And we open on Classy Mike C's face...
I'm not the most popular guy in the world of professional wrestling. I rub people up the wrong way, I've let people down in the past and I've not always been the most reliable. Some people say I'm too "real", that I break kayfabe too much. It's true...maybe I do reach out of the screen every so often, maybe I smash the fourth wall and tell it how it is. But that's just me. That's who I am.
But what does it matter? I'm only the narrator...
And now we zoom out from his stern, battle-worn face. Now we zoom out and see Classy Mike C in all his, erm, "glory". And he's who we are here to seem, the star of our show and EPW's newest superstar. But this isn't Mike C's first time in EPW. Oh no, that was back in 2006...it didn't go too well.
But here I am, whittering on. I only get paid really to say things like "Classy Mike C exits the shop and looks into the camera". For the record, he's not exiting a shop. He's just sitting there. So let's hand over to him.
Mike C: 2006. Six long years ago. Some of the years long and hard, some of the years glorious and celebratory, but at no point during that time did I think that I'd be back here. Empire Pro Wrestling. Now I don't know if any of you really remember me, but Dan Ryan certainly does. I came in here as a fresh faced...well, slightly less battered faced, superstar riding high in EUWC. I was their World Champion, the owner's hand picked lieutenant to clean up the company and take it to the top of the wrestling world, and Dan Ryan liked what he saw. He brought me in to EPW to try and boost ratings, give something different to the paying customers. And for a few weeks it went well, I teamed with Adam Benjamin and we made quite a nice little team...
Then I got bored.
Am I proud of it? No, I was an idiot with an ego contract and a nice, big, juicy EUWC contract to fall back on. But I just stopped turning up for work. I missed personal appearances, I was cold to the fans and I phoned it in during the matches I was obligated to compete in. I was every owner's worst nightmare.
But that was six years ago, and this is different. Dan Ryan is willing to give me a second chance and damned if I won't be taking it.
He certainly should take it, I've seen Mike C's flat and I've seen what EPW are paying him...he could use the money.
Mike C: The world of wrestling is a very different world in 2012. Some people would say that's a bad thing, that things were better in the past. Those people are nothing but sentimental fools. You look at the depth of talent on this roster and it's stunning, you look at the characters and the personas...something special is happening. And I want to be at the fulcrum of it. For me, Aggression 67 is the start of what will hopefully be a marvellous story and the greatest chapter in the book that is my career...Classy Mike C: The Tides of Progress...
Let's hope the publishers come up with something better...
Mike C: And who gets to play the first character we encounter in this chapter? Young Aaron Jones...the character who inevitably gets killed off early...the Drew Barrymore of Mike C's EPW odyssey. I've been watching EPW, getting myself ready for my return, and you interest me kid. You're clearly eager, you want to reach the top...sure, it might be the top of the refereeing world but you're still looking to go places. And I know that your skills are, shall we say, "rudimentary". But hey, God loves a tryer...doesn't he?
Aggression is going to be exciting for both of us kid. I'm not here for any nonsense, I'm here for redemption and for greatness. You're clearly all about the nonsense, if you can't get a job as a referee but can as a wrestler then something is seriously wrong. Either way, I want you to savour Aggression and savour being in that ring. You might get a little beaten, a little bruised, but you'll be in the ring...Daddy's ring. Now I'm going to stop short of calling myself "The Daddy"...I'm already accused of being a British stereotype by too many ignorant opponents so I don't want to get all "Guy Ritchie" on everyone...but I'll be teaching you a lesson.
I'm sure anyone who watched ULTRATITLE is starting to worry now. When Mike C starts getting educational it inevitably turns into a Children's TV circus...
Mike C: What is that lesson? Its not how to wrestle and its not how to get beat...its not going to manifest in the form of a Kids TV show, not this week anyway...
Phew.
Mike C: It's that when you want something, when you really aspire to something...maybe its to be World Champion, maybe its to own a Ferrari, maybe its to follow in Daddy's footsteps...you should never try and take a short cut. And that's all wrestling is to you, right? A short cut to Daddy's approval? Keep going that way Aaron and you'll get nowhere, and I'll be the first man to send you on that past. Don't feel too bad about it though Kid, it's just business...and if you're lucky I'll let you make the count when I pin your shoulders to the mat...
And he's back...or here, depending on if you remembered him the first time round. We focused one last time on Classy Mike C's face and then we're gone. Ready for Aggression and ready for the next chapter in Mike C's career. Now if only someone could come up with a pithy title for the chapter to end proceedings here...
...
Crap.