All good points. Without getting into a ton of detail, this all reminded me why I should've stopped getting involved in the running of interfed stuff after Ultratitle.
Anyways, here's the notes I took on the RPs, as I read them. If people want to know how I ranked everyone, I'd be happy to post that, otherwise this list is literally just "the order in which I read them. And I had a tie for first - Shawn Hart and Eden Morgan. Everyone else is somewhere down the line.
Mike Best:
This would’ve been a decent intro RP for a new fed: you discuss who you are and why we should care, then you get far too inside and far too ‘too hip for the room.’ In telling us why you’re awesome and don’t care if we agree with you, you’re letting me know that you desperately care. It’s effective if it’s done well, but godawful rehashed tripe if it’s not. What really sealed it for me was the fact that – instead of telling us why you’re going to beat your opponents (outside of the ‘I’m Mike Best’ stuff), you told us about all the different stereotypical wrestlers that show up to events like this, thus becoming a stereotype yourself. I think this would’ve been more effective if you’d used 2,950 words to describe The Awesome of Mike Best and had a throwaway at the end about how you’ve got twenty nine people to make you look even better. Props for the 2.0 Pac line, though.
Amber Ryan:
I hate to tell you but on my first reading, I had no idea who the main character was supposed to be or what connection this had to EFG Battlemania. This is the post that made me open up the bio first, then the RP so I could keep track of who was who.
Emelvas Stastias:
John Cena. CM Punk. JBL. Chris Benoit. WWF. Next.
Shawn Jessica Bubbles Hart:
The following exchange was the first actual laughing – out – loud moment for me reading RPs:
RIVIÈRE: ”Hah! Sorry there, big guy. I went to the Derecho school of public speaking.”
SJH: ”It shows, nnndaddio. Heh, y'know... I still don't really know whether it's actually pronounced Derrick-o or Duh-RAITCH-o.”
RIVIÈRE: ”I think it's Derecho.”
It’s a realistic slapstick type of exchange that highlights both the nature of the game and puts over SJH as a serious athlete with a whimsical side. On one hand, it’s all over the place with the character not committing to whatever role it is that he plays. On the other… that’s what Shawn Hart does. Aces.
Jason Orion
It was good. I liked the story parallel, but I think the point would’ve been made just as well if you hadn’t blatantly spelled it out “No, I’m not Spider-man.” I think it would’ve worked better, because I was already there and enjoyed the journey you were taking me on. That somewhat took me out of it. Not all the way, I think it was a RP that could’ve beaten almost anyone in this thing (if it wasn’t everyone vs. everyone), and was top ten for me at least.
Derecho
Intense, as always – but to me, one dimensional. I know that’s Derecho – intense, serious, and focused, but he’s talking about being ‘forever’ in his world and reshaping Battlemania in his world’s image, etc. Calling attention to himself by making fun of everyone else that’s calling attention to themselves is effective, if not original. Opponent breaking, but not completely world breaking. Good job, though.
Ian Bishop
This RP contains a progression that makes me shake my head. Starting with the sexy naked woman doesn’t tell me that Ian Bishop has a way with the ladies – it tells me that he wants us all to know he has a way with the ladies. I’m also not much of a fan of the ‘clueless woman ornament’ archetype – the woman who asks all the questions so the wrestler can give all the exposition in a natural, conversational way. Unfortunately, it never comes off like that. If this woman is in a relationship with Ian Bishop, she knows most of the answers to the questions she was asking already, which means she’s “acting for the camera” even though there’s no camera there. Takes me right out of it.
Aidan Morag
Misspellings are a huge pet peeve of mine – “Aiden tries to speak but
her stammers through it” was an easy one to fix, which implies no proofreading. To me, this was another RP where the hero bangs some girl whose name he doesn’t even know and he spent some time in prison. I find that setup to be as bland as beige wallpaper. The CD setup was longer than the promo part of the RP: that would work in a fed where there’s a longer story being told, but when it’s one and done, to be honest, I don’t care about Aiden’s ghosts, or his girlfriend, or his heroin addiction, or his prison time, except as it relates to Battlemania, and you did not tie them together.
Mark Kingston
Not bad. Good mix of character development and match relevance, and even the CD portion was relevant to the match itself. Interesting approach with Kingston literally writing his promo, but opening up a browser tab to ‘submit it’ was a bit much and made me think “So, is Mark Kingston a wrestler, or is he an e-fedder?” It was a weird disconnect. I think this would’ve been more impactful if Kingston had typed it up and just left it on the screen, like he’s getting back into the swing of the business and he’s getting his thoughts down before cutting his promo.
Blue Suede Bruce
I was prepared to groan at reading another sex scene in a RP, but the disinterested wrestler and the annoyed prostitute was a nice twist on things and I again found myself laughing very hard at the whole ridiculous scenario. When I read the line “skinny, sorry excuse for a rocker, Marilyn Manson,” I was wondering in what decade this took place where Manson could be considered skinny, then I decided it was perfectly all right because he was being compared to Fat Elvis. No worries. Unfortunately, by the time we got to Dustin Diamond’s leopard print thong the name dropping had reached ridiculous proportions (Why would Wayne Newton interview someone?). Still, very very entertaining.
Stacy Jones
On the flipside of the “hot girl in bed who doesn’t do much but take up space,” is the stereotypically female wrestler. Kidnapped? Check. Multiple times? Check. Miscarriage? Check. Tragedy = depth is a fallacy and is a shortcut to a supposedly well-rounded character. Adding to that is Jones’ comments about Scott Stevens, his sexist, homophobic face making him a sexist, homophobic prick. Any cameraperson worth their money would’ve said ‘cut’ and reminded her that she shouldn’t use such a specific insult so close together. Good effort, but it fell flat to me.
Al Envy/Austen Impact
Since you wrote your RPs together, I’m reviewing them together – and I think you two may need couples therapy. Al’s RP was mainly a love letter to Austen Impact. Austen Impact, your RP was all about the TV show CHOPPED and dealing with Al’s unrequited love. It’s not what I’m looking for in a match RP, though Austen Impact gets higher ratings than Al Envy due to the CHOPPED reference.
Mushigihara
I like the way Eddie Dante cut the promo, so to speak, as the manager/advance man for Mushigihara – but it felt less like a promo and more like a “These other guys from Defiance are awesome.” The promo did not feel like it was for Battlemania – more like “This is a Defiance RP and everyone from Defiance is awesome, also we’re in this interfed match.” I feel like we could’ve seen more focus on Battlemania, and less on “These guys from DEF are cool.”
Reya Serra Jannason
“Thirty is the new twenty” – In professional wrestling, ‘twenty’ usually means rookie and prone to make mistakes, while ‘thirty’ usually means “hitting your prime.” What message are you trying to leave us with? Interesting approach, though – telling us about the lightning strike and the other similar matches you’ve been in. However, you’re also telling us that you never won a World Championship and you’re ambiguity on the other similar matches tells us that you never won them. You run down a list of “sadistic/masochistic” matches you’ve been in but remind us that you are and have always been a technical wrestler. As far as masochistic is concerned, I don’t think it means what you think it means. I don’t really feel like this RP has decided what it wants to be, and giving multiple sides of an absolute hurt you in the end.
JB Ronie
The ‘scene wipe’ in the middle of the RP was abrupt and minor enough that I actually missed it on my first read-through and was trying to figure out who the RP was about. It was well written enough, however it seems to be more of a transitional piece that would be good to explain a continuing story in a fed – it does not translate as well to a one-and-done event.
Chris King
Interesting stream – of – consciousness approach. I enjoyed it very much and would have possibly pushed it up one except for one comment:
Sure I could get on the internet and play Indy wrestling bully and type up and post bad reviews on some of the retards in BATTLEMANIA but what does that prove? It wouldn’t boost my ego like it does some of them. They even reply with capital, bold or colorful not so witty retorts.
Veiled references to “This is all just a game we play on the internets” doesn’t sit well with me.
Eugene Dewey
Exceptional work. Background on your character, what they’re doing now, what their goals are, and how they hope to accomplish. Of course, I’m a mark for an Ultratitle shoutout, but at the same time, the character development – to – match – relevance ratio was perfect, and there were a few inside moments that made me laugh. Excellent work.
Matt Meyhu
Top Gun is overrated.
MJ Bell
I loved this piece. I would’ve ranked you higher if it wasn’t for a variety of misspellings and improper grammar usage. The semi – monologue style is one of my favorites.
Jordan King
The unique setup (as far as the rest of the RPs are concerned) works in your favor. News coverage of the character’s departure for Battlemania both presented realistically and with background that makes sense. My only real critique is that there was a lot of talking about King as a wrestler but very little of substance from him, himself. The retirement announcement was somewhat generic – I’ve been doing this for a long time, this is one more match, thanks for everything, etc. There wasn’t much of a sense to me of what he accomplished, what he failed to accomplish, why this last match means so much and why THIS match is the last one, etc. Still, overall a great piece.
Scott Stevens
This was less about who you are and what you’re going to bring to Battlemania and why you’re part of it, and more a recruitment video for the Cult of High Octane Wrestling. I don’t think it occurred to you that if a judge didn’t consider HOW to be the End All and Be All of Fantasy Wrestling, or if a judge didn’t consider HOW at all – what’s left? I’m glad you’re proud of your home fed, but this is a post that should be on the HOW homepage, not an unaffiliated interfed event where we’re looking for the whole package of who you are in 3000 words or less, not a HOWentology celebrity center.
Eden Morgan
The perfect mix of serious and snark. You let us know who you are, where you’re from, why you’re in the match, what you bring to the table, what your advantages are, and your critiques of your opponents gives a continuity to the story of the match. My only critique was that you used more than a third of your word limit describing the scene – however that’s the nature of a dark, gothy character. Lots of show, lots of feelings, lots of “I’m more gothier than you” attitude, and it didn’t take away from what was said at all. Besides, calling out Tim Curry as the devil in Legend is always great.
Dave Rydell
The promo part of the RP was decent, if a bit generic. I didn’t get a sense of character or motivation, outside of “I’m a wrestler and I want to win, and I know some of the participants.” The part that I felt hurt you was the setup – it was all very stilted, unnatural dialogue. The way it was written it was as if the manager and the wrestler were following a script and playing to the camera like one of the commercials in the Ghostbusters movies. We’re supposed to believe that Dave’s manager doesn’t know he’s in the Battlemania match? And if he doesn’t know, why didn’t Dave tell him? Are they having problems? We’re asked to accept too much non-realism.
“Ripper” Danny B
This RP failed to hold my attention. The sentences were run – on, the dialogue was flowery and unnatural, and I was unable to differentiate between the wrestler speaking and the narration – they were written in the same voice. When there is very little happening in the way of “what’s going on while the wrestler is talking,” less is more – this felt artificially inflated to look longer, which hurts what content of note there is.
Amp
Things are misspelled, which is a hot issue for me. Beyond that, there’s very little substance. This RP can pretty much be summed up: “I’m Amp, the Living Legend. I’m a sociopath who gets off on causing other people physical, mental, and emotional pain, and I’m going to win Battlemania but I need to stretch this out for three thousand words.”
Lord Raab
You said you didn’t proofread, and it shows. There are certain passages where I’m not sure what it is you’re actually trying to say – if anything. The first half of the RP is the “expositional conversation” that either shows a manager who doesn’t know what his charge is up to (thus, a terrible manager), or a conversation that takes place for the benefit of the hidden cameras, which neuters Raab’s aura, that not only is he a feared and violent wrestler, but that he’s a lifestyler. He’s also wordy for a guy who just wants to hurt people. You might do better to have Raab be the silent but violent type and have a manager character to do the talking for you.
Ataxia
I don’t get it. I get the attitude and the dismissal of the consequences of the match, but for a guy who doesn’t care what happens, he’s spending a lot of time, and a lot of money on a camera crew and visual effects to tell us he doesn’t care. And was the crew made aware that they’re working on a fetish porn video where some crazy guy literally fucks himself? I know it’s wrestling and it’s a show and it’s ‘scripted’ but this post was too much in too many different directions and I feel like it never really decided what kind of promo it was going to be.
James Jackson
Positives: Short and to the point. No wasted words. Negatives: You didn’t say much and you didn’t really give us a sense of who this character is, except for ‘the son of a wrestler.’ Could’ve been more.
Casanova English
The CD portion of the post gave us a good indication of what drives English to do what he does, though things are misspelled and long winded in the promo portion. By not addressing any opponent directly (and I don’t mean replying to something each one said individually) – and by mentioning Battlemania only in your first line - you come off like an olde-tyme wrestler cutting twenty promos, all in a row, for whatever city airs your company. While it’s not necessary to get into character histories with everyone for a one and done event, the way you dismissed “29 faded prima donas” (misspelling left intentionally) and the fact that you call yourself a “soldier of change, bringing forth a revolution” without following up as to how you see your opponents that way or how you’re a revolutionary – it’s all just empty words.
