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Felix Red is a total ***** - part 1

NotorisSTD

League Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
397
Points
0
Age
38
Location
Boston and other places.
(CUEUP: “Got called in Sick today” by AFI…)

(CUTTO: Parking lot, late night, somewhere in nowhere. Felix Red is huddled between two cars, wrapped up in newspaper, staring blankly off into space, dried snot crusted up all over his upper lip, eyes blood shot, terrible complexion, maybe in not such great shape…)

FELIX: I know you won’t stop following me until I talk to you, and this is not what you came here for, and not what you want to hear. You want your morsel of f(bleep)ked up wisdom for the week. I’m all out of wisdom. You want half-empty threats. You want posturing. I’m not out of hate. But I’ve lost the will to act upon it, or anything else. I’m tired, so tired, of fighting everything. Everyone. I’ve spent most of my life, power, time, heart, thinking I was destroying what destroyed me, convincing myself this way is more honest, or at least paving the way for something better. My father was a deranged, violent man driven by lust for power and greed. My mother was a dead whore. I used to think I could aggrandize my insanity, and infect others with it. I could become too cool and important and to abandon. But if I have a child somewhere I don’t know about, which is a possibility, it will have been born into the same circumstances that I was. Absentee sociopath father. Apathetic, star f(bleep)ker mother. Probably, my father’s father was every bit the bastard he was, and I am now.

The truth is, I haven’t changed anything.

Everything is exactly the same.

Everyone is exactly the same.

The world destroyed me.

My destiny was confirmed the moment I was conceived. I am a monster, and I never had the choice to be anything else….Can’t say I don’t find that somewhat liberating. No more fabricated accountability. No more deception of freedom. I am a slave. And the master commands me to annihilate anything breathing…

You’re all really f(bleep)ked now.
 

NotorisSTD

League Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
397
Points
0
Age
38
Location
Boston and other places.
Re: Felix Red is a total pu$$y - part 2 (gayesy RP of all time)

(the next morning. A cheerier Felix is jaunting down the street, on his way to the coffee shop, whistling the theme song from Full House. A disheveled vagabond girl sitting on the sidewalk tugs on his sleeve as he passes…)

VAGABOND: Hey, mister. What cha doing?

FELIX: Everywhere you look, everywhere you looooook….La la la.

VAGABOND: So you’ve got some time to yourself?

FELIX: Pardon?

VAGABOND: Some time to yourself. Y’know?

FELIX:…Not following you.

VAGABOND: Y’wanna date?

(short, but marked silence)

FELIX: How old are you?

VAGABOND: Old enough.

FELIX: Alright.

(20 Minutes later…Felix and the Vagabond are sitting across from each other at a Duncan Donuts. Felix sipping coffee, the Vagabond sipping coffee, and aw, Felix brought her a bagel.)

VAGABOND: Like, I’m not just gonna sit and take all the bullsh(bleep) so called civilized society ‘n authority figures give me while they’re making my life miserable and f(bleep)king up the rest of the world. And what kind of hypocrite would I be if I kept relying on those people to support me? At least this way I’m using my sexuality to empower me, y’know? I’m in control this way.

FELIX: I understand what you’re saying, but you’re not seeing the big picture. Regardless of what philosophical or political spin you put on it, whoring yourself out, especially to people like me, is absurdly dangerous and stupid. I get that you feel more powerful. I think masochism kicks in when people feel completely powerless – as if deliberately endangering or hurting yourself instills a sense of control over your reality. But you’re exactly as powerful as you were before, and have always been, which isn’t very, and that has nothing to do with age or gender. You have no idea how easily I could’ve killed you and gotten away with it earlier, but really, I could’ve done that back when you were head of the cheerleading squad, or whatever.

VAGABOND: I wasn’t a cheerleader.

FELIX:….Drama club?

VAGABOND: Color guard.

FELIX: Well, whatever. My point is I can also kill 350 pound dudes who dress up like
vampires.

VAGABOND: But, uh…isn’t murder also dangerous and stupid?

FELIX: Exactly. My point is I can do anything I want, and so can you.

VAGABOND: Okay. Well, I want to smoke crack and get paid to screw strangers.

FELIX: Me too. Would you like to do anything else?

VAGABOND: Well… sleeping indoors, instead of on the street, would be cool.

FELIX: Right. See, I’ve met people like you before. Nothing in the suburbs was stopping you from the fun aspects of your current lifestyle. You could, basically, screw anonymously and get drugs whenever you felt like it. But you’ve gone and made all that your defining character aspects, or how you see yourself, ‘cause you’re too young to have any real identity of your own yet. You tell yourself you’re standing up for your beliefs, blah blah, but that’s just politicizing your misery. Really, you’re only living like this to get back at your parents, and reinforce your hatred of men and some equally ugly notions you’ve probably internalized about yourself. Meaning, things you hate are still controlling you. You’re absolutely right to be angry about many, many things, but there are more productive things you could use harness your anger for. Like, I donno, take some artsy black and white photographers, or write bad poetry, or something.

VAGABOND: Hey, listen, thanks for the bagel, but I don’t need to be lectured by a…uh…What are you supposed to be, anyway?

FELIX: I’m not so sure.

VAGABOND: No, like, literally. What do you do? You’re not a taxi driver, are you?

FELIX: No, I get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to beat people up on television.

VAGABOND:….Really?

FELIX: Yeah. I dropped a dumpster on a guy a while back. Squashed him like a bug. It was cool.

VAGABOND: Wouldn’t that kill him?

FELIX: Nah. I did kill my arch nemesis one time, though.

(awkward silence)

FELIX: He got better.

VAGABOND: Well, whatever. I’m not going to magically turn into a different person just because you felt like being a (makes finger quote marks) “good samaritan” or whatever.

FELIX: I’ll give you three kilos of blow if you stop whoring yourself out and go home.

VAGABOND: Okay.

FELIX: And I’ll know if you break your promise.

VAGABOND: (raises eyebrow) Mystic powers?

FELIX: Yuh huh.

VAGABOND: Well, there’s one other thing I’m going to need you to help me with.

(TBC - In the next episode of Felix Red is a total fag: Pimps! Ninja sh#t! and a special guest cameo by Steve Wilkos?!)
 

NotorisSTD

League Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
397
Points
0
Age
38
Location
Boston and other places.
Felix Red is a total pu$$y - part 3

(CUTTO: Felix Red, sitting on stage during the STEVE WILKOS SHOW.)

STEVE WILKOS: WHY ARE YOU AN A$$HOLE?!?!

RED: Y’know, I really don’t know.

WILKOS: YOU’VE DONE NOTHING…NOTHING, BUT LIVE LIKE A HEDONIST AND ABUSE PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE WALLOWING IN SELF PITY ‘CAUSE YOU REALIZE YOU’RE A TOTAL DOUCHE AND EVERYONE HATES YOU?!?!

RED: Well…yeah. That’s the long short of it, I guess.

WILKOS: WHY DON’T YOU JUST STOP BEING AN A$$HOLE?!?! YOU COULD DO THAT ANYTIME YOU FELT LIKE!!!

RED: Well, it’s harder than you might think. I mean, I’ve grown rather accustomed to it.

WILKOS: Let’s just go over the laundry list of, excuse my language, sh(bleep)y things you’ve done…You’ve tried to kill a couple of people, you’ve stolen numerous women from other men, drugged people and slept with them while passed out, drugged and had sex with yourself while passed out in a crowded restaurant, you’ve cheated, stolen, scammed, done every drug on the planet, exploited every friend you’ve ever had, you’re responsible for the existence of Kooter Michaels-Cruise, and you have the SACK to think people should feel SORRY FOR YOU?!!? F(bleep)K YOU!!! GO DIE!!

RED: You know something? You make a valid point. I’ve been a rotten little bastard. I should be ashamed of myself. But y’know something, bra? I’ve made a ton of money, I can do whatever I want, also my T-shirts sell fairly well, and I’ve got sweet endorsement deals with Hot Topic and Sparks. Sparks, it’s booze AND an energy drink! You could even make the case I’ve done some good by entertaining people. Everyone needs an escape from their horrible life, and by destroying a handful of lives, I’ve enriched countless more. I could kill seven or eight people for no reason, and as long as it was on TV, it would be a karmic positive.

WILKOS: That’s uh…THAT’S TOTAL NONSENSE! I AM FURIOUS THAT YOU SAID THAT! YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE PERSON I HAVE EVER MET! GET OFF MY STAGE! YOU ARE GOODER THAN JESUS!

RED: Sure. But before I do, I’d like to thank you, Steve Wilkos. You’ve shown me that I have nothing to feel bad about. (extends his hand to Wilkos)

WILKOS: No problem Felix. It’s what I’m here for.

(Felix waves goodbye to the audience, who chant his name as he walks off.)

WILKOS: After the commercial break, I’m going to scream at a gang member for 20 minutes, then I’m going to snuggle kittens.

(CUTTO: A seedy apartment, somewhere in Nowhere Massachusetts. A rotund gentleman, with shoulder length greasy hair, in jeans and a T-shirt that haven’t been washed in a few weeks, sits on the couch eating pizza watching Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, and talking on his cell phone…)

PIMP MASTER: No, mom, I’m not getting a real job….Because I’m making too much money pimping. It’s kind of awesome. I paid off my student loans and everything. Yeah…Yeah…(a knock is head) Hold on, that’s probably one of my sluts at the door. I’ll call you back. (hangs up, and heads down the hall to the front door, looks through the peep hole, and gets really excited…)

Oh…My….GOD!!! (swings the door open, to reveal FELIX RED standing before him…)

FELIX: Uh, hi. I’m looking for a J(bleeeeeeeep)? Is this the right place?

P-MASTER: Y----You’re….

FELIX: Yeah, I’m Felix.

P-MASTER: FELIX RED!!! You’re my HERO, dude! I have all your matches on DVD! And all your action figures! I bought a needle you used one time on eBay!

FELIX: Cool. You’re J(bleeeeeeep)?

P-MASTER: Y—Yeah. Yeah. That’s me! WOW! I can’t believe you’re at my house! Is this a reality show or something?

FELIX: Uh, actually I wanted to talk to you about one of your employees.

P-MASTER: Oh my god…FELIX RED NAILED ONE OF MY HOES?!?!

FELIX: Uh, actually, no. I need you to, y’know, relinquish control and such over her, without the usual hassle about all that. It’s my, ah, good deed of the decade. And if you resist, I’ll ah, y’know, mess you up. I’ve got concealed weapons and such.

P-MASTER:…I have never been so honored.

FELIX: uh…?

P-MASTER: Dude, you want to steal one of my hoes?!?! You can take three!!! Take four!!!

FELIX: Okay.

P-MASTER: Jeezus, where are my manners?! Come in!! (ushers Felix in) Have a beer!! Ooooh, can we stage a picture where it looks like you’re knifing me? All my pimp buddies would be way jealous.

FELIX: Sure.

(FTB)
 

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