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Wisconsin Dells Riptide 04


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
SW Chicago
(FADEIN on an overhead pan of Tommy Bartlett’s Water World. The light is beginning to fade, but it’s still more than bright enough to see withoutthe lighting towers. We CUT TO Ross, Wiseman, and Shades at the announcetable)

ROSS: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Riptide, coming to you LIVE from beautiful Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin. If you’re just joining us, earlier tonight we witnessed a brutal attack on Jared Wells backstage. Let’s take a look …”

(CUT TO: Backstage earlier tonight. Lady V. is backstage with “Rage ‘o
Fire” Jared Wells)

LADY V. “Thank you, Tony. I’m standing here with Jared Wells, who …”

(Lady V. is cut off as there’s a commotion off-camera. Wells turns
towards the commotion, right into a blast of pepper spray as Abby the
Nazi enters the shot. Wells screams and drops to the floor, as Abby
maintains the stream of pepper spray. Wells rolls around on the ground, trying to cover up. Security is on the scene in an instant, as one burly and overly-enthusiastic security guard TACKLES Abby. Security drags Abby away kicking and screaming, while Wells rolls around on the floor kicking and screaming. Wells rubs at his eyes, only managing to make it worse. Lady V. stands there, wide-eyed and slack jawed as EMT’s rush to Wells’ aid. We FADE TO the announce team at ringside)

ROSS: “I’ve just been informed that Wells WILL be fit to compete, and
he’s up next!”

WISEMAN: “He may be fit to compete, but is he at 100%?”

ROSS: “Time will tell. Let’s go to Matt Faley for the introductions.”

FALEY: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, with a twenty minute time limit. Introducing first … (CUEUP: “Wax Ecstatic (to Sell Angelina)” – Sponge) … from the … (ahem) wettest of your moist and sticky dreams … and weighing in at TWO hundred TWO pounds, this is M.W. GROOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRD!”

(Faley’s eyes widen as Grossard makes his appearance at the top of the
ramp. The crowd simultaneously cheers, boos, and gasps. Abby the Nazi washauled away earlier, and Bostwick B. Maximized is nowhere in sight.
Grossard himself, however, is clad in a black fishnet t-shirt with the
nipples cut out, chunky platform boots, and a long black skirt slit up
the side. Grossard vogues for the fans before ripping off the skirt.
Underneath he’s wearing a pair of Daisy Duke cutoffs, cut high in the
back to reveal a horrifying amount of buttcheek. He saunters down to thering, bending over to go between the ropes)

SHADES: “DID YOU SEE THAT? I think his package was hanging out of his

WISEMAN: “I must have missed it. Why were you looking so close?”

FALEY: “And his opponent … (CUEUP: "Here to Stay" - Korn) … from Miami,Florida, and weighing in at TWO hundred FIFTY pounds, 'RAGE O' FIRE'JAAAAAAAAAARRRRREEEEED WELLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

(The camera focuses on the ramp as Wells’ music hits. The fans cheer
expectantly, but Wells is nowhere in sight)

FALEY: “And his opponent, JARED WELLS!”

(Again the camera pans to the ramp, but still no Wells)

ROSS: “Folks, I’m not quite sure what’s going on. We’re waiting for wordfrom the back to see if Wells has in fact been cleared to compete.”

(The crowd begins to buzz, and Grossard lights up a cigarette. All eyesare on the ramp, but Wells is still nowhere to be seen)

SHADES: “More than likely he lit out. He knows Grossard has got him
outclassed. He probably just went home.”

WISEMAN: “You call that CLASS?!?”

(Suddenly the crowd lets out a roar as a woman hops the barricade and
slides into the ring behind Grossard)

ROSS: “Folks, it appears that a fan, a woman has come through the crowd,and she’s in the ring! Grossard doesn’t see her, and OH MY! LOW BLOW!That woman just leveled M.W. Grossard with a golata!”

WISEMAN: “I’m not so sure that’s a woman.”

SHADES: “It isn’t! I know a drag queen when I see one! Why just last weekI …”

WISEMAN: “No, no, please finish that sentence.”

SHADES: “Nevermind.”

ROSS: “Folks, that … drag queen … is ASSAULTING M.W. Grossard! She’s … I mean HE’s stomping away at Grossard with those high heels of his, and Grossard’s trying like hell to avoid her … him … IT. The queen is TEARING GROSSARD APART, and here comes the referee to try and stop him. The ref’s got the queen around the waist. She .. HE’s struggling, and there goes the wiggggOH MY GOD! (SFX: Crowd POPS!) That’s Jared Wells! Jared Wells!”

SHADES: “I always knew he was a little funny!”

ROSS: “Wells is ripping off the dress, and look at Grossard! He’s in

WISEMAN: “So am I! That was GREAT!”

ROSS: “Wells is advancing on M.W., and Grossard is backing off! Right
hand by Wells, and an Irish whip sends Grossard into the ropes! Grossard off the other side, and Wells catches him with a high running dropkick! Grossard is down, and Wells is all over him! Legdrop by Wells! And another! And now an elbowdrop, and Grossard is doing his best to roll out of the way!”

WISEMAN: “Look at “Rage ‘o Fire” Jared Wells! He’s all … FIRED up.”

SHADES: “Did you see the way he was dressed? “Rage ‘o Fire” Jared Wells is a … FLAMER!”

WISEMAN: “And what about the way M.W. Grossard is dressed?”

SHADES: “That’s completely different. He’s just expressing his

ROSS: “Grossard is back up with a hard right fist, but Wells blocks! Chop by Wells! And another! And another! Jared Wells, now, with a deep armdrag into an armbar, but a thumb to the already swollen eyes of Jared Wells brings him up short and now Grossard has some room to breathe! Grossard now, with an overhead suplex and an elbowdrop into the cover, ONE, TWO, but Wells gets the shoulder up.”

WISEMAN: “Look at Wells rubbing at his eyes! He’s still not fully
recovered from that pepper spray attack by Abby the Nazi, and that thumb to the eye sure didn’t help.”

SHADES: “Grossard knows how to play off his opponent’s weakness.”

WISEMAN: “Yeah, a weakness he had a hand in creating.”

ROSS: “Wells has rolled over, trying to clear his eyes, and now M.W.
Grossard … Grossard is HUMPING Jared Wells!” (SFX: Crowd makes noise …
LOTS of noise)

WISEMAN: “URGH! That’s just nasty.”

SHADES: “No, it’s STRATEGY! How is Wells gonna recover from a humping,
for God’s sake?”

ROSS: “Jared Wells is kicking and scrambling to escape the quivering
loins of M.W. Grossard, and I sure as hell don’t blame him! Wells
scrambles back to his feet, but Grossard is waiting for him! Boot to the gut by Grossard, and Grossard plants Wells with a gutwrench powerbomb! This could end it right here, but NO! Instead of going for the cover, Grossard is electing to hump Wells some more!”

(CUT TO a closeup of Wells’ face as he screams and scrambles out under
the bottom rope. Wells regroups on the outside as Grossard stands in the center of the ring. Grossard licks his lips lasciviously and thrusts his hips repeatedly at Wells as the arena lets out a collective shudder of revulsion)

WISEMAN: “I think I’m gonna be sick!”

ROSS: “And Jared Wells looks none-too-happy either! Wells scrambles up
onto the apron, and OH! (SFX: Crowd POPS!) Wells just decapitated
Grossard with a springboard flying clothesline! Wells into the cover, but Wells jumps off quickly at ONE! Grossard was writhing and pumping his hips through the cover, and Wells wanted no part of that!”

WISEMAN: “This has got to be one of the most DISGUSTING matches I’ve ever seen! Where are the censors when you need them? You can almost see Grossard’s privates, for crying out loud!”

SHADES: “Hey! I thought you weren’t looking!”

ROSS: “Both men are back on their feet, and now Wells is taking to fight to M.W. Grossard! A series of hard rights by Wells, and an Irish whip slams Grossard into the corner. Wells in quickly with a BIG chop (SFX: WHOOOO!), and now he’s taking Grossard up top! Wells has him hooked on the top turnbuckle, and … (SFX: Crowd POPS!) WELLS WITH A SUPER SIDEWALK SLAM! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before, and here’s the cover! ONE, TWOOO, THREENO! NO! Grossard got the shoulder up, and I don’t think he’s in a humping mood anymore!”


SHADES: “I’ve gotta agree with you there. That was a bit … excessive.”

ROSS: “Grossard and Wells are back on their feet, now, and Grossard
CHARGES Wells! Grossard with a scoop and a slam! Grossard is stomping
away at the head of Jared Wells, and Jared is covering up as best he can. Wells rolls away and gains his feet and here comes Grossard again, but Wells is waiting for him! Right hand by Wells, Wells with a front waistlock, and OHHH! (SFX: Crowd pops!) Wells just dropped Grossard with an inverted Atomic Drop right on Grossard’s … somewhat exposed genitals!”

WISEMAN: “That’s what he gets for not covering the damn things up.”

ROSS: “Wells is on his feet, Grossard is struggling up, and Grossard is seething mad! Grossard charges Wells, but Wells stops him cold with a boot to the gut. Facelock by wells, and a NASTY swinging neckbreaker brings Grossard crashing to the mat, but Wells isn’t through! Wells brings Grossard back to his feet, and a pair of hard lefts has Grossard reeling! Grossard is stunned, and Wells comes off the ropes for a clothesline, but Grossard was faking! Thrust kick by Grossard to the midsection of Wells stops him cold, and now Grossard has the front facelock applieeeeeeedOH MY GOD! ELEVATED DDT BY GROSSARD! GROSSARD NAILED IT! DISSAPEAR HERE! I think Wells is out!”

SHADES (smugly): “Once again you’re showing your ignorance. How you got this job in the first place is beyond me. That was an IMPLANT DDT.”

ROSS and WISEMAN (simultaneously): “IT’S THE SAME THING!”

SHADES: “… oh. It is? Sorry.”

ROSS: “Grossard into the cover, and he’s got the leg hooked. ONE, TWOOOO, THREEEE! Grossard wins! Grossard wins!” (SFX: DING DING DING!)

FALEY: “Here is your winner … (CUEUP: “Wax Ecstatic (to Sell Angelina)” – Sponge) … M.W. GROOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRD!”

(The ref moves to raise Grossard’s hand, but Grossard doesn’t seem to be through pinning Wells as he writhes and slithers around revoltingly on top of Jared Wells)

ROSS: “That’s just disgusting! Grossard is adding insult to injury by
rubbing himself in the most horrifying manner possible on the prone body of Jared Wells!”

WISEMAN: “Wells doesn’t even know it’s happening! On second thought,
though, that’s probably a GOOD thing.”

(Wells’ eyes fly open WIDE as he realizes what’s happening to him. Wells shoves Grossard off and kips up to a HUGE pop from the crowd)

ROSS: “I think Wells just received a big shot of adrenaline when he
realized what was going on, and now Wells is stomping away VICIOUSLY at the unprotected head of M.W. Grossard!” (SFX: Big pop!)

SHADES: “Any longer and he would have gotten a shot of something else, if you know what I mean. You know, a “protein shot”. Like, the hot beef inje…”

ROSS and WISEMAN (simultaneously): “ENOUGH!”

ROSS: “Wells is laying into Grossard, and Grossard is trying to escape up the ramp. Wells is delivering one HELL of a beating, though.

(Grossard and Wells disappear up the ramp, Wells taking every opportunity to kick and pummel Grossard possible)

WISEMAN: “That was just WRONG, and I’m glad it’s finally over.”

ROSS: “Amen to that. Folks, we’ll be right back.”

(CUT TO a commercial for upcoming GLCW venues)

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