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the EX-QUEEN of FW~!
Jan 1, 2000
Greensboro USA
measuring stick said:
(As a Jay Smash promo ends, a TV commercial begins)

Tired of not being able to satisfy your lover?

Tired of your partner gagging, puking, and scratching his eyeballs out because of your genital warts?

Well try Oxi-Med's Genital Warts & Herpes Treatment!

It really works! Just ask Kathleen from CSWA!

(Screen flashes to Kathleen running down the beach)

KATHLEEN V/O: I've had genital warts for almost a full year, and I've tried every medicine known to man. Now that I've found Oxi-Med, I'm convinced that I'll be able to please my lover, without getting those sour looks.


V/O: Side effects include.

(Black screen appears, scrolling white text)



Making out with untalented wrestlers.

And sores in the mouth, that are transmittable.

I think this is potentially the greatest note in fW history.



The Godfather
Staff member
Mar 17, 1988
Well, let's tally up the score:

Eli Flair: will be eliminated in the first ring when Eron the Relentless breaks wind and knocks him over the top.

Lawrence Stanley: so close to returning and getting a belt (e.g. "Godfather" and "Chad Is King" comments), instead doesn't even make it to the ring when Hornet runs out, shoves his face into dog food again, and then breaks both legs.

Measuring Stick: new UNIFIED Champion.

;) Lest Stanton read this note and use it to dredge up eleven-year old accusations: IT'S A JOKE!


User Poets

The Shadow Pope
Jan 6, 1995
Top of the Pile
What'd i say? WHAT? Ross took it in the wrong direction, I was legitimately concerned about first and second degree burns. Ross did it, not me!

You read too much into everything, Merritt. :) And after volunteering to write part of this monstrosity, too. FOR SHAME.


Jan 1, 2000
(CUT TO: "The Big Man on Campus" JJ DeVille, wearing his NC State Varsity jacket, carrying his trigonometry textbook, is walking on the steps of the library at North Carolina State University.)

JJ: I'm not one to hide behind my past. I wasn't the cool kid in high school. I was the geek, the spaz, the nerd. I was the kid turned down for every date he ever asked for, the kid who stayed at home playing CSWA: Showtime on his Sega Genesis the night of his senior prom. When I, finally, after a bunch of times rejected, was selected to join the CSWA roster, I was the laughingstock of the entire sport. My hair -- permed. My face -- covered in acne. My body? Scrawny. My clothes? A mixture of outdated band T-shirts and cut-outs.

And y'know what? I was still the guy who never got the girl, despite my palling around with Troy Windham, the ultimate chick magnet. I couldn't even get his sloppy seconds.

But there was one girl, more than any other, that I wanted to take out on a date. Her name? Kathleen. Her job? A staff worker at the CSWA's satellite office in New York. She's one of the prettiest girls I've ever laid eyes on, and every time I asked her out for a date... she said no.

"JJ, I would never date a guy who is wearing a Madonna World Tour tube top."
"JJ, I would never date a guy who quoted Dokken in an interview."
"JJ, I would never date a guy who mows Troy Windham's lawn."

How could I forget the time Katherine told a friend of a friend that she'd go out on a date with me if I showed up in a tuxedo t-shirt carrying black roses and a dildo. I do just that, and she's there with all her office-mates and they start taking pictures of me, making fun of me, and then tell me to scram.

Katherine, that was the worst day of my life.

That was the day you broke my heart.

So Katherine, imagine my surprise when I see you getting airtime on the CSWA. Here you are, filing paperwork with a guy I didn't recognize... a guy calling himself Jay Smash. He's the kind of guy I'd see in a wrestling locker room, but not the kind of guy I'd find here on a college campus. And what do I see?

I see this guy put his hands all over you, unwarranted... and then I see you enjoying it.

This taught me a lot about you, Katherine. I was better off then, and I'm better off now. If you like doing that kind of thing with that kind of guy, well, that shows what kind of girl you are. I mean, like you said, you're a high school graduate... while I'm The Big Man On Campus.

But don't get me wrong, Katherine. I still think about you. Each and every single day. When I'm in the gym, when I'm training, when I'm doing whatever it takes to make sure that I walk out of the Gold Rush as the new CSWA Unified Champion... I think of you, and I think of how good it's going to feel when I toss your new squeeze out of the ring, and when you tell all your friends that you knew me when.


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