Doc falls against the apron but remains upright…mostly. He crawls into the ring and starts praying that Promo won’t beat the ten count, but the challenger rolls under the bottom rope at 7. Doc follows up quickly with a fisherman’s suplex, but Promo is out at two and a half. Doc heads up top(?!) almost losing his balance on the way up. He steadies himself on the top. HIGHISH CROSSBODY PRESS~! NO! PROMO CATCHES HIM! He tries to shift the champ into position for a tombstone piledriver. That’s a bad place for Doc to be. Doc is trying to kick himself over….he does it! Now Promo is looking down at the canvas…TOMBSTONE! Doc pulls himself up by the ropes. The crowd is chanting for Doc! He’s got Promo in his sights. The challenger is up, but he doesn’t see Doc….KICK TO THE GUT! ACE’S FULL STUNNAHHH! Doc covers….2.9! Promo kicks out! Doc’s gotta be looking for the River…He’s got Promo up….NO! The challenger elbows free…he twists around….FADEOUT! He’s got Doc in the FADEOUT! Ooooh! Doc goes downstairs, and it would have been real tough for Lance to miss that and he is quickly in admonishing Doc. He says he is not gonna let Doc get away with a DQ, but he won’t let him follow up on that either and gives Promo time to recover. Heck, at this point the break will help Doc just as much.
Okay, Ref Thunder restarts the match and Promo is PISSED! Man they are just going toe to toe and slugging it out. I don’t know if that is a great gameplan for Doc. Sure enough Doc gets cracked with an elbow smash and a uraken and crumples in a heap. Promo covers….2.9! Doc is a tough bastard, you gotta give him that. Promo is signaling that it is time for the PROMOPLEX~! He’s got Doc up top. And he’s following him up. He’s got the waistlock…NO! Doc pushes off and counters with a HYOOOOGE STUNNER! ACE’S FULL OF KINGS?! I don’t know, Doc falls over and lands on top of Promo….THAT’S THREE!
WINNER: DOC SILVER (22:25- Top Rope Ace’s Full Stunner)
Doc doesn’t know where he is, but he has won the match. The ref raising his arm seems to wake him back up and being draped in his title makes him positively giddy, and then he falls over. Promo stirs and is pissed and grabs Doc and locks him in the Fadeout! Ref Thunder wrenches Promo off the champ and gets ye old pieface for his trouble. Promo leaves with the belt! The crowd is not happy! Promo holds it aloft and basks in the rain of trash as he heads up the rampway.
LAST STOP: BOTTOM FLOOR, FREYTAG’S PYRAMID
Oh, but we aren’t done yet as Juen Lee barrels out from the back past an annoyed Promo with both tag titles over his shoulder. Hoss is in hot pursuit…and Mac and his handtruck are in equally hot pursuit of Hoss. But where’s Jake. Hoss corners Juen by the rampways and orders him to hand over the belts as Juen crawls into the fetal position. Hoss is about to grab the belts when Mac crashes into him with the handtruck sending Nate, Hoss, and Juen all scattered into a heap. That seems to wake Nate up who comes up from the pile of bodies throwing bombs at anything that moves and muttering something about United bastards. Juen grabs the belts and runs towards the back, but there above the entrance way in the crowd is Jake McCody…OH DEAR GOD NO! Juen slows to a walk and turns to see if anyone is following him Jake is measuring up Juen….HE LEAPS OFF THE BALCONY AND FLATTENS JUEN WITH A HYOOOOOOOOOOGE SENTON DIVE! JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH, THE THREE WISE MEN AND THE ENTIRE CAST OF GODSPELL WAS THAT INSANE! The Lot and Hoss rush to the scene and both Juen and Jake are FOOKED! Not gonna help with Juen’s fear of Southerners. Wait….where’s the belts…Senior Referee Lance Thunder is back on the scene. He rolls Jake over. THE BILLY IS ON TOP OF THE BELTS! That’s good enough for Lance…He calls for the bell as Nate and Mac protest.
WINNER (and still tag team champions): THE THRILLBILLIES
Jake is clutching his ribs and bleeding from the mouth, but he is smiling the bloody smile of victory. The Billies retain the belts. The Lot don’t know what to do. Mac is just shaking his head and looking at the carnage. He gives Hoss a HUG! He says Jake is a tough little git and he’s gotta give him props. He and Nate help Jake up and raise the Billies’ hands. All four shake hands as the crowd shows its appreciation for the four competitors. What will the Lot do with themselves for a year…I shudder to think. We fade out to the logo as Till talks about great sportsmanship and class and Phantasmo makes gagging noises.
THE WRAP-UP
Spectacular debut show if nothing else. Jake McCody made himself a star tonight. Promo reaffirmed that he is one to be watched and JOHNNY ONAN POPPED THE HEAD OFF THE SEX ROBOT! We blew off a major feud and started the seeds for several more. If nothing else, they’ll hold the curiosity audience for the next couple weeks, but I wonder if they can keep putting on shows of this level of intensity without burning out the wrestlers. How Jake, Nate, Juen or Doc are supposed to wrestle in two weeks I have no idea, but we’ll see I guess. Still, you can’t argue with the match quality and with some big names set to debut in the coming weeks, MBE looks healthier than it has been in a while. Oh yeah, LESS MALE NUDITY PLEASE. I’ll be back tomorrow with ratings, rewind rewards and post-show notes on the Chronicle blog. See ya then.