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UNLEASHED 2006: Chicago, IL - 7/15/06

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Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
[CUT TO: Backstage at the United Center – EPW Owner Dan Ryan comes into view rounding the corner, in a harried state.]

Ryan: The pyro supplies are running late, the ring girls are on strike, I've got more injured referees than usual, what else can go wrong today?

[Ryan enters his office, and finds James Irish and Erin sitting at his desk. The former in his usual clothes, the latter wearing a fine, lovely dark green dress for a change. James is smoking a cigar, with the cigar box on the desk. Erin is mixing herself a drink.]

JIrish: Dan Ryan, you should be ashamed of yourself. These are the worst cigars I've ever smoked.

Erin: Yeah, and yer ice isn't cold enough, lad.

[Ryan just sighs.]

Ryan: Ripped right from "A Night At the Opera." Typical of you. Alright, James, my patience is already being tried right now. Get to the point.

JIrish: Very well. Your buddy Paul Freeman offered me a contract recently. Good guy you have there. And a good offer. But I told him there was something I had to do.

Ryan: And that was?

[James stands up, with a serious look in his eyes.]

JIrish: I've seen you play with people before. Mind games that would make political spinmeisters blush. Beast comes immediately to mind, but others too, here in EPW and elsewhere. These past few shows were a warning, Dan. Try that with me, and I will not only fight back, I'll make your head spin.

[Now Dan lets out an amused chuckle.]

Ryan: Is that all? The so-called "Mad Genius" thinks himself my better in this regard, and wanted to warn me? Amusing. I'd endorse the contract, but now I'm certain you'd void the sanity clause.

JIrish: Dan, aren't you a little old to believe in that?

Erin: Yeah, there ain't no Santa-y Clause.

[Another sigh from Dan, who is starting to get frustrated.]

Ryan: ... I walked right into that one. Alright, I'll endorse the contract. You start at our next taping. But don't you dare underestimate me, or like with IrishRed - there will be consequences.

JIrish: Dan, if I underestimated you, would I have gone to all this trouble?

Ryan: ... probably not.

JIrish: Then now we understand where we're both coming from. You won't regret this, boss.

[James and Erin walk out as a somewhat vexed Dan Ryan gets to work on other, more immediate business.]


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
[FADE IN: Darkness. Ominous drum music plays in the background. As blue light begins to filter across the screen, we see that the illumination is filtering through the walls of a cell. Soft, almost biblical chanting can be heard in the background, murmuring slowly and softly in Latin.]

"A man taunted and mocked, yet undaunted in his quest for glory."

[Cut to a montage of various clips of Beast, showing him lying bloody on the floor, victorious in a ring, and charging in slow-motion down a hall – as his voice plays over the shot.]

"I'm going to hit Dan Ryan where it really hurts. His pride. The last thing that he wants is me as his World Champion. He didn't even want to give me a shot - even though I was screwed out of the title in the first place. But I went and TOOK it from him"

[Cut to a shot of Beast standing in a dressing room, glaring into the camera as the voice-over continues.]

" I beat your ass up one side of Black Dawn and down the other, Dan - and I took what was owed me. And when it's time to face Lindsay Troy for the EPW title, I'll stick it to you where it really hurts."

[Cut to Kin Hiroshi, hitting various high flying moves on opponents around the world as his voice echoes over the shot.]

“Week in and week out I do what I’m paid to do: draw a crowd and put on a show.”

[The shot moves to one of Kin Hiroshi standing in the hallways glaring into the camera with a smirk on his face.]

“I’m better than you. You got to my head once before, and you got into my mind too. Not again. Your time is up, champ.”

[Cut to Joey Melton strutting mid-ring intercut with shots of him hitting moves in various matches as his voice comes in.]

“You whipped my ass back in shape, Troy. You picked me off the cold, tile floor in Japan and ****ing led me to sobriety. I’m here, because of you. But, let’s not split hairs. I’m the biggest name in this company. And the next step in EPW’s evolution is to have a GOLDEN name carry it’s treasure.”

[Cut to Joey Melton, looking down his nose at the camera, ever cocky.]

“And Trip, you’ve spent your entire career TRYING to be as big of a star as Joey Melton, and you’ve failed. This is what you’ve waited for, to square off against the UNIFIER in a World Title Match. But don’t worry. I’ll pose for a picture and give you the shirt off my back, just like I did years ago.”

[Cut to Karl Brown posing with the EPW Intercontinental Title over Cameron Cruise as his voice begins.]

“All the words, all the press-conferences – as you know they mean nothing when the bell rings. All that matters is what happens in the ring. That is where the fans get to see their ambassadors fight. That is where our paths are decided for us. That is where you have to prove you’re worthy of holding that belt.”

[Cut to Brown in front of an EPW Unleashed banner, glowering into the camera with his title over his shoulder.]

“At the end of the day, only one person can walk away with that title.”

[Cut to Triple X Sean Stevens with a figure four on an opponent, then cutting to other shots of him in action.]

“Every place I've ever competed, at some point or another was the premier promotion on the planet, and it's easy to see why.”

[Cut to Stevens, sitting on a chair in his dressing room looking disgustedly into the camera.]

“You had a great run as champion, a run that'll be talked about for years. You've succeeded where most have failed, you became successful in a business designed for your failure. Some wrestlers don't wrestle for fourteen months, let alone remain world champion. But, all things come to an end, and at Unleashed ... I am your trump card, and there's not a damned thing you, or anybody else can do about it.”

[Cut to Lindsay Troy, an array of highlight beginning with her unveiling at Russian Roullette and the beginning of her World Title reign.]

“In the ring, it's nothing but business. I was not recognized this past year at the ENN awards for my accomplishments in other companies. I was recognized for my accomplishments in one company and one company only. This one.”

[Cut to Lindsay Troy, sitting behind a large mahogany desk in a business suit, with the EPW World Title propped up on the desk and peering into the camera.]

"Inside the ring, I am known as the CHAIRwoman; the Sovereign of the Scaffold; the original Dis. But most importantly...I am known as the world champion. And there's no man, woman or child on earth that could discredit or do a damn thing….about that."

"Six will enter."

[With a metallic clang, the faces fade, and the steel bars of the cell slam across the screen. The music dies abruptly.]

"One will survive."

[Suddenly, the cell erupts and the screen rips away. Cue up: "American Nightmare" – Rob Zombie. The screen completely shreds away, revealing a rapidly shifting blue grid backdrop intercut with video clips of various wrestlers, many leaving blurred after-images as they move.

CUT TO: Beast nailing the Absolution on Adam Benjamin.
CUT TO: Karl Brown coming off the ropes with a Quebrada.
CUT TO: Steven Shane standing victorious in the ring.
CUT TO: JA delivering the Karelin Driver to Ron Artest
CUT TO: Adam Benjamin delivering a Shining Wizard to Karl Brown.
CUT TO: Joey Melton, mugging for the crowd.
CUT TO: Boogie Smallz lighting up a blunt.
CUT TO: Lindsay Troy dropkicking Beast.
CUT TO: JA and Sebastian Dodd locking up in the middle of the ring.
CUT TO: Troy Windham, mugging with the Entourage.
CUT TO: Dan Ryan sitting sedately in a chair, staring into the camera.

Cut to the blue grid, which ceases shifting as a blue filmreel-style strip blazes across it. With a heavy thud of steel, white letters are stamped across the reel, stationary as the reel continues to roll.]

[Cut to a camera at ringside, looking up into the rafters. A pair of blue fireballs glow to life at the top of the United Center, descending like comets. The camera follows the fireballs as they fall to explode at the foot of the ramp. Towers of blue and white pyro erupt around the entryway and EmpireTron, more showers of white sparks raining from the top of the 'Tron frame. With a series of blue bomblike effects, the pyro ceases, and the camera zooms in on the screen. Cut to wide-angle shots of the crowd as the announcers are first heard.]

DT: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Empire Pro Wrestling’s Unleashed!!! Live at the beautiful United Center in Chicago, Illinois….I am Dave Thomas and with me as always are Dean Matthews and the ever hungry Mike Neely!!

MN: Hey, I skipped lunch I was so excited about tonight!!

DT: Indeed what a monstrous night we have in story!! Frankie Scott takes on The Sergeant in a match that proves to be as wild as any we’ve ever had in Empire Pro, Mike Evers challenges Adam Benjamin for the EPW Television Title, The Highland Park Social Club takes aim at Blitz and Leonard Johnson for the EPW World Tag Team Titles and of course for the World Heavyweight Championship, Lindsay Troy defends against five men in that ring tonight!!

DM: Lindsay Troy has had that belt for over a year and has taken on all challengers, but tonight she faces her greatest test yet, including the long awaited title shot for one Marcus Westcott, otherwise known as Beast.

DT: Let’s get right to the action as we kick things off with a singles match up. Take it away Tony Fatora!!



Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX

Lance Stone defeated Ken Cloverleaf when Cloverleaf and Steven Shane had a miscommunication that led to Stone tapping Cloverleaf out.

[Now move on, soldier!]


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX

Frankie Scott defeated The Sergeant when after a lengthy brawl, the two ended up in Dan Ryan's office where Scott turned over a ceiling high bookshelf on The Sergeant, then reached through the debris of books and the heavy case and placed an arm over a pinned Sergeant for the three count and the win.


Furthermore, in a segment airing after the match Dan Ryan called out IrishRed to apologize. Irishred of course refused and was confronted by Frankie Scott, who decided to come to the aid of Dan Ryan and EPW in general. Scott and Red got into a heated argument in the ring that eventually led to a physical altercation. Scott and Red slugged it out, but as Red was gaining the upper hand Steven Shane charged from the back and joined the fray as well, making it two on one. Dan Ryan stood by and watched this unfold until in a rush, IrishRed broke from the grip of Scott and Shane and took a shot at Ryan, catching him on the jaw with a roundhouse that opened a cut on the owner's lip. Shane and Scott quickly took back over however, stomping him to the mat. Ryan angrily asked for a microphone and declared that next week on Aggression, he'll have a very specific contract for IrishRed to sign and that if he comes to the show, and refuses to sign, he will be banned from the fed, all arenas that it competes in and all EPW events permanently, and that if he breaks that order, he will be taken to jail.

[OK. Extreme shortforming is over. Enjoy the rest of the show!]


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
DT: Up next we have the resolution to a conflict that just flared up recently between Foxx and Cameron Cruise, or more specifically, Foxx and Mercedes Devon – but Cameron has come to the defense of his wife against a woman of considerable skill in Foxx.

DM: Foxx is no ordinary competitor, that’s for sure. Mercedes is in way over her head with her. Hell, Cameron’s gonna have a hell of a time tonight himself.


Cameron Cruise vs. Foxx

TONY FATORA: Th’ following contest is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit.

[CUE UP: “Headstrong” by Trapt. Cameron Cruise enters to a mixed reaction, his wife by his side]

TONY FATORA: Introducing first, weighing in at two hundred and forty nine pounds, from Jacksonville North Carolina… CCCCAAAMMMEERRRROOOOONN… CCCCRRRRRRUUUUUUUUIIIIIIISSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE!!

DT: And we’re set for a great encounter here, as Cameron Cruise looks to get back into winning ways against a woman he’s so far been unable to beat.

DM: It’s certainly going to be an interesting match, though I wonder if we’re going to have a repeat of Aggression a while back, when a group of Cruise’s female fans decided to try and save him from a Foxx Bronco-Buster.

MN: *sigh*

[CUE UP: “Angelwitch” by Angelwitch, as Foxx comes out to a good ovation, high-fiving some fans on her way to the ring]

TONY FATORA: And the opponent, weighing in at one hundred and thirty four pounds, she comes to us from San Antonio, Texas… FFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!

MN: Hot-damn… she’s even more smokin’ than normal.

DM: Try to keep your mind on the wrestling, Mike.

MN: Sure, sure…

DT: I wonder how much Mike’s going to drool this match? There’s the bell, and this match is under way! Cruise calling for a lockup, but Foxx with the quick go behind into a waist lock. Cruise reverses, but Foxx manages to take him down with a drop toe-hold there, floating over into a hammerlock. Cruise though, rolling out of it, reversing it into an arm-bar!

DM: Fast paced action to be sure, as Foxx with a headspring out of the hold, and the fans applaud as she goes straight over to the ropes, catching a quick breather. Smart move, as she’s giving away over a hundred pounds in weight, and a lot of experience.

DT: Foxx now, rolling her wrists, and they tie up. Cruise pushing Foxx back against the ropes, and the break is clean as Cruise smirks and backs up.

MN: I heard he likes it that way.

DT: I don’t want to know what you get up to, Neels.


DT: Back in the ring, Foxx again calling for the tie up… SNAPS a kick off to the side of Cruise’s leg there! And again! Cruise doubling back from those blows, but Foxx with a beautiful standing drop kick to the face takes him down! Cruise is back up, but Foxx meets him with a scoop-slam, following it up with a high elbow drop! The cover


Easy kick-out there by Cruise at the two count.

DM: Still too early in the match, but Foxx connects with a dropkick before Cruise can get to his feet, and applies a rear-chin lock on the canvas. Fast action so far, and I think that’s what Foxx has to do here against the veteran.

DT: Cruise is trying to get to his feet, but Foxx smartly hooks one of her legs round his, stopping him from standing.

MN: She was like that last night.

DM: What were you on last night Neels? And can I have some? Only way you’d get any would if in your imagination.

MN: Why is it constantly bully Mike time?

DM: Because you come out with ridiculous statements, and we enjoy it.

DT: Back in the ring, Foxx has released the hold. She measures Cruise, and lands a knee to the back of the neck as he tries to get to his feet. Another cover… only a two count.

DM: She needs to wear him down some more. This match still has a long way to go, and I doubt Cruise will lie down that easily.

MN: He would if…

DM: Bad Neels. No funny.

MN: Aww…

DT: Foxx standing by the ropes, she springs off… but Cruise catches her with a powerslam! No fun and games with that move, as he just whipped her round to slam her down hard on the canvas!

DM: Should give him a chance to gain some momentum.

DT: Cruise not going for the cover. He picks Foxx up, winding up with an arm-wringer! Clubbing blow to the shoulder there, and he sets her up… NORTHERN LIGHTS! A release Northern Lights suplex with Foxx’s arm behind her back!

DM: A very good way of breaking your opponents arm there, or if nothing else, taking the arm out of commission. I’m not sure how effective it’ll be against Foxx though - against someone like Slambo who’s a lot heavier, it would do more damage.

DT: Cruise focusing his punishment on the arm of Foxx now, dropping a knee across the elbow, and wrenching back with a wrist lock.

DM: Cruise definitely has a game-plan - I’m not sure this is how I’d go about beating someone like Foxx, but it’s definitely working for now.

MN: I’d just break out the whips and…

DM: Neels, there’s a shower in the back. Turn it to cold.

MN: You’re not… are you?

DM: No, that’s you.

DT: Hey, guys… there’s a match going on. Cameron Cruise releasing the wrist lock, and drives the knee straight onto the arm of Foxx again. He picks her up by the hair, and a hard whip into the corner. Charging in with a clothesline, and a HARD bulldog out of the corner!

The cover…


Foxx gets the right shoulder up there before the count of three.

DM: And Cruise going right back to working on that arm, locking in a hammerlock and using his strength advantage to lift her off the mat! This move puts a lot of pressure on the triceps and wrist.

DT: Cruise keeping Foxx high in the air in that hammerlock, and this is a more vicious side of him that we haven’t seen much of.

DM: Well, Cruise has been on a slide since he was forced to vacate the Intercontinental Championship, so he’s probably looking at this match as a way to get back on top.

DT: And Cruise letting Foxx drop down to the canvas there. Apart from that early flurry, it’s been all Cruise in this match, as Foxx hasn’t been able to catch a break.

MN: She can now though.

DT: Cruise sending Foxx to the outside through the ropes. The referee telling Cruise to get back, but he follows Foxx to the outside, and just nails her with a hard right hand to the jaw! Cruise picking Foxx up off the floor, Irish whip… REVERSED! Cameron Cruise going back first into the ring apron as Mercedes looks on, and Foxx fires off a hard right hand, favouring that left arm as she plants a kick to the ribs of Cruise!

DM: This could be the opening Foxx needed.

MN: Not the one I need.

DM: Can someone PLEASE take him to have a cold shower?

DT: Foxx smashes Cruise’s head off the ring apron, and rolls him back into the ring. Foxx now with momentum, sends Cruise off the ropes, and connecting there with a HUGE leg lariat! Standing moonsault…


NO! Kickout there by Cameron Cruise, as Foxx is building a head of steam and looks firmly in control of this match!

DM: And if Mike perverts that, I’m going to hit him.

MN: … I don’t get to have any fun.

DT: Foxx with Cruise up now, and she whips Cruise hard into the corner. Follows in, but Cruise gets the boot up! Cruise throwing Foxx into the corner now, doubling her up with a knee to the gut. Setting her on the top rope now, and a hard right hand! Cruise starting to follow her up, but Foxx fires back! Cruise swings a right, but it’s blocked and Foxx with a right of her own! Cruise is knocked back to the mat… SUNSET FLIP OUT OF THE CORNER!


THNO!! Cameron Cruise able to kickout just before the three there, as Foxx looked to put it away quickly!

DM: Cameron Cruise has to be careful. He’s trying to hit a big move to swing the advantage back his way, but he gave Foxx too much time to shake the cobwebs there.

DT: Foxx now with a knee to the gut of Cruise, and a nice fisherman’s suplex there! How smart is it for her to go for power-moves like that?

DM: She’s definitely strong, but you could see she was straining slightly there - that’s over a hundred pounds more than she weighs she suplexed, and you can see by how she didn’t go for the cover that it took a bit out of her.

DT: Cruise slow to get back to his feet, as Foxx off the ropes… FLYING CROSS BODY! The cover…


Kickout again by Cruise. Foxx back to her feet quickly, measuring Cruise… MISSES the kick to the head, and Cruise with a high-impact German suplex there to retake control!

DM: She went for it with that kick, but Cruise had it scouted.

DT: Cruise not going for the cover, as he’s still a little groggy from that fisherman’s suplex a few moments ago. Cruise measures Foxx, and takes her down hard with a sidewalk slam.



No!! Foxx manages to get the shoulder up, and the former IC champ is looking a little desperate here.

DM: He’s got to keep his focus - I think a lot of people would’ve expected him to have won by now just because he’s wrestling a woman, but Foxx is in there on merit - she’s every bit capable of holding her own against the men in this company.

MN: Yeah, especially… [THWACK!!] HEY!

DM: I warned you.

DT: Cruise with rear chinlock on Foxx now, using the chance to rest and wear Foxx down at the same time.

DM: It’s been said before, but it should be repeated - making your opponent carry your weight like that is a great way to tire them out, and since you get your breath back at the same time, if you don’t get the submission or stoppage, you’re still that much better off.

DT: The fans are trying to get behind Foxx, but Cruise keeps the hold cinched in. The referee asking Foxx if she wants to give up, but she’s shaking her head as Cruise has her in that seated position. Are you surprised by how the match has gone, Dean?

DM: Not really. It’s been pretty close, like the last two times they’ve squared off. I think now we’re starting to see the experience of Cameron Cruise coming to the fore though.

DT: Cruise now powering Foxx to the canvas. Lets go of the chin lock, and DRIVES a knee across the forehead of Foxx. The cover…


Kickout again by Foxx. Slowly but surely, Cruise is wearing her down.

DM: He picks her up, and slams her down with force near the corner. Cruise now climbing to the second rope, and he’s measuring her… a hard fistdrop from the second rope.

DT: But he’s choosing not to go for the cover! Cruise instead picking Foxx up by the hair, leaning her against the ropes… CLOTHESLINE OVER THE TOP!

DM: I don’t know how smart a move this is - he’s going to give Foxx time to recover on the outside, and he’s just standing in the ring as the referee starts his count.

Ref: Two!



DT: And Foxx starting to get to her feet, as Cruise comes off the ropes…

Ref: Six!

DT: MISSES!! Cameron Cruise went for the tope but Foxx stepped out of the way, and Cruise hit the floor hard!

DM: Excellent scouting there by Foxx, as Mercedes comes over to check on her husband. It looks like he’s damaged his knee when he hit the floor.

MN: I’m sure Mercedes can kiss it better.

DT: The referee coming to the outside to check on Cruise, as Foxx connects with a stomp to the chest of Cruise. Mercedes trying to protect her husband as the ref checks on him, but Foxx ignoring her talk as she brushes straight past her and picks Cruise up. A hard chop across the chest of the larger athlete there, and she sends Cruise back into the ring.

DM: I smell a catfight!

DT: Mercedes Devon just pulled Foxx around and is shouting at her! The referee stepping in between the two, and Mercedes is NOT happy.

DM: But it’s given Cruise some time to recover, as he meets Foxx coming in with a kick to the back.

DT: Smart strategy there from Mercedes, but Cruise is still favouring that leg. Cruise now with Foxx up over his shoulder… trying to set her up for the Shipwreck!

DM: Foxx is fighting it though… and flips herself over onto her feet behind him!

DT: Spinning Cruise round, a kick to the gut… ROCKER DROPPER!



THRNO!! Cameron Cruise BARELY gets the shoulder up off the canvas after that quick cover following the Rocker Dropper, and Foxx once again looks in control as she picks Cruise up! Sends him off the ropes… Cruise over Foxx as she dropped down… leg lariat NO!! Cruise catches Foxx in mid-air and just drilled her down onto the canvas!



THRNO!! Foxx this time getting the shoulder up off the canvas! Cameron Cruise can’t believe it, as he picks Foxx up and places her throat first across the second rope, and he’s choking her!

DM: Frustration starting to set in.

DT: The referee counts Cruise to four, and he’s admonishing the former tag-team and IC champion… WHAT’S SHE DOING?!?

DM: Mercedes Devon trying to help her husband out, and maybe get some revenge on Foxx for ducking that chair-shot at the last Aggression.

DT: And Cruise has the ref distracted!

MN: All’s fair in love and war.

DT: This is a wrestling match, not war!

MN: I know - this is tougher.

DT: Mercedes still choking Foxx across the second rope, as Cruise runs in and squashes Foxx’s throat against the rope! The referee’s having words with Cruise, as Foxx is trying to pull herself up using the ropes. Cameron Cruise grabbing a handful of hair, and he sends Foxx off the ropes again, and a hard shoulder tackle there. Cruise is once again in total control thanks to his wife!

DM: And he’s looking to put Foxx away, as he picks Foxx up and drops her across the knee with a backbreaker!

DT: One…


THNO!!! NO!! Foxx BARELY managing to get the shoulder up there, and Cruise can barely contain his anger!

MN: And wifie-poo is moving around outside!

DT: Mercedes just slid a chair into the ring behind the referee’s back, and she’s jumped onto the apron!

DM: Another bit of teamwork from husband and wife!

DT: Mercedes has the referee distracted, and Cruise with the chair! He’s measuring Foxx...

MN: Home run incoming!

DT: CRUISE MISSES! Foxx with a kick to the gut… DDT!! Foxx goes over to the ref… AND A HARD SLAP SENDS MERCEDES TO THE OUTSIDE!


DT: Foxx positioning Cruise in the corner, she climbs up… VIXENS DIVE!! VIXENS DIVE!! THE INWARD FOUR FIFTY CONNECTS!!




[sfx: dingdingdingding]


DT: Unbelievable!! What a big win for Foxx!!

MN: I can’t believe she pinned Cameron Cruise!!

DM: I’m in a bit of shock myself.

[Cut to Cameron Cruise arguing with Mercedes Devon all the way up the aisle. The camera follows him through the curtain where the two run into Joey Melton, who is just standing there giggling.]

Cruise: Shut up, Joey…just SHUT…UP!!

[Melton gets a ‘what’d I do?’ look on his face as Cruise stalks off, Devon behind him leaving Melton looking toward them.]


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
DT: Folks, we’ve been told we’re about to be joined by a special guest in the ring. This is not on the program for tonight, so I’ve got no idea what’s about to happen.

MN: Do you ever?

DT: Well, I….uhhh…

MN: Yessss!

DT: Dean, any clues as to who this might be?

DM: I’m in the dark as much as you are, Dave. My only guess is that it must be someone big, to interrupt the show unplanned.

DT: Well, let’s go to Tony Fatora, who may be the ONLY man in the auditorium to know who our mystery man is.

TF: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to welcome BACK to Empire Pro Wrestling…


[Fatora sets to continue talking, but his mic is cut and the arena goes completely black. There’s a buzz in the crowd, as the speakers remain silent and the lights pitch dark until…]

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

[Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” plays as the crowd explodes in cheers. The lights in the arena come up to reveal a man walking through the curtain, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a tan leather jacket. It’s…]

MN: Holy S#*T!!!! MEGATRON’S BACK!!!!!

DT: Troy Douglas, former number one contender to the World Heavyweight Title, is apparently back! Dean, we’ve seen neither hide nor hair of Troy for almost nine months!

DM: Last I’d heard, he was taking some more time off for his injuries, but considering the state he was in when he walked out of this place, I don’t think any of us expected to see this guy back in an EPW ring.

DT: Well, Dean, he certainly is back here at the United Center for Unleashed, let’s hear what the man has to say.

[Cut to the center of the ring. Douglas has hung his jacket up over a ring post, and is standing mid-ring, microphone in hand.]

DOUGLAS: Bet you didn’t expect to see my sorry ass around these parts again, huh?

[Crowd cheers]

DOUGLAS: I’ve gotta say, if you asked me six months ago, I wouldn’t have believed it either. You see, when I walked away last year, I had every intention of never coming back. Six years ago, I committed myself to the asylum that is this business, and night after night for FIVE YEARS, I pushed an already banged-up body to its absolute limit.

I’ve been through hell during those five years, both in and out of the ring. But last summer, I finally reached my breaking point. All my loss, all my pain, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get away.

So I left. For how long? Well, I never told my employers, my colleagues or my friends, but when I pulled off the road last year, I meant it to be the end. Hell, I was only 29, I’ve got other skills, right? I could move on to a life besides what I do in this ring, right?

Apparently not.

I tried leaving, and it made everything worse. I had no place to let go of my anger, to vent my frustrations, and all the pains of my past consumed me like they never had before. I became a shell of a man, stuck in a room, shunning society like some kind of hermit.

Thankfully, I got help, from people whose names I don’t need to mention, but who helped me learn that I did not have to bear the cross for everyone I’ve ever known and cared about. My mother, my father, the love of my life, all taken far too soon, and I piled on their legacies as a burden on top of my own.

It very nearly killed me. And believe me, it came close, a couple of times in fact, to me ending it all myself.

But that’s not who I am anymore. I still honor those close to me who have passed, but I don’t live with their expectations anymore. My life is my own, and what I realized when I was holed up is that my life isn’t complete without what I do here, in this ring.

So folks, I contacted Dan Ryan, and we struck a deal.

So it’s official. There’s no getting rid of me this time, I AM BACK!

[Crowd pops]

DOUGLAS: I’m back, and this time, I intend to stick around for the long haul. But I’m not here just to beat up on the lower rungs of EPW talent. I’m here to take what Dan Ryan tried his hardest to keep out of my grasp.

The EPW World Heavyweight Title.

I spent almost eighteen months right at the top of this company, always this close to being number one. But never close enough, and never, ever right at the very top. I left here unfulfilled, unable to realize the one dream that has evaded me for an entire career, to stand atop a promotion as its World Champion, to validate what I’ve done, what I’ve been through, everything that I’ve sacrificed.

That’s why I’m back. To make that dream a reality. This time around, no matter how long it takes, no matter who I have to go through, I’m taking that title. I don’t care what my opponents may think of me. They can call me washed-up, not committed enough, anything they want.

When it comes right down to it, in this ring I’m still as good as anyone there is in this business right now. And that includes the six competitors in tonight’s main event.






And our esteemed World Champion, Lindsay Troy. Sure, all of you deserve to be right where you are tonight, but remember that, whichever one of you makes it out of tonight as champion, and I don’t give a damn which one of you it is, I’m waiting for you. We may not meet tomorrow, the next day, the next week, or even the next month, but someday soon enough, you’ll have to reckon with me.

So please, whichever one of you six wins tonight, enjoy it, celebrate it, but know that in time, you’ll have to face a man who’s very LIFE depends on the title that’s around your waist.

I’ll see you soon. G’night folks, and enjoy the rest of the show.

I’ll be watching closely.

[Douglas drops the mic, salutes the crowd, and exits the ring silently, heading back up the ramp to the backstage area.]

DT: Well guys, we've seen one hell of a card so far, and the best is yet to come. The World Championship match is on the other side of this affair, but this ain't no "crowd control match."

DM: Nope, we gon' rage... IN THE CAGE! WOOOO!

MN: You guys are such fanboys. This is only going to be a formality. Shawn Hart is going to crush, and I mean, brutalize JA tonight. The cage will only hasten that.

DM: Hasten, Neels? Did you look on dictionary-dot-com in between matches on your laptop with the Pentium IV processor.

[The annoying Pentium doodad plays.]

MN: You've reached new lows, Dean.

DM: Not really. Remember the time I had Duke, the Bush Baked Beans dog, join commentary?

MN: No, I had just put that out of my memory, along with the stench of Big Loafy's armpits and the Carter Administration.

DM: Wow, someone's fiesty tonight. Did you take your brain pills?

DT: Boys, settle down.


Steel Cage Submissions Match
JA vs. "The Phenom" Shawn Hart

TF: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is a STEEL CAGE SUBMISSIONS MATCH!

[Cue up "The Imperial March." Enter Shawn Hart, Tiny and Felicia Hart to massive heel heat.]

TF: Introducing first, flanked by his sister Felicia and bodyguard Tiny, he weighs in at two-hundred twenty-four pounds, hailing from Orlando, Florida... he is the PHENOM... SHAWN... HAAAAAARRRRRRT~!

DT: Well, here comes the Hart entourage, making their way to the ring.

[Hart looks paranoidally at the crowd, while Tiny slaps potential gropers away from Felicia.]

MN: Could you be any more boring introducing the greatest wrestler this side of the Rio Bravo?

DM: Well, I'll give him his due for being a good techie and such, but dude, he also may be dating his sister.

MN: Lies!

[Hart enters the cage. Referee David Rosenkrantz tells his entourage to go to the back.]

DT: Accusations of incest aside there Dean, there's no doubt that Hart has his quirks, although it looks like two big quirks he relies on are being sent back.

MN: This is an outrage! This is a steel cage match, there's no way they'll be able to interfere!

DT: Neels, this is the year Why-Two-Kay-Six. We're not stupid. Well, maybe you are.

[Cue up "Eat the Rich." The crowd goes noo-cu-ler as Jericoholic Anonymous and Lollipop step out from the back.]

TF: And his opponent, weighing in at two-hundred fifteen and three-eighths pounds, hailing from Philadelphia and being accompanied by his fiancée, Lollipop... he is the Anglo Luchador... Jericoholic... AAAAANONNNNYMOUUUUUUUUSSSS~!

DT: Listen to that ovation for the Anglo Luchador!

[Unnoticed by the announcers, Felicia Hart makes a flippant gesture to JA and Lolli. Lolli responds by sticking her tongue out at her as she and Tiny are escorted out by security.]

MN: I'm listening, alright, and I think I'm gonna hurl.

DM: Why, Neels, because you ate some bad seafood?

MN: No, be...

DM: [interrupting] Because I'm sure the fact that the fans actually connect with a charismatic wrestler who's actually friendly to them and all couldn't make anyone nauseous, even someone like you, right Neels?

MN: Way to kill my buzz... and another thing, if they're throwing Tiny and Felicia out of here, they better throw that stupid Valley girl out too.

DT: Well, it looks like our official, David Rosenkrantz, is telling her to leave, but I could understand if he didn't.

MN: Why would you? He threw Hart's peeps out! Fairness!

DM: Yeah, he threw them out because they do nothing but wreak havoc. Lolli minds her own business. Plus she's hot.

MN: And Felicia isn't?

DM: Well, let's just say if I wanted to look at crackwhores, I'd watch The Simple Life.

MN: Take that back!

DT: Guys! Keep it down, or else I'll start calling everything the greatest event in the history of our sport.

DM: Well look who went out and got a sense of humor.

[JA enters the ring. Rosenkrantz orders the door shut.]

DT: Never let it be known that I don't try.


DT: And we're off. The two... this feud has gone on for so long, even with the break in between, but you can cut the hate between the two with a knife.

MN: Overused wrestling cliché number three-forty-one.

DT: Well it's true! Look at them, just staring each other down. I don't know who wants to make the first move.

DM: Looks like Hart will.

[Shawn Hart... extends a hand?]

DM: And I don't think I'd trust him.

DT: Neither would I, not as far as I could throw him.

MN: Why not? Shawn Hart is a very reputable, sportsmanship-oriented young man.

DM: Sure, and I'm the king of Narnia.

MN: But you're not a lion... I'm confused.

[JA looks out into the crowd to gauge their response to Hart's gesture.]

DT: I wouldn't do it, JA. He's kidnapped your girlfriend and assaulted you.

[JA extends his hand slowly.]

DM: Don't do it! It's a trap! He's gots them nuculer weapons!

MN: Hush Dean! This is sportsmanship!

[JA leans in further, putting his hand just up to Hart's hand when Hart jerks it away, making the "I'm smooth" running his hand through his hair motion.]

DT: See! I told you!

MN: Haha, this is great!

DM: What happened to sportsmanship, anyway Neels?

MN: It's overrated.

DT: JA does not like this one bit, and I wouldn't either. Lunges in and Hart just swats him away like a fly.

[Hart with a lariat to JA, which sends the Anglo Luchador down to the canvas.]

DM: It's almost as if Hart was expecting JA to react that way.

MN: Because JA is stupid!

DM: No, because he's human...

DT: And Hart, relentless here, goes right down and applies a chinlock on JA. Not wasting any time, is he?


[Hart keeps shouting for JA to tap while he has the hold locked in.]

DM: No, he's not, and while he's not going to get the tap he wants, he is going to wear JA out.

DT: Good point Dean. JA's in the ropes now... c'mon ref, he's not breaking the hold!

MN: It's a steel cage match! No rope breaks!

[Hart exhausts the five count while Neels and Dean-o are bantering.]

DM: No, it's a caged submissions match. Rope breaks still apply. So neener-neener-noonie-noo.

MN: Stop making faces at me!

DT: Stop it, or else you both will get no cool refreshing Surge after the match... err, I mean dessert. But Hart is looking like he wants dessert, because he's relentless here, clubbing JA before he could even get up. Now he's stomping him, just punishing him. This isn't going well for the Anglo Luchador at all in the early going.

MN: Of course not, Shawn Hart is a wily, wily bastard, and JA's a moron.

[Hart bounces off the ropes.]

DT: I wouldn't go that far. They're both cagey veterans...

DM: And Hart with the imitation of another cagey veteran with that leg drop.

MN: How dare you compare someone as great as Shawn Hart to that roided orange goblin?

DM: [sighs]

DT: Oh jeez, Hart showing more disrespect to JA by just treading on his face.

MN: No disrespect. He's just giving JA the Big Ben plastic surgery.

DT and DM: ...

MN: Too soon?

DT: [ignoring Neels] Hart back to work with that chinlock, and once again, he's shouting for JA to tap out.

MN: He should! JA has proven that he's no match for Shawn Hart. Just tap already you masked freak!

DM: It's only been two minutes tops, Neels.

MN: That's how good El Hombre Magnifico is! He only needs two minutes!

DT: Not really, because JA's in the ropes again, and again, Hart taking severe liberties with the ref's five count.

MN: Oh c'mon, you get five seconds before you have to get off. It's okay.

DM: Five seconds before you get off? Do you like that because it reminds you of your honeymoon?

MN: Shut up!

DT: Hart finally wrangled off of the Anglo Luchador here by Dave Rosenkrantz and finally, JA has some time to breathe.

DM: No he doesn't.

DT: You're right, Hart is being relentless tonight, shoving off Rosenkrantz and getting right back on JA like a pitbull.

MN: Overused wrestling cliché number two-sixty-eight.

DM: What in the hell are you on about...

DT: Swinging neckbreaker from Hart!

MN: It's in my handbook.

DT: I don't think I want to know. Hart picks JA right back up and another swinging neckbreaker.

DM: Really working the head and neck of JA over here.

DT: And he's not done yet, here comes a third... no! NO! JA just elbowed Hart in the solar plexus! JA shoots right next to Hart... side Russian leg sweep, JA's a house on fire!

MN: We don't need no water, let the mother...


MN: ...father burn!

DT: Amazing! And now JA just segued into that camel clutch right from the sweep!

MN: Yeah, why don't you extend the courtesy of a reacharound the way you're all over him.

DM: And that's different from your Hart worship how?

[JA starts yelling for Hart to tap.]

DT: Guys, pay attention. Now JA's calling for Hart to tap.

MN: Not even close! Hart's just stunned, that's all.

DM: Turnabout's fair play, Neels.

MN: Nothing JA ever does is fair play.

DT: That's not true. I'm sure if Hart got to the ropes, JA would break before Rosenkrantz counted five.

MN: That's got nothing to do with fairness and has everything to do with JA being a wuss.

[JA breaks the hold.]

MN: See? He couldn't even hold onto Hart in a simple camel clutch!

DM: You know the name of a move... astounding Neels, absolutely enthralling.

MN: Shut up.

DT: I think JA knows that this match is far from over. He's grabbing Hart and... LOW BLOW! Right in front of the referee! Disqualify him!

MN: I don't think so, Skeeee-a-vonie Junior. This is a submissions match. The only way you win is by submission.

DM: Sadly, Neels is right. But look at it this way, given his average, we've got another nine-hundred-ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred-ninety-nine times before he's right again.

[Hart drags JA to his feet and DDTs him.]

DT: Textbook DDT, and yeah Dean, I guess I can take solace in that.

MN: Anymore cracks like that and I'm ripping one, right here, right now. And I ate Mexican tonight too, so it'll be rank.

DM: That's just vile, Neels.

DT: Indeed, and now Hart back to the chinlock.

DM: And if you notice, it's sans taunting. JA serving up a heaping helping of humble pie.

MN: Yeah yeah, but who's the one who's getting his neck wrenched right now?

DT: It's definitely JA, although he gets to the ropes again. You'd think Hart would position him a little closer to the middle of the ring.

DM: Not that it matters anyway, seeing as he's always taking the five second liberty.

MN: You act like it's cheating.

DT: That's because anything past five seconds IS cheating.

MN: Semantics, semantics.

DT: Hart finally lets go but doesn't let up. Axehandles to the back of the neck, three, four, five... absolutely brutalizing the former
Intercontinental Champion. JA rolls over on his belly, but that's not going to stop the attack.

[Hart stomps on the back of JA's neck.]

MN: That isn't going to make someone like Hart stop. He's smelled blood, and possibly Lollipop's panties. He's not stopping now.

DM: Dude, that was gross. Not true and gross.

DT: I concur. Hart lines up JA's neck, off the ropes and knee! Knee right to the back of JA's neck and that can't feel good.

MN: Duh.

DT: JA is not in a good way here, and Hart knows it. He's got JA up by the nape of his neck...

MN: Nape? Don't make Hart sound so gay!

DM: He's a borderline homo though...


[Hart with the reverse DDT.]

DT: What impact on that move! JA's brain is rattling in his head right now.

MN: JA has no brain, and secondly, Dean, that's slander! Take it back.

DM: You have a better chance of me not shilling Cracker Barrel in the next five minutes.

MN: You know, you're getting really lazy.

DM: Yep, lazy enough to sit back on a Sunday afternoon and have brunch at Cracker Barr...

DT: I hate to interrupt your commercial there Dean...

[Hart puts JA in a Dragon sleeper.]

DM: You owe me five thousand dollars for butting in on that spot.

DT: Ahem... I said I hate to interrupt, but Hart's got JA in a different submission hold now.

DM: FINALLY! That chinlock almost put me to sleep.

MN: That's because you don't recognize good old-school when you see it.

DT: Nothing old-school about this hold, but it's effective. JA looks like he's fading a little bit, and now Hart is barking something at referee David Rosenkrantz.

DM: I think he wants the ref to check if JA's out.

DT: Still kinda early in the match for that, but he's complying. JA's hand goes up, and it stays up.

MN: He's on roids! Dee-Kyoo him!

DM: Shut up Neels...


DT: Hart having none of it, dropping JA to the canvas with a Dragon sleeper reverse DDT!

DM: Hart punishing the crap out of JA right now.

MN: And I called it. I've been calling it. JA's a bum and he's not in Hart's league.

[Hart picking JA back up to his feet.]

DM: Well whoop-de-do, good for you. This match is still far from over.

DT: You're right about that Dean! JA just blocked a punch from Hart and sent one his way! JA with another right hand...

MN: Closed fist! Closed fist!

[Three more punches from JA over the announcers' banter.]

DM: You said it yourself Neels, there's nothing anyone can do about it. Submissions only, and I for one am loving it seeing Hart get some of his own medicine.

DT: That he is, and now JA's off the ropes, Hart punch drunk and... HART TO THE CANVAS after that chop block!

MN: Cheap shot! Cheap shot!

DM: You'd know that, wouldn't you Neels?

[JA hooks Hart in a single leg crab.]

MN: Hey... shut up.

DM: No, I'm not. Hart bends the rules all the time, and you yummy down on his mansac like it was cotton candy, but JA takes the liberties and he's the most evil person ever. Eff that.

DT: Well, I have to take Neels' side here, at least partially. That was a low move from JA, and he's usually above that.

DM: Oh, don't puss out on me Dave. He's giving Hart a taste of his own medicine.

DT: Well I agree with that, but I still don't think it's right. No need for JA to stoop to his opposition's level.

MN: Yeah! You tell 'em Dave.

DT and DM: Shut up, Neels.

[Hart gets to the ropes.]

MN: Don't tell me to sh...

DT: [interrupting] Hart's up, but JA catches him with a hard knife edge chop to the chest!


DT: And another!


DT: And an... NO! NO!

[JA fakes a chop, Hart flinches and JA, with the clear shot, dropkicks Hart in the knee.]

DT: JA just faked Shawn Hart right out of his wrestling boots!

DM: Your boyfriend's in trouble, Neels. JA is taking out his wheels. Setting him up for the Walls.

MN: Oh please, his rip-off move isn't going to do any harm.

[JA stomps on Hart's legs.]

DM: If he keeps doing that, it will.

DT: Now it's JA's turn to be merciless and relentless, only he's attacking Hart's legs. He's got Hart by the legs and...

[JA with a wishbone leg split on Hart.]

DM: Make a wish!

DT: Hart's split and he doesn't know where to hold!

MN: This is an outrage! How dare this masked freak break the rules like...

DM: Shut up, Neels.

MN: Make m...

DT: [interrupting] JA now wrapping Hart up in that submission hold, once again, working the lower body.

DM: That's an inverted Indian deathlock, Dave. With a BRIDGE~!

MN: Look at you, Mr. Smarty Pants.

DM: Hey, it's part of the job.

DT: Hart looks like he's in pain, wincing.

MN: Well, if you were being wrangled illegally...

DM: What's so illegal about an inverted Indian deathlock...

DT: Hart's in the ropes, JA breaks the hold. And Neels, I agree with Dean, I wanna know what's so bad about that hold.

MN: Well... uhhh...

DT: JA once again, showing no mercy. This is a different JA from the one we saw at Russian Roulette, the hesitant one afraid of attacking an injury.

[JA drags Hart to his feet from his refuge in the ropes.]

DM: But he didn't have a reason to hate Cross then.

DT: Still though, he's attacking the injury.

[JA with the dragon screw.]

DT: See there, attacking the spot, going for the easy submission.

DM: Yeah, those dragon screw leg whips... that's the second one in succession.

DT: He's got Hart up for a third one... no! The Phenom blocks it,
enzugiri... NO! JA ducks!

MN: But Hart landed on his feet! He's got catlike reflexes...

DT: Hart turns around... JA grabs him by the legs! Hart to the canvas! Could we see the Walls here?

DM: If he is, this might be over.

DT: He's rocking back... CATAPULT! CATAPULT! JA just catapulted Hart into the cage!

MN: Not fair! Not...


DT: Did you cut his mic?

DM: Yep.

DT: Thanks.

MN: You bastards!

DT: Hehe... JA's looming over Hart as the Phenom rolls on the canvas. HE's over Hart, leaning over... WHAT THE HELL?


DM: Where in the hell...

DT: Hart rising to his feet, that Purple Nurple cinched in, JA looks like he's in agony.

DM: He's got his nipple, of course he's in agony.

DT: Hart's got that hold locked in and... NO! JA swats Hart's arm away, breaking the hold... OH MY! Hart right out of the break loaded up with El Codo Explosivo! That spinning elbow just knocked JA for a loop!

MN: This is awesome!

DM: I'll pull the plug on your mic again.

DT: Settle down! Hart's got JA's arm and whips him into the corner. Hart saunters in, what's he going to do?

DM: Some kind of top rope move. Either that or he's going to do something really homoerotic.

MN: You wish, Dean.

DT: Hart perches JA up on the top rope, I think we're going to see a superplex. He's got JA hooked and back... NO! JA blocks it! Hart tries again, but JA blocks it again. They're struggling...

MN: No!!

DM: Yes!!

DT: JA's pushing forward and he's got Hart...

[Wheeee... CRASH!]


DM: Holy Jebus... that was amazing.

DT: Hart is broken on the canvas! JA to his feet, I don't even think HE believes what he just did! He's looking to the crowd...

MN: Probably because he feels kindred spirits with those morons!

DT: He's grabbing Hart by the legs... Walls of Jericoholic! Walls of Jericoholic! He's got that elevated crab locked in tight!

DM: This match is as good as over...

MN: No it's not! Hart's close enough to the ropes, he can get there!

DT: He's reaching, but I don't know if he's got enough fight after that super backbreaker...

DM: If that was in a regular match, the pinfall would have been academic, but because this is a submissions match, he might have some time, oddly enough.

DT: Hart reaching for the ropes, one last grasp... he's... he's... TAPPING! Shawn Hart is tapping out! Rosenkrantz calls for the bell!


[Crowd pops, JA breaks the hold.]


DT: JA has done it!! He’s finally rid himself of that monkey on his back and put Shawn Hart down with a decisive win!!

DM: Great match, guys! You just can’t ask for much more than that.

DT: Folks, we’ll be back right after this with the World Tag Team Championship!! Don’t go away!!.


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
[Meanwhile, backstage sometime during the Hart-JA match…]

“How do I look?”

Joey Melton checked himself out in a locker room mirror of the United Center and asked Adrian Evans, friend, spiritual sage, prescription drug runner, for a more objective assessment.

“I’d be terrified of you. Flex for me one more time, Champ.”

Melton curled his right arm to shoulder height and flexed his bicep as hard as he could. Maybe the Earth didn’t quake, but both men are easily impressed. “Looks to me like you’ve over trained. Massive!”

“You’d be scared…”

“Damn straight.”

“But will Lindsay? She’s seen me watch the last twenty minutes of ‘An Officer and a Gentlemen.’ Adrian, Lindsay knows I’ve been through sensitivity training!”

“See, I thought that was just a rumor.”

“I thought I was going to lose her.” Evans backed up. “Adrian, come on. I’m still me. Joey! I,” A tear formed in the corner of Adrian’s right eye. “I was poor and desperate, what did you want me to do?”

“Rob a train on horseback, crap man. Something.”

“I was young and impetuous.”

“It was last year!”

“I’d never been to a men’s retreat before. I was broken, alone and curious.”

“I don’t care what you were, I’m devastated. What about me?!”

“Eddy Love was there too,” Little Voltron doubled over. “Didn’t see that one coming. He and Melissa were having problems. She wanted to go back to school, Eddy didn’t know what school was. That sort of thing.”

“And Hornet on pain killers about the same time. Great. Just shoot me dead and paint me yellow.”

“You know, I’m not ashamed to say it. I felt empowered by the decision. So much of our problems as men, Adrian, are due to a breakdown in communication. I enjoyed learning it was okay to expression yourself. Okay to cry and be free.”

“Wait a minute. Was that why you handed out pottery as Christmas gifts this year?”

“Apparently, I’m quite gifted.”

“Oh for ****’s sake.”

“What? I would’ve taken ice sculpting but the freezer at Camp went on the ****s.”

“Great. You’re about to get your ass kicked by five men, but you can make Baby a new salad bowl.”

“Make fun. Keep all that pent up frustration and rage bottled up. It’ll kill you. Meanwhile I’m happy. I’m…”


“As nervous as a gerbil in a gay bar. I don’t know what to do tonight. I feel like I wanna…”

“If you say cry, so help me God…”

“Throw up, asshole.”

“You’re as white as a ghost. Sit!”

Melton sat on a chair.

“It’s the first time for me.”

“First time, what?” Evans wet a washcloth and dotted at Melton’s forehead.

“Facing Lindsay in ring. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Adrian stopped in his tracks and looked cross. “What you’re supposed to do? You do what you’ve done for nearly twenty years. You steal the show. You go out there get the job done and come back with the World Heavyweight Championship. That’s what you do, Melton.”

“Yeah, but…”

“I know it was different for you when women were whores and after show conquests. Better days, but you’re in the ring, you’re in love with a woman who’s dicked over previous lovers in front of national audiences. Joey, no man she’s never dated has been left the better for it. She’s a ****ing dialect. So, I’d suggest you get your head out of your ass and show some backbone man. Make no mistake, Lindsay Troy will destroy you if the moment presents itself, and when you’re weak and beaten in her eyes, she’ll move on.”

“Shut up.”

“You better separate business from pleasure, because she for damn sure will.”

“You don’t know her, Adrian. You don’t know! She’s in her room right now, as torn up as I am!”

“Birds of a feather flock together….”

“Yes! I’ll prove it. I’M GOING TO BE THE BIGGER MAN! I’m going over to my lover and I’m going to put her mind at ease. Walk this way and be proven wrong.”

“I hope I am…”


Melton knocks twice on Troy’s locker room door. “Beautiful…it’s me. Got a minute?”

A dull rustling in the background answers before Lindsay grunts, “Yeah.”

“Watch the master work,” Joey flashes a wry smile at Evans and opens the locker room door.

Inside, Evans and Melton quivered as an icy smoke billows under their feet. They stood in amazement as Lindsay Troy, fists taped and bloodied, went to work on a large, hung, piece of meat.

“Sweet Mary, is she training for you or Apollo Creed?”

Troy grunted and delivered a series of hard, brutal upper cuts to the ribs. “Hang on…” Lindsay stepped back and unleashed a roundhouse kick.


“Dude, you’re ****ed.”

“What?” Lindsay hastily asked, curing an itch above her lip with her bloodied right hand. “How much time until we’re on?”

Troy buried one last shot into the emasculated opponent, blood spurting in every direction as she connected.

Melton backed up and tripped over Adrian’s cowering body. “DON’T KILL ME.”




“Huh?” Melton snapped out of his daze, rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and found Troy sitting on the couch next to him.

“I need to finish getting ready, and so do you.”

“Ready? Yeah. Yeah you’re right. Lost track of the time.”

The pair sat in awkward silence, like they had been sitting in before Melton dozed off. Lindsay picked some lint off the couch in an attempt to ignore the big pink elephant in the room that was the realization that the two of them were <i>really</i>, <i>actually</i> going to have to fight each other. Yeah, they had talked about it, but now the day was upon them and first-fight jitters left them tongue-tied.

Joey gazed around the room to get his bearings then glanced at Troy, who was now pulling at an unraveled thread on her shirt. "So..."



"This isn't a 'repeat after me' game, Lindz."

"I know."

Pause. A stray cat's been run over on the road outside the United Center, both are sure of it.

"We're gonna be fine after this, right Joey? I mean, I know we discussed everything weeks ago but..."

"But this is a cluster**** with four other people."

"Pretty much."

"Hmm." Melton looked deep in thought, no easy task for the man. "Take everyone else away and this is no different than us sparring in that Dungeon of yours."

Lindsay nodded; this was one of the rare times that Melton not only made sense, but was eerily serious about something. "You're right...for once."

"Than...hey now."

"We'll be alright...how can we not be, right? Now scram, I need to stretch and get dressed and get taped up."

"But...but you know that's my favorite part!"

She grinned, pulled Joey to his feet and pushed him towards the door. "Out! I'll let you help me cool down later."


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
[Back to the ringside area….]

["Links 2-3-4" by Rammstein hits over the PA and the crowd fills with boos.]

DT: Well folks, that music can only mean one thing, our tag team champions are about to make their way out here to the ring as we get ready for some great EPW action.

[Max and Jecht make their way out from behind the curtain, led by their manager and tag team partner for the night, Leonard Johnson.]

MN: And if I might say so, my pick to retain the tag team titles are the ones making their way down the ramp right now.

DM: That certainly sounds like a bold prediction, Neels. The Highland Park Social Club have really set the world of Empire Pro on fire since they’ve arrived here on the scene.

MN: Have you happened to have been watching the tag team division here in EPW, Matthews? No one has even come close to touching Blitz, and tonight, that trend will continue as the only smiley face we’ll be seeing tonight is the one on Chip Friendly’s ass.

DT: Neels! We may be on Pay-Per-View, but this is still family entertainment!

MN: Hey, don’t blame me. Everyone knows where that smiley face is.


EPW World Tag-Team Championship
Blitz (c) vs. The Highland Park Social Club

[“Ride of the Valkyries” by Richard Wagner leads the crowd to diminish their amount of boos, but some are still very audible as Slambo the Clown dances out onto the stage. Chip Friendly and Richard Farnswirth follow closely behind as Tony Fatora intros the match.

TF: Ladies and gentlemen… the following six-man tag team match is set for one fall… and is for the EPW World Tag Team Championships…

Introducing first, the challengers…weighing in at a combined weight of seven hundred and forty nine pounds…Richard Farnswirth, Chip Friendly, and Slambo the Clown… The Highland Park Sooooocialll Cluuubbb!

[Minor pop.]

TF: And their opponents…weighing in at a combined weight of eight hundred and thirty two pounds…they are the reigning Empire Pro World Tag Team Champions…BLIIIIIIITZZZZ!!!


DT: Well ladies and gentlemen, the formalities are out of the way and we’re ready to get this action underway as Blitz get ready to take on the Highland Park Social Club in what is really a handicap match with Leonard Johnson being their tag team partner.

MN: That’s right that it is a handicap match. Because the HPSC should have another tag team partner to even this one out. Blitz is here to stay as the tag team champions!

DM: Well, after some deliberations, it looks as though Max and Slambo are going to start this one out. Here we go!

DT: There’s a quick collar and elbow that Max easily wins. He presses Slambo back into the ropes and there’s an Irish whip. Max swings the clothesline, but Slambo ducks the blow. Slambo hits the opposite ropes…

DM: And there’s a big knee that Slambo can’t quite duck as it flips the clown right in the middle of the ring!

DT: Max quickly bounces off the adjacent ropes with a quick elbow drop! Max quickly pulls Slambo to his feet and over to the Team Blitz corner. There’s a tag to Jecht, who quickly enters the ring. Max lifts the near arm of Slambo and Jecht catches him with a well-placed kick to the ribs. Slambo doubles over.

DM: Front facelock by Jecht, who now lifts Slambo up in the air for a big vertical suplex! Jecht goes for a pin…



Kickout by Slambo!

DT: But Jecht will stay on the attack as he pulls Slambo by up. But there’s a right hand by Slambo! And another! Jecht is now the one who is doubled over! Slambo off the ropes…

DM: Big bulldog! Jecht goes face-first into the mat! Slambo rolls over and gives the tag in to Farnswirth!

DT: Farnswirth quickly pulls up Jecht and grabs him in a front facelock of his own. Big swinging neckbreaker there by Farnsy! Farnsy quickly goes for the cover…



But Max breaks it up!

MN: What the hell is this damn ref doing? He’s trying to keep an anxious competitor out of the ring! I don’t believe he’s restraining Max like this!

DT: He’s not the legal man, Neels!

MN: But he’s a competitor who’s simply trying to entertain these fans.

DT: No he’s not! He’s someone who’s simply trying to protect his precious gold around his waist.

MN: You know, it’s partial comments like that that will keep you from ever winning announcer of the year.

DM: Guys, back to the action… Jecht has made his way up here and is exchanging right hands with Richard Farnswirth.

DT: And unfortunately for Farnsy, he’s fighting a losing battle, as the much bigger Jecht has absorbed the majority of Farnsy’s blows and has now backed him into the corner. Farnsy swings, but Jecht blocks it. Jecht quickly hits Farnsy with a right of his own to the midsection.

DM: And now Jecht quickly gets under Farnsy and picks him up to the top rope.

DT: Oh no! What’s he going to do with him up there!

DM: He wraps his hand around Farnswirth’s throat! He could be looking for a chokeslam here!

DT: But Farnsy lands a stiff kick to the chops and Jecht is forced to release the hold.

DM: And now Farnsy is standing on the top rope!

DT: But that damn Max pushes him off! Farnswirth just crashed down to the mat hard, and now it is Blitz with the advantage.

MN: As they will continue to have, because they are the tag team champions, Thomas.

DM: Well, Jecht is already back up here. He pulls Farnswirth up to his feet. There’s an Irish whip. Farnswirth rebounds…

DT: But Farnswirth ducks the clothesline and quickly lands a desperation Russian Leg Sweep! Both men are down now as Farnswirth is still holding his head from that fall off the ropes!

MN: For God’s sake Jecht! It was only a Russian Leg Sweep! Get the hell up and tag in Max!

DM: Both men are crawling towards their corners! It’s a race of wills! They stretch out…

DT: Chip Friendly is tagged in! He charges in and grabs Jecht by the foot! Jecht makes one last lunge…

MN: Uh oh.

DM: Jecht tags in Leonard Johnson! And Johnson is refusing to enter the match!

MN: You tell them Leonard! You don’t belong in that ring! You’re too fragile!

DT: Then he shouldn’t have agreed to this match! And that’s what the ref is telling him right now! The ref is commanding him into the ring! Johnson quickly reaches to Max.

DM: But Chip Friendly pulls him away! He pulls his hand back…

DT: But there’s that damn Max to interject!

DM: But Slambo cuts him off with a shoulder tackle! Slambo and Max topple through the ropes and now it’s just Chip and Johnson in the middle of the ring!

DT: Chip pushes Leonard back into the ropes before whipping him across the ring.

DM: But look at this! That damn Leonard Johnson grabbed hold of the ropes and slid out of the ring! He needs to get back in there and be a man!

DT: Well, Chip looks like he’s going to make him do that as he now slides out of the ring as well!

DM: And Johnson takes off! He’s lapping around the ring to try and stay away from Chip Friendly!

MN: He’s not trying to stay away! This is all part of the strategy to wear down Chip. He’s carrying a lot more weight than Leonard is. And Chip will soon tire out.

DT: Well, we’ll see about that, I guess. Chip now turns another corner…

DM: But Jecht was hiding behind that ring post in his corner and he just came out of nowhere and CLOBBERED Chip Friendly with a clothesline! Jecht rolls the prone Chip Friendly back into the ring as Johnson slides back in as well.

DT: And now look at Johnson! He’s got a lot of confidence with Chip Friendly out on the mat!

MN: Shouldn’t he though?

DT: I guess, but Jecht is the one who did all the work. Johnson has no reason to be walking around with his chest out.

MN: His man is down on the mat.

DM: And now look at him! He’s stomping away at Chip! Now what the hell is he doing? Johnson bounces off the ropes. He rebounds into the other set…

DT: Are you kidding me?! The People’s Elbow as delivered by Leonard Johnson! He makes the cover…



Three-NO! Kickout by Chip Friendly!

DM: Johnson quickly back up to his feet here.

DT: And now he SLAPS Chip Friendly in the face!

MN: I don’t think that’s a good move Leonard!

DT: And now he does it again!

DM: I think Chip Friendly is coming to! He’s to one knee…

DT: Johnson pulls back…

DM: But Chip grabs his hand! Look at the look in Chip Friendly’s eyes!

DT: Oh my God! There’s a standing Smiley Face by Chip! Johnson is reeling here as he tumbles backwards!

DM: I think he got a tag to Jecht! And what’s worse, I don’t think Chip realizes it!

DT: Chip still has that hold locked in tight as Johnson is pounding the mat vigorously, but it can’t count as a submission because the legal man has just snuck in behind Chip’s back.

DM: Jecht reaches down and grabs Chip from behind. Jecht Shot! Jecht just caught Chip with a modified version of his own Jecht Shot! Chip is out in the middle of the ring! Jecht makes the cover…



Broken up by Farnswirth!

DT: And now Farnswirth and Jecht are going at it! Right hands are flying all over the place! Jecht gets the upperhand as he backs Farnswirth into the ropes. There’s an Irish whip…

DM: Oh my! Max just came out of nowhere and caught the running Farnswirth with that Maximum Impact!

DT: But here comes Chip over to help out Farnsy! He steps in front of the rising Max and locks him in that same modified Smiley Face that he had Leonard Johnson locked in just a few moments ago!

DM: Max is screaming out in pain as the ref tries to pry Chip off of him and regain some control, but Chip is not having it. He keeps that hold locked in tight.

DT: But there’s Jecht to break up the hold! He wraps his hand around Chip’s throat. He lifts him high into the air…

DM: Big time chokeslam there by Jecht!

MN: This one’s over, Matthews! Just ring the bell now!

DT: Don’t say that just yet, Neels. Slambo has just snuck up behind Jecht, who is still hovering over Chip Friendly! Jecht has no idea that Slambo has even entered the ring, possibly forgetting that this is a six-man tag team match!

DM: Slambo grabs Jecht by the shoulder and whirls him around! There’s a quick kick to the midsection by Slambo!

DT: The Last Laugh! Slambo just caught one-half of the tag team champions with that bodyslam-piledriver! That was a phenomenal display of strength by Slambo there to even get Jecht off the ground!

DM: Well, the ring has really been cleared out here.

MN: Not good. Not good at all!

DM: Uh oh. I see what you’re saying, Neels. There are actually two men left in the ring here!

DT: Leonard Johnson is trapped in the ring alone with Slambo!

MN: Good God Leonard! RUN!

DT: Johnson stumbles to his feet as he holds his jaw from that Smiley Face. He stumbles backwards…

DM: And right into Slambo! Look at his face! He knows something’s wrong because the person he just bumped didn’t budge!

MN: Run! Don’t turn around!

DT: He’s not listening, Neels. He turns around and quickly crumbles to a knee! Look at him pleading with Slambo!

DM: And look at this! Is Slambo actually…smiling?

DT: He certainly is as he grabs Leonard and pulls him to his feet. There’s a whip into the ropes and a kick to the midsection…

DM: Joy Buzzer! Slambo just nailed the manager of Blitz with that sit-out butterfly powerbomb!

DT: Leonard Johnson is motionless on the mat! There’s a pin with no one around…





TF: Ladies and gentlemennnnn….here are your winners, and NEW Empire Pro Tag Team Champions of the Worrrrrrrllllllllddddddd…The Highland Parrrrrrrrk Sooooooociallllll Cluuuuuubbbbb!!!

DT: They’ve done it! After nothing but dominance from Blitz for so long here in EPW, the Highland Park Social Club have put an end to their reign by defeating them right in the middle of the ring for their tag team titles!

MN: This is crap! Neither member of Blitz was actually pinned! Those titles should still be around their waist!

DM: They agreed to these rules, Neels! If they didn’t think they could win with Leonard Johnson in their corner, they shouldn’t have agreed to the match.

MN: Was he even the legal man?

DT: Who knows? Blitz started that whole bit of pandemonium. They shouldn’t have started it if they couldn’t finish.

MN: But they did finish it! That damn Slambo shouldn’t have been part of the match!

DT: Folks, we’re going to take a moment and try to calm Neels down, but don’t worry, there’s plenty of great EPW Pay-Per-View action yet to come, including our six-person main event for the EPW Title!


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
[Cut to: Backstage as we see Lindsay Troy, dressed in her full wrestling gear and with her EPW World Heavyweight Title draped over her shoulder. She walks down the hallway, but then as she rounds the corner she immediately bumps into someone on the other side. Lindsay shakes it off as she stands toe-to-toe with someone that is rather unfamiliar and has never been seen on EPW television. Lindsay stands her ground naturally but she does have to look up slightly at this rather tall female that glares down with a unphased and emotionless look on her face. This tall, muscular female stands at about 6'4, and weighs approximately 185 lbs. The unknown female has long fiery red hair, fair white skin, and green eyes. She is dressed in non-wrestling black leather street attire capped off with a matching long hooded leather trenchcoat.]

[Lindsay Troy doesn't say anything, but through noticible lip reading we can see that she simply mouthed the words "Who...The...F---?!" while she stares back at this red haired demon of a woman. Suddenly another woman peers out from behind the unknown woman. She is shorter than both Troy and the other woman. She is very voluptuous and beautiful with long jet black hair and blue eyes. She has fair white skin and wearing a red seductive evening gown revealing all of her lovely curves.]

"Lindsay Troy I presume. How lovely it is to finally make your acquaintance. Allow me to introduce you and the rest of EPW to the new face of fate. My name is Delilah Demonik, and my fellow pupil and confidant right here before you is 'The Dark Phenom' Nakita Dahaka. Fate incarnate and harbinger of destruction and mendacity."

[Delilah seductively and sensually walks around behind Lindsey Troy, her ruby red lips very close to Lindsey's ear as Delilah speaks softly into her ear.]

"And we'll be seeing you...real...real...soon."

[Delilah turns on her heels as she walks off. She gestures for Nakita to follow her. Nakita takes one final look at the EPW World Heavyweight Champion. Nakita's only response is in her facial expressions as her calm expression changes into that of a sly little smile creeping on her face. Nakita Dahaka steps forward walking passed Troy down the hall, not before casually bumping her shoulder into Lindsey's as she passes by taking Troy by surprise. Lindsey can only watch and mouth the words “Yikes” as the scene changes/fades out.]

[Cut to the ring, where Mike Evers is already in the ring warming up. The fans rallying behind him.]

DT: Oh I am excited for this next match up!

MN: Why?

DM: The build up, the excitement, Come on you can't make it any better.

DT: Exactly.

MN: You can make it 30 times better!

DM: And you suggest that how?

MN: Easily you take Mike Evers out of the picture and just hand Benjamin the title!


EPW Television Championship
Adam Benjamin (c) vs. "Da Bomb" Mike Evers

[CUE UP: "Loose Yourself" by Eminem. The fans start to boo loudly as Benjamin rubs the TV title. He walks to the ring pointing at Mike Evers.]


DT: And Benjamin is in the ring, Mike Evers staring down Benjamin. Look at the intensity in his eyes!


DM: This one is under way!

MN: Let's get it on!

DT: Adam and Mike circling, Adam reaching for Mikes leg but Mike moves out of the way. Adam motion for Mike to tie up.

DM: Adam with the tie up….Arm drag from the rookie! And Adam standing up and grabbing the ropes. And Evers with a smile on his face.

MN: Luck! That's all it was, it was all luck.

DT: Adam motioning for another tie up. Evers locks up. Benjamin with a hammer lock…..Evers reverses it, Benjamin goes to a drop toe hold, turns around and grabs a front face lock.

DM: Good exchange…Evers with a sit out and reverses to a hammer lock again! This kid is smart! Mike is cranking that hammer lock, Adam Benjamin is in pain, and he works to his feet, Evers switching to a head lock…

MN: I'm telling you its all luck!

DT: Benjamin pushing Evers to the ropes and shoots him off Hip Toss…NO! Evers blocks it! Mike Evers with a clothesline! NO! Benjamin ducks with a go behind and locks his hands around his waist. Benjamin pushing Evers to the ropes and pulls him back….but Evers grabs the ropes and Adam Benjamin stumbles back. Evers bounces off the ropes, drop down from Benjamin, Leap frog vertical and Evers rolls under Adam, A kick by Mike and Adam grabs his foot. Enzuguri from Mike Evers!

DM: What a display here!!!

MN: Ha! Benjamin will pull ahead!

DM: Adam on his feet Evers goes for a punch, Adam blocks gets the arm wringer and transitions to a hammerlock, Mike reverses it back to a hammerlock. Benjamin elbows once, and another elbow, Benjamin running to the ropes, Mike Evers is against the ropes. Here comes Benjamin!!! MIKE EVERS WITH A HIP TOSS OVER THE TOP ROPE!!! NO BENJAMIN HOOKS HIS ARM ON THE WAY DOWN AND EVERS IS ON THE FLOOR TOO FROM THE ARM DRAG!!

MN: Once again Adam Benjamin is a step ahead!

DT: And they are both lying down on the floor.

MN: Adam Benjamin is resting before he makes his full assault.

DM: Both men are getting up! The crowd is on their feet!!!

DT: Adam and Mike exchanging punches. And both men thinking the same exact thing and slide in the ring! Adam lifting his hand up signaling for a test of strength Mike reaching. And cheap kick to the stomach from Adam Benjamin! Irish whip from Adam, BIG HIP TOSS! Benjamin keeps the arm and locks in a arm bar!

DM: Mike Evers is in a world of trouble, when Benjamin is on the ground he is one of the most dangerous technical fighters to this date bar none!

MN: I agree!

DT: Of course you would!

DM: Look! Mike Evers rolling to his knees, Adam is keeping the arm bar, Mike using both hands to pick up Benjamin….a short power bomb from Evers and Benjamin lets go! Evers picking up Adam, and a forearm to the face, now a chop!

DT: Mike shooting off Benjamin, Mike with a drop kick….NO! Benjamin holds the ropes and Evers comes right back down. And Adam grabbing Evers leg and now has a leg lock on him!

MN: Look at Evers squirm!

DM: And Evers grabs the ropes! All that squirming got him somewhere huh Mike!

MN: Shut up!

DT: And Benjamin kicks the knee of Mike Evers, and now a knee drop to that hurt leg!

DM: Like I said Benjamin is a technical machine.

DT: And Benjamin looks at Evers who is in pain….He's calling for the shinning wizard!

MN: It's over!! Evers getting up on one knee. Benjamin running full force……THE KICK!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!

DM: And Benjamin slipped on Evers knee!!! I can't believe it! This kid has a guardian angel 'cause he should be done for right now! Benjamin is pissed! He lifts up Evers and puts him the corner a shot to the gut, and another. Benjamin shooting Evers to the other corner, Evers jumps on the second rope…HIGH CROSSBODY TO ADAM BENJAMIN!!

DT: Cover! 1…..2…..kick out from Adam Benjamin. Mike Evers is getting to his feet, Adam Benjamin with a punch to that hurt leg. Evers hunched over trying to protect that knee. Benjamin with a hustle to his feet and to the ropes and a chop block from Adam Benjamin.

DM: Adam Benjamin has found Mike Evers weak point and now he is going to attack it.

MN: Mike Evers is done for! Benjamin locking in a toe hold and the ref is asking Evers if he wants to give up. Evers is saying no, Benjamin lets it go and lifts up the challenger. Benjamin with an Irish whip, Evers is limping SIDE WALK SLAM!! NO! EVERS WITH A HURRICARANA!! Benjamin holding his head and gets up....DROP KICK FROM MIKE EVERS!!!! And Mike is down hold his knee, Benjamin is holding his face.

DT: Evers with a come back! Mike using the ropes to work to his feet, Adam getting up, and clothesline from Evers as he limps, and another! Benjamin up on his feet, Mike going for a third clothesline while Benjamin is on the ropes…. AND HE CLOTHESLINES HIM TO THE OUTSIDE.

DM: This is going to get really nasty! Mike Evers rolls out of the ring, Benjamin with a low blow! CHEATER!


DT: Disgusting….Benjamin going to throw Evers into the ring post…NO! Evers reverses and back first goes Benjamin!!! Evers rolls him in the ring and gets on the apron. Evers jumping over the top rope and onto the second turnbuckle…MOONSAULT ON TO BENJAMIN!! AND IT CONNECTS!


DM: COVER! 1…..2……..3!!!! HE'S DONE IT!!!

DT: NO! He hasn't Adam Benjamin kick out at the last second there! Evers pointing up at the second rope, he lifts up Benjamin, Mike is climbing the buckle while dragging Adam up with him. …They are both on the top rope, Benjamin with a shot to the gut…NO!! Samoan Drop off the tope rope from Mike Evers!!

DM: Holy ****!


DT: 1…..2……3!!!


DT: A hard loss for Mike Evers.


[Adam Benjamin gets up and tries to grab the title from Ref. But the ref won't give it to him. The ref then whispers to Tony Fatora.]

FATORA: Here is your winner by pinfall…..MMMIIKKKKEEEE EEVVVVEERRRSSS!!!!!

DT/DM/MN: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

DM: Adam Benjamin demanding an instant reply from the refs camera angle!

[The instant reply shows Benjamin with his shoulders down during the crucifix pin and Evers with on should slightly up. Mike Evers looks at the instant replay at the titantron and then is surprised as he grabs the title and jumps around. Adam Benjamin is furious.]


MN: NO!!

DM: That was really close!

DT: We’ve got a new Television Champion!!

DM: I think Evers is as shocked as we are!!

[Cut to a shot of Evers in the ring, the ref clasping the title around his waist. Benjamin rushes him and gets back body dropped over the ropes for his trouble, where he furiously pounds the ring apron in anger.]

MN: Dammit!!

DT: Folks, we’ll be right back!!


Sep 11, 1997
Katy, TX
EPW World Heavyweight Championship
Six Person Match
"The Queen of the Ring" Lindsay Troy (c) vs. Beast vs. Kin Hiroshi vs. "Triple X" Sean Stevens vs. Joey Melton vs. Karl "the Dragon" Brown

FADEIN: A close-up shot of a teenage fan in the UNITED CENTER sporting a #23 home jersey and a replica - plastic mind you - of the EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE! The kid mugs for the camera as his buddies pour into frame. Do people act this way at the Zoo? Do the animals when we’re not around?

CUTTO: A giddy Tony Fatora in the middle of the ring, black and white tuxedo a size too tight. Fatora straightens his bow tie and blushes as the CHEERS of anticipation filter in.

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen! [MARK!] Time for our MAIN EVENT!

MN: [V/O] I love those words Dave. They usually mean public humiliation for some poor sod.

DT: [V/O] Don’t confuse “Main Event” with “Last Call.”

MN: [V/O] You know, that’s a point.

TONY FATORA: Five men and one WOMAN [Crowd cheers!] for the EPW WORLD HEAYVWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Sixty-minute time limit! Elimination match! First, our challengers!

MUSIC UP: "Rainmaker" by Iron Maiden.


CUTTO: “The Dragon” Karl Brown stepping onto the gantry, arms outstretched, assuming victory. Respectful cheers fall like rose pedals paving Karl’s walk to the ring. Confidence is quiet; over confidence are his peers.

TONY FATORA: A six-foot Chap. From the homeland! The Dragon! KARL BROWN!

CUTTO: Karl Brown walking around the ring, glancing into the crowd but otherwised focused.

DT: [V/O] The Dragon has had a shot at this belt before, and guys, nobody’s talking about Brown walking out of here with the title but he could damn well do it.

MN: [V/O] Ugh. Talking about Karl Brown is like eating a Rice Cake.

DM: [V/O] Why is that?

MN: [V/O] What else do you say, but “Can I have something else?”

DT: [V/O] Please…

MUSIC UP: “Sigillum Diaboli" - H.I.M


CUTTO: The Empiretron. The vastness of Space. Suddenly, Kin Hiroshi flies by on a broom. [Crowd cheers]

CUTTO: Kin Hiroshi on the gantry, “How am I here?” grin wearing him.

TONY FATORA: From the great state of Tokyo, this six-foot wonder weighed in at
235 lbs. Put your Muffins together for KIN HIROSHI!

CUTTO: Hiroshi gladly letting Karl Brown hold the ropes for him, then patting Sean on the back. Karl extends his hand, and Hiroshi kisses it.

DT: [V/O] You know, it alarms me that Kin Hiroshi really thinks he’s Jean-Luc Picard. Not sure why it should, but maybe it’s just with Hiroshi in general I’m frightened.

MN: [V/O] Can’t blame you. What did you do before winning the EPW World Title? I sold muffins. Gutting, really.

DM: [V/O] It’s like buying Ice Cream from a neighborhood vendor, and then seeing him on Dateline NBC years later profiled as a computer predator. Vanilla, just isn’t Vanilla anymore after that revelation, huh?

MN: [V/O] What the hell are you talking about?

MUSIC UP: “Love Is A Battlefield” by Pat Bentar


CUTTO: The Empiretron. A quick slide-show of Joey’s greatest EPW moments. Then we CUTTO Melton strutting out on the gantry. Another sold-out arena, another million-dollar gate he’ll take credit for. It’s easy really. Smile, wave, play nice and crow the loudest when nobody is quite sure how the business came to this.

TONY FATORA: A man who needs no introduction but contractually must be given the longest of the night. You say it's not fair, and five other contestants are liable to agree. The former Sexual All-American! The man who once brought all of Korea together! A hero in a world where there are none. 6'1, 210, JOEY MELTON!

CUTTO: Melton climbing the ring steps, loving the signs that read, “Where’s Cameron?” He’s in the back watching you irritants. Where Melton left him.

DT: [V/O] Fun fact, Joey Melton won a World Title last millennium.

DM: [V/O] Neely is speechless. Bless you Dave.

DT: Three down, three to go... this match has the makings to be perhaps the greatest World Championship match in the history of Empire Pro Wrestling! Those three men in the center of that ring look primed for competition... I can't began to imagine who's going to win this thing!

MN: Not any of those three, I'll tell you that! As I look around, a couple of those guys shouldn't even BE in this match! These guys are chumps compared to what's coming next!!

DM: This is coming from a guy who has never wrestled a single match in his life...

MN: Hey, hey, hey!! I wrestle a different chick every night! I'm a world champ in my own right, baby!

[Suddenly, the VIDEO-tron lit up, as the "Blue-Eyed Badass' Sean Stevens' dressing room door swung open and he sauntered out, bottled 'Evian' in hand. His hair hung down his back, and was soaked from the showers, as he was dressed in his 'go time' gear, consisting of black tights with his trademark neon blue 'X' all over them, and a black, "Planet Earth's Champion" wife-beater.

On his way to the gorilla position, he stopped in front of an <b>'EPW Presents: UNLEASHED'</b> backdrop, as EPW backstage interviewer, Kenny Lombardo stood in front of it with a mic.]

LOMBARDO: All the hype ... all week there has been talk about what's going to transpire in that ring tonight. Well, Sean ... tonight is THAT night. Tell us again, what do you expect to see happen.

[Stevens unscrewed the cap off of his bottle and took a sip.]

STEVENS: You're gonna see a LEGEND, a GREAT champion and AMBASSADOR for this company and business take center stage ... and, oh yeah ... Joey Melton and Lindsay Troy'll be there as well. Kenny, what you'll see tonight won't be able to be explained in one viewing. Ladies and Gentlemen, get your VCRs, your TiVO, and recording devices ready because you're gonna need to witness this event more than once.

[Stevens snatched the mic out of Lombardo's hand.]

STEVENS: When I came to Empire Pro ... my goal was to win the World Heavyweight Championship. The fact that I'm about to accomplish that goal so soon isn't surprising because if you've seen me perform, you know that ANYTHING is possible on any given night. I turn witnesses into BELIEVERS, and tonight, Lindsay Troy, Joey Melton, Dragon Boy, Muffin Man, and Beast .. you, too get to become a believer. Because I GUARANTEE you, when it's all said and done, *I* will be the last man standing in that ring. Hit my music, it's GO TIME!

[The VIDEO-tron faded out, as "I'm a KING" by TI began to blare over the PA system.]

DT: Well, you can't deny Triple X's confidence ... some would even go so far as to say it's ARROGANCE!

MN: It's not arrogance. When you're great, you're great ... and, THAT man oozes GREATNESS! "TRIPLE X" Sean Stevens may just be my new favorite wrestler.

DM: If you could ever get him to stop talking and wrestle.

[The curtain parted two ways, as Stevens stepped through pausing at the top of the ramp, before thrusting his arms into the air, revelling in his time in the spotlight. Trip walked on both sides of the stage before making his long, dramatic saunter down the aisle into the ring. Once, inside, he took off his t-shirt, tossing it to one of the sexy EPW girls, whispering something that looked like, "After the match, ladies" in their direction, before finding a turnbuckle and climbing it for some more celebration.

The crowd boos were very passionate. But, just like he ignored the three men standing in the ring, you could hardly tell that he noticed.]

MUSIC UP: “Figure You Out” - Nickelback

[Crowd ROARS]

CUTTO: Beast stands on top of the gantry surrounded by EXPLOSIONS. Few, if any in this business cut a more imposing figure. He played the fool a year ago, because it was needed. If he destroyed the five top names in this company in less than an hour, could he still call EPW a home worth owning? It’s a shoe he’s worn like an old drum. What if it still fits? What if? [screams of terror] What if?

TONY FATORA: A former EPW World Champion, a man too noble to be Prime Minister, he's rockin', he's sockin', he's a damn BEAST!

CUTTO: Beast RUNNING to the ring and DIVING through the bottom rope into the ring. The other four combatants scatter as the crowd LOVES it.

MN: [V/O] Is Fatora high? I mean there’s a time when we all stopped asking, but seriously. Is he high?

DT: [V/O] All kidding aside, Beast is the man to beat and we all know it.

MN: [V/O] We’re all men to beat. Nature, luv.

DM: There's only one more person to come out, boys...and you all know who it is.

MN: The Geiko gecko?

DT: [Hits Neely upside the head]


The EmpireTron begins to flicker intently before going completely to black. A loud HUM of audio feedback fills the arena before all the lights go out completely.

DM: What the hell?

MN: That's it, the Apocalypse is upon us. Thomas, hold me!

DT: Do I need to hit you again?

DM: No, but I’m jealous.

A spotlight suddenly shines down into the center of the ring, illuminating a furious Beast, who's breathing heavily in anger. Then, four more spotlights shine down upon Melton, Stevens, Hiroshi and Brown, who all look a bit confused at the display. Beast starts pacing in the ring, the spotlight following his movements, while an all-too familiar phrase slowly fades onto the screen of the Empiretron.

"Do you really have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore....?

....isn't there someway to be both?"

The spotlights on the five challengers immediately disappear and instead are cast down upon the stage with a single yellow spotlight in the center.

MUSIC UP: "Chip Away the Stone" -- AEROSMITH

The crowd erupts at the change of music [let's face it, I think we were all getting tired of the rap number.] Pyro erupts with each drum beat and the LINDSAY TROY appears on the stage as soon as Steven Tyler starts singing.

"You act like a primadonna,
Playin so hard to get.
Sittin so cool and nonchalant,
Draggin on a cigarette..."

Troy stands underneath the yellow spotlight, belt wrapped around her waist, giving each one of her competitors a once-over before focusing on Beast in the center of the ring. He starts yelling at her to get down there, immediately...right this very second, but still she stands, giving him that infuriating smirk while the crowd explodes throughout the arena.

"You keep a wall all around you,
And I'll get through someday.
I want your love babe, but push come to shove,
Gonna chip that stone away..."

While Beast gives Troy all of his attention, he doesn't notice Melton sneak into the ring behind him and clobber him between the shoulderblades with a STIFF forearm. Troy immediately runs down to the ring, unstrapping the belt from around her waist in mid-stride and jumps onto the apron. With a springboard into the ring, she takes both Beast and Melton down with a DROPKICK.

TONY FATORA: Standing 6’3, and weighing in at 170 lbs, from Tampa, Florida. She’s YOUR WORLD CHAMPION!

[CUTTO: Kin Hiroshi throwing Fatora over the top rope!]

DT: [MARK!] We’ve lost Fatora and the Main Event has officially begun!



DT: The World champion hit the ring with business on her mind! Lindsay springs to the middle rope…Troy off the turnbuckle with a double clothesline on Melton and Beast, but both men catch her! [CUTTO: Melton and Beast sharing a look] DOUBLE HOT SHOT OVER THE TOP ROPE! Rivals working together in the early seconds!

MN: Cats and dogs getting along, black turning into white…

DT: It’s Karl Brown with a clubbing right forearm to the back of Melton’s neck! Karl scoops up Joey, as Beast pounds away on Lindsay Troy, HIROSHI WITH A DROPKICK! [CUTTO: Brown slamming Melton down, falling on top of him for the pin!] Senior Referee Pat Jones in position, ONE, TWO….[CUTTO: Lindsay Troy who was hammered outside by Beast, reaching under the bottom rope and pulling Melton from the ring.]

DM: Save by the man of the family!

MN: You mean, on the man of the family.

DM: I got it right.

DT: Troy and Melton exchanging words, you had to figure going in they’d work together, oh! OVER THE TOP ROPE COMES HIROSHI! Double flying body press! The fans in the front row had to run for cover!

MN: Please if Lindsay Troy would’ve bounced off the mat, over the railing, and into their laps…it’s the most sexual contact any of those kids have had in ages.

DT: All three combatants to their feet, Brown unleashing a right hand over Joey’s right eye! [CUTTO: Hiroshi Irish Whipping BEAST up and OVER the top rope.] [MARK!] BEAST sails over the top quadruple body press! Beast up and roaring! Hiroshi last in line…OVER THE TOP ROPE, BULLDOG!! Hiroshi just bulldogged Beast over the top of the security railing!


DT: Sean Stevens watching it all with a bemused look. He threatens a run to the ropes but backs off! He’s letting the rest of the group take the early shots. And why not.

DM: I go back to the Champ saving Melton. One eliminated makes her job easier. She can jerk him later.

DT: Troy sending Karl Brown hard into the railing as Jones counts, but he might as well count to one hundred! One eliminated, but if Melton goes out first, nobody to work with. Troy’s job is to survive. Smart play by the World Champion!

DM: If, Melton works with her. He wants this just as bad as anyone!


DT: Hiroshi whips Beast into the ring steps! The former EPW Champion grabbing at his heck, boys he may already be hurt. Melton in the ring, imploring Jones to count! [CUTTO: Troy delivering a martial arts style kick to the back of the Muffin Man’s neck.] Pat Jones reminding Melton the belt doesn’t switch hands on a count out.

MN: Senior moment.

DT: Now, it’s Stevens getting in the action! A clothesline over the back of Melton’s neck! Joey forgot he was there!

MN: That’s okay, the wrestling world pretty much forgot about him over the last two years as well.

DT: Karl Brown on the apron trying to get back in the ring, but it’s LINDSAY TROY with a SHOT to Brown’s groin! Karl hung over the middle rope like a sack of, well…

DM: Careful.

DT: Stevens POWERSLAMS Melton as he comes off the ropes! A quick pin! ONE…TWO….NO! [MARK!] Joey up! [CUTTO: Hiroshi Irish Whipping Beast into the railing, but Beast reverses!] [SFX: BAM!] Hiroshi hit back first, hard, against the barrier that keeps the mob from Mike Neely!

MN: Segregation is a great thing, if uses correctly.

DT: BEAST FLYING CLOTHESLINE!! [CUTTO: Beast and Hiroshi going INTO the crowd.] In ring, Stevens drops an elbow over Melton’s mush! Joey flopping around in pain. I think that bastard chipped a tooth!

[CUTTO: Lindsay Troy positioned behind Karl Brown on the apron.]

MN: That’s okay. Some of our greatest leaders have had fake teeth. George Washington anyone? But, yeah, let’s hope Melton keeps his own.

DT: TROY [MARK] OFF THE ARPON, ONE HAND GERMAN SUPLEX! My word! Brown splattered over the mat! And the World Champion hands on to the ring ropes with a free hand! [Crowd starts clapping!] What a move!

DM: Here comes Trip!

DT: Stevens running at Troy, jumps over the top rope, has Troy…DDT FROM THE APRON! All in one motion! [CUTTO: Troy on the mat, grabbing at her head and neck.] That was sick!

MN: How bout Brown rolling out of the way. I like to give credit to men who can avoid potential disaster.

DT: Beast and Hiroshi trading blows! Kin giving up a considerable height and weight advantage, getting the worst of it! Beast, hooks the leg! VERTICAL SUPLEX!! [CUTTO: Beast suplexing Hiroshi back over the railing!] Trip up first, clutching his left hip…that move may have hurt him worse than Troy, MELTON with a kick to the back of the mat while standing on the apron! Joey off the apron, DOUBLE AXE HANDLE! Brown up and charging at Joey, but Melton with a thumb to the eye. Joey, aligns The Dragon against the apron, KNIFE EDGE CHOP! KNIFE EDGE CHOP AGAIN! Brown with a left forearm uppercut that shakes Melton’s base!

[CUTTO: Beast throwing Hiroshi into the group of bodies.]

DT: Karl wisely, rolling Joey back in the ring, and follows! No! Lindsay Troy grabs his left foot and pulls him back! Troy with a right! Blocked! BROWN STANDING DROPKICK! And Troy [SFX: THEE-WACK] helplessly as she lands HARD against the railing!

[CUTTO: Triple X stepping on and over Kin Hiroshi.]

MN: I don’t understand why he didn’t step over. People have been doing it for years.

[CUTTO: Beast around the corner, setting up a table.]

DT: Triple X again, stepping over the throat of Kin Hiroshi! Come on!

TRIPLE X: [to Camera] What? [BOOOO] I didn’t see him!

DT: Stevens taking interest in a beaten Lindsay Troy! Her arms outstretched over the railing! [CUTTO: Melton reaching over the ropes, grabbing Karl Brown’s head and pulling him into the ring.] Stevens walking slowly to Lindsay. This can’t be good!

DM: She’s helplessly right now, Dave. I don’t think Troy knows where she is.

MN: Usually it’s the other way around. Melton oblivious and Troy feeding him lines.

[CUTTO: Trip grabbing the back of Troy’s hair and bending her over the railing, as he kisses her. You know, one of those long, deep, passionate, guess what I had for breakfast kisses.]

DT: That’s disgusting! Stevens essentially sexually assaulting our World Champion.

MN: Disgusting. That’s how a man should treat a woman. You wait, in five minutes he’s probably going to [Censor] her.

DM: Oh geez..

TRIPLE X: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


DT: Stevens SCREAMING in pain, as Troy backs him up…SHE’S BITING HIS TONGUE!


DT: Troy with a uppercut to the family jewels! [MARK!] HIROSHI WITH A RUNNING KNEE LIFT! And Stevens is knocked into next Tuesday! [Crowd stands and cheers! Those who weren’t already standing!] The Muffin Man and the Queen Of The Ring smile, and share a high-five!

MN: Lovely.

DT: Hiroshi turns and clothesline, NO! Troy was ready for him, ATOMIC DROP! [CUTTO: Hiroshi cracked, and then springing into the iron post!] BRAINBUSTER in ring! Melton drops Brown! He may eliminate Karl Brown! Pat Jones counts! ONE…TWO…. [CUTTO: BEAST off the top rope with an Alabama Jam!] Count effectively broken!

MN: I can’t keep up with all the action, Dave. I’m going to turn the left side of my head set into the Spanish broadcast.

DT: Stop. Trip with a kick to the back of Lindsay Troy! [BOOOO] Snap suplex! Sean, standing over Troy and just SLAPPING her face! Come on! Stevens isn’t even focused on wrestling, he’s trying to degrade our World Champion!

MN: He wants to know where his baby, baby, baby, baby back ribs are.

DM: Back to the kitchen, huh Mike?

MN: Hey, it’s not me. It’s Stevens, but yes, that’s my sense of things.

DT: Beast Irish whips Melton, BACK BODY DROP OVER THE TOP ROPE!! [SFX: CRASH!] AND THROUGH THE TABLE! [MARK!] Mercy me. Joey Melton just went through a table! KARL BROWN PUSHES BEAST INTO THE ROPES….rollup….ONE….TWO….THREEE!!


MN: YES!!!

DT: Will you shut up!

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, “The Dragon” Karl Brown has eliminated BEAST!! [MARK!]

DT: Triple X, positioning Troy’s face and neck under the security railing! If he does what I think he’s going to do…..[CUTTO: Stevens grabbing Troy’s legs, setting up to catapult her into the railing.]

DM: This could bust Troy’s windpipe at the least…

MN: I know!

DT: SEAN NO! [CUTTO: Stevens falling down, catapulting Troy up, but Lindsay pushes the railing out of the way as she flies up, safely, and SPRINGS on top of the apron! [MARK!] TROY! WHAT A MOVE! Lindsay spinning leg drop off the apron! Oh man! HIROSHI WITH A CHAIR! [SFX: THUD!]

MN: Good serve out wide by Hiroshi!

DT: This is not a Tennis match! Swinging a chair shouldn’t even be a legal move! [MN: Like all 6 guys in the ring at once IS?] Troy, Dean…she’s split wide-open. Hiroshi and Stevens have drawn blood from the Queen.

[CUTTO: Melton stirring in a broken mess that WAS the table. He looks at his left hand and wiggles his fingers. All five are there. Check.]

DM: Kin scoops and body slams the Queen right on that chair! Troy’s never been afraid to bleed for a win, Dave. And that’s a great thing, because it’s four against one, and when you’re the one who came into this match with an accessory, you’re the most likely to leave naked.

MN: YES! She’s an ignorant slut, but two hours working with the two of you and I need a shot of fleshy areolas.

DT: Hiroshi rolls the Queen in the ring, and follows right behind! But it’s Brown with a cover! ONE, TWO….Troy with a foot on the bottom rope as Hiroshi finally gets in the ring! Karl nearly stealing an elimination from the Muffin Man! And Kin’s not amused! Kick to the back of Brown’s neck! Hiroshi pulls Karl to his feet, Irish Whip into the ropes..Brown leap frogs Hiroshi off the ropes, NO! Stevens pulled the top rope down and Brown takes a nasty spill! [MARK!] Trip made a desperate lunge, just in time!

MN: You promised me nudity Matthews. If it’s yours by night’s end, so be it.

DT: Hiroshi backs Troy into a corner! He’s on the middle rope and peppering Troy’s forehead with sharp left hands! [Crowd counts] One, two, three, four, five! TROY HOOKS THE LEGS! And carries Hiroshi to the center of the ring, Atomic Drop! Troy roundhouse kick! Hiroshi dropped hard! Troy sprints to the ropes, MOONSAULT OFF THE ROPES! But Hiroshi got his feet up! [CUTTO: Troy gasping for air and rolling next to Kin.] Here comes Triple X! He jumps on the middle ropes, DOUBLE LEGDROP! [Fans applaud]

MN: This is what I like to see from a good heel. He’s opened up a woman, now he just has to make her submit!

DM: Troy pulled the shocker of the year to get the World title….she’s going to have to have another miracle up her sleeve to hold on to it. At any give time the four of them can gang up and take her out.

[CUTTO: Brown whipping Melton into the security railing. He throws a chair at Joey, which Melton catches. Brown with two big steps goes to leap off the floor for a dropkick, but Melton steps in and WHACKS him with a chair shot.]

DT: Trip stands Troy up, AD. STRETCH! He’s got the arm hooked, and he’s pulling back on Troy’s hair! Which is beginning to become blood soaked! Hiroshi up, trying to decide if he shot take a shot at Trip or not!

DM: If these idiots were smart, they’d get the World Champion out of the way. For a year now they’ve had to deal with the agony and embarrassment that comes with a Woman holding a MAN’S BELT. Make that change right now.

MN: I’ve never loved you more than I do right now.

DT: Hiroshi may be on the same wavelength Dean. He’s motioning to Trip and headed up top! Stevens, standing leg scissors as Hiroshi stands on the top turnbuckle! Trip’s got Troy up, SPIKED PILEDRIVER! [CUTTO: Troy’s neck spiking into the mat! Immediately she grabs her neck and SCREAMS.]


DM: Rock, paper, scissors to see who pins her.

DT: Stop! Trip does cover! Hiroshi walks off to find presumably find Karl Brown! Pat Jones in position, ONE….TWO….[CUTTO: Melton diving in with an elbow to make the save.] [MARK!] Melton with a stick save, and a beaut! You wondered if he’d work as a team with Troy, and the answer is a resounding YES! Joey to his feet, but its Stevens with a right hand! Another! An-blocked! Melton with a right jab! A forearm uppercut! Melton spreads Trip over the ropes, KNIFE EDGE CHOP! Joey backing Stevens into a corner, knee to the stomach! IRISH WHIP INTO THE CORNER AND STEVENS FLIPS OVER THE TURNBUCKLE! [CUTTO: Stevens hung on the ring wire between the Iron post and the turnbuckle, reaching a higher tune than he did this morning.]

MN: I think Karl Brown’s lost a tooth and Triple X just lost his right nut!

DM: One of the two just hit me in the eye.

DT: Geez… [CUTTO: Hiroshi pounding on Brown outside the ring!] Melton slowly walking over to a fallen Lindsay Troy! Guys, that neck is broken, there’s no two ways about it. We need medical down here, right now!

MN: I didn’t want her to walk out as champion, just not like this…

DT: Joey reaching down to tend to Troy, the concern evident on his face, WHAT! INSIDE CRADLE BY TROY! Jones…ONE……….TWO…TH-NO!! [MARK!] Melton rolled outside of the ring JUST in the nick of time! Troy just took a shot at eliminating her lover!

MN: Don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die! Whoever said that had a point!

DM: I think Melton is pissed, and why shouldn’t he be… [CUTTO: Joey reaching under the bottom rope and dragging Lindsay outside.]

DT: Oh, it’s a game, business only when Joey tries to wrestle Troy….is that it? Melton KNIFE EDGE CHOP and Troy falls back into the ring apron. You could hear that one in the nose bleed section! ANOTHER CHOP!

MN: Just imagine the two of them going at it like this in Troy’s dungeon. Actually, I think I’m going to turn off my mic, crawl under the table, and imagine just that.

DT: Eck. Melton scoops up Troy….but he can’t find anywhere to dump her!

MN: Buyer’s remorse! She just suckered you into a near fall Melton, don’t be a pansy!

DT: BACK BREAKER! Melton dumped Troy right over his right leg!

MN: She’s been a very bad girl! Yeah, for real, I’m gone.

[CUTTO: Hiroshi back in the ring, climbing the ropes behind Trip.]

DM: The fans urging Melton to go at it with Troy, and whatever reservations he’s having, they’re over. FIGURE FOUR! Melton with his finishing move on Troy, outside the ring!

DT: He’ll be sleeping on the couch for weeks I’m sure! Hiroshi has Triple X up, standing on the top turnbuckle! They both are! [CUTTO: Brown climbing the opposite turnbuckle] Kin, arms hooked around Steven’s waist, GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE TOP! WITH A ROLL OVER BRIDGE!! [MARK!!] Jones to count, Stevens is gone for sure! ONE….TWO!! [CUTTO: Karl Brown jumping off the top rope.] LEG DROP BY BROWN ON HIROSHI! [MARK!]

MN: These people are idiots. Let someone get eliminated! Lessen the field. He’s not Canadian is he?

DM: No, that one already left.

DT: Brown off the ropes, cartwheel between the two bodies [MARK!] OFF THE MIDDLE ROPE, SPINNING FROG SPLASH ON STEVENS! These fans also screaming because Troy just reversed the Figure four! OHMY!

[CUTTO: Outside the ring, where Melton YELLS in serious pain as Troy has the Figure Four reversed.]

DT: What a match this has been up to this point! Five people with the opportunity to walk out of here as World Champion! Jones counts to TWO on a cover, but Stevens kicks out! Brown on the mat, hooks the leg, STF! He’s got the STF on Triple X! A finishing move!

MN: Good thinking. He’s a quitter. Kid has been out of the sport for the last year, and he’s quit on every relationship after the cum shot.

DM: You know, that was actually fun.

MN: Thank you.

DT: Pat Jones asking Stevens if he wants to quit….Hiroshi wisely letting the submission take place, no…no he’s not! CAMEL CLUTCH by Hiroshi ON THE DRAGON! DOUBLE SUBMISSION MOVE! [MARK!]

MN: Dog pile, reminds me of your wife’s sixteenth birthday party Matthews.

DM: I thought I picked her up from school that day…

[SPLIT-SCREEN SHOT: Troy with the reversed figure four on Melton, and Stevens and Brown bellowing in pain, and denial.]

DT: Actually, TRIPLE SUBMISSION MOVE! Though if Melton gave up, it’d make about as noise as a tree falling in the forest! He can’t do it from there! Will either Brown or Stevens give it up? Will then let a chance at winning the WORLD’S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP pass them by?

MN: Exactly. They’re not like Doritos. If you crunch, Ryan and Freeman may not make more.

DT: Steven’s has his hand out! HE’S GOING TO GIVE IT UP! NO! HE PULLS IT BACK IN! BROWN HAS TO BREAK THE STF! Trip crawls out from the scene! HIROSHI SITS DOWN ON THE CAMEL CLUTCH! Jones right in The Dragon’s face, asking! You the know the answer, but how long can he hold out! SUPERKICK BY TRIPLE X TO HIROSHI’S FACE! [SFX: THUD!] Brown lives on!

DM: It’s so competitive in there Dave that NOBODY wants to give up a pin! It’s almost a badge of honor to be the one that eliminates someone!

MN: Yeah, we have some real thinkers in there obviously.

DT: If that’s the case, Brown has one merit badge for eliminating Beast! Stevens has Karl to the ropes on and his feet! IRISH WHIP! Brown off the ropes, Trip with a clothesline that misses! The Dragon ducked, off the ropes again OHHHHH MERCY! [CUTTO: Triple X dropping Brown with a superkick to the side of the neck.] The air just went out of the building, that’s how brutal that kick was….Stevens covers, and Hiroshi’s letting it happen…ONE…..TWO…..THREE!!! [MARK!]

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, Karl Brown has been Eliminated by “Triple X” Sean Stevens!! [Boooo]

DT: Trip kicks Brown out of the way and goes toe-to-toe with Hiroshi in the corner! Four combatants left! Hiroshi with a groin shot! DDT on Stevens!! [CUTTO: Lindsay Troy with Melton in a standing leg scissors.] The lover’s quarrel continues…

MN: And we’re all the richer for it…

DT: Troy pulls Joey up….RAZOR’S EDGE! [MARK!] Melton’s body bounced off the mat! HERE COMES HIROSHI! [CUTTO: Kin scaling the top rope and executing a Hurricanrana!] BABY WHAT A MOVE! Kin not letting Troy get hear bearings for a second! The United Center ERUPTED with that one!

MN: Chicago doesn’t want Troy to win either! Good people!

DT: They’re a fan of good wrestling, that’s all it means! . Hiroshi rolls Troy back in the ring! He wants to take out Troy!

MN: Who doesn’t? She’s smart, fit, sassy, and according to Melton a GREAT lay.

DM: Hiroshi with a headlock on Troy…SPRINGBOARD BULLDOG! The man’s been a joke his entire career, well, at least we’ve been laughing at him, but Kin’s about to take out the World Champ!

DT: TRIP catches him as he pins, SCORPION DEATHLOCK! He just stepped in and slapped the hold on! Jones didn’t even bother counting one! Troy, out from under the pin, shaking the willies out of her neck! [CUTTO: Melton climbing back in the ring.] Hiroshi shaking his head violently. He’s not giving up. He’s not letting loose of this golden opportunity to win the biggest title of his career!

MN: I wonder…

DT: Geez.

MN: No listen, he framed the first dollar he made selling Muffins. Can you frame the EPW title?

DT: Troy running to Melton as he gets in the ring, and buries a kick right in his gut! [MARK!] Tough love, I guess. Lindsay with A KNIFE EDGE CHOP! Irish Whip into the ropes, DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! Both ends of the relationship down! [CUTTO: Trip sitting down on the Scorpion, but his eyes lighting up as he sees Troy and Melton on the mat.] STEVENS BREAKS THE HOLD!

DM: Idiot. I thought Hiroshi was close to giving it up!

[CUTTO: Stevens running to the top turnbuckle.]

MN: Were the tears a dead give away?

DT: Trip on the top as the United Center can feel it…..DOUBLE FROGSPLASH! Mercy me! Triple X just dropped the bomb on Melton AND Troy! [MARK!] Pat Jones dives in to make the cover…DOUBLE ELMINATION! ONE….TWO……[CUTTO: Hiroshi diving in an elbow drop to break the pin!] NO!!

MN: Look, we’re all having fun but we have to go home some time tonight!

DM: Why would Hiroshi save Team Troy from being eliminated? Is he afraid of Trip one-on-one?

DT: Hiroshi turns Trip over….he’s on top of Melton and Troy..Hiroshi running to the ropes, JUMPS ON THE MIDDLE ROPE AND SPRINGBOARDS OFF A SENTON BOMB! [MARK!] Kin makes the pin…TRIPLE PIN TO WIN THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE! The cover…

MN: First, 6-6-06 now Kin Hiroshi representing our company. Wow. Just wow.

DT: ONE………………TWO……………………..TH-NO!!!! [MARK!] I don’t know who kicked out. Maybe they all did! [Fans start clapping.] Hiroshi so close to being our champion! He’s got Troy on her feet…and backed into the ropes, hard right hand! She’s really been opened up in his match! Irish whip into the ropes, but Lindsay puts on the breaks and holds on! Hiroshi charges! [CUTTO: Troy takes a quick step towards Kin and LEAPING in the air, executing a Hurricanrana that takes Hiroshi OUT of the ring.] Troy with the move of the night! These fans love it!

DM: She’s giving up pounds in this match, in most matches, but Lindsay Troy has got to be one of the top five aerial tacticians in our sport today.

MN: I’m more of an ass man myself.

DT: Melton and Stevens stagger to the feet, Joey with a uppercut that spins Trip around! Troy sees the opening! She’s loading up that right leg! SUPER-OHHHHHHHH! [SFX: OOPS!] Stevens ducked out of the way…Troy SUPERKICKED Melton! [CUTTO: Joey on the mat, out cold, his nose bleeding profusely.]

MN: Accident, my ass! That’s twice!

[CUTTO: Troy hands over her head in disbelief, dropping to her knees. It’s business, but not like that. She didn’t want it like that.]

DT: Look at Stevens! The grin on his face! He scurries to make the cover….ONE….TWO……..THREE!!!!! [MARK!] Joey Melton is gone! Put out by…I can’t even say it…

DM: The ***** that tamed him.

MN: I’d crawl on glass and bark like a dog for that. Just FYI.

DT: Lindsay Troy. She’s beside herself!

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, Joey Melton has been eliminated from this match by SEAN STEVENS! [Boooo!]

DT: Hiroshi climbing back in the ring! Trip and Troy staring at one another! Frankly, she’s outnumbered, but has been her entire career! [CUTTO: Melton coming to outside the ring, a staffer handing him a towel that he uses to stop the bleeding.]

DM: The question is, will Kin and Sean play ball? Will they work together?

MN: Or do they consider Troy the easier elimination?

DT: She’s the World Champion. We’re down to three, and all of them in opposite corners! [CUTTO: Troy in her corner, looking out of the ring at a beaten Melton who’s helped by her and up the aisle. She apologetically gestures, but Melton has a freak spasm in his middle finger.]

MN: I sense Masturbation Month in the Melton household! For the next four weeks THAT should be a reality show.

DM: Heh.

DT: Lindsay has bigger obstacles in her way right now. She’s survived half the field. It’s down to two more that she has to beat BOTH HIROSHI AND STEVENS CHARGE! Troy rolls out of the way between them! TROY LEAPS, DOUBLE MONKEY FLIP! The World Champion quickly to the middle turnbuckle! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! [MARK!] This place is going nuts! Troy to the opposite turnbuckle!

DM: CROSSBODY! But she’s caught! Ha!

MN: They’re going to double team the [censor]! We’ve gone Gonzo on PPV!

DT: DOUBLE BACKBREAKER! And they pick Troy back up! DOUBLE FALLAWAY SLAM! [MARK!] [CUTTO: Hiroshi and Stevens doing the Fresh Prince and Jazzy J handshake.] Hiroshi directing traffic….I know what’s coming.

DM: What do you mean you’ve seen this?

MN: It’s a rerun.

DM: What’s a rerun?

DT: Shut up! Standing leg scissors by Trip! Hiroshi to the top rope! Somehow they managed NOT to break Troy’s neck the first time. There’s no way they won’t here! TROY UP! How is this fair?

MN: It’s not. And?

DT: TROY KICKS OUT! SHE’S DOWN! Trip got careless and Lindsay seized the moment! BACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK BODY DROP! [CUTTO: Trip going head over heels, his legs kicking the turnbuckle causing Kin to fall and rack himself over the turnbuckle] [MARK!] Lindsay bought herself more time there! She springs to the middle rope, then climbs to the top turnbuckle where Hiroshi sits!

DM: I think she’s got him!

DT: SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP! [MARK!] [CUTTO: Trip groggily getting to his feet.] SUPERPLEX! TROY TWO BIG STEPS….SLACK KNIFE! SLACK KNIFE! SLACK KNIFE! [MARK!! MARK!] She just dropped Triple X with Troy Windam’s move!

MN: Still selling him even after he’s gone! That’s selling power!

DT: Jones counts the pin…[MARK!] ONE…………TWO……….

DM: Hiroshi nowhere in sight!

DT: THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [MARK!] Lindsay Troy has just eliminated Sean Stevens! [MARK!]

[CUTTO: Troy kicking Trip out of the ring, and falling against the ropes, gassed, bloodied and with the guilt of Melton’s elimination covering her!]

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, “Triple X” Sean Stevens has been eliminated by LINDSAY TROY! [MARK!]

MN: They were supposed to double team her more! Do I have to coach these idiots to greatness?

DT: Look at Troy, she’s spent! Hiroshi as well! [CUTTO: Kin in the opposite corner, doubled over.] They’ve risked it all for the right to walk out of the United Center as WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION and both still have that chance! Both players gingerly walking towards each other… listen to this place!


DM: This the moment Kin Hiroshi has spent his whole life dreaming of. Well, professionally life anyway, I’ve seen detailed storyboard of his personal dreams and they’re disturbing at best.

MN: Did you see the one with the turtle and hair pin?

DT: After more than twenty-five minutes, Hiroshi and Troy lock up in the center of the ring! Collar-and-elbow tie-up! It’s Hiroshi with control! Troy pushes him across the ring into the ropes, and fires him off….Kin off the ropes, DROPKICK THAT MISSES BY TROY! LEAPING ELBOW DROP BY KIN! NOBODY HOME! [MARK!] [CUTTO: Both players leaping right up to their feet in one move.] [MARK!]

MN: I’m still waiting on Joey Melton to walk back in and be a MAN.

[CUTTO: Tie-up!]

DM: We’re waiting on you to move out of your mother’s house and become a man.

DT: Hiroshi again with control! He screws the lock in tighter! Pin fall or submission. It’ll take either to go home with the Gold. BACK DROP BY TROY! But, Hiroshi hangs on! [CUTTO: Kin’s face. A small cut above his left eye. Sweat POURING off his face. Determination wearing him like a mask.] Troy to her knees…then feet! BACK DROP AGAIN! AND AGAIN KIN HANGS ON!

MN: There’s nowhere to run for Lindsay Troy! No mask to suddenly pull off! I know there’s a lot of men back there that wouldn’t mind, or haven’t minded laying down for her…but Kin Hiroshi…you know, if it takes the “Muffin Man” to restore order, so be it.

DT: Troy again up…BACK-NO! Kin with a short right hand! Kin with ANOTHER! Hiroshi quick standing leg scissors, powers Troy up, LINDSAY SLIPS OUT! INSIDE CRADLE! ONE….TWO….NO! [MARK!] A second away from retaining her title! Hiroshi up and backs Troy into the ropes, FIRES her across the ring, LEAPFROG! Off the ropes, LEAPFROG! OFF THE ROPES…CROSS BODY BY TROY!

DM: Kin out before a pin attempt!

DT: Troy kick to Kin’s gut! SWINGING NECKBREAKER! [MARK!] She considers pinning but goes to the top rope again! [MARK!] It’s hit or miss here! Troy perched, ready….can Kin counter? LINDSAY….OHHHH…SOMERSAULT CORKSCREW LEG DROP! [MARK!] THE COVER! ONE….TWO….THRE-NO!!! NO! Hiroshi BARELY gets up! [MARK!]

MN: That a boy Kin! Like a man! Fight it!

DM: Everyone thought it was over Dave, I did as well. Hiroshi fighting for the moment. His moment.

[CUTTO: Troy calling for and receiving a chair.]

DT: Lindsay staggering around the ring, unsure what to do next….she leaps on the middle rope, Armenian leg drop with the chair, no! Hiroshi moves! He was at Troy’s mercy! The Champ taking a little bit more time than necessary, but who can blame her? She’s battled five men in a half-hour! Both players up….KIN ONE-ARM LEAPING TORNADO DDT! [MARK!]

MN: That’s it! YES!!!

DT: Kin covers, Pat Jones counts……..ONE…[crowd counts too] TWO….TH-NO! Lindsay foot on the bottom rope! [Crowd laughs and high-fives each other.] Hiroshi on his feet, Troy as well….into the corner. Kin, with a left hand! IRISH WHIP OUT OF THE CORNER! And Lindsay hits HARD against the turnbuckle! HIROSHI CHARGING, CROSSBODY INTO THE CORNER! [MARK!] Kin went up and over the ropes, nearly falling out of the ring! But he held on! And now, as Troy is down Kin climbs to the top! [MARK!]

DM: This is the moment! Right here! Whatever Hiroshi has in the bag, he needs to bring it out!

MN: Release us from this cloud that’s hovered over EPW for the last year Hiroshi!

DT: KIN….OFF THE TOP… [MARK!] ASAI MOONSAULT! [CUTTO: Troy moving, AND Kin seeing it in time to land on his FEET!] [MARK!]


DT: Troy on her feet…she doesn’t know….her back’s turned…Hiroshi ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE BACK OF THE NECK! [CUTTO: Troy grabs her neck again and doubles over, but remains on her feet.] I don’t he got all of it!

MN: But it was enough baby!

[CUTTO: Lindsay staggering back slowly into Kin.]

DT: Kin has Troy, spins her around…CANADIAN DESTROYER? [CUTTO: Kin trying to sunset flip Troy, but Lindsay blocks and doesn’t let Kin go over. When Hiroshi lands back on his feet, Troy lands..] A DESERPATION SLACK KNIFE! [MARK! MARK!] LINDSAY FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! She falls on him! ONE…………TWO………THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

MN: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!


DT: Lindsay’s done it! She’s done it again!

DM: With a brilliant counter move!

DT: Hiroshi had no idea it was coming! [DM: Neither did Troy…]


MN: Oh it figures.


DT: What’s this?? Sean Stevens is back!!! He’s in the ring and he WAFFLES THE HELL OUT OF LINDSAY TROY WITH A CHAIR!! The champ is down!

MN: That’s what I’m talkin’ about!!

DM: Where’s Melton?? There he is!!

DT: Melton in to help…Stevens ducks a right hand and knocks the holy hell out of Joey Melton as well!!! Melton out on the outside and Sean Stevens is laughing his head off looking down at Lindsay Troy!!!

DM: What’s that he just said to her?

DT: I’m getting word he said ‘I told you I’d be the last man standing’. Well, he didn’t get the World Title but he did fulfill his promise. How digusting.

MN: Serves her right.

[Stevens now headed back up the ramp and through the curtain as the crowd starts to chant ‘LIND SAY LIND SAY LIND SAY’. Troy manages to start pulling herself to her feet to a deafening roar.]

MN: I wish all these people would just shut up and stop chanting this girl's name! It's only going to make her big head grow even more!

DT: The crowd on their feet, Lindsay Troy grabs the ropes... SLINGSHOT FLIP TO THE FLOOR AND ON HER FEET! IS THERE ANYTHING SHE CAN'T DO?

DM: I've seen a lot of athletes in my day, but I don't think I can remember any athlete as good as Lindsay Troy!! And after the beating she just took!!

[The crowd starts chanting more... LIND SAY LIND SAY repeatedly. Lindsay slowly pulls herself up on the railing. Then a weird staticy noise erupts in the arena, followed by the unmistakable voice of...]

DT: Who... who is singing?


DM: Uhm... uh...

DT: I will not be touching that one... but look at the stands! Their appear to be some sort of... mimes running around?

[Various female mimes -- dressed exactly as Lindsay Troy, except their faces painted in white. Each mime is holding a dayglo green glow stick, doing various lyrical interpretative dances, many holding ribbons. Gold glitter drops from the cieling as a spotlight goes crazy.]

DT: There appears to be some sort of logistical mix-up. I'm not sure if the Cirque De Soleil is performing here tomorrow night, but this isn't certainly part of our show.

DM: While I certainly never had to deal with this in my career, staying focused is the name of the game. That's what makes champions.

MN: But it's pretty hard to stay focused when female mimes are juggling knives.

DT: Now what's this... there's someone on the roof! It's another mime! This one is masked and... this mime WEARING A TUXEDO is riding a ZIP CHORD DOWN FROM THE CEILING! RIGHT TOWARDS LINDSAY TROY!

DM: I thought these head games were finally coming to an end!

DT: Lindsay Troy is staring up at this... this mime coming down from the cieling, gesturing to this figure! OH NO! SOMEONE JUST GRABBED HER FROM BEHIND! ANOTHER MIME IS ATTACKING LINDSAY TROY!

MN: This is the strangest thing I have ever seen!


DM: I just wish we could see a wrestling match now and then...


[The camera cuts to the back arena. The mime on the zip chord goes to a netted off area that reads MIMES ONLY. He unzips the net and runs in. The smaller mime runs in next, and then the big mime drops Lindsay Troy hard onto the concrete. She is coughing, barely conscious. The camera pans and reveals a homemade altar! The smaller mime is on top of the altar, and is tapping on a microphone.]

DT: And just when you thought it couldn't get more bizarre...

MIME #1: Religion, ladies and gentlemen, is the opiate of the masses! And since you all look like a bunch of HOMELESS STREET JUNKIES... you are going to see the religious ceremony of your lifetime!


[The big mime has Lindsay Troy in a full-nelson, propping her up as she is still semi-conscious.]

MIME #1: Do you... Lindsay Troy... the UNPURE WHORE that you are... take your partner, the greatest icon in this sports history, in holy matrimony?


[The big mime shakes her head up and down yes.]

MIME #1: And do you... the man who is the most profitable wrestler in the history of EVER... take this unchaste disease nest to be your lawfully wedded wife?

MIME #2: I do!




[Troy rips off his mime get up and grabs Lindsay Troy by the chin. Troy then lays one on her -- a deep, forceful french kiss. Lindsay, held by the man who is now obviously THE MYSTERIOUS ZOLTAN, wakes up and spits right in Troy's face! Troy laughs and slaps her across the face.]

TROY: I always knew I'd have a wife who would like it rough! Well, Lindsay Troy Windham... I'm going to give it to you just how you like it!

[Zoltan picks Lindsay up in a full-nelson position and drops her right on her back. The Rev. August De La Rossi stands on the altar, poses like Jesus on the cross, and then does a SHOOTING STAR PRESS off of the altar right onto Lindsay.]

TROY: [cackling at the carnage at his feet.] Lindsay, when you discharge yourself from the hospital tomorrow morning, come meet me in my hotel suite... I like my egg whites fluffy, and I like my brides in French maid outfits!

DT V/O: I can’t believe what I just saw!!! Lindsay Troy is now Lindsay….Windham????

DM: We’re outta time, folks….see you on Aggression!! God help us!!

[Fade to copyright info – black.]
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