Television Championship: BattleBRAWL Rumble

[TheOriginalSE]

All RP for Battle BRAWL Battle Royal for the Television title and the Battle BRAWL cup should be posted in this thread.

Competitors include:

- ALISTER HAYZE - CAMERON CRUISE -

- DISTRIBUTOR OF PAIN - EL ARCO IRIS -

- GHOSTRIN - JACK DURDEN -

- JARED WELLS - JASON PAYNE -

- JAY - JOHN DOE -

- JONATHAN MARX - KADE KASH -

- LEGEND KILLER - PETER FILE -

- PHANTOM REPUBLICAN - PHIL MACINTOSH -

- SHAWN HART - TREVOR CANE -

and... the #1 Contender ...

- MWG -​

RP and angles are due Friday, December 3rd, at 11:59pm. All angles should be sent to sedmunds@goucher.edu ... enjoy!

 

[John Doe]

A Never Ending Circle

FADEIN….

John Doe, New Era Backdrop, that simple. John is plopped down on a stool as he looks at the camera

DOE:

“Battle Brawl, a chance for me to become Champions, dreams to come alive, and yet another chance for me to show everyone that I, John Doe, can become a champion. The truth being I have worked here in NEW for 5 months, the fact is I can win this match. Men? No…rookies is what I have, for some exceptions like a team mate. And a man that has become an unsaid enemy to me”

“Let’s go down the list shall we? Alister Hayze? Nothing more than a man that can’t see straight 95% of the time. Why? Because he is on shrooms, LSD, or any drug that can make his feel….good. Hell, as for we know you are the next Boogie Smallz, eventually kicked out do to your uncontrollable drug problem.”

“DOP and Shawn Hart, nothing to say about you two, I have never stepped in the ring with you guys, but I have scene your work in NWL, and I am ready to step toe to toe against you men, the only problem is how long has it been since you went into a ring? Months, weeks, days? And you expect to defeat me? Sorry my friends you need a bit more work, make sure you train long and hard, but that still won’t give you the upper hand against me.”

“El Arco Iris… yes a quite worthy competitor. Nice job winning last RAUCOUS in what was suppose to be a main event…hmm, you lost your match for the world title, and is working in FWML or whatever it is called, so, can we all say a man in a federation with no competition and still hasn’t gotten off it’s feet. Nice job Arco. And have a nice time trying to get rid of me”

“Ghostrin, Kade Kash, Phil Macintosh, Legend Killer, and Jack Durden never heard of you guys so let’s just keep it that way shall we. A couple words of advice, stay out of my way, if I come towards you fall on you back and pin yourself. That may be your last hope from saving yourself The Amnesia Attack”

“Jared Wells…I faced off with you before…yes I remember now, with Chris McMillian, and as I recall I beat the royal hell out of both of you. Yes! I do remember that one; it was for the same title. So what makes you believe you can get in the ring and conquer me now? Nothing. My exact point. You have nothing to show forth that you can defeat me then, nor do you have anything to show you can defeat me now, I will definitely look forward to beating you senseless”

“Jason Payne, you just recently signed over to Empire Pro. A 12 year vet in the ring, a man with skills beyond skills. And a man that was discharged from the Navy… so little sailor boy thinks he can take on John Doe. Wait, you were beating by McMillian, in a dog collar match, NFW. Remember, you were injured. And now you want to step up to me, the man who destroyed “The Wolf” on live TV? Good luck with that one!”

“Jay, I have never been in the ring with you, but I for warn you show opener, that when you do see me at Battle Brawl, everything you thought will be wrong. The fact that you think you beat the world, well that is wrong. So, when I do see you prepare for a good eye opener of what a real wrestler is like. Be sure to take notes!”

“John Doe, Woops that’s me!”

“Jonathan Marx…I have no grudge with you Marx, and if you stay in that ring longer than me…So be it. If there is one man that I can see coming out of this longer than me it is you, and if I fail then you my friend, you bring the TV to DREDD. See you in the ring.”

“Peter File, how those little kids doing? Heh. Anyways, you are another one I have never faced off with, But just because I haven’t meet you in the ring doesn’t mean you get the upper hand, nor are you any better than me. You haven’t been seen on a New Era card in weeks, same as DOP up there. And you expect to come on down and put me on my back? Get real, and get a life. Listen here Pedophile Pete if you want to stroll on down to that ring as big bad Peter File, be my guest, hell it’s your career not mine”

“GOP, nuff said about that one. You think you are all great and mighty, just because you got me on my back, maybe if Mr. Cruise was not in the audience, I would have won, his damn distraction, his interference cost me the match, and you, with your damn chair shot, what, the only way you can defeat me is with a chair? Well, great job, glad to know how bad you are.”

“Trevor Cane, I beat you, I humiliated you when I took Doc Silver’s place in the original tourney for the title. Hell, you were my first opponent, and now we meet again in the ring. And once more I get the chance to beat you down and make you a laughing stock for the rest of the New Era brand. Good luck taking me out, because I promise you, this time I will beat you senseless. Call it Deja Veu”

“MWG, I faced off with you also, with the former TV Champ Alex Borden, I will go against you again. The question is, how did you become the number one contender? Luck? Skill? No. Lady luck is never on your side and as for skill, well that just shows for itself. So how did you become the number one contender to the TV Title. Simple, they forgot about me. If you remember me and Alex beat you senseless until I got drained and Alex beat me to a pulp. So what do I say to the number one man? Go f*ck yourself title is mine”

“And finally we come to Cameron Cruise. A man that took me out from behind a man that has to show up and cost me a match. And what does John have to say about him? You’re a jag bag and a half. The fact is Cameron, you couldn’t defeat a girl, hence Lindsay Troy. You had to team up with Joey Melton to even see any kind of championship gold. And you have the nerve to attack me? To cost me a match? Why, jealous of John, jealous that I have my name in the lights and you don’t? Hell, if you want to take me on here’s your chance dip sh*t. We see each other in the ring and now is my time to beat you senseless. But his time, you are not going to ambush me from behind, and I will show you why I never give up.”

“All in all, I am walking out Battle Brawl with a belt around my waist and my name high in the sky. And all of you well, I said enough about you all. So see you at the PPV”

“I Am Not Just Anyone…I Am John Doe”

FADEOUT

 

[CandyPimp]

<I>Fade in on <B>Alister Hayze</B> seated before an N-E-W backdrop, dressed in his jeans and his “901“ T-shirt.</I>

<b>ALISTER HAYZE</B>: The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes to me. BatteBRAWL is all mine.

I mean, to start out with, we’ve got five people -- yes, FIVE people -- debuting at this Pay-Per-View. Now, I’ve got to tell you, kids, I’m not liking your odds. It’s your first ever <b>New ERA</b> Pay-Per-View. It’s BattleBRAWL. You’re coming in at our second big show, the next big dance, and you think that one of you is gonna squeak by and win the Television championship? Uh-uh, juniors. Uh-uh. Let me just tell you all now, let me just squash those little dreams of yours before they can start to fully form. It ain’t gonna happen. You guys, like it or not, are filler. I know, I know, it’s not a nice thing to say, and I’m a nice guy an’ all, but you need to face facts. You’ve got real <b>NEW</b> superstars in this match. And what are, Ghostrin? Huh? Who the hell do you think <I>you</I> are? What about you, Jason Payne? And you, Jack Durden. You guys are the scrubs, plain and simple. You’re there so that all of us -- the guys with the talent, the name, you know, that kind of stuff -- have someone to throw out. And if the other guys don’t have the balls to give it to you straight, well then, just come to ol’ Al. He’s more than happy to dump your butts over the top rope.

And I realize, you’re probably saying to yourselves, “Well, you know, Hayze is probably just bitter. I mean, I didn’t get to start out on a Pay-Per-View. <I>He</I> had to work a dark match. He’s just jealous that I get my big shot.”

<I>Hayze shakes his head sadly.</I>

<b>HAYZE</b>: Not true, guys. I’m trying to help you. Yes, I did have to work a dark match last time. I did have to prove myself to get on this roster. I didn’t get nationwide exposure my first time out on this show. But I’m not bitter, oh no. I’m not jealous. Because you guys <I>do</I> have to prove yourselves. You guys are gonna have to climb into the ring with one of the most talented technicians the world has ever seen. You’re gonna have to step inside the squared circle and face God’s own gift to wrestling, the Right Reverend of 901, THE BEST DAMN SUPERSTAR THAT <B>NEW ERA</B> HAS TO OFFER -- me. You guys have to face Alister Hayze in your first ever match. And that’s tough, guys. I realize it. Getting beat by your first time out. But don’t be sad, guys. It’s okay. After all, you’re gonna be in the ring with me. What else could you expect? Go ask the Phantom Republican, or Jay, what they think of me. Sure, you’ll get some denial. “I was in the ropes!” “The ref didn’t see it!” “He had my tights!” There’s excuses enough to go around, but the bottom line is, they’re all just another W for me in the record books.

And if you still don’t believe my warnings…if you still can’t acknowledge the truth…take a look at the cream of the crop, the guys that were so good that didn’t have to wait for the Pay-Per-View to have a match. The Legend Killer, and Phil Macintosh. Way to go, guys. Nice match, really. These guys were fighting <I>each other</I>, and still neither of them has a win.

But it’s not all rookies at BattleBRAWL, oh no. We’ve got some of the best talent anywhere, and just about all of ‘em are wanting a shot at the TV title. First of all, you’ve got Peter File, whose offense is pretty much just whacking people over the heads with dildos. But since this is a Pay-Per-View, a big show, he’ll probably go all out and spring for a vibrating one. You’ve got the “silent” Messenger, Trevor Cane, here to bring a world of hurt to all us sinners, I’m sure. You’ve been a little too quiet as of late, Trev. I always wondered if my supposedly hedonistic lifestyle would ever make me cross paths with you. Now it seems like it has…The thing is, I don’t think you’re all that you think you ought to be. I mean, I’ve been here, man. I’ve been out there, I’ve been doing it for the past few months. I’ve been kicking ass, I’ve been taking names. Where’ve you been, man? Lurking in the shadows? Biding your time?

<I>Hayze snickers.</I>

Personally, I think you’ve been sitting at home in a barcalounger, watching the television. You’ve been scared ‘cause you can’t quite hack it anymore. You’re scared when you see the guys that run this place. You think you’ve been outshone. And doubting your message is a sure-fire way to guarantee that you’ll be nothing with it comes down to the wire. Don’t be upset, it’s happened to the best of ‘em. Hell, it’s happened to ol’ DOP, who got beat by one of those scrubs I was talking about. Not just beat, mind you. SCHOOLED. The two of you are nothing more than relics now, unable to do a damn thing but watch those of us with real talent wow the crowds.

Jared Wells, Shawn Hart…you guys got talent, real talent, there’s no doubt about that. Arco Iris, too, but he’s a little…weird. You guys, though. You could be something. The emphasis there should be on “should.” The bottom line is that neither of you has the will, the charisma, the speed, or the intellect to be what I am -- the next NEW Television champion. Unlike a certain someone else, I don’t give a damn about what you’re doing in other promotions, or what you did, even. What I care about is this place, this new era that we’re all a part of. I’ll be honest with you guys, and with you, too, Iris…You guys are good. But you’re either too unfocused, too happy and good, or too…well, you’re just not good enough. Not half of what I am. And you never will be again.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Madonna. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that kiss that you planted on me in the ring. Don’t think that I’ve forgotten about that match, the match that made you the number one contender for the Television title. I haven’t forgotten a thing. Marceau won’t stop me this time; she’s past me now. This time, when you stand in front of me, there’s nothing that’s going to keep me from going through you. Nothing.

And speaking of nothings…we finally get around to DREDD. John, Jon? I want the two of you to remember something, okay? When I’m dumping you over the top rope…When you’re watching me standing in the ring, that gold cup and that title belt held high over my head…I want you to remember that you brought this all on yourself. If you wanted Rabesque, that was fine with me at first. Everyone wants to be the champ. Now, I’ve always had a bit of problem with guys like you, who think that banding together gives you the run of the place. So yeah, eventually, you and me would have to face off. But that wasn’t going to be for a while…at least, it wasn’t until you decided to become Marceau’s idiot cabana boys and jump me in the back. This alliance with the champ, it’s because you have made yourselves a common enemy to us. You stuck your face in my business, and so now, you’re target number one. I don’t think I’ll be as satisfied as when I throw your two overrated asses out of my ring.

<I>The camera pulls in closer, until the only thing we can see is Hayze’s face.</I>

<b>HAYZE</B>: I’m not just anyone, John. I’m the next NEW Television champion.

<I>Fade to black.</I>

 

[TSiegel]

(Fadein to Cameron Cruise, dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a new black version of a shirt that advertises the Pay Per View in front of an NEW ERA backdrop. Cruise shakes his head, un-amazed.)

CC: Wow, you know I thought I had the lowest amount of class and stupidity personified performing in front of me going into Empire Pro.

(Cruise smiles)

But it looks like we have an heir to the throne ladies and gentlemen!!

Doe, from an un-organized pile of crap who's apparent lack of memory capacity won't allow him to figure out that perhaps losing three straight battles to what appears is now our World Heavyweight Champion...that perhaps maybe he should leave him be for awhile until you can figure out how to actually KEEP UP with ring veterans, like us??

But that won't do, you'll just forget it anyway....right?

But you do have the little bit that allows you to point out that I can't beat Lindsay Troy and that I've teamed with Melton to win the tag titles. Just how ignorant can a little runt like you be?

First of all irritant, Lindsay Troy has more talent, skill, and ability overall than you would on your best day, so I can take a loss to her and not get beaten up over it. Besides...from a self-proclaimed "GOD".....

Aren't you reaching just abit?

As far as Melton goes....

(Cruise snickers)

Kid, I'm almost thirty years old, and he's been in this business for over sixteen years....most of it I might add, while Freeman was the man who put us together in the first place....Melton's probably won more World titles and accomplished more feats than years you've been ALIVE ON THIS PLANET.

So if that doesn't phase your lack of conscious mind Doe, let me make it real simple for you: I'm proud to tag with Joey.

But what would you know, irritant?

Or have you forgotten that your little tag team in EPW a few months back in May didn't even QUALIFY for the Tag Title Tournemant, let alone have you actually made any actual IMPACT on the division at all??

Me an' Joey?

We've beaten every single tag team minus Sands an' Troy that were put against us. A minor mistake mind you, that I assure you we will remedy very soon.

But since day one, you little runt....we've sold out more arenas and satisfied more fans than Jenna Jameson has made videos, don't EVEN get me started on Las Vegas!!

I've even managed to win a few every now an' then all by myself....meanwhile, you can't keep focused enough on your own matches to win ONE....and you've got the classiest man in this business at ringside!!

But I'm jealous Doe.

I've been in this business almost ten years but I'm jealous of a no-talent hack who's even admitted himself of not even having his first match for ANYTHING, let alone the coveted Television Title...before FEBRUARY???

I ambushed you for a reason.

Because you're not who you THINK you remember yourself to be.

Besides....

Just who the hell do you think you ar--wait....now you've got me forgetting.

You're not just anyone, you're John Doe.

Just another chump on his way to getting a REALITY CHECK....he just....won't like.

(Fade)

 

[Jason Payne]

Unchained, uncollared, Unmerciful....

FADE IN on the exterior of the Basham Schultz Wrestling Academy. The dilapated facade has improved slightly since it was last seen on television, as if it is going through a re-modernization. The once dangling sign over the beaten down wooden door has been erected once again, though several of the letters are still burnt out. The windows along the front of the building all have fresh glass in them. However even with these small signs of remodeling, there is no evidence to support that any construction has actually taekn place. The ground out front has not been chewed up by any heavy equipment. No scaffolding in place. The shot comes from slightly overhead and sweeps around the front. The wind whistles in the background as it blows the tall, yet dead grass in front of the old arena. The camera settles into a shot that places it near the ground, directly in front of the entrance. As the yellow grass waves back and forth, the steady crunch of boots upon asphalt is heard in the background. It grows steadily louder until a pair of boots walk into the shot, stopping in the shot so that the old door to the arena is seen between them.

Payne V.O. - "In a season that signifies an ending, how fitting for it to be the beginning of a new chapter of destruction."

The screen explodes as we CUT-TO the interior of the Basham-Schultz Wrestling Academy. The shot pans along the wall of the entrance where several faded and torn posters from shows that happened years ago still stand. Names and faces that the business swallowed up and spit out again. Amongst the worn and tattered pieces of paper, one stands out. In it, a younger Jason Payne, and a very familiar former tag-team partner are shown in a menacing pose. Though the poster is clearly as old as the rest, it looks as if it were brand new. The camera pivots and shows the main arena, with an old ring centered inside of several rows of seats. Dust can be seen floating through the air in the sunlight that is let in through the windows. The seats, and the floor, are covered in dust. The ring looks as if it hasn't been touched in years. On top of one of the turnbuckles, a figure sits in silence. His arms growing out from a black sleeveless T-shirt. His massive shoulders hunched over with his elbows resting on his jean covered knees. Dark curly hair rests on broad shoulders that rise and fall in slow, deliberate breathing. The camera slowly pans around the ring, keeping the massive figure in sight. The face of Jason Payne is slowly revealed as the camera rises up above the ring ropes. Payne's eyes are cast downward onto the dusty canvas of the ring as he takes a breath.

Payne - "The autumn leaves have fallen. The season of death is upon us. And how fitting is it that in the season of death, shall be the beginning of the end for several so-called superstars here in New ERA. The card already being announced, and as expected, the childish, and the foolish have already stepped forward to make their bold proclamations. The fact of the matter is this: I don't walk into a wrestling ring without some sort of respect as to what my opponent is capable of. Judging from what I have seen and heard, there are more than a few out there who don't know what I am capable of. So since I'm the..."

Payne raises his hands slowly and makes a double quotes sign.

"...new guy..."

Payne lowers his arms back to their original rest. Leaning back a bit on the turnbuckle, something that could almost pass a smile, a malicious smile, curve his lips slightly upward.

"...I'll inform you."

Payne suddenly hops off the turnbuckle and walks to the center of the ring. Looking up, his eyes meet the camera showing a controlled rage behind his dark irises. The camera shows him from the waist up, his upper body filling almost the entire frame.

"I'm the stranger your mother told you not to talk to. I'm the guy in the corner that no one wants to mess with. I'm the one that makes you decide to stay on the well lit streets at night, and not risk walking down that dark alley. I'm the guy that doesn't care about whether you have money, or that you are a superstar, or that you pretend to be a big shot, or a somebody here in New ERA when the T.V cameras are rolling. I'm the guy who BEAT Chris McMillan in a strap match, with a broken neck. I'm the guy that lit a table on fire and then put Puroresu-san through it. I am the Master of Terror. I am the Dog of War. I am...Jason Payne."

Payne slowly steps towards the camera during his statement so that his entire face covers the screen when he is done. The camera fades to an angle from slightly behind Payne and to his left. Slowly turning, he walks down the side of the ring, dragging his hand on the top rope. A small cloud of dust roils from the top of his hand as he moves. Payne looks off as if looking towards the future, and speaks again.

"I look down the list of participates in this Television Title fiasco, and I see a few familiar names, and alot of unfamiliar names. Just to make sure you all know where you stand with me, I'll run the list."

Payne stops at the corner where he was sitting at before, leaning into it and resting his elbows on the turnbuckle.

"Alister Hayze. Don't know you. Never worked with you. I have however seen your kind before. You want to come out here and talk about that I don't have a chance because I'm a rookiee? Son you had best do your homework because I have been splitting the skulls of young punks like you for the last 12 years. I may not have ever known you, or worked with you, but as a competitor, I am required to respect the fact that you might have what it takes to eliminate me from this Brawl. If you are looking past me to these other so-called superstars, then you have already resigned yourself to watching someone other than you walking out with that TV Title."

"John Doe. This androgynous peice of garbage comes out here, and talks about how he beat Chris McMillan, as if that is supposed to automatically gain him my respect. Truth is, I've beaten McMillan, TWICE. Once with a broken neck. Face facts Johnny. McMillan ain't gonna be in this BattleBrawl. It's gonna be me. And if you can't differentiate between the past, and the present, then it's going to be a short night for you as well."

"Distributor of Pain. Don't know you. Never worked with you. But I have seen your work. You add a bit of a wildcard in this thing because of your violent style. To tell the truth, you could be the darkhorse favorite to win this thing. But know this. I've seen what you are capable of. If you want a shot at taking me down, you better be capable of more than what I can bring to the table. Invest in a VCR, and find some tapes of me and study if you really want to "perfect" the hardcore style."

"El Arco Iris. Don't know you. Never worked with you. You aren't the biggest guy in the battle, but I know better than anyone that I am gonna have to keep an eye on you. I might be able to toss you around like a rag doll, but I know I'm gonna have to get my hands on you first. And if I do get my hands on you, you can kiss your shot at taking that TV Title good-bye."

"Ghostin. Don't know you. Never worked with you. Fact is I don't much about you other than you used to be a cop. You're big, and you're tough. But wrestling ain't like taking down drug dealers in the middle of the night. You better put those police senses to good use because if the opprotunity presents itself, I'm taking you out with extreme prejudice."

"Jack Durden. Never worked with you. Don't know you. But I have studied you recently. You, just like Distributor of Pain, are a wildcard in this thing. Your sadistical mindset means no one is safe. But one thing is for sure, square off with me and I'll send your carcass over that top rope, into a straight jacket, and back to the hellhole you crawled out of. Its gonna take more than just a depraved, unhinged maniac to keep me from winning that television title."

"Jared Wells. Never worked with you, but HAVE heard of you. I know what you are capable of between the ropes. Unlike John Doe, I know you have what it takes to win this thing. But you gotta ask yourself if you have what it takes to get by me? I'm not overlooking anyone in this thing. Make sure you do the same thing"

"Jay. Don't know you. Never worked with you. Bout the only thing I know about you is that you come from near my hometown. But although we share the same Kentucky roots, doesn't mean we are going to be friends when the metal meets the meat. There are no friends in this thing, only enemies. If it comes down between sticking with a fellow Kentuckian and winning the TV Title, you can bet your ass which one I'm going to do."

"Kade Kash. Never worked with you. Don't know you. But I know your type. The guy with a silver spoon in his mouth that inherited all of daddy's money and was so confused about what to do with it, that instead of investing it, or saving it, or giving it to charity, decided he would by some spandex and come play with the big boys. You know, all the guys that I have ran across in this business that have portrayed themselves as millionaires, have all had second jobs as security guards, janitors, and a cashier at Starbucks. You might actually have some ability, but come afoul of me, and not even daddy's money is gonna save you from a helluva hurtin."

"Legend Killer. Don't know ya. Never heard of ya. Anyone starting to see a pattern here? Nevermind. I sure as hell ain't no legend, but that don't mean a damn thing. You and me are after the same goal and I'll be damned if I let you "kill" me to get to the top. Step out of line against me, and you'll find yourself limping to the dressing room, wishing you were back in your backyard wrestling with your little sister."

"Peter File. Don't know ya. Never heard of ya. In all my years of the business though you might be the most honest person I have come across. Actually admitting you live in a box on the street. That not withstanding, you can be rest assured that I am not going to let you win that TV Title, just so you can use it as a pillow at night."

"Phantom Republican. Interesting background you have. Let me be the first to state I am a registered Republican, and was happy to vote for Bush. However, when it comes to stepping into the ring, I don't practice partisan polotics. I am all about equal opprotunity, and given the chance, I'll give you just as much ass kicking as the rest of the guys in this Brawl. Don't think you have a chance of vetoing me. I'll fillabust your ass! And by the way, I heard John Doe voted for Kerry."

"Phil MacIntosh. Never heard of ya. You are about as green as they come business, and part of me almost feels sorry that a kid like you got thrown into a firefight such as this. I said almost. Don't get excited. Fact is, you are going to be looking to prove yourself out there, and that makes you just as dangerous as the rest of em in my eye. You think you got what it takes to stand toe-to-toe with the Dog of War? I invite you to try, but don't get discouraged when I knock you on you ass."

"Trevor Cane. The so-called messenger. I don't know what peice of yourself you hope to find here in this melee, but I can tell you this. If I have to rip you to pieces, and in the process, discover your hidden message, in order to win the TV Title, then so be it. I don't care where you come from, or what you have to prove to yourself, or anyone else. You are just another name on a list of people who I'm gonna have to go through in order to capture that TV Title."

Camera fades into a shot from opposite corner from where Payne is standing. He turns slowly and walks again to the center of the ring. Folding his arms over his chest, he gazes into the camera.

"I may not know who most of you are, but that doesn't mean I count you out. You all are a threat to me and that TV Title, and I will do whatever, and the Lord knows I mean WHATEVER, it takes in order to win. With that in mind. I got a few things I wanna say to the rest of the particpates in this Television Title BattleBrawl."

"Shawn Hart. Though we have never had the pleasure of meeting in a ring, your reputation does preceed you. But don't think for an instant that just because I respect you, doesn't mean I won't beat the living hell out of you. I still have alot to prove of myself in this business. That means that until I feel I have achieved all I can achieve, there is no action I will not do in order to see my dreams fulfilled. If that means I have to fight dirty, then so be it. But in all honesty, I look forward to locking up with you, to find out if the reputation, and the man, are the same thing."

"Jean Rabesque. You are without a doubt one of the finest technicians this business has ever seen. You have earned my respect more times than I can count. Having worked with you in NFW, I know all to well a lot of your ins and outs. However me and you have never truly crossed paths, as only two wrestlers can. You call yourself the finest wrestling technician in the world, and you can back it up. But I am one of the toughest son of a bi*** you could ever dream of fighting. It doesn't matter if it comes down to the two of us, because if I even get my hands on you, I am going to give you everything I have got. I know you will do the same to me, and I wouldn't expect less. If I were a betting man, I would say you got the best shot of winning this thing. But if I have a say in it, you're going to be watching in the back on the monitor while I walk out of the arena as the new Television Champion."

"Cameron Cruise. Like Rabesque, you have also earned my respect. I have seen what you can do in a ring. And I have even tasted a little bit of what you can dish out. I know you are probably going to be looking for payback after our last encounter, and that's fine. I got my reasons for doing what I did. I don't play favorites in this business Cameron. I know many, respect a few, and trust none in this business. If you want to take your shot at me, then you take your shot. But I will return the favor Cameron. Count on it. You're not "Cruising" to a victory in this one. I'll make damned sure you earn every minute of it."

Camera fades to a shot showing the entire ring, with Payne standing in the center with his back to the camera. Payne slowly turns around, and walks towards the ropes as the camera slowly zooms in on him.

"And that leaves just one doesn't it? MWG. Im not sure how someone of your...stature...became the number one contender. One thing is for sure, you have a huge bullseye on you now. 19 other guys are lined up to take that Television Title. You might be the last guy that enters the fight, and thats fine by me, but I guarantee you one thing. If you find yourself staring down the Dog of War, you had better bring everything that got you this far, because anything less, and I'll send your androgynous carcass back to whatever psych ward you crawled out of."

Camera zooms in on Jason's Payne face.

"The stage is set gentlemen. Enjoy this spotlight while you can. Time is quickly ticking down and when it is up, you are going to find the Dog of War at the top of the pile, holding the Television Title. Everyone wants to spout off at the mouth about how they are the top dog in this sport. Well, go right ahead. Knock yourself out. When you find yourself face to face with me, you'll realize just what a top dog is. But by then, it will be too late. This dog, will have found his bone and have gone home."

Camera fades on the close-up. FTB

 

[TH]

The scene is Republican Party headquarters in Seattle. In the background, we see a giant navy tapestry with a white serif "W" on it. In the foreground stands GOP, wearing his mask and a formal suit.

GOP: We have done it! Victory is ours. Not only has the Grand Ole' Party retained the Presidency in resounding fashion, but we have kept a hold in the Senate, ensuring that morality and righteousness will continue to be enforced in this land. No bigger victory was won for this country in the last thirty years than the victory won on November the second.

However, I cannot bask in this glorious celebration, even though my efforts, both on the campaign trail and in the wrestling ring, in no small part had their roles in the big Republican revolution. No, for November 2nd might very well have just lasted these weeks leading up to BattleBRAWL. For now, I am entered in a bitter fight for the Television Championship of New ERA. Myself and 18 other men will enter the ring in the Key Arena, and only one man will exit with the Television Championship. One man... one man will control the airwaves, one man will be the example on the most powerful medium in the country, and I plan on that man being me.

Through superior in-ring campaigning, I will ensure that I leave Seattle with the Television Championship. When I am the Television Champion, I will make sure that TV is only a medium for decency, morality and American justice. No longer will the viewing populace of America be exposed to trashy vignettes featuring towel clad adultresses seducing amoral football players. No longer will there be excessive vulgarity on prime time when the impressionable youth of America will be tuning in. ANd no longer will the questionable character of people like Madonna Wayne Gossard or Alister Hayze pollute the collective mind and soul of this great country.

But GOP, you may ask, what of your competition? Well, I liken the field to George W. Bush's challengers, and they were numerous, during this tumultuous election season. Those who have the power and the means to defeat me, they lack the moral fiber and the raw determination to unseat me. Like the dirty Democrats they are, they vacillate and waver, catering to whatever those they think are liberal want to hear. THey have no convictions, and that's why tehy will fail. And then you have your several third party candidates. You have your hippies like Hayze, your Libertarians like Jason Payne, your COmmunists like Jonathan Marx and John Doe and your other various smatterings of whackjob radicals who would do nothing but tear this country from its foundations. Luckily, much like their national counterparts, they don't have the means, the funds, the raw talents to defeat me.

Much like the country gave George W. Bush the mandate to run the country in a morally sound way, New ERA has given me the mandate to take the Television Title, restore prestige to it and make the medium it represents wholesome again. And much like Mr. Bush received the most votes in this nation's history, I will use the most force in wrestling history to take it if necessary.

Because if you thought the MOAB I dropped on John Doe at RAUCOUS was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Fade to the Republican Party Elephant logo

GOP Voice-over: I'm Gordon O. Powell, the Phantom Republican, and I approve this message.

Fade

 

[John Doe]

Chain Reaction

FADEIN

John Doe skips across the screen. After about a couple seconds pass we see him skip the other direction. Finally he hops into focus of the cameras. He has a smile on his face and is wearing a DREDD shirt. "Live For The Moment" by Monster Magnet starts to play in the background

DOE:

“Thank you Cameron Cruise! We love to think that this whole match is focused on me, hell it makes me feel very important knowing that I am your main focus in life. You obsessive little prick. So what was the point of your assault? To prove a point? That point being? AND WE HAVE NO RESPOND! Cameron….

SURVEY SAYS:

YOU’RE AN IDOT!”

“And for the rest of your brigade of friends being, Jason Payne, so on so forth. Thank you for mimicking the same promotion idea I had, it is great to see that the world REALLY does want to be like John Doe. Hell, if I was you I would want to be me too! But to the greatest part of it all, we got the ever so infamous, GOP with his disgusting republican ways, that make no sense, and yet here I am in the midst of it, EVERYONES center of focus.

Hot Damn! It feels good to be in the back of everyone’s mind. See I put out the first promotion and everyone in the organization attacks me. Let me all tell you something, while you are all battling amongst yourselves and beating the hell out of each other. I plan on sitting watching and waiting. Then when you morons are done beating the hell out of each other I will toss each one of you over that rope.”

“Why? Because I am John Doe! I was the first to compete for a title. And for d*ck cheeses’ like Cruise to say that I don’t deserve a title is more insane then my own thinking habits. Cameron, when did u ever hold a championship gold? Hmm? Ah, I guess you haven’t have you. Like I said before, The Cameron Cruise Project, that was non of your work, as far as I saw it, Melton got the gold, you were not the “All star” of you two, just the clean up man”

“And I don’t deserve a title? Hell, I have come farther in my months of wrestling then you have your entire career, I have defeated Benjamin, I came inches to defeating Brown. And yet, you have the balls to come out here and say I do not deserve a title. Screw you Cruise, screw you and your d*mn thinking, your d*mn thought process. Because I earned a shot at the title just as much as you have, or anyone else for that matter, I worked as hard as you have, sometimes harder, I put my body, career on the line every time, just like you. If you bust me up ,do I not bleed? , just like you, do I not tap out in certain moves just like you? If I fail do I not regret it, then I shall follow the same example of a “veteran wrestler” proving I deserve a title shot.”

“As for Jason Payne, now you are a whole other story. You beat McMillan twice? Great [mocking clap]. And once with a broken neck?! Shocking! Not really, as for I care you could have beat him if stumps as legs. Cause frankly, ’The Wolf” is not all that great. So if you want to base your whole career over the fact you beat Chris, so be it, hell if that is your high point, your great accomplishment then who am I to stop you?”

“The point is, I am not “The Wolf” I am not no sorry excuse for a wrestler, every time I get in that ring I give every once of my energy, so when you come out here and say that my time is coming short, well I like to say, your wrong. Frankly I don’t care. And there are a lot of things I don’t care about, you can talk all you want I won’t care. But this title, this match, I care about, and that is big. It is bigger than you, it is bigger than me, it is a chance to show who can be a champ, and that champ will be me Jason.”

“So go ahead talk about jean Rabesque, talk about that ex TV champ, because just like you his time is coming to a close at Battle Brawl. Just cause I am a new guy to the sights of you older men, doesn’t mean sh*t. I battle just as hard as each one of you, and in the end I plan on walking out with a title around my waist.”

“Hayze, thanks for stealing my tag line. Glad to know those drugs are effecting your mental ability. Truly shows what happens to a man short of some brain cells. All in all keep doing your drugs your devotional state in where you think you can defeat you may just stay. And when you do come back from your power “trip” and notice that there is no title around your arms, that you are a COMPETE failure and a shame to all of us men who try to be the best, I want to knock on my door, look at my title and say, you were right John.”

John looks at his watch

“Ah! Tea time with Jonathan Marx and Jacobs”

“BACK TO YOU”

John gives the middle finger

“F*CKERS!”

FADEOUT

 

[NotorisSTD]

drowning in apathy

(DISCLAIMER) - The following has very little to do with the upcoming NEW PPV. The inside jokes will be funny to two or three people. For the most part, the regular jokes aren't funny at all. Worse yet, this promo contains descriptions of hot girl on girl action, graphic violence, and just a little bit of necrophilia. Lotta cursing too.

There's edgy. Then there's offensive. Then there's just crass and juvenile and really stupid. But then again, Beavis and Butthead were responsible for the deaths of many children. Even though it's not as funny as Beavis and Butthead, The following may soon be responsible for the deaths of your children.

dick and fart jokes kill.

This is not for you.

......................................


"They said my first CD was my best one. And all my other sh*t was disappointing at best." - Jimmy Urine.

(We're at Krist Blue's crappy studio apartment, somewhere in Boston. MWG is lying on a couch someone tried to throw out, wearing a "Sorry ladies, I'm GAY" T-shirt and jeans...No make up, hair mussed, just got out of bed...Krist Blue is wearing a "Leftover Crack - Shoot the Kids at school" T-shirt, hair wet with aluminous foil folded in certain parts she's dying, long black skirt, idly reading the "weekly dig" tabloid mag. MWG is staring blankly at the TV, which is tuned into whatever's on VH1....)

"america's sweetheart"

Hey Em.

"the american idol"
"the hardcore legend"
"The #1 contender"

Yeah?

BLUE: Lookit. (hands him the newspaper) They ran my ad in the back.

MWG: (looks it over) nice.

BLUE: Think I should've maybe sent a better picture?

MWG: S'an okay picture.

BLUE: yeah, but my makeup's all smeared around my eyes. I thought it wouldn't show in print, but it does.

MWG: Yeah, but that's sort of your thing. You're not one of the "articulate, intelligent, alluring" blonde chicks. You're more like the freaky chick, y'know? They expect you to be a little messy.

BLUE: Yeah, I guess. But escort chicks are supposed to be classy.

MWG: that's just what I'm saying. Like...here, lookit the rest of these adds? Broke college chicks. 250$ an hour. And no where in these adds do they guarantee these girls are supposed to f*ck their johns.

BLUE: Well...that's the idea, right?

MWG: Eh...If they're working for an actual escort service, I'm guessing it's the same as at strip clubs. Sort of an unspoken thing, y'know? Like, some of them will give head or whatever if they're paid extra, but they're not really supposed to. I'm sure they do most of the time. But if they don't what's the john supposed to do? Call the cops?

BLUE:...hmmm...y'know what I should do? Run another ad, and have it read specifically that I WILL f*ck my johns if they give me money.

MWG: mkay. G'luck with that, hun.

(MWG hands the weekly dig back to Blue. Blue tosses it aside and lights a cigarette...MWG sighs. A few seconds pass.)

BLUE: What's wrong eM?

MWG: I donno.

BLUE: I found a bunch of pills in the medicine cabinet at a house party last night. Y'wanna crunch them up and put them in your nose?

MWG: (sigh)....I don't know. Drugs have gotten so passe.

BLUE: (stares blankly) Whatever do you mean?

MWG: I mean, I was doing them and it was like my thing. Now it's everybody's thing. Even Sean Edmunds was on TV this morning trying to fake like he wasn't coming off a sh*tload of uppers.

BLUE: Yeah I thought that was kinda weird. It's all Felix's fault. When you were talking about drugs in your promo interviews people just thought it was weird. But Felix does it and suddenly it's wicked friggin' fashionable. S'like...why's everybody all about Felix? He's such a dick.

MWG: Yeah, he's a horrific dick. But he's in WFW, which is a good show. We're in NEW, which is totally lame.

BLUE: You were on GLCW. That was a pretty good show.

MWG: Yeah. But they refused to push me past the midcard, cuz I'm gay.

BLUE: Oh, that's so typical, right? F*cking backstage politics and homophobes.

MWG: Plus I was hooked on meth.

BLUE: Well. whatever. s'still a load.

MWG: Yeah.

(Another few seconds pass. Shaynaia Twain is on VH1, talking about a movie she saw.)

BLUE: Well fine then. I'M going to go crunch up those pills and put them in my nose.

MWG: okeedokee. Let me know how that goes.

(Blue wanders off. MWG stares at the TV for a while longer. Then the buzzer goes off.)

MWG: Damnit.

(The camera follows MWG as he gets up and walks over to the buzzer, maybe 10 feet away from where he's sitting. MWG hits the little talk button....)

MWG: Hello?

(CRACKLING VOICE): Hey (crack)-ts (crack)-lee. (crack)st home?

(MWG sighs, and hits the button to buzz whoever this is in. Then he lies back down and resumes watching VH1...A few seconds pass, and Ashlee Simpson bursts through the door in a denim mini skirt and a "I like boys who vote!" T-shirt...)

ASHLEE SIMPSON: Hieeee!!

MWG: Hello.

ASHLEE: Ohmigawd. You're Em Dubbya!! The wrestler!!

MWG: (perks up) Ashlee Simpson!! I totally adore you!! You're one of my idols!! I swear t'god.

ASHLEE: (blushes) thanks.

MWG: Don't worry about that whole SNL thing. You'll totally bounce back.

ASHLEE: What do you mean?

MWG: I mean, like, okay, I've humiliated myself on national television like a bah-zillion times, and I've never let it stand in my way.

ASHLEE: Uh...right. Where's Krist?

MWG: I think she's in her room snorting things. I can't believe she knew you and never told me.

ASHLEE: um, she doesn't actually know me. Y'see I'm in Boston for like, a day before I have to leave in the morning for an autograph thingy at a Wal-Mart opening in Nebraska, so I like, saw her ad, and used my telepathic powers to see that she was this totally open and tender person, and I realized I'm 15 years old and I've never eaten another girls a$$hole out. So I came here.

MWG: I can't believe you're actually here!! (calls to the unseen rooms) Krist!! Krist!! Get out here right now!!

(Krist Blue stumbles back into the room sniffling)

BLUE: Oh my god!!! ASHLEE SIMPSON IS IN MY APARTMENT!!!

SIMPSON: It's so good to meet you Krist. Can I give you 1000 dollars to lick your a$$hole?

(Krist's jaw drops)

BLUE: This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

(Krist pulls her skirt down (she's not wearing underwear), spins around, and spreads her ass cheeks apart. Ashlee Simpson giggles, drops to her knees, and buries her face up Krist's bum...MWG watches with deep intellectual
interest for a few minutes...then gets distracted by VH1, where the guy who played the fat kid in Goonies is talking about how he's really into Motley Crue...Then the Buzzer rings again.)

KRIST: (moans) Oh god...um...eM, baby? Could you find out who that is and maybe tell them it's not...oh...um, y'know, a good time?

MWG: Okay.

(the camera follows MWG over to the buzzer again. We can hear Krist moaning and all that in the background...MWG hits the little talkee button.)

MWG: Hello?

(nothing can be heard on the other end but static. MWG hits the button to buzz them upstairs. Then he sits back down and watches VH1 while Krist starts playing with the little pink spot between her legs while Ashlee Simpson licks and sucks on her anus...Then "the Child Prodigy" Johnny Havens, the best FW character of all time walks in the door.)

BLUE: Oh god...damnit, (gasps) eM...I told you to tell whoever it was to f*ck off!!

(Ashlee Simpson jumps up, embarrassed and confused...)

SIMPSON: Oh my god!! I um...

BLUE: No...keep going. It's fine.

SIMPSON: Um...but wh--

BLUE: Do it b*tch!! Lick my a$$hole!!

SIMPSON:....'kay.

(Ashlee Simpson kneels back down and continues the rimjob. Havens just stares.)

MWG: Hiya Johnny Boy.

HAVENS: Um....s'at?

MWG: Yeah. Ashlee Simpson.

HAVENS: Huh. Okay.

MWG: Want a beer or something?

HAVENS: No...I think I'm good. (Havens sits down on the couch next to MWG) Wow, ya'll'd never see a show like this back in Texas.

MWG: That's why you should move to a liberal state like this one. what the f*ck are you doing in Boston, anyway?

HAVENS: Not sure. Ever since I got hooked on angel dust I lose big blocks of time. Last thing ah 'member it was July and I was at a hockey game somewhere...I think Toronto. I came down three hours ago, found a phone book, looked up everyone I knew who might have s'more angel dust, and here I am. Ya'll don't happen t'have any angel dust, do ya?

MWG: Um...I donno. I think we had some formaldehyde a while ago. Maybe there's more somewhere. You can look around or whatever.

HAVENS: Ah um...feel strangely compelled to stay in this room for a while.

MWG: Y'know...you can beat off if you want. I wont mind. (MWG stares at Havens, smirking...Havens stares back, mildly horrified.)

HAVENS: Naw I'm ah...ya know. All the PCP kinda ruined mah johnson's usefulness. S'still fun t'watch, but ah canh't really...y'know.

MWG: Well maybe we can do something about that. Wake the little pecker up.

HAVENS: Lookeehere parndner...Ah had a conservative Christian upbringing. I'm not saying compromises haven't been made, but if ya'll isn't gittin' offada couch to find me some PCP, ya'll isn't gonna watch me masturbate.

MWG: (sighs) have it your way.

(maybe 20 seconds pass. Krist has pulls her shirt off by this point, and has her hands under her bra, twisting her nipples while Ashlee Simpson keeps eating her brown eye out.)

MWG: still following wrestling at all?

HAVENS: Huh?

MWG: Wrestling. Still watching?

HAVENS: Oh...um...well. Ah'm not sure. ya'lls in GLCW these days, right?

MWG: I think that was a few years ago. I'm in NEW now.

HAVENS: What's all that like?

MWG: aw. Y'know. They're screwing me. I was supposed to be TV champion like three times. But now I gotta win a stupid royal rumble rip off match.

HAVENS: Wow. Lot's changed. Ya'll was more of a world title sorta dood back when ah still had the ability to perceive linear time.

MWG: (sighs) Yeah.

HAVENS: So who else is in this royal rumble thing?

MWG: Um...a lot of people you wouldn't know. A lot of people I don't even know, in fact.

HAVENS: Well what're their names?

MWG: Um...Alister Hayze...John Doe...Jared Wells...El Arco Iris...The Phantom Republican...Um....Mr. Pain.

HAVENS: Jayson Payne?

MWG: Right. S'm of them are pretty good I guess. John Doe's even dumber than you are though. He said scene "s," "c," "e," "n," "e," when he meant to say seen, "s," "e," "e," "n"...

HAVENS: Huh?...

MWG: He said "scene" as in "The scene of the crime," instead of "seen," as in "I've seen Ashlee Simpson eat ass."

HAVENS: But...them two words sound 'sactly the same when you say them. How could you tell if he used incorrect spellin' when he didn't actually spell the word? He merely spoke it.

MWG: Shut up. My point is all my opponents are on TV and they're all like "Eh...you better stay out of my way cuz buh buh buh. I'm gonna be TV champion." And s'like...guy-eeee. Y'know? I mean only ONE of us is gonna win, right? So out of everybody in the thing, only one of us is gonna turn out to NOT be wrong.

HAVENS: So?

MWG: So it's wicked like...I donno. I beat Suicide 'n I'm prolly indirectly responsible for how afterwards he drank two handles of Jim Beam and decided to have a drag race against himself. At night. While it was raining. Then I lost to Alex Bordon and then he mysteriously vanished. And it's all so silly. So very very silly. What's the point of dancing around and saying things when it's like we have so little control over our destiny?

HAVENS: So...Does ya'll still intend to go on TV and say you're gonna murder everyone cuz you're so super?

MWG: I suppose. But s'like, why not say something like oogly boogly er something? Y'know?

HAVENS: So say oogly boogly.

MWG: Maybe I will.

BLUE: Wow. Orgasms kick ass when they're induced only by stimulation of the anus.

SIMPSON: Tee hee.

BLUE: (Pulls her skirt back up) Thanks Ashlee. I'll eat your ***** or whatever in a minute. Right now I have to go find that formaldehyde and take a shower.

SIMPSON: Kay.

(Krist walks off)

HAVENS: She better git back quick ya'll. If Ah don't get nicely dusted soon, I may just have to take mah own life. (Pulls gun from pants)

MWG: Aw, don't do that John John!! You've got um...stuff to live for. Or something.

HAVENS: I don't have anything to live for now except for the numbing, mental gobble-te-goop of a PCP hayze.

MWG: Ashlee Simpson! Not to um, be commanding american royalty or anything, um, but you should give "the child prodigy" Johnny Havens a hummer! He seems depressed.

ASHLEE SIMPSON: Okay.

(Ashlee crawls over to Johnny Havens, pulls his pants down and goes to work. It's noteworthy that all the camera shot gets is the back of Ashlee's head bobbing to and fro. MWG and Havens are both staring at the TV, still
tuned to VH1, where Rachael Leigh Cook is talking about one time when she saw a doggie.)

HAVENS: Rachael Leigh Cook is hot.

MWG: Yeah. Y'know she's actually the scarlet woman? The harlot, foretold by the enochain angels? One of the harbingers of the apocalypse?

HAVENS: Really?

MWG: I donno. Alister Crowley told me that a few days ago. But if he's so smart why is he dead?

HAVENS: Good point.

(The buzzer rings again)

KRIST (off camera): eM hun? Could you get that?!

MWG: ergh...(gets up, goes to the buzzer, and hits the button...then sits back down.)

MWG: (Turns to Havens) How's the hummer working out?

HAVENS: Well, like ah said, mah nerve endings don't register much nowadays. But mah dick's hard even if I can't really feel it.

MWG: Must be like a residual memory thing.

HAVENS: Yeah. I guess.

(Felix Red, in a "Wells - Bastard son of wrestling" T-shirt and dickies bursts in.)

"the boy who destroyed the world"
Okay...somebody tell me where the f*ck my blockbuster card is right now.

MWG: Oh please. No "Hi Madonna Wayne. Thanks for my career?" No, "Sorry I got to be a huge star and you became a joke just because I'm not gay, here have some money and drugs?" That's the greeting I deserve from you, you smelly hair having little punk b*tch.

RED: Shut the f*ck up "Madonna." (notices Havens) Oh. Hey Johnny.

HAVENS: What up?

RED: Hey, isn't that Ashlee Simpson sucking you off?

HAVENS: Pretty much. Yup.

RED: Alright! (high fives Havens)

HAVENS: So what's all this about a blockbuster card?

RED: Krist still has my blockbuster card from before we broke up. I got sent a court summons cuz Blockbuster's suing me cuz Krist kept renting movies and not returning them. They're saying I owe five grand in late fees.

MWG: Yeah. The day it came out, She rented every copy of Saved they had, so she could watch it on as many screens as possible simultaneously.

RED:.....

MWG: Yeah. Rounding up 10 computer monitors, 16 TV/VCRs, and 20 TV/DVDs was surprisingly simple.

RED:....

MWG: She's still got them all in her room. Along with four or five copies of "Jersey Girl" from different Blockbuster's locations. They all only had one copy each, y'see.

RED: (shivering with rage) I'll f*cking kill her. I swear I'll shove my hand up her snatch, rip out her ovaries and feed them to her.

MWG: Wash your hand after you do that.

HAVENS: Is that even where the ovaries are?

MWG: I would think so. Is there a biology book around here somewhere?

(Krist, now in bathrobe, walks back into the room)

BLUE: FELIX!!! What the f*ck are YOU doing here?!?!

RED: (yell of unhinged staggering hate) GIVE ME BACK MY BLOCKBUSTER CARD YOU STUPID WHORE!!!!

BLUE: (appalled screech of horror and loathing) NO!!! F*CK YOU!!! I LIKE RENTING MOVIES!!!! IT'S FUN!!!

RED: GET YOUR OWN F*CKING CARD!!!

BLUE: I CAN'T!!! I DON'T HAVE A SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER YOU BASTARD!!!

RED: THEN TELL THEM YOU RENTED ALL THOSE F*CKING MOVIES!!!! THEY THINK I DID IT, AND NOW THEY WANT THE MONEY FOR THEM!!!

BLUE: (throws a plate a Felix. Felix knocks it to the floor midair. MWG and Havens are watching VH1, where Pink is talking about a wart she had on her toe one time) THAT WAS THE IDEA, IDIOT!!! S'NOT LIKE YOU DON'T
HAVE THE F*CKING MONEY!!!

RED: Yeah well. (pulls out a switch blade) That's it then.

BLUE: Oh, what?! You're gonna KILL ME now? (throws another plate. This one catches Felix in the forehead. Looks like it kinda hurts.) You don't have the SACK. C'mon!!! STAB ME!!! PUT THE F*CKING KNIFE IN MY HEART!!! I F*CKING DOUBLE F*CKING DARE F*CKING YOU, YOU PIECE OF REEKING GOAT SH*T!!!

HAVENS: Uh. Hey. Sorry t’interupt, but did ya'll find any PCP?

BLUE: Oh, uh, no. I think we already smoked it all. Sorry Johnny.

HAVENS: Ah. (sighs) Oh well. (puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. There's the customary "BANG" sound, and "The child prodigy" Johnny Havens's brains are splattered all over the wall behind him. There's a moment
of silence...then Blue screams. MWG jumps off the couch and backs off screeching. Felix keeps looking like he's about to say something, then stops, and starts to say something else. Ashlee Simpson apparently hasn't noticed any of this.)

BLUE: OHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD!!!! OHMIGOD....(starts sobbing)

RED: Hmmm. Um....That was, uh...Wow. (laughs nervously)

BLUE: A DEAD GUY IS IN MY APARTMENT!!!

SIMPSON: (pulls the dick out of her mouth) Huh?

MWG: Um...Ashlee, sweetee? J-Just come over here for a minute and sit by me. Johnny's had an accident.

SIMPSON: (looks up from the floor) Oh. I thought it was weird that he came his soul instead of sperm...

MWG:...What?

SIMPSON: Yeah. He must've died upon the exact moment of ejaculation. His soul came out his weiner, and now it's in my tummy. (giggles) That's funny.

MWG: Well...sweet jesus. What are you going to do with his soul?

SIMPSON: Oh. (grins) bad stuff. Real bad stuff. (stands and wipes off her knees) Well, Wal-mart and a legion of adoring fans await. I'll catch ya'll around. (Blows the room a kiss and skips out the door.)

RED: Yeeeeah. I think I gotta go practice my spin kicks...or conspire to enslave everyone in WFW...or something.

BLUE: (takes a blockbuster card out of her purse on the table and hands it to Red, and folds her arms in the defense posture.) There y'go, dick face. Now f*ck off.

RED: Um. Look, you know I wasn't really gonna stab you, right?

BLUE: Yeah. I know.

(Red half smiles at Krist, nods to MWG, then leaves.)

BLUE: Heaven forbid the f*cker stay to help us dispose of a corpse.

MWG: Well...I guess we can chop it into little pieces and carry him out a little at a time. Or fill the bathtub with lye and dissolve him in there....We could just call the cops?

BLUE: Yeah. But before we did that we'd have to do ALL the drugs here.

MWG: Hey Alister Crowley. What do YOU think we should do?

(ghost of Alister Crowley appears)

CROWLEY: As thou wilt.

MWG: Yeah, but what the f*ck is that?

CROWLEY: Um...sing it to the tune of faggot faggot faggot?

MWG: Oh, you're no help.

CROWLEY: I like this apartment. It smells nice. And I'm incorporeal, so that's really saying something.

MWG: Yes. Wonderful. Well, lets put Johnny in a garbage bag and throw him off the roof into the ally.

(CUTTO: MWG and Krist heave a garbage bag full of Johnny Havens's dead bits off the roof, into the ally bellow. A small pack of starving Vietnamese slave girls from the spa across the street descend upon the bag, rip it to shreds, and devour the meaty pulp within. MWG and Krist Blue look on, both smoking cigarettes, with gazes of bitter sweet remorse and hope...)

KRIST: So...

MWG:....Yeah?

KRIST: Y'gonna win the TV title?

MWG: Yeah. Prolly. How 'bout you? You gonna win the women's title?

KRIST: What women's title?

MWG: Oh...nevermind. (chuckles warmly)

........................................................................................................
VH1, Ashlee Simpson, and Alister Crowley are all registered trademarks of the Viacom Corporation.

Johnny Havens is a registered trademark of Dave Bethune.

 

[John Doe]

Yeap

FADE IN…

John is walking down Time Square. He is smoking a Marlboro Red as he stops in front of Virgin Music. John walks in to the store looking around and then heads up to the gaming area. John sits on a chair that is in the store as he looks at the camera.

“Powerful words always come from powerful people. I have proven my power to all and the rewards and evidence are all around us to see. I am God among men and destruction is my calling card. See, everyone that is involved in this match at Battle Brawl for the TV Title, some of you have not had the pleasure of meeting me in the ring others of you have, and you know exactly what I can do in that ring at anytime. “

“I envy most of you really, I do because some of you have been in this business for a long time and know what a title shot is all about. You veterans now what a title can do to your career. And to eliminate the rookies in the beginning will only make it easier to accomplish your goals.. “

“Sometimes I wish I can share that feeling, of being a veteran, of knowing what it is like to hold a title. But I will be able to feel some sort of the rush because I am meeting and grappling with something beyond my capabilities. “

“But I head into the ring with another man, a man that I have beating before, a man that I lost next to for the TV title before. MWG, a man that has the number one contendership next to his name. And this week, on live TV the man has a chance to win a title, that he has worked to be a contender for. But will he be able to accomplish that? No. Will he be able to touch championship gold? No.”

“Why, because there is one man that is going to stop him, that man being me. I will step forth and deny MWG of being able to win that TV title. You may find yourself asking: “Why do I wish to stop him of his goals?” Well maybe because the TV title is the one title that I have worked to earn since I stepped foot in New Era. See, the TV title was the very first title I wanted to win. And all in all I am going to win that title one way or another”

“Being the fact that I don’t trust anyone except me and Marx. I plan on making sure I walkout the champion. And if that means I have to cheat, if I have to bend and or break the rules, so be it. I was never one that believed in cheating, but if it is to stop a man from becoming a champion, if it comes between me and gold. Then hell, cheating is all I know”

“If MWG thinks him talking to Krist is doing him any good what so ever then he is wrong. Anything that that man says is wrong. Why? Because being the fact he is gay he should not be a champion. Why? Because kids that watch New Era look up to their champions, they want to be just like them. And we are going to allow, MWG, a homosexual compete for a title, nonetheless try to win a title? I will not stand for it.”

“As far as I am concerned I am going to stop MWG in his tracks, I am going to be the one who eliminates him from the match. Not for my own good, not for the good of the other wrestlers, but for the kids. The ones that don’t want to see MWG win, or for the future, for the ones who if they think being gay is ok because of MWG’s influence as a champion.”

“With every last breath in my body I will stand against it. I will go out to my every limb to see that it does NOT happen. And in the end I will become a champion. In the end I will rise as a star. Not as a Cameron Cruise, not as a Jason Payne. But as a great, as a legend, my quest for glory is on it’s path and I plan on reaching the end of it at Battle Brawl”

“My goals haven’t changed, my thoughts remain exactly the same. Cruise? Not a problem, an easy swift defeat will come upon him. Not because I am arrogant of full of myself. Because I know he does not have the skill to keep up with m. Because I know he does not have the heart to become a champion, and I will stop him just like I am going to stop MWG.”

“Cruise, consider Battle Brawl a personal vendetta for me. For that time you screwed me over at RAUCOUS. Consider it all a pay back, and a time for me to show you exactly why I am the damn best this business has ever had”

“And that’s why I deserve a title, that’s why I am going to win the title. Not because I am better than everyone on the roster. Not because I have more skill, talent, because I have more heart. Because I have what it takes to go above and beyond what my own body can take. Who else will going and do a Shoot Star Press of a top of cage like I did in EPW. Who else do you know that would put his own body, career, and life on the line just for the amusement of a couple fans. No one.”

“And that’s my cause, those are my goals, that’s what makes me a top notch star, and above the rest of you. And that is what is going to make me the champion. That is what my drive is all about. And when it comes down tot he last of us. Well, I am more conditioned and better off then the whole lot of you.”

“MWG, your time is ending quick, and it is coming to a close. With Cruises’ and with Paynes’. Prepare for the night of your life gentlemen. The night John Doe was finally crowned TV Champion”

“Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving…..”

FADEOUT

 

[TSiegel]

(OORP: This takes place on Thanksgiving.)

(Fadein, as Cameron Cruise, dressed in blue jeans and a dark blue dress shirt, sits back in a lounge chair back at his home watching the Television as the Dallas Cowboys play Thanksgiving Football against the Chicago Bears. The game breaks to a commercial as Cruise stands up out of his chair and stretches, noticing the camera. In the backround Mercedes prepares to set the table for dinner.)

CC: My goodness, you're early!! Carter and Mercy's friend Karla isn't due over for another hour!! You sure you wanna do this now??

(The camera "nods* in comfirmation and Cruise lowers his head abit.)

I'm sure the both of them will be most dissapointed, but hey....a man's gotta keep his word, so let's get to it.

(The camera follows Cruise as he walks out toward the Garage.)

CC: I see that John...Doe....you know...a deer...a female deer?? Anyway, it seems that a man can't quite take a day or so break much less a breath without him getting dug more and more deeper into holes he can't get out of.

(Cruise shakes his head, "tisking*)

CC: I never thought I'd see the day where a self-proclaimed "God" got buried in the same hole he dug. I guess there is a first for everything though, as his contradiction's never cease to amaze me.

Doe, before you go off and talk to Harvey again or before you lose your memory....allow me a moment to implore your patience.

As thin as it is, I'll do my best to make this quick, but no promises.

One. I've held more Championship title's than you've an actual "ATTENTION SPAN". It's not my fault your (BLEEP!)'d up mind can't think straight to figure out what they were.

Two. You're right in that Melton's an Allstar. After Sixteen years and multiple championships, I'd like to think that there wouldn't be one arena in this great nation of ours that wouldn't think him not to be one.

But I suppose your lack of knowledge goes a long way as you calling me a "cleanup man"...in the world of Professional Baseball....that's a compliment. I'm sure that my call to Barry Bonds over in San Francisco will be much appreciated.

Three. You following an example of a veteran wrestle hardly qualifies for ANYTHING now-a-days. Case in point: You got tutored by Troy Douglas and now stand behind Jonathan Marx, both leaders in their own rights and privilages, but BOTH at least oh for two or oh for three against me. I've beaten them either cleanly, or at an advantage that they were not aware of, just like Mister Powell did last week against you.

You "Forgot" about your match and saw me in the audience, and Mister Powell took advantage of you, plain an' simple. A so-called "Veteran" unless otherwise indicated, would know better. The ones that you've followed haven't beaten me once....that unless you count Marx's winning the NFW's Regular Season.

Hell, I just wanted to see you in action, for the sake of giving a "God" a benefit of the doubt.

(Cruise grins as he reaches into a nearby freezer for a beer.)

But I guess my original assessment.

YOU are NOTHING if not INFALLIBLE.

You say that you've been planning to win the Television Championship ever since you had your cherry popped in NEW?? Son, you've been battling one-on-one and triple threat matches and Tag matches since that timespan has elapsed and gotten you're (BLEEP!) kicked...

What makes you think that taking on EIGHTTEEN OTHER MEN is going to make much of a difference??

Kid, if you got thrown around with less than five men in the ring, then in all honesty, you being in the same ring with any more than that much less ME....

Not a pretty picture, let me put it to you that way.

As far as anything else you've got to say...son you think that EVERY match is a personal vendetta to you, so let me ask you again....

What makes this one any different??

By the way....I would highly advise you DON'T make any references to requests of anyone else other than YOU putting your PATHETIC body on the line.

'Cuz I've got quite the laundry list of names that would very much like to take exception to that, as well as the same things I do in what you have to say.

Not that an amnesia-ridden' punk kid makes an impact on peoples' mind anyway.

(Cruise walks back into the house, taking a sip of his beer as he continues back to the living room he was in before. Sitting down now, in front of a folding table of chips, salsa, crackers and other snacks, he takes one more sip of his beer before setting it down.)

CC: Jason Payne. A man who's moniker as one of the "Dog's of War" is in his own right, a man with skill true to the nickname, you're right.

I'm not particularly happy about what had happened in Boston, but I say again....

You're right.

What happened was just business. For me to just about all but assume you would let me over was about as pathetic as the phone bill Joey Melton racks up whenever we go stay in a hotel. It was a bonehead move to make and I've learned from it.

Just don't expect the same thing to work twice.

Like you, I'm expecting afew of us won't see very much TRUE competition, as competitors' like us are concerned. I've faced alot of men of your type before so you won't be anything new to me. In fact, hell, we might put on quite the show for the fans, even make it one to remember, just like Chris an' I did for All-Star week.

But if there's one thing I can guarantee you of, it's that of a small token of dissapointment I have resolved to show the world, if I don't get my money's worth of competition but still end up with the title.

Because when it's all said and done, whether or not you're a public-known-toughman, an amnesiac with a vendetta against the world that owns him, or just a "Freak on a leash"....if I have things go my way....

It's just another REALITY CHECK that almost two dozen men just....won't like.

(fadeout.)

 

[TH]

ONce again, we're at Seattle Republican Party headquarters, where GOP is standing in front of the W tapestry, still dressed to the nines.

GOP: You know, perhaps I was wrong when I said I would be the only Republican in the ring. Or maybe the only person caliber of being a Republican in the ring, I should say, because I don't know what Cameron Cruise's political affiliation is.

However, I am impressed to see this man's ferocity at going after Commies. His fervor for the known Communist John Doe is surpassed only by that of the late, great Sen. McCarthy.

I also owe him a great deal of gratitude as his slush fund donations at the last RAUCOUS helped me defeat John Doe. It almost pains me that I have to subdue him in order to gain teh Television Title.

Alas though, politics is full of backstabbing and infighting. HOwever, I hope to make this a minimum and I extend an invitation to Mr. Cruise. Cameron, if I may call you that, I wish for you to join the Republican Party. We have common goals and dreams, one of which is becoming the Television Champion. I can't promise you that I will lay down for you when the time comes, but I can promise that you and I, as a team, can defeat most of the other dreck in this match before we can put on a show.

See, because we are dealing with scum, filthy, slimy scum, those whose degenerate ways would undermine teh fabric New ERA of Wrestling, nay, the entire United States of America as we know it.

Yes, I am talking about you, Mr. Gossard. I am shocked and appalled that you would have such filth on television, the promotion of homosexual activities, the profanity and out and out perversion of morals, doing things to the anus that should never be done. Filthy, disgusting... if I were the Television Champion, I would have never let it on the airways. It would have been censored post haste.

Because of that segment... I don't think I can ever forgive you, Mr. Gossard. Your propagation of the perversion of morality has put you on America's Most Wanted List, as compiled by The Phantom Republican himself. All weapons are aimed at you, and you will be pounded mercilessly with Shock and Awe, taken out with laser precision with Star Wars and then destroyed with a MOAB so big that it will almost resemble a nuclear explosion.

As for your, Mr. Doe, well, I don't know how someone can say so much without saying anything at all. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a Democrat in Communist clothing, what with all your meaningless bluster. Your quality by quantity method clearly isn't working, and it will only buy you a ticket to getting tossed out of the ring on your behind.

The rise of the Republican Party is nigh, and the Television Title will be the first goal of many in the bringing of true democracy to New ERA of Wrestling.

The scene fades to the Republican Party logo.

 

[TSiegel]

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an NEW-backdrop.)

CRUISE: Mister Powell, before I start, allow me to announce that while I am proud of what I saw at Raucous, there is neigh, but at least three of us who are registered members of the Republican party. Although I may not be as celebrated as you are in that I don't have a six-foot stand-up of Mister Bush in my home, bumper stickers on my car or dedicated as Mister Deer...er...Doe is as a Democrat, I myself voted for Bush as well as fellow competitor Jason Payne.

However one thing rings true in what Mister Payne mentioned prior to your latest statement, and it came to me as the following:

Just because I agree with you on political views on who we may elect and support leader of our country and what few around the globe believe in as the entire world....

Sir, that doesn't mean I won't turn around and take you down with a neck-breaker.

You are correct however, in your assumations and observations on Mister D*ick--

(Cruise stops himself short giving himself a few taps on the forehead.)

Pardon me please Mister Doe....what I've done and the ferocity you've noticed are lessons to the boy, lessons that he must be taught, and lessons that are unfortunately going to be given to him by more then the strength of ten men. Mister Doe has unfortunately brought it upon himself unknowingly and this will be his downfall.

However, as far as the Television Title is concerned, my plans unfortunately are the same as Mister Payne's, Mister Hayze's, Mister Gossard's and Mister Hart as well as everyone else's involved:

To become NEW ERA's newest and most respected Television Champion you would ever dream of.

One thing however, Mister Powell....is that there's nothing that any Democrat, freak, Pessimistic moron with a ego complex, you or John Doe can do about it.

Because that sir, is just one POLITICIAL REALITY CHECK sir....that you just....won't like.

(Fade.)

 

[TSiegel]

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of a NEW ERA backdrop.)

CC: Interesting. Very, very, interesting. A couple of days after I shut down any possible door Doe tries to open on me, Mister Powell, Jason Payne, and everyone else making a decent attempt at Television Title worth....nothing but silence from the little bastard.

(Cruise starts to pace abit, taking a minute to form his next words and rubbing his shadowed beard.)

CC: 'Course who can blame the kid, really?? I mean, I wouldn't doubt for a second if someone showed up in Seattle and told me that the boy was fooled each and EVERYTIME by the disguises the Trix Rabbit used on Television commercials....he's just THAT STUPID!!!

I just hope that he hasn't been able to get with Groucho's apparent lil' sister to finally get over that little trick. 'Cuz if people like that are conversing and relating with Jonny like that....what's that say about our NFW Regular Season Champion?? Is he really a Genius?? Or just a fake??

Fact of the matter is, at the offices in Seattle and Boston, I haven't heard anything around the building from Marx, but Jon I'm telling you this pal: You're not getting one over on me this way.

No way.

No How.

As for Doe....well, what can I say about the lil' sh*t??

He'll just forget about it anyway.

(Fade.)

 

[CandyPimp]

<I>Back on Hayze, standing before the NEW backdrop.</I>

<b>ALISTER HAYZE:</B> Wow. Well, this has certainly been entertaining. I mean, we’ve got Republicans and perverts and rimjobs and assholes and all sorts of other interesting things going on. We’ve got a guy calling himself Payne, a laughable joke of a wrestler thinking he’s God, and, of course, the ever-lovable cock-sucking lip-syncher herself, Ashlee Simpson.

Know what we don’t have? A viable contender against me in this thing.

And before I get this, “But Al, I’m a big scary guy,” or “But Al, I beat so-and-so with a broken neck and two left feet,” let me make one thing crystal clear to you all. NONE OF THAT MATTERS NOW! What matters is what happens when you step into the ring with the charismatic soul, the passionate power, the T-totally awesome technical talent of the one and only Alister Hayze! What matters is how well you attempt to fend off the amazing offense and spectacular skills that are most certainly coming your way! What matters is that you are up against the man, the myth, THE NEXT <B>N-E-W</B> TELEVISION CHAMP-I-ON!

None of you really has a prayer.

Doe, the reason everyone attacks you is NOT because you’re a threat. The reason everyone attacks you is because you’re an annoying little piece of crap that thinks he’s the man. You’re the coattail-rider, dude. That’s the way it is. You’re hoping that Marx can give your little group a big enough name that you seem like a threat. But in truth…Marx doesn’t seem to be helping you right now. You’re standing on your own, and as history has constantly shown us, you don’t have enough talent to tear through a paper bag. You’re no real veteran; you’re no real superstar. What you are is a pipsqueak that likes to talk a lot, and that gets the crap beat out of him a lot. You’ve got no hope against the champ, you’ve got no hope against Cruise, and you damn sure don’t have a prayer of standing up to me.

M Dubbya Gee, I think you’ve got a problem. You’re starting to fizzle out. Much like the Simpsons, you’re now relying on constant guest stars and inane plots that have nothing to do with what’s really going on. You’re not a threat, man. You’re just two hundred-some pounds that I’ve got to lift and throw over the ropes.

And Payne, man…you say I need to do my homework? You’re an insult, man! You’re stepping into the <b>N-E-W</B>, the absolute greatest wrestling promotion in America! You’re getting the chance to share the ring with the most exciting superstars that the world can currently offer! And what do you have to say about the mainstays here in this grand new promotion you’re entering? “Never heard of you.” Good God, man, don’t you realize that we’re on television?! I mean, Jesus! Watch a show, check it out, do some frickin’ homework, man! I know, I know, that’s probably expecting too much. I mean, you are the boogey man and everything. You’re the guy that I’ve always been taught to fear, and blah, blah, blah…Here’s the thing, though – you don’t scare me. People have been trying to make me afraid of them all my life. They talk big, and they do everything that they can to make me roll over and play dead, to make me give in to them, to make me cry uncle and shiver at the thought of them. But it ain’t happened. A boozehound father, a rough trainer, a sadistic madman, the closest thing to the devil that I’ve ever seen, and the toughest man to ever be a part of this business…I’ve faced them all, man. I’ve laughed at them, to their face. So what makes you think that I’m going to roll over for a little man like you? Huh? What makes you think you’re so damn special? Let me kill the dream for you, right here, right now. Alister Hayze is not afraid of anyone. Alister Hayze laughs at people that THINK they can scare him. And if you stand in my way…Alister Hayze is going to roll right through you to win the NEW Television championship.

You know why? ‘Cause I’m the best. I’m the best because I was born that way, because I was trained that way, and because I swore to the man that taught me this game that I would never be anything less than a testament to his ability. I’m not letting any of you stand in my way. When I hold that title above my head, I’m going to be able to say, “It’s over, Mendoza. You can rest.” I’ve waited years for that chance, and no one – not some overblown fascist like Powell, not some disenfranchised attention-hound like Grossard, not a sniveling little nobody like Doe – no one is going to keep me from it.

That is the reality of the situation. You are looking at the next <b>NEW</b> Television champ. Get used to it now, because there’s not a damn thing that you can do to stop it.

<I>Fade to black.</I>

 

[Jason Payne]

"Your side was always a bit...lonely."

FADE-IN on the interior of the Basham-Schultz Wrestling Academy. The old, dusty interior hasn't changed much since it was last seen. With one exception. Although most of the interior is musty, covered in layers of dust and generally run down, there are several rows of brand new blue folding chairs where the old faded ones were last time. Not a hint of dust on the new seats, as if the dust can't even reach it. The camera pans around to the ring where Jason Payne stands with his back to the camera. Wearing a black sleeveless T-Shirt with a fist breaking through the words, "Truth Hurts", and faded blue jeans, Payne slightly turns towards the camera.

Payne - "At times, I am completly enamoured with this business. The passion. The competitiveness. The very essence of what fuels my fire for this business creeps across my skin and causes goosebumps. Nothing in this world can ever compare to it. Nothing. But then, at other times. I am thoroughly disgusted with the crap this business puts out year after year that it is enough to make me grab my stomach and throw up every morning. Recycled ideas, recycled personas, recycled people. This business always comes full circle."

Payne slowly turns and faces the camera. his massive arms crossed over his even more massive chest, he flashes the camera a look somewhere between a deep regret, and a growing disgust.

Payne - "I woke up this morning and decided to watch some N-E-W videos in order to scout my opponents out. About six beers into it, I had to run to the bathroom because an Alister Hayze promo turned loose the baked beans I had last night for dinner. And as I was sitting there on the cammode, I thought to myself, 'Jason...', because that's what they call me back home is Jason. I thought 'Jason, where in the hell have you seen this kid before?' As I was squeezing the last peanut encrusted turd from my body, it suddenly hit me. It's the same old rehashed garbage I've seen time in and time out. Young kid wants to be a wrestler, signs up for wrestling school. Legend teaches kid the basics of the business. Teacher dies on student. And then, in one of those truly emotional moments that only a man in mourning can suffer, you swear that you will carry on in his name."

Payne stifles a laugh and rubs his chin with his left hand. Chuckling he walks over to one side of the ring and rests a hand on the top rope. Camera fades to a shot of Payne as he turns towards a different angle. Still chuckling he shakes his head.

Payne - "You know, that is all well and good. I mean for a second there, I almost believed it. And even if it is a true story, it really doesn't matter. I mean, like you so succinctly pointed out, this is now. This is the Television Title we are talking about. Now you can come out here and talk about how great N-E-W is, and how I need to get a clue, and maybe you're right. But you know, I'm not gonna come out here and paint myself in a corner like you so eloquently did. I don't have to come out here and tell everyone I am the best there is in this business and that I am going to win the T.V. Title. You wake up in the morning and you tell yourself that because in YOUR reality, you actually believe that all this...is yours!"

"I come out here and I don't put a front up to be something I'm not. I'm Jason Payne. Just plain old Jason Payne. I'm not the son of a wealthy millionaire with money to burn, I'm no aspring polotician that hopes to use wrestling as a springboard into Washington, and I'm no prodigy of a fallen legend hell-bent on preserving the memory of someone whose legacy will carry on without some kid carrying a torch wherever he goes. I'm the Dog of War son. I am the Master of Terror. You better wake up from what delusional cloud you have around you and realize that."

The camera begins a slow zoom in on Payne as he continues to speak.

Payne - "You come out here and want to talk about how you're not scared of me. About how you are the only viable contender for this T.V. Title. Well, since we're talking about recycling, allow me to recycle a friend's catchphrase. You're in need of a serious REALITY CHECK !!! Just like Doe, you want to count me out because I'm new here. Fine. Go ahead. But you had better do your own damned homework, and learn just what I am capable of in that ring, because it's gonna be too late when you are sitting on a stretcher, the end of your career directly ahead of you because you underestimated me.

Camera stops its zoom, with Payne's face and shoulders filling the screen. Payne has a very hate filled look in his eye as he bores his gaze into the camera.

Payne - "And even if by some twist of circumstances I don't win that television title, you can almost bank on this jack. Somewhere down the road, me and you are gonna go at it, and if I don't end up tearing you apart at the BattleBrawl, God help you then son because the school I'm gonna take you to ain't nothing like anything you have ever gone through. You talk about laughing in my face? Go right ahead. Laugh. In the end, when the dust settles, we'll see just who is laughing, and who isn't capable of laughing. Count on it."

The scene FADES to BLACK for a brief moment before flashing to a screen of a black and white shot of the interior of the Basham Schultz Wrestling Academy. In the background, the silhouette of Payne can be seen pacing the ring in slow motion. At the bottom of the screen, a small paragraph of text is seen.

' Paid for by Jason Payne. No celebrities, or any look-alikes, fake politicians, torch carrying prodigies, sadistic morons with a fetish for the name "Dubya", or disillusioned, poor pronunciating amnesiacs were harmed, molested, or sexed during this promo. Jason Payne can not be help responsible for exposing the truth, even if it hurts your whiny little ***** ass ego. Be a man and settle it in the ring. Opinions expressed herein do not reflect opinions of the employeees and staff of N-E-W, though it probably does reflect that of any person possessing more than 3 brain cells. Malicious use of other people's catchphrases done without permission.'

Payne V. O. - "I'm Jason Payne, and your approval doesn't mean sh-BEEP to me..."

FTB

 

[TH]

Once again, the scene is Seattle Republican HQ. W tapestry. Same deal as before.

GOP: First off, Mr. Cruise, I'm glad you have accepted my offer for the match, despite your overall rejection for an alliance long-term. That is okay though, seeing as the Republican Party need not be centered in one place. Much like our right-wing brethern do battle in states as far and wide as Washington and in cities as Washington, almost 5000 miles to the east, as long as you continue to hold the values of the GOP dear to your heart, it matters not what you do after the match.

Now, onto the less desirable.

Mr. Payne, you claim you don't need anyone's approval. That is laughable, as if you had the approval of a body as powerful as The Republican Party, you wouldn't be in the state you are, lonely and lashing out at the world. You claim you voted Republican, but guessing by your petty outlook on life, I can't help but think you were one of those sniveling Anybody But Bush morons who lashed out at the more powerful Republicans because they were the ones who got the fat cat deals in Iraq and not their trust-fund holding daddies in the Democratic Party, who claim to be for the common man but are really elitists in blue collar clothing.

No Mr. Payne, you don't have approval because you don't need it or want it. You don't have approval because no one wants to approve you. You are akin to Saddam Hussein, a pariah on the world stage, and I will act upon you accordignly, with swiftness and great force.

I am no aspiring politician. I have come to New ERA of Wrestling to enact my righteous conservative will on punks like you, Mr. Payne.

And as for Mr. Hayze, well, Mr. Hayze, how dare you accuse me of being a fascist? Fascism was the enemy of this world, and we, red-blooded Americans, many of whom embodied the Republican ideals of hard work and discipline, fought them down. No, it's people like you who are the fascists, you hippies who would rather topple the great nation this is and replace it with a giant commune of unwashed, pot-smoking peaceniks while every country in teh world stands at our borders, mouths watering ready to pounce on us and relieve us of our sovereignity. I will not have someone like that holding the Television Title, bringing this country down through brainwashing our youth into despicable ideas like Free Love and Treating Your Fellow Man With Respect Even If He's a Lazy Piece of Trash Who Refuses to Get a Job.

Gentlemen, you all have been forewarned. Your treasonous actions have been duly noted, and in lieu of me reporting you in accordance with the Patriot Act, I will just act in my own right, leveling you with the largest defense arsenal in NEW.

Prepare to be obliterated! SHOCK AND AWE!!

Fade to the Republican Party logo.

 

[PaulNJ21]

What A Drag

::A tanned Marx opens his mansion door into the entrance way of his house with luggage in hand::

JONATHAN MARX: Funny, Jacobs didn’t show up from airport. He must have forgot that today was the day I came home from island hopping in Hawaii with Samantha Brown. Where in the blue blazes is everyone? Brandon?

::Marx walks into the living room and drops his jaw and luggage in horror to::

JONATHAN MARX: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! Brandon, Why are you dressed as Beau Michaels chasing Holly around the sofa who dressed as Cameron Cruise?!

BRANDON JACOBS (dressed as Beau): ****, Hi Jonathan!

::Holly runs up to Jonathan dressed as Cameron Cruise and jumps onto him and gives him a big hug::

JONATHAN MARX: You guys have to keep me out of your kinky roleplaying games. Good to see you back Holly, we both missed you, ::glances over at Jacobs:: some of us more than others.

BRANDON JACOBS (dressed as Beau): My therapist says that roleplaying is good for your sex life.

JONATHAN MARX: Yeah, but I doubt this is what he had in mind….

::lets Holly go and she climbs down::

HOLLY BECKETT (dressed as Cruise): I have to tell you all about Survivor.

JONATHAN MARX: We will get to that in a minute, hold on….

BRANDON JACOBS (dressed as Beau): Aren’t you home rather early? I thought you were going to stay a couple of more days. Did you and Samantha have a tiff?

JONATHAN MARX: No, Samantha is as lovely and charming as usual. I would have stayed there another two or three weeks if I could have and originally I was but I was booked in the NEW Rumble for the TV title so I decided to cut my vacation a little short. I have heard Doe and Cruise have been going at each other…. ::looks at Jacobs and Holly:: But not in the way you two have been…

BRANDON JACOBS (dressed as Beau): They have been ripping into each other really bad. Republican. Hayze, Madonna Wayne Grossard, and Payne have also made appearances.

JONATHAN MARX: Looks like I’ll have a lot of catch up to do. Did Chaos wind up beating Rabesque?

BRANDON JACOBS: No, Rabesque figured out a way to retain and the Frenchie survived.

::An anxious Holly looks at Jonathan like she is about to burst if she doesn’t speak soon::

JONATHAN MARX: Good, hopefully after this PPV is done, I can get my chance to go after Rabesque. Now, what did you want to tell me about Holly?

HOLLY BECKETT (dressed as Cruise): BEAU AND I FORMED AN ALLIANCE! It was so cool, we dominated the show and broke the spirit of the other team. We even made Doc cry but it was off camera so you didn’t see it. Those bastards at the network canceled it though before we could finish off the job.

BRANDON JACOBS (dressed as Beau): The good news is that since the last show never came to a conclusion, I am still the reigning champion of Survivor.

JONATHAN MARX: From winning Survivor to running around dressed as Beau Michaels and Cameron Cruise…. You two have come so far.

::Marx opens up his arms and hugs both Jacobs and Holly::

JONATHAN MARX: I am so glad to have both you guys back.

BRANDON JACOBS (dressed as Beau): You know, there is something it seems like I am forgetting.

::The seven foot muscular bodyguard Domovoi walks in dressed as Mercedes in drag::

DOMOVOI: TADA! Err... Jonathan, you are home...

JONATHAN MARX: Good god…

HOLLY BECKETT: She was the only one who fit in Mercedes dress.

FTB

 

[TSiegel]

(Fadein, an Cameron Cruise in front of an NEW ERA backdrop.)

CC: Well what do you know.....I guess you can push a man to the brink of insanity and within IT an interesting flow of constant unoriginality....AFTER ALL.

Especially when that newly proclaimed nut happens to be a supposed GENIUS from the great halls of Princeton University.

(Cruise jams his hands in his pockets and smiles alittle bit.)

Then again, ending up on the losing end of a match two or three times in a row against another loser....sympathies must be had somewhere right?? I mean after all....not getting the job times two to three times in two to three chances....what's a man of Jonathan Marx's caliber to do?? Ask his revolting apparent new sister for advice??

It is indeed a sad day.

I've never expected to have you come so low Jonathan.

I beat you time an' time again...then show up to catch a match that D*ck...er...Doe...has at the time and you have the balls to belittle me??

I just wanted a better look at the action Jon, is that so bad??

What's next? You belittling little childeren for buying candy that tastes good....but not nutritious right in front of their parents? I suppose after that you want to hold a gigantic PTA meeting and label every mother and father in America, "Bad Parents" while you're at it right??

Get a grip on yourself Jon.

If scraping the bottom of the well includes bad jokes about my wife, myself and Beau is the best you can do....the hell with it then Jon, just don't show up. Because if it's not me, then it's going to be someone else to throw you over the top rope....and that ends up one way or another in another win for me ANYWAY.

Tell me Jon....

How you going to feel when I single-handedly eliminate the one team that's getting the most airtime right now against the one man I willl eventually end up facing sooner or later for the title I want the most??

(Cruise grins once more.)

Confidence Jon.....ain't it a B*TCH??

(Fadeout.)

 

[PaulNJ21]

You've Gone Too Far


:omovoi, Brandon Jacobs, and Holly Beckett are sitting on the couch in their regular clothes and an angry Jonathan Marx is starring down at all three of them next to a rope::

JONATHAN MARX: All of this tom foolery has to stop. I have been on the phone with the NEW offices all morning and they received hundreds of emails in complaint about your bizarre habits. I don’t care if the live feed was switched on by accident or not, if you are going to use this mansion when I am not here, you have to behave like adults.

HOLLY BECKETT: But we were…

JONATHAN MARX: Let me clarify this… behaving ADULT is not the same thing as behaving LIKE adults…

HOLLY BECKETT: Oooooh…. Take the December 15th of the Newberry.

BRANDON JACOBS: Damn it, come on…

HOLLY BECKETT: You heard Marx. We have to behave.

BRANDON JACOBS: ::gives Marx an icy glance::

JONATHAN MARX: I am sorry Brandon, but this is going to be an awfully busy December and I need all three of you to buckle down and be there so that we make it through this month. I have to rush and prepare for this TV Title match, I have to start getting ready for my semifinals match against Manson in NFW, and Brandon and I still need to do our WFW duties to boot…

BRANDON JACOBS: Ghoulish Games, Turkey Day Terror, Merrython…

JONATHAN MARX: You are going to wish Scotty Michaels beds you by the end of the month and I am not talking about that in the Cruise/Michaels manner either. Now, back to the manner at hand, you two can’t engage in all these elaborate productions all of the time. I am a Gentlemen and I have to hold myself as model for the code of conduct for all of these other wrestlers to look up to. There will be no more staging of these elaborate productions like last time. We have to get serious now to get this work done....

::Marx looks over at Domovoi::

JONATHAN MARX: By the way, Domovoi… You got several emails, including one from Rabesque, I don’t know what that is about nor do I want to know.

:omovoi hangs his head down in shame::

BRANDON JACOBS: Terrorist sympathizer. Like your gambling habits are not enough.

JONATHAN MARX: Leave Domovoi alone, it is way too easy. Now back to you and Holly, I expect better from both of you and I got the feeling from Cruise’s last interview that you may have hurt his feelings by making him look like the homosexual version of Paris Hilton. I think it is about time we put a moratorium on the Cameron Cruise jokes once and for all.

BRANDON JACOBS: But he has been bragging about beating you repeatedly in all of his promos for a good month, don’t you think we should run his loss in the Ultratitle tournament in his nose?

JONATHAN MARX: I am surprised at you Brandon. We have to turn the other cheek, we can’t let ourselves be drawn in by braggarts and reducing ourselves to their level.

BRANDON JACOBS: But Jonathan, he called you a “loser”, can’t we rub it in just a little?

JONATHAN MARX: Well, if it means so much to you, I’ll allow it this once…

::Marx pulls the rope and confetti and balloons come down from the ceiling, Kool and the Gang burst into the room and bust into “Celebration”::

KOOL AND THE GANG: CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES…. COME ON! LET’S CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! Let’s Celebrate!

:omovoi, Jacobs, and Holly get off of the sofa and they start dancing with the music, a dozen Playboy Playmates and the Harlem Globetrotters start coming through the door::

KOOL AND THE GANG: THERE’S A PARTY GOING ON RIGHT HERE, A CELEBRATION TO LAST THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. SO BRING YOUR GOOD TIMES AND YOUR LAUGHTER TOO… WE’RE GOING TO CELEBRATE YOUR PARTY WITH YOU!

::Jacobs unrolls a banner on the wall with a picture of Marx defeating Cruise in the background with the slogan, “Your Future NEW World Television Champion”, Holly is talking to Curly from the Harlem Globetrotters and Curly shoots Marx an icy glance::

KOOL AND THE GANG: COME ON NOW, CELEBRATE! LET’S ALL CELEBRATE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME! CELEBRATION….. WE GO CELEBRATE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME….. IT'S TIME TO COME TOGETHER, IT'S UP TO YOU, WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE? EVERYONE AROUND THE WORLD COME ON...

::The Harlem Globetrotters pick Marx up onto their shoulders and carry him victoriously out to the pool, the camera man is surrounded by Playmates and the camera falls down onto the ground::

FTB

 

[NotorisSTD]

Hot Topic is owned by the Gap

(CUEUP: "Drunk Kids and Catholics" by Bright Eyes...)
(MWG is standing in front of the same Hot Topic in every mall in America, wearing a pink T-shirt that reads "Voting is for old people," a neo blue jacket, a black mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and big Japanese raver girl sneakers, and sh#t load of cheap black and purple makeup. He's smoking a cigarette, which is weird, cuz you can't do that in malls anymore, but there y'go.)

"The American Idol"
EM DUBAYA GEEEE: So...Um....Uh....? (takes a drag off his cigarette)

I guess I should apologize to all the other people in the battle royal thingy. I was gonna talk about all of you 'n stuff. I just sorta kinda forgot. My bad.

My apologies especially go out to John Doe. Cuz everybody's paying a lot of attention to him, and it's making me feel like I'm not trendy enough all of a sudden...Doe's a homophobe that's um....so typical? Like it's this huge f*cking deal that I've had a c*ck or two in my mouth? And y'know, to my dad, I guess it is a big deal. But, and why I have to keep reminding people of this I have no idea, but I've beaten Maelstrom. I've beaten Jean Rabesque. I've beaten Copycat. And I didn't beat them by sucking their c*cks, even though I probably could have had they given my the chance. No, muffins, I beat them by going (softly punches himself in the forehead) bonk bonk. On their heads. 'till they went (points to the floor) "Keeeer-plunk-ah." I'm like, totally crazy? All like, y'know, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac 'n junk? I kill people? heelllloooo?

Sexual ambiguity isn't what should be concerning you people right now. Just cuz it's a bunch of doods in tight spandex pants feeling each other up all at once don't make it an orgy, kids. There's sex and violence, and then there's the dance party. Dig?...it's the same, but like, not really....

It's nice that you feel so righteous, Johnny pants. And I can see why you're so uncomfortable with your sexuality. Speaking as a girl, I don't wanna f*ck you, and I doubt I'm alone on this one. What I wanna know is if you don't
know who you are, then how could you know you're as good as you say you are? You talk all this sh*t, but have youdone anything at all to back it up? Just saying something doesn't make it so, cuddle bug.

This is why people who b*tch about conformity are wicked stupid. Remember when Limp Bizkut got really big a few years ago, and everyone said they sucked except for a few people who were all into being non-conformists? well, all those non-conformists are embarrassed now. Cuz everyone else was right. Limp Bizkut DOES suck, and now even Fred Durst gets on TV and apologizes for his own music. And that's you, John Doe. Everyone else says you suck. But you refuse to admit it, just cuz you wanna be a non-conformist.

Fred Durst got famous combining the two most commercially accessible genres of music, heavy metal and a white guy rapping. You try to draw attention to yourself by saying your God, just like Doc Silver and Mike Manson
already did, and by joining a stable called "Dredd," which is just a rip off a LOVE, which is an equally fruity stable, but at least it's on a better show. So you throw together as many things that were successful for other people and you hope it works for you.

Fred Durst made a complete ass of himself when he said he f*cked Brittney and Christina. Not only did he alienate what was left of his hardcore fanbase, but speaking as a girl, I wouldn't f*ck Fred Durst either, and I'm A LOT less particular than Brittney or Christina. Yeah, he did f*ck Ginger Spice. But
only after every single other person on the planet already did. I've seen a lot of famous women give rim jobs, actually. It's a little weird. And you, John Doe, get on TV and tell everyone you're a million times better than you actually are. You and Fred Durst, Johnnycakes, both pretending to be something your not, hoping anyone will buy into the act.

I may be a fag. But at least I'm not a Fred Durst.

Think about it. Who's really a worse role model for children? Someone who can teach them about the dangerous of drugs and alcohol, and how y'know, like, diversity 'n junk, and give them valuable fashion tips, or someone who can teach them to be like Fred Durst?....C'mon now. F'real?

I got the Phantom Republican all hot and bothered too. People like him are the reason I don't vote. Although I like how the Republicans made being really stupid something to be proud of. I was in an absolutely unfathomable K-Hole the other night somewhere in Nebraska, right? Don't even ask me how I got there. I remember something about a house party, snorting K in the bathroom with one of the guys from 98 degrees, and that's all. I must've left, cuz I walked into a 7-11, and tried to charge two packs of cigarettes and a giant rice krispies square on my Evanescence fan club membership card. Me and the nice man behind the counter spent 15 minutes trying to figure out
why my card wouldn't work, then he gave me the food and smokes for free, shook my hand, and told me I was NOT out of touch with the real America. Then I collapsed on the floor, vomited all over myself, and knocked over a rack of potato chips. Lying there facedown in a pool of my own puke with little serrated bits of salty ruffled chips floating in it, I never felt so much like a real American. Fight for the right of everyman. Then some guys in cowboy hats tied me to the back of their pickup truck and dragged me around town, screaming something about wanting to marry me. Thank Gawd I'm such a tough cookie and survived the ordeal.

My question to the Phantom Republican, is just how committed to the agenda are you really? Your agenda isn't the same as mine. You seem very passionate about your politics, most of which I only vaguely understand, and that's just super. But have you the strength of your convictions, my kitten? Y'see, my agenda is decadence for the sake of decadence. And that can make for an absolutely grueling schedule, lemme tell you hon. No one can
say I haven't shown my share of dedication. What lengths are you really willing to go to for the Neo-Con agenda, Phantom Republican? You'll put a bumper sticker on your car, get drunk and yell at people who disagree with you, and show up on election day. And oh, I know that you'd die for what you believe in. But would you have sex with you sister for George W. Bush? How 'bout sex with a dog? Would you let me f*ck you for George W. Bush? Y'should think that question over, and if the answer is no, then you're just
another flip flopping hypocrite b*tch.

I ain't no flip flopper. I'm always ridged, straight foreword, and um...y'know. I have an erection a lot.

Alister Hayze said I'm a disenfranchised attention hound. 'Kay. Guilty. He said he hasn't forgotten about the time I beat him up and kissed him. I'm flattered. And he said I'm kind of like the Simpsons, because my last promo had nothing to do with anything. And he's right. Eye AM kind of like the Simpsons. Cuz when I do something, it doesn't matter how pointless or banal it may be, cuz Everyone's going to watch anyway, and I'm still gonna make sh*tloads of money off it.

Jonathan Marx may hold a clean pin fall win over me, but I'm a Real World cast member. Everybody watches the Real World. Him and Cameron Cruise were on a reality show, but it got canceled. Real World never gets cancled. No matter what. So I'm better than him in everyway that matters.

See boys and girls, It doesn't matter what you do. It's how many people are watching when you do it. And all eyes, are perpetually fixed in complete adoration, on moi.

So when I shimmy my way down to the ring and toss away the final, exhausted fellow competitor in this charade of a title match, I will barely exert myself to win a second tier title on a third tier wrestling show. And my adoring public all over the world will care deeply, and in one voice that will be heard across the galaxy, sing it to the tune of (yells) FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!!!