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The League Of Extraordinary Wrestlers


League Member
Sep 4, 2004

(In the parking lot of the Universal Amphitheatre, an hour after the WWE Hall of Fame show has ended, we see the “Not the Nero Wagon” along with the League of Extraordinary Wrestlers, after they failed to stop Holocaust. All of them are visibly upset. Sean Taylor is talking on a cell phone while Nero, Alucard, Classy and Torpid are standing next to the wagon talking amongst each other.)

Classy: I can’t believe that Doom would be a traitor. How could we be so blind?

Nero: Yeah, he actually noticed the Dominion logo on the balloon.

Alucard: Yes, he was acting weird at the table we were at.

Nero: Hmmm, interesting. Was he able to suck out your no-selling abilities while you were with him?

Alucard: Nero, a contract like mine is a sacred bond…a sacred bond…

Nero: But still, there could…

Alucard: A SACRED BOND!!!

Nero: Ooookaaay. Still, I feel like a huge loser, with no importance at all.

Classy: WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!! (Starts to cry) BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Alucard: I don’t think I’ve dropped that low.

Nero: Me neither. You my friend are at the bottom of the food chain.

Classy: Oh yeah! Then explain how you still have Classy Mike C as your team mate. In fact, YOU ALL STILL HAVE CLASSY MIKE C!!!!

Alucard: Yes well, that isn’t important right now. What’s important is to know what the course of action now is.

Classy, Uh…Classy Mike Ceeeeeee….!!!

Taylor: (talking on phone) Yeah okay, I get it. Thanks anyway. (Disconnects) Alright guys, up till this moment, things are pretty much bleak. There’s been no sign of Hogan or Holocaust or Doom or in fact any of the Dominion members at all!


Taylor: Also, I got a call from Briggs just now and he said that due to our appearance at the Hall of Fame show, they’re giving us a disciplinary warning!

(Still silence)

Taylor: And they’ll do that by cutting our paychecks…

Nero, Alucard, Classy and Torpid: *GASP*

Taylor: Interesting, I would have expected that for the Hogan report.

(A ringing sound is heard.)

Taylor: It’s from McMahon’s com device.

Nero: (looking in the wagon’s window) Hey G, could you please give us that briefcase.

(Garrison throws the briefcase out of the window and it falls 5 feet away.)

Taylor: Does he ever do anything civilized?

Nero: Of course, he goes to court when he has to.

(The league members, including Garrison all gather around the briefcase and open the top to look at the screen. Vince McMahon appears on the screen, laughing.)

Vince: HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! Hello Taylor, Alucard, Nero, Garrison. I’m sure…

Classy: AND Classy!

Vince: Whatever. So by now you’ve all figured this out. IT WAS ME!!! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!!! YOU ALL BOUGHT IT!!!

Taylor: Actually we didn’t. We had no idea that you and Holocaust were in cahoots.

Vince: Oh…well still. You have to admit, IT WAS A BRILLIANT PLAN!!

Nero: Lets see, having me team up with Boredy, Bookie and Big G…

Classy: Please don’t forget me.

Nero: …And *****y.

Classy: HEY!

Nero: All of this to just show up at the show to see Hogan gets kidnapped. I’m just happy he didn’t go on vomiting over us. Hope you’re having fun.

(Holocaust also appears on screen.)

Holocaust: As always Nero, you’re theories make sense only to you. And no, it’s not because you’re incredibly smart, HA! You see, the Dominion and Vince McMahon had teamed up to ensure WrestleMania’s blockbuster success.

Taylor: Oh really? I find the Dominion’s involvement a huge factor for failure.


Nero: Then why tell us all of this now.

Taylor: More importantly, why this whole league for anyways?

Vince: Because all of you had something that was to fit into the formula. Nero was the only one who could get Garrison on the team. Taylor seemed impressive enough to convince Alucard to join my side, although I was hoping both of them could accept Holocaust’s offer.

Alucard: You mean he was serious?! Taylor!!!

Taylor: Uhhh…

Nero: And Garrison?

Classy: And ME???

Vince: Oh…uh…you...uh…I forgot. But I needed Garrison to beat up some of my superstars. You know, just some of the things to amuse ME!!!

Taylor: But why? Why did you have to kidnap Hogan? He isn’t doing anything at all. He’s got plenty of time to do some WWE stuff.

Holocaust: Because he didn’t agree with the Dominion’s terms and …

Vince: And he called me an @$$hole, Brother! NOBODY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT, I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMMIT!!!

Nero: Not even Hogan?


Nero: That…made no sense.


Taylor: Haha, good one.


Holocaust: Ahem, so in order to have you despise each other so as to distract everyone at the show, we sent you our wolf.

Doom: (appearing on screen) Growl.

Holocaust: While all of you were busy getting a piece of the WWE superstars, we kidnapped Hogan.

Vince: Now that you know all of this, there’s no way you can stop me. Actually there is, but you’ll never be able to find us here at the Staples Center for WrestleMania 21. And even if you do, there’s no way you can get there, except for public transport. MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Just then, Garrison delivers a big splash on the briefcase, destroying everything in it.)

Nero: Uh, you thought that giving that the Terrarizer would automatically do it on McMahon, didn’t you.

Garrison: Uhhhh….

Nero: It doesn’t work that way.


Taylor: Apparently McMahon gave away his location without even knowing it.

Classy: Yeah, but what did he mean by public transport.

(Just then, the sound of an engine starting is heard and the league look at the “Not the Nero Wagon.”)

Scott Hall: (sitting on the driver’s seat) HEY YO!!!

Taylor: What the f…

Kevin Nash: (From the sunroof.) Guess you won’t need this van anymore.


Nash: Your van? I don’t see your name on it.


Hall: Yeah, but it says it isn’t yours little man. See ya!

(The “Not the Nero Wagon speeds off and disappears in the smoke and dark)


Taylor: It could have been worse.


Alucard: I believe it just got worse.




League Member
Sep 4, 2004
Hey everyone. Sorry this is really late, had a few things on my hands and I just couldnt finish this chapter up. Oh well, hope you like this one and most probably the next chapter should be up sooner.

Have fun.

Still in the parking lot after having the “Not the Nero Wagon” get hijacked by Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, the league is more upset, especially Nero, who is continuously finger-pointing and yelling at Taylor.

Taylor: Look, if you would have provided cover to the van like I asked you to, this would not have happened.

Nero: Cover? COVER!? That was a brilliant cover on the wagon. If you hadn’t been mocking that brilliant plan again and again, my wagon would still be with me. My wagon, (sob) my beautiful wagon…

Taylor: Oh geez, you’re not gonna go over-emotional on this are you?

Nero: (pulling out a photo-album from his jacket) I’ll never forget all the good times that we had together, (camera shows the pictures including Nero and wagon. Different pictures include Nero with some girls washing the wagon. Then at the beach, at a drive-in, etc) you were such a beautiful wagon.

Classy: My word, he has an album with pictures of his van in it!

Alucard: And they call ME obsessive.

Taylor: Isnt there a picture of it running over you?

Nero: Yeah Garrison did accidentally knock me over with it once, but we didn’t have a camera that time cos…HEY!!!

Taylor: Hey, instead of crying like a little baby over all of this, why don’t we evaluate the situation? Obviously McMahon hired those two and they have our only way of getting to the Staples Center on time for Wrestlemania.

Classy: Well, we could just take the bus.

Taylor: Uh, excuse me, but did you say the BUS??? I’m Sean Taylor, The Greatest Undisputed EUWC Double Champion of all time!!! And you expect me to take the BUS???

Alucard: He does have a point. I wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a bus.

Classy: Aren’t you already dead?

Alucard: No no no no no….thats Undertaker. Or Doom.

Classy: Doom isn’t dead.

Alucard: He will be once I suck out his sucker.

Taylor: That…was a disturbing comment.

Alucard: I’ve made my mind.

Nero: Will you guys get back to the real problem, I WANT MY WAGON BACK!!!

Taylor: Technically, since you sprayed “Not” on it, it isn’t your wagon. That was pretty smart of Hall and Nash to use that loophole…


Taylor: Why, whadya gonna do, huh???

Nero: Nothing really, till you realize you just said Nash and Hall were ‘smart.’

(Silence. Only the sound of crickets can be heard.)

Taylor, Nero, Classy and Alucard: EEEEUUUWWW!!!!

Taylor: Alright, I take that back.

Alucard: I believe we better get to find the wagon.

Taylor: Oh and why is that?

Alucard: Because the sooner we find the wagon, I can have some fun by beating up Hall and Nash, and have a good laugh at them for trying to actually ‘beat’ me.


Taylor: But those two could be anywhere by now. Maybe Vince gave them some sort of luxurious hiding place.

(Silence again with the sound of crickets.)

Taylor, Nero, Classy and Alucard: NAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

Nero: Probably a pipe in the gutter. That’s where I put Torpid.

Classy: Perhaps, we should call… “The Squealer.”

Taylor: Squealer? Who’s that?

Classy: They say he knows a lot of information in the wrestling world. Trouble is, he can’t keep it to himself. That’s why he’s called… “The Squealer.” If there’s anyone who could possibly know where the wagon and Hall and Nash are, he does.

Nero: And why did you fail to tell us about him before, like I dunno, since the WAGON GOT JACKED 30 MINUTES AGO!!!

Classy: Well, I didn’t think this would be the perfect time or place…


Taylor: Yeah. You could have saved us from hearing this little weasel rant on and on and on…

Nero: One of these days Sean, BAM!!! Straight to the pit of undercard hell!!!

Taylor: Dream on fuzzball. So how do we contact this squealer?

Classy: Well, I do have his phone number. (Pulls out a card from his wallet) I was gonna call him to ask if there was a push lined up for me in the future…

Nero: (snatches card from Classy.) That can wait!

Classy: Oh sure, hold down the unnoticeable guy!

Nero: Whatever. (Takes out his cell phone and dials the number. He puts it on his ear and then he hears someone talking loud and fast on the other end.) Uh…could you hold on for a second… (puts phone on the hold mode) Classy…

Classy: Yes?

Nero: The squealer, its Jay Smash!

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: GASP!

Classy: But how can you tell?

Nero: Well, first he went in a monotone voice “This is The Squealer…” and then he goes “Actually I’m JAY SMASH! I’M THE SQUEALER! ME ME! I SHOULDN’T BE TELLING YOU MY SECRET ID, BUT I CANT HELP IT, I SQUEAL!!!” Blah blah. He just kept going on and on.

Taylor: Well, talk to him, see what you can find out.

Nero: You’re kidding right. Why don’t any of you guys talk to him?

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: NO NO NO NO…!!!

Nero: (sigh) (talking on phone)

Hello Jay. Howya doin?
How’s the squealing goin?
uh huh
uh huh
Listen, SHUT UP for a second
Okay a minute. Listen, I need you to tell me where Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are hiding my BEAUTIFUL WAGON!!!
Ok I got it
Yeah I got it
No I don’t need any Pringles



Nero: Geez, that guy would NOT SHUT UP!

Taylor: So we noticed. Annoyed Nero?

Nero: Very!

Classy: So where are they?

Nero: Some junkyard a couple of blocks next to the Ampitheatre.

Taylor: Well that’s stupid. Why would they be hiding near the Ampitheatre?

Alucard: Of course the junkyard makes complete sense.

Taylor, Nero and Classy: Yeah… right… true…

Taylor: Right. So we know where they are. Now all we have to do is get there.

Alucard: Surely you don’t expect me to walk there.

Nero: What’s your problem? You’re a no-seller.

Alucard: And that makes me stoop to a lower level to actually walk???

Nero: He does have a point. I aint walking! These shoes weren’t made for a walk-a-thon.

Taylor: I guessed that much.

(Suddenly they hear a car horn and lights flash on them. They see a white limousine with bullhorns on the front and a JBL logo on the sides. The sunroof opens and Casey Torpid and Lynch Garrison pop out.)

Garrison: Hey Nero! Check out the cool new ride I got!

Nero: You jacked JBL’s Limo?

Garrison: Yeah! OJ snuck it out here for a big-boy party session. But I jumped him.

Taylor: And?

Torpid: And let’s just say, he’s a little tied up right now.

(Torpid and Garrison laugh out heartily and Garrison hits Torpid hard on the head. Torpid falls back into the car.)

Taylor: Well atleast we have transportation now. Let’s get going.

(The league gets inside the limo and the limo speeds off.)

Nero: (voice in the distance) Hey, he’s got a picture of him with the ministry of darkness.

==================================== ==================

Paul Doom

League Member
Sep 18, 2004
Why do I get the feeling the last two chapters were made to mock Doom? The Jay Smash thing is funny. Didn't think you'd actually used what I mentioned :p


League Member
Sep 4, 2004
Paul Doom said:
Why do I get the feeling the last two chapters were made to mock Doom?
Greetings. I'm Lord Alucard, the guy you injured...

Till Later,



League Member
Jul 1, 2005
Long Island, NY
Oh yeah, fricken hilarious... Now I'm gonna be known as the squealer that hands out pringles over the phone!

In any case... I know exactly what I was actually saying on the other end. And here it is...

(Special feature for when the DVD comes out.)

Jay Smash: “Operator..... Yes, this is The Squealer…...... Actually I’m JAY SMASH! I’M THE SQUEALER! ME ME! I SHOULDN’T BE TELLING YOU MY seceret identification, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT, I SQUEAL!!! And when I squeal I just squeal some more! SQUEALY SQUEALY BEE is what you can call me. I rhymed, did you hear that, I rhymed. So where did you go? I'm ready for the squealin'. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Nero: (sigh) (talking on phone)

Jay Smash: Oh there you are, I'm just super!
Squealing is good, I'm having a great time.
I just completed a nice little adventure story of my days as a sqealer.
It should be out on seceret bookstands everywhere to squeal throughout the world with what I know.
Ok.... *waits a second* So I'm calling the book Me, myself, and I... The squealer. I was thinking more like Jay Smash and the Amazing Technicolor book about Squealing.. but....
Oh... all right..... go on...
Well, you see. You first must look inside yourself and see the true meaning of why you are doing this in the first place. I would ask you slap yourself in the face, but nobody ever does.
Ok, so have you ever heard of a place called.... the AMPITHEATRE?
Well good..... in that case, they are hiding at a junkyard by the ampitheatre.
Got it?

It's just a couple blocks away.

I can help you find it, I'll bring some pringles.

No pringles? Well all right then... I that case I'll talk to you later.

We can go to an amusement park. Ride some.... rides!

Shut... down.....



League Member
Sep 4, 2004

(We see JBL’s Limo arriving at a gate that has a sign on the top saying “Junkyard.” As the limo goes inside, we see another sign at the side of the gate saying “WARNING! Tresspassers Will Be NEXT!” The limo stops inside in front of a trailer and the league members get off. Nero is reading a diary.)

Nero: According to this, Bradshaw is down a hundred grand in beer tabs.

Taylor: Gee, you think after being such a stock market fatcat, he would atleast be able to pay off 100000.

Nero: That’s nothing! There’s more. He also owes Farooq 250000 in poker money. What a sore loser.

Taylor: As much as I would love to hear JBL's money woes, we came here for a reason. As a matter of fact, we’re here to get YOUR blasted van!

Nero: Of course we are. You guys find it while I read all of this. This is gonna make me rich.

Classy: More that JBL?

Nero: I can dream.

Taylor: Alright, we’ll have to get this one over with as soon as we can. Its 3 A.M. and Wrestlemania is still 18 hours away. And I have a plan.

Alucard: A plan??? Interesting. This is probably the first time we’ve actually had a plan.

Taylor: What about back at the Hall of fame show?

Alucard: Ah yes, THAT plan. Regardless, this plan you speak of, what is it?

Taylor: Well its simple, we…


Taylor: I haven’t even started yet!

Nero: (cracking up) No not that, listen to this. It says here that he went to have liposuction but accidentally got breast implants!!!

Taylor: You’re kidding right?

Nero: Have you seen his excess skin? They got the boobies out but they couldn’t get much of the excess skin!! HILARITY!!!

Alucard: Yes I’m sure. Now then, can we get on with this plan???

Taylor: Right. Now as I was saying…


Taylor & Alucard: NOW WHAT!

Nero: He also owes a fat pile to the good people at Happy Malehood Clinic. WOOOOHOOO!!!

Classy: You mean…


Taylor: Well, maybe he has some small problems in the bedroom department…


Taylor: Hehe

Classy: Hehehe..

Alucard: (annoyed) Yes, YES, you’re all masters of comedy! Now WHAT IS THIS PLAAAAANNNNN!!!

Taylor: Hehe, yeah. Now then, when we find the van, obviously Hall and Nash may be lying in wait for us. So we’ll have to go in pairs. Once those two attack the two of us, the rest can take them out.

Classy: Sounds simple enough. Except for one thing.

Taylor: And that is?

Classy: We can’t go any further without asking the junkyard owner first. (points to trailer)

Taylor: Well, we’ll just ask him permission. How hard can that be?

(Taylor, Alucard and Classy approach the door and Taylor knocks. Classy seems to be shivering a little.)

Taylor: What’s with you?

Classy: Dunno. Just a little scared of this place, it’s hideous. God know what the animal that runs this place may be like.

Taylor: Don’t worry, I’m sure the guy’s nice, kind and understanding man.

(Suddenly the door opens inside and Bill Goldberg emerges out and yells, combined with spit and garble.)

Goldberg: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!!! (spit, garble)

Taylor and Alucard: (getting some of the spit over them) Ewww.

Taylor: So you’re running a junkyard now, huh?

Goldberg: WHATS IT TO YA?!

Alucard: (wiping his glasses with a handkerchief) I’m sure its an excellent punishment for ruining Wrestlemania 20 indeed.

Goldberg: You two gonna be sorry for running your mouths at ME! Better leave now, or, YOU’RE NEXT! (points to Alucard) And you (points to Taylor) YOU’RE NEXT!!! In fact, both of you are NEXT!!!

Taylor: What about him? (points to Classy)

Goldberg: WHAT ABOUT WHO!!!???

Taylor: Oh great, you can’t notice him either.

Classy: And a good thing too. At least I’m not covered in spit.


(Goldberg starts screaming and shouting. Another shouting is heard and the three league members look behind them. They immediately get out of the way as Garrison charges at Goldberg and spears him all the way inside the trailer! Nero joins the three as they watch Garrison lay a savage beating on Goldberg, including giving him his own Jackhammer.)

Alucard: It would have taken me just one move to finish him off.

Taylor: I’m sure it would.

Alucard: Nevertheless, since he’s handling Goldberg, the N.W.O. is mine!

Taylor: Yeah, why is it that he every time he pops out of a car, he proceeds to destroy everything he sees.

Nero: Works for me.

Taylor: Oh, you’re back? Got tired of the diary.

Nero: Yeah, after reading about Bradshaw’s ‘little’ problems, there wasn’t “much more” to look at! WOOOOHOOO!!!

Classy: Why call him Bradshaw? JBL is growing on everyone.

Taylor: Yeah. He’s Just Being Lame.

Nero: Lame is right! Upstairs AND ‘Downstairs!’ WOOOOHOOOO!!!

Taylor: Hehehehe…right. Now then, lets get on with the plan.

Alucard: AT LAST!

Taylor: Nero, once Garrison’s done with Goldberg, get him and Alucard and cover us. Me and Classy will head for the wagon and bring the N.W.O. out of hiding.

Classy: Why ME!?

Taylor: Hey, Goldberg didn’t notice you. Unless those two are really drunk to actually notice you, we won’t have much trouble.

Classy: Fine! Let’s get it over with.

(Taylor and Classy quietly walk ahead. After a couple of wrecked cars, they find the “Not the Nero Wagon.”)

Taylor: So far so good. No sign of the N.W.O.

(As if on cue, Hall and Nash jump out from behind two wrecked cars.)

Hall: Guess again pretty boy!

Taylor: (sarcastically) “Oh no. Its Hall and Nash. We’re in big trouble now.”

Nash: Whadya mean ‘we’? You’re the only one in trouble, not us.

Classy: Okay, so they’re not that drunk. That’s odd.

Hall: Not drunk enough to do this. CATCH! (Throws a beer can which hits Taylor’s head.)


Nash: He did WHAT?! You idiot! That was the last can!


Nash: Maybe after we beat him up, McMahon’s gonna give us more beer.


Classy: Yeah, just beat ‘him’ up. I’m not even here. You can’t see me here.

Taylor: Beat ME up? I’m the Undisputed Greatest EUWC Double Champion Of All Time. I certainly don’t deserve to get beat up by these two washed up losers.

Hall: WASHED UP!? I’ll have you know I haven’t had a shower since last month.

Nash: He’s gone too far. GET HIM!

Taylor: NERO!!!!

Hall: BEER!!!

Garrison: ROAR!!!

(Garrison runs out and does a Lou Thesz Press on Scott Hall and punches him repeatedly.)

(Moments Later…)

(Garrison is still hammering away on Hall.)

Hall: (crying) NO MORE!! I CANT TAKE ANYMORE!!!

(Nero comes up and holds a beer can over his head.)

Hall: Ooooh, beer.

(Garrison then punches the beer can all the way to Hall’s face. Scott Hall is out cold.)

Nero: That’s for stealing my van. And get a deodorant!

(Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is down on his knees breathing heavily. Alucard is standing in front of him.)

Nash: Just stand…right there..I know I can…do it. Here it comes…

(Nash kicks Alucard in the gut and lifts him up for a Jackknife Powerbomb but Alucard reverses and stands behind him.)

Alucard: (yawn) Yes it was amazing to watch you try to jackknife me for the last 27 times. Oh well… (delivers a thunderous Einhander to Nash.)

(The league gathers in the “Not the Nero Wagon.” Garrison gets Torpid from the limo and puts him in the driver’s seat where he wakes up.)

Torpid: Oooh, bunnies.

Taylor: Right, this mission was accomplished, even with glitches. Alucard, nice job with Nash…

Alucard: It certainly was a work of art.

Taylor: Garrison, just don’t beat us up in the future. Classy, you were no help at all.

Classy: Right, blame it all on the unnoticeable guy.

Taylor: And Nero, I still hate your guts.

Nero: Likewise Sean, likewise.

Taylor: Alright. Let’s get out of here!

(Torpid puts the foot on the gas and the “Not the Nero Wagon” speeds out of the junkyard. From the other direction, two police cars enter the junkyard and stop next to the limo. Out of one, two police officers and the Basham Brothers come out, and out of the other, two more cops and JBL.)

JBL: Alright, The Squealer was right! Wait till I get my hands on those lowlifes.

Danny Basham: (opens the boot of the limo) Hey, I found OJ.


Doug Basham: What, right now?

JBL: (slaps Doug on the back of the head) Not literally you idiot. I’m looking for something else. (checks inside his limo.) Oh no, it’s gone!

Danny: What is?


(Just then, they hear a yelling from the trailer and Bill Goldberg comes out.)


JBL: Holy ****! Everybody RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!



League Member
Sep 4, 2004
Jay, I'm glad I didnt do the other end of the phone call cause THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!! Cant wait for the DVD;)

TexasBrat2k5 said:
This is good...

Why in the hell is it not on www.fanfiction.net? It's that good and funny.

Thanks man. Glad you liked it. Wonder if there is an EUWC section there.

Till Later.



League Member
Sep 4, 2004

(In a conference room, Paul Doom, Holocaust and Vince McMahon are sitting at a table. Paul Doom is talking to someone on the phone, while McMahon and Holocaust look displeased.)

Doom: (on phone) Yes… well there’s nothing more to do so, you know of the fate that awaits you…(hangs up and talks to the other two.) The N.W.O. has failed sir.

Vince: Hmm, prepare for immediate transportation…

Holocaust: You don’t mean…

Vince: Yes, I’m sending them 5th class, where all they serve is a filthy disgusting snack and they HAVE to eat it! Notify them immediately!

Doom: Right away sir, although, where are you sending them?

Vince: Why? Do you want to accompany them to a land full of filthy hygiene and dental torture???

Doom: No, I don’t think I want to.

Vince: GOOD! Just do what I said!

Doom: Right away.

Holocaust: It appears that the league may pose a threat to our plans for Wrestlemania.


Holocaust: More accurately known as TNA.

Vince: So what chance do these loons have against me?

Holocaust: About as much as the chance for Eddie Guerrero turning heel and going for Mysterio after Wrestlemania.

Vince: Ah, you heard of my plan?

Holocaust: Yes, I think one follow up match should solidify Eddie as a heel.

Vince: ONE MATCH! Think out of the box, PLEASE! This feud should escalate to mammoth proportions, like Rock and HHH going at it for about a 187 times.

Holocaust: I see, well, as for the league, chances are they’ll mount an offensive under the present circumstances.

Vince: Just because Nero got his van back means I should be scared of him?

Holocaust: The van is irrelevant sir, although it did do a pretty good job of keeping Nero a nervous wreck. But with their combined abilities, they were able to thwart off the N.W.O. They could be able to attack us at any time before Wrestlemania. Seeing as there are only 15 hours remaining, they won’t have many problems.

Vince: I don’t know why the fact that Wrestlemania being just 15 hours away is supposed to scare me. All we need right now is good protection. Doom, get the APA.

Doom: I’m afraid that’s not possible sir.


Doom: Well, you did fire Farooq, and then Bradshaw turned into JBL, a stock market success who’s rich and comes out to the ring in a limo.

Vince: Bradshaw in a limo?! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DEBACLE!!!

Doom: I think it was the writers…


(Cut scene of an image with I.R. Baboon writing something on a log.)

Vince: I need to be on Smack down more often. I remember the last time I was there, when I BURIED THE UNDERTAKER ALIVE!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Holocaust: I believe it was Kane.

Vince: No, it was definitely Taker. Kane was up there with me as we were laughing maniacally. (Sigh) Good times, good times….

Holocaust: Yes...well, as for the league, we’ll have to be prepared for them.

Vince: Alright, then lets stay silent for a while and think about a plan…

(All three stay silent and think for a while. Camera zooms in on Doom as he is thinking and his voice in his mind overlaps.)

Doom: (thinking) Boy, Vince must have some really bad and evil plan in the works for the league. If it’s as bad as what he did to the N.W.O. I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it. Finally I can have revenge on the league. Alucard for ruining my career. Garrison for beating the crap out of me. Nero and Taylor just annoy me. And those other two, the driver and…no wait, that’s it.

Holocaust: (thinking) I’m seriously reconsidering this alliance with McMahon. Its been a year and he didn’t noticed JBL till today?!? This cant be good for business. Still, his resources may come in handy to finish off the league.

Vince: (thinking) I wonder with these two dressed up in weird goth outfits, I’m the only one who looks sane and handsome around here.

(Meanwhile, its morning and the “Not the Nero Wagon” is parked outside a taco shop The league is out of the van apparently waiting for something.)

Taylor: Was this stop really necessary?

Nero: If it wasn’t then you’re clinically insane! And judging by the fact that you only have one kind of ring attire ever since your debut, HELLO!

Just then, a pickup truck pulls up, which has a big screen on the back. Few people and the league look around it as the screen starts to play. Vince McMahon comes on the screen.)

Vince: Greetings people of L.A. I’m Vince McMahon. Owner of World Wrestling Entertainment…

Alucard: At least he didn’t finish that with ‘dammit’!

Vince: As you may all know, tonight is the night for Wrestlemania 21 at The Staples Center. You may have heard about what happened at our huge gathering last night, but trust me, nothing like that will happen again. And now, a huge announcement! Are you a wrestler or an athlete who wants to make it jobb… I mean a defining career in the WWE. Then come on down to The Staples Center and show me what you got. You could earn a spot at one of our amazing shows, like Heat, or Velocity etc. Also, (holds up a tray of sandwiches) I MADE SANDWICHES! So come on down. Open for all wrestlers.

(Out of the crowd, Sharkboy comes out.)

Sharkboy: I’m a superstar from TNA!


(The pickup truck speeds away leaving behind smoke and dirt. Everyone coughs and then start to leave the area.)

Sharkboy: (coughing) CRAP! (leaves)

Classy: (looks away from his fellow league members) Strange. Why would Vince McMahon, a social moron and total underminer of wrestling talent, want to host an audition gathering for up and coming wrestlers for the WWE? He has Tough Enough for that! (Turns around) IT’S A TRAP!!!

(The rest of the league is quiet)

Classy: Why aren’t you all shocked? Surely you noticed me saying that!

Taylor: Yeah, but we already figured it out as a trap.

Alucard: Yes, the pickup stopping right where we were was the perfect giveaway.

Taylor: Meaning he knew exactly where we were.

Nero: (swiftly) Squealer!!!

Alucard: Still, if this is a trap, why don’t we take the bait?

Classy: And why would we do that?

Alucard: Because I have a plan.

Taylor: HEY! I’m the leader here. I’m the Undisputed Greatest …


Taylor: Grrr…

Alucard: Regardless, this is my most BRILLIANT plan ever!

(They hear the voice of Garrison chomping something in the van.)

Garrison’s Voice: (chomp) Hey, these waffles are pretty good. Whadya put in them?

Torpid’s Voice: Waffles.

Garrison’s Voice: YOU’RE LYING!!!

(Torpid is thrown out of the van. Nero checks on Garrison from the rear door.)

Garrison: HEY NERO (chomp) Waffles?

Nero: Uhhhhhhhhhhh….Thanks, later maybe.

Taylor: So what’s this brilliant plan?

Alucard: Hmmm...okay I don’t know how to say this, but I forgot my plan.

Nero: Way to go boredy.

Alucard: BUT let’s do this instead. By far, it’s my most BRILLIANT PLAN ever.

Taylor: I thought that last one was your most brilliant ever.

Alucard: THIS is even more brilliant! We send one of us disguised as an amateur wrestler to this gathering. He can find out what Vince is up to and what he and Holocaust are planning for Wrestlemania and Hogan.

Taylor: Sounds pretty good. But who do we send? We’ll need an expert in recon and stealth…

(Taylor, Nero, and Alucard look at Classy)

Classy: Oh sure, that’s obvious. Always send in the unnoticeable guy to do the dirty work.

Taylor: This has nothing to do with dirty work.

Classy: It will once they find me and beat me to a pulp. Forget it, I’m not doing it.

Nero: What are you worried about? You’re unnoticeable! You could go there and stand on a table and strip naked, paint yourself purple and dance around singing “I’m Henry VIII I am” and still NOBODY would give a crap!

Taylor: And with that disgusting image, I’ve changed my mind. All those in favor for sending in Nero, say I!

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: IIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Nero: HEY! It’s three against one!

Taylor: We know. Wonderful isn’t it?

Nero: Oh yeah, I’ll show you. HEY TORPID!

(Torpid is out cold)

Alucard: His vote doesn’t count anyway. He isn’t in the league.

Nero: But Garrison’s does. HEY LYNCH!

(Just then Slipknot’s “Before I Forget” plays on the vans radio and Garrison starts singing along, the first line being “ ‘I’ am a world…” Nero looks pissed.)

Nero: Does Slipknot count?

Taylor: In this case, OH YEAH!!!
============================ =======================


League Member
Sep 4, 2004

Outside the Staples Center, The “Not the Nero Wagon” is parked outside as Taylor, Alucard, Classy, Garrison and Torpid are waiting outside of it. Nero is apparently inside changing.

Taylor: (banging on the wagon door) Come on already! It can’t take that long.

Nero: (from inside) OH YEAH! You try wearing Kurt Angle’s ring attire! God it’s tight! And itchy! ITCHY!!!

Taylor: I appreciate you making him suffer Alucard.

Alucard: The pleasure is all mine.

Classy: Now if we can only bear him whining after we laugh out loud.

Taylor: Come on, how weird could it possibly look.

(The door opens and Nero steps out wearing a plain wrestling outfit with standard boots and kneepads and elbow pads.)

Taylor, Alucard and Classy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

Nero: Oh sure, go ahead! Make fun of the real cool guy in the totally uncool wrestling outfit!

Taylor: Why Nero, you look fabulous today.

Nero: Don’t push your luck Taylor!

Taylor: Oh but I WILL push it.

Nero: Yeah well its still isn’t good enough, anyone can guess its The Great and Almighty Nero in a lousy wrestling outfit. I don’t wanna be mistaken for that Dallas Thunderbolt guy.

Taylor: You mean Texas Lightning.

Nero: Texas Lightning?! WHUDDAT!!! THAT SUCKS! What kind of names are we gonna see later. Next we got “Lamb of God” or “Jaw of an @$$” Even “@$$ of an @$$”!!!

Classy: Well we do have this…(Holds up a traditional fake nose and moustache attached to a pair of glasses.) This should help you not get noticed by anybody at all.

Nero: Look just because YOU tried them doesn’t mean it’ll work with anybody.

Taylor: Still, (holding back laughter) there is no better disguise than you dressed up in that outfit and wearing a fake nose and moustache. HAHAHAHAHAA!

Nero: You’re enjoying this aren’t you!?

Alucard: Now Nero, in order to familiarize you with how brutal and ruthless Holocaust and the Dominion can be, we have a video clip.

(Alucard brings out a briefcase which has a laptop in it.)

Taylor: Where’d you get that?

Alucard: Actually Garrison found it from the Staples Center. Oh look there’s a note on top.

Taylor: (reading note) Property of WWE. Also note; do not touch my briefcase you sorry scumbags because I’m gonna win it in the Money in the bank ladder match. Signed Adam Copeland.

Nero: Ah cr@p, you ruined the ending for me!

Taylor: Why, who did you think was gonna win?

Nero: Ummmm…Christian???

Taylor, Alucard and Classy: HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!

Alucard: Really Nero, this is no time for jokes…

Taylor: Apart from the joke that is your disguise.

Nero: You are SO dead!

Alucard: If we can return to watching this clip, I’m sure you’ll find this quite interesting.

(The clip plays and we see Apocalypse from behind holding someone down by the arms while Holocaust is repeatedly hammering away with lefts and right over this unknown person.)

Holocaust: Admit that you are a spy, you filthy rotten disgusting worm. ADMIT IT NOW!!!

(We see that the unknown person is actually a mime and since he cant say anything, just shakes his head.)

Holocaust: Apocalypse?

Apocalypse: Yes Holocaust?

Holocaust: Make him talk, heheheheheHAHAHAHAHA

Apocalypse and Holocaust: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!


Nero: Did they make the mime talk?

Alucard: Ahhhhh…probably. I’ll have to ask Holocaust after I crush him later. Also, we have another clip showing how ruthless Vince McMahon.

Classy: What’s the worst he can do, fire Maven?

(Everybody is silent with disgust)

Classy: Oh please!!! Anyone can hardly see me but when I make a crack, you think it’s a crime against wrestling! Like NOBODY saw that one coming anyways!

Alucard: Uh, yes. Moving on.

(Another clip plays and we see Vince sitting at his office table with an action figure of Bret “The Hitman” Hart and a muscular Vince McMahon.)

Vince: Steal my title huh? Die, die, DIE!!! (Attacks the Hart figure with the Vince figure.)


Nero: OOOOOkay.

Taylor: Hey, I remember that.

Alucard: Right, now according to the plan, you are supposed to go in, find out what Vince and the Dominion have planned for Wrestlemania. Then at the appointed time, you are to sneak us inside and we’ll foil those diabolical designs.

Taylor: Amazing. What’s with the elaborate planning? You wanna take the leader spot?

Alucard: That, and your title.

Taylor: Right, like after Sizzler 2004 you’d get a shot at the World Title after you couldn’t beat me for the International Title. Boy do you have some imagination.

Alucard: (furious, but cooling down) Can you no-sell?

Taylor: (looking down) Uh..no.

Nero: Adda boy Alucard! Way to piss Taylor off! You took that crack and literally NO-SOLD it!

Alucard: Why indeed I did. Now the question remains as to how are we to sneak inside.

Classy: Well we could hide inside a giant cake.

Taylor: A what?

Classy: Well there is this incredibly huge cake that you will remember for the rest of your life. I know I will. Late at night it haunts me with its frosted beauty. Oh the vanilla. Oh the cream filling, oh the chocolate syrup. Oh what a CAKE! Its such an amazing cake. Why, what have you guys got against the cake, it’s such a lovely cake. ORDER THE DAMN CAKE!!!

Taylor: Fine, we’ll get the damn cake.


Taylor: But you just said…



League Member
Sep 4, 2004
Hey everyone. Here's chapter 11. Hope you've had fun with the last couple of them, cause this might be one of the final chapters. Oh well, have fun reading.

(Nero’s voice is heard as he repeatedly yells “Taylor” loudly. The camera shows a park where the “Not the Nero Wagon” is parked. Nero is still yelling “Taylor” as we see Garrison punching away at rocks, Alucard and Classy Mike C standing next to a giant cake. Meanwhile Taylor is sitting on the front seat of the wagon, looking bored.)


(Taylor clicks on a window on the laptop’s taskbar and a video feed of Nero appears on screen, still yelling “Taylor”. Then he stops.)

Taylor: I was kinda wondering when you would shut up on your own Nero, but it’s been 3 hours. 3 HOURS! THREEEE….HOURSSS!!!

Nero: That’s what you get when you minimize on me.

Taylor: Yeah, now I know. What’s the report?

Nero: Well you’ll be amazed to know that Vince makes amazing sandwiches. I could eat a whole tray of them.

Taylor: You already have, haven’t you?

Nero: OHHHHH YESSSSS!!! Mmmmmmmmmm, heavenly sandwiches.

Taylor: Well, you haven’t been found out yet, have you?

Nero: Are you kidding? I’ve seen people in more cornier wrestling outfits. One of them’s dressed up in an Indian costume.

Taylor: It wouldn’t happen to be some guy called Chief Running Deer, would it?

Nero: I wouldn’t know, we started off with the snacks first. The seminar is gonna start in 5 minutes. Why, why’re ya askin?

Taylor: No reason. I guess you can’t figure anything out till the seminar starts. Fine, get in there and stall McMahon and the Dominion. Meanwhile I’ll have to manage the next cake.

Nero: Next cake???

Taylor: Well, the first cake attracted Classy so much, he leapt to defend it.

Nero: By that you mean he literally leapt on top of the cake to defend it, right?

Taylor: Rigggghhht. Then, when the second cake came, Garrison gulped it down.

Nero: In all of these cakes, did you save some for me?

Taylor: Well we would have but they were toooooo tastyyyy. Classy sure knows his cakes! Anyways, we have a third cake now. Alucard is guarding it. Classy or Garrison so much as make a small move, and BAM!

Nero: Fine. Anyways, I’m off. Oh and by the way, you guys wait outside in the cake while I sneak you in. And remember, you are not to come out till you hear Vince McMahon yell “I’m Vince McMahon DAMMIT!!!”

Taylor: And how, pray tell is that gonna happen.

Nero: Hey, he’s Vince McMahon. I’m The Great and Almighty Nero! Do the math bookbrain! Anyways, toodles. (disconnects)

(Meanwhile outside the van.)

Classy: Wouldn’t you agree this cake his heavenly?

Alucard: Yes, the frosting is nicely done, the fragrance of vanilla and strawberry is soothing. The Chocolate syrup is incredibly tantalizing. It is without a doubt the most beautiful cake in the world.

Classy: My sentiments exactly.

Alucard: Only one thing.

Classy: Which is?

Alucard: I … hate…cake!

(Scene changes to a huge gathering of wrestlers in a huge hall inside the Staples Center. Mr. McMahon is on the stage. Holocaust is sitting at a panel desk on stage. Nero is somewhere in the front row.)

Vince: Welcome one and all to this symposium for all you *ahem* athletes with tremendous wrestling potential *cough crap cough.* Now as you may already know, Wrestlmania will happen 6 hours from now. Which is why we need to get this going. But first, let me explain a few things. By good chance you will make it big in the future with the WWE, but that all depends on one thing, loyalty. Once you’re loyal to the boss, you know life is rosy. But cross me and BY GOD you will pay. As right now, I have an example. For you see, we have a squealer amongst us. I have drawn the list to two probables. They are with me on the stage, lights please.

(The lights turn on one side of the stage and we see on two chairs, Paul Doom, who looks calm and quiet, and on the other Jay Smash, biting his fingers and looking pale.)

Vince: Ladies and gentlemen, these are Paul Doom and Jay Smash, my two hire prospects from the EUWC. And one of them is the squealer. In order to find out, I have a rigorous questioning system, which I’m about to demonstrate right now. First we have Paul Doom…

Jay Smash: (interrupting) OKAY, okay, ITS ME! ME! I’M THE SQUEALER, ME! JAY SMASH! ME! I shouldn’t tell you this but I cant help it, I SQUEAL! Hocus Pocus, You’re on focus, IM THE SQUEALER! ME! NOBODY ELSE BUT ME, NOT EVEN TIGHTLIPS DOOM! ME! I’m the guy you’re looking for, ME! (two men in black suits come on the stage and drag Jay backstage) AW MAN, this cant be good. You haven’t seen the last of me. I know, COS I SQUEEEEEAAAAALLLLL!!!!....

Nero: What an idiot.

(Jay Smash comes back)

Jay Smash: And another thing, Vince. There’s a guy from the league here, in the crowd. RIGHT HERE! (the crowd gasps as Nero gulps) I should know who, CAUSE I SQUEAL! And its (he’s knocked unconscious by one of the black suited men who drag him backstage.)

Vince: Hmm interesting. Well since we can’t tell who it is, I guess we’ll have to find out who it is, we’ll have to search and destroy from all of you. Because whoever it is…

(Nero looks tense.)

Vince: Wherever he is…he shall feel the wrath of VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON!

Nero: (terrified) It isn’t me!


Nero: Umm, not me.


Doom: It was actually the one in the front row with the moustache who interrupted.

Vince: Fine yes, YOU! The rather striking guy in the moustache.

Nero: (to camera) Does he need a style check.

Vince: Come here on stage and let’s see if you’re not a league member in disguise.

Nero: Uh, okay…(gets up on stage and at the podium, meanwhile Vince sits next to Holocaust.) FELLOW filthy low-standard WRESTLERS!!! I would just like to say, if I was a member of the League of Extraordinary Wrestlers, more specifically, The Great and Almighty Nero, WHICH IM NOT!!! HUH HUH HUHHH!! I would say something like, oh I dunno, DIE VINCE MCMAHON, DIE HOLOCAUST!!! DIE YOU PATHETIC PAUL GOON, DIE!!! FEEL MY WRATH, FEEL IT! CAN YOU FEEL IT, HUH HUH HUH!!! AND ANOTHER THING, IF THEY WANNA SEND A MAN ON THE MOON, WHY CANT THEY JUST LEAVE HIM THERE?!

Vince: Hmmm, yes. Quite a perplexing mystery. Just like that other one. Holocaust, did you know that Clark Kent is actually Superman??

Holocaust: Uhhhh…

Vince: Think about it. They’re never at the same room at the same time….

Holocaust: But Vince…

Vince: Be quiet! I’m onto something.

(Just then, a person brings a huge cake on the stage in a trolley.)

Nero: WOW! That’s a big cake!

Vince: Well, what have we here? I guess we can all take a little break and after which, we’ll get down to some serious talent searching. We’ll find the league member along the way. In the meantime, let’s enjoy this fabulous cake. Oh and during the break, if any of you suspect someone to be a league member, tell me or Mr. Holocaust or Mr. Doom immediately. If I find any one of you that’s keeping a secret, you’ll be sorry you did. For I am Vincent Kennedy McMahon! I OWN WRESTLING! I KILLED TED TURNER! No superstar has had the guts to stand up to me. Not Hogan, Not Austin, Not Foley, Not even The Undertaker…

(Just then the cake lid pops open but instead of the league, Randy Orton comes out and does his trademark pose.)

Randy: YOU’RE MINE TAKER…AW CRAP! That idiot Kane brought me in the wrong hall!!!

Nero: What the f--?


(On cue, the league barge in through the auditorium door and get on the stage.)

Nero: What the hell is going on here? And what took you guys so long?!

Taylor: Well, Orton stole the cake. And besides, you told us to wait till Vince said his line.

Nero: Alright then, Orton. What took YOU so long?!

Randy: I was waiting for someone to say “The Undertaker.” Besides, I’m Randy Orton. So sue me!

Nero: How could Orton possibly steal the cake? Alucard was guarding it wasn’t he?

Alucard: To tell you the truth Nero, I could care less about that infernal cake!

Classy: (sees his cake ruined) My beautiful cake! You’ll pay for this Orton!

Randy: Who the hell said that? Hey wait! You’re not that legendary unnoticeable guy, are you?

Classy: Me? Legendary? WOW! Oh wait…

(Randy listens intently for Classy’s voice source and RKO’s Classy)

Nero: You know you made up that whole ‘legendary’ unnoticeable guy crap, didn’t you?

Randy: You’re annoying me dude! I could RKO you too you know…

Nero: That’s actually my move pretty boy. And its called the Buzzcutter. RKO, PUH-lease!

Randy: On second thought…

(Randy then promptly RKO’s Nero, whose glasses and moustache come off with the impact.)

Randy: BAM! And I could RKO you too (points at Alucard) but hey wait, Kane warned me about you!

Alucard: I’m sure he did in another backstage altercation. You do realize he sexually assaulted Lita like that too.

Randy: Uh yeah, now that you mention it. Oh well, later. (Randy leaves)

Nero: (still down) Damn! My…entertaining….wrestling career…is over.

Taylor: Nah! You’re just saying that to make everyone feel happy.

Nero: Seriously, my time…is running…out.

Taylor: Oh really, my watch must be slow.

Vince: OH MY GOD! Its Nero! It was Nero all along!

Holocaust: (sarcastically) Yes, the fake moustache and glasses had all of us fooled.

Nero: (getting up) Now wait just a minute. I may look like The Great and Almighty Nero…

Taylor: Poor guy.

Nero: …but there is no way you can prove that I’m Nero. Face it; you’ll need concrete evidence to prove I’m Nero.

(Just then, Jay Smash comes on stage.)


Doom: The Squealer’s word is concrete evidence enough.

Vince: Indeed.

Nero: I’m gonna get you squealer, I’m gonna get you bad!

========================= ===============================


League Member
Sep 4, 2004
Hey guys.

Chapter 11 is up. The board doesnt show it as updated so maybe this should work.

Till Later,


The Moundfields

League Member
Sep 4, 2004
Manchester, England
My god I'm going to miss this series; the "not the nero wagon", the heat sucking, the no selling, "i'm vince mcmahon dammit!", the ***** fights between nero and taylor, the cake, the squealing, casey torpid...legendary stuff!


League Member
Sep 4, 2004
Hey everyone. Hope everybody's been doing okay.

Here it is, the final chapter of EUWC's first ever movie. I really appreciate that everyone loved it and I had a lot of fun writing this. Hopefully I'll be able to write another movie in the future, so if anyone has ideas, do let me know. For now, here's chapter 12. Read, review and have fun.

(As we left the league in the large hall with the auditioning wrestlers and Holocaust, Paul Doom and Vince McMahon, it is now the final confrontation between the league and the WWE/Dominion alliance.)

Holocaust: So you fools think you can stop us from carrying out our devious schemes? How stupid of you all. Alucard, I expected better than this.

Alucard: Yes, I know.

Taylor: Hey wait a minute, this was YOUR brilliant plan, remember?

Alucard: Ah yes, but if the cake scenario didn’t screw up like it did, my BRILLIANT PLAN would have succeeded!

Nero: So who’s to blame here?


Nero: Could we please lay off the cake!?

Taylor: Why? Did we lay off the wagon when you asked us to?

Nero: Well at least I have transportation, Mr. Sean “Doesn’t know how to ride a bike” Taylor!

Taylor: You know, you’re starting to become a real pain in the butt!


Vince: Enough already! It’s only been two minutes and already I’m about to have a heart attack.

Taylor: Don’t you think it has something to do with old age?

Nero: Or steroid overdose?

Vince: Alright, this is ridiculous. First off, all of you losers, GET OUT!

(The other wrestlers don’t move and its silence.)

Vince: Didn’t you hear me? I have more pressing business to take care of than watching you indy boys in the ring. GET OUT!

(Still no one moves.)

Nero: Allow me, HEY G!

(Garrison says nothing and starts screaming and running around the hall, scaring everyone and all of them head for the exit in fright. No one else is left, other than Vince, Holocaust, Doom, and the league.)

Vince: I could have Holocaust summon the Dominion’s henchmen and take you guys out.

Holocaust: With pleasure.

Vince: But instead, an even worse fate awaits you.

Holocaust: And our plans are ruined.

Vince: Don’t worry; they have no chance in hell.

Holocaust: For what, pray tell. Suspend them? In case you haven’t forgotten, we haven’t hired them yet!

Taylor: ‘We’???

Holocaust: There is an arrangement in the works. So Vince, what dastardly idea do you have to get these losers off our backs?

Vince: Simple. This is the WWE, and over here, we don’t solve problems with a backstage brawl. Instead, we let people settle it, in that very ring!

Holocaust: What ring? This is the hall!

Vince: Okay, the ring we have set up tonight.

Taylor: You’re giving us a match at Wrestlemania?

Vince, Doom and Holocaust: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Doom: That would be nice though. Having EUWC superstars on Wrestlemania.

Vince: And of course the ‘smart’ thing to do. This is the WWE, besides, that would beat the point of us begging people to buy our PPVs. So instead, we’ll settle this in a pre-heat show.

Nero: Pre-heat? You mean not even on Heat???

Vince: Hell no! Heat is for making people like Hurricane look like they can squash people.

Taylor: So what do you have in mind?

Vince: Well, we’ll settle this in the ultimate match. A match of main event proportions!

Nero: Thanks Vince. So who am I facing?

Vince: Uh, no not you Nero.

Nero: You’re kidding, right?

Vince: Nope, the match is Lord Alucard vs. Holocaust.

Nero: Ah that aint no big deal! We got a no-seller here, so no problemo.

Alucard: I’m afraid it is a problem. Apparently you haven’t seen HIS contractual clause.

Taylor: Which is?

Alucard: Exactly the same as mine.

Taylor: Ah.

Nero: Crap! Why do the boredy Goths get the no-selling clauses?!

Alucard and Holocaust: I BEG YOUR PARDON!!!

Nero: Uh, like I said, knock yourselves out!

Classy: That seems unlikely. With two no-sellers, it could go on forever.

Taylor: Yeah that’s true. Fortunately, I have an idea. And you’re the integral part of it.

(Taylor starts whispering into Classy’s ear. Scene dissolves into the arena where Taylor, Nero, Garrison and Torpid are sitting in the front row of an empty arena, looking totally bored. Garrison yawns.)


Taylor: God, we’ve been in this match for 15 minutes already and other then weapon attacks, I have yet to see a wrestling move NOT getting reversed.

Nero: Hmmm, maybe this could be some kind of a record.

(Meanwhile in the ring, no doubt, Alucard and Holocaust have wrestled in what may be the match with the most number of reversals. There are many weapons in the ring including sticks, garbage cans, chairs, etc. Alucard and Holocaust rest for a moment, then approach each other.)

Holocaust: Alucard, LOOK! (points behind him.) A garbage can!

Alucard (looks behind him): Yes it is rather impressive, that… can.

(From behind, Holocaust attacks Alucard with a steel chair and Alucard goes down on his knee.)

Alucard: THAT’S IT! You have fooled me with the garbage can for the LAST TIME!!!

Holocaust: 3 actually.

Alucard: BAH!

Holocaust: BAH!

(Both of them grapple each other and Holocaust whips Alucard across the ropes, kicks him in the mid section and goes for the Burnt Offering, but Alucard REVERSES it and goes for an Electric Chair. But Holocaust REVERSES it and whips Alucard into the corner. Holocaust goes to the opposite corner and charges towards him but somehow Holocaust trips from the referee’s foot and falls down.)

Vince: (sitting at ringside with Doom) WOW! What an unexpected twist!

(Alucard recovers and as Holocaust is dazed, delivers the Einhander flawlessly and covers Holocaust, 1..2..THREE!!!)

Doom: HEY! What just happened!?

(The league gets in the ring and celebrates with Alucard and the referee, who no one cared to notice, was actually Classy Mike C!!!)

Vince: OOOHHH! I always knew that Classy was the most dangerous of the whole league.

Doom: That was a pretty cool plan though. No one noticed the ref was Classy.

Vince: Ironic isn’t it? No one noticed it was the unnoticeable guy.

(Vince gets in the ring, followed by Doom.)

Vince: So you think you’re pretty smart HUH! Let me tell you something…

Nero: I’m Vince McMahon Dammit!?


Taylor: Figured that out.

Vince: And now that this match proved to be useless, I’m signing another match.

Nero: Will this be on Heat?

Vince: HAHAHAHAHA…NO! This is a two-on-one no DQ handicap match! With you Taylor…

Taylor: Okay…

Vince: And your partner will be, Nero!

Taylor: Oh dear God, no.

Nero: Right, so stay out of the way Bookie. And the rest of you better take notes on how The Great and Almighty Nero does business around here.

(Everyone leaves the ring except Taylor, Nero and Vince.)

Nero: So who are we facing Vinny?

Vince: You’ll regret calling me that, so here come out your opponent…

(The n.W.o. Music hits.)

Nero: Oh its either Hall or Nash. This is gonna be easy.

(To everyone’s shock and surprise, out comes in his trademark black and white n.W.o. attire, none other than…)


Taylor: You gotta be kiddin’ me!!!

Nero: We’re screwed!

(Hogan enters the ring and does the poses and everything. Vince leaves the ring, leaving only Nero and Taylor with the Hulkster.)

Alucard: (from outside the ring.) Oh Nero?

Nero: What?

Alucard: Remember when you said to take notes, (pulls out a notepad and pen) Ill be doing just that.

(Moments later, we see Taylor lying in a corner, meanwhile Hogan has Nero and delivers a body press drop! Nero falls facing Alucard who is outside taking notes.)

Alucard: Tsk, Tsk, oh well, (writes something) F!

Nero: (beat up.) Figures.

(Taylor tries to mount some offence at the hulkster and bounces off the ropes, but Hogan catches him and delivers a huge powerslam. Nero gets a steel chair and attacks Hogan from behind but then Hogan does his trademark turn and look at Nero and the “No way” finger sign. Nero is frightened but tries to attack him anyways. However Hogan takes Nero down with an arm drag. Nero faces Alucard again.)

Alucard: (sighs and writes some more) F Minus!

(Nero and Taylor talk to each other for a moment.)

Nero: Let’s try a double clothesline.

Taylor: Good idea.

(Taylor and Nero try to do just that and run towards him but Hogan takes both of them down with a big back double shoulder toss!)

Taylor: Oh who are we kidding! It’s Hollywood Hulk Hogan for Christ’s Sake!!!

(Nero faces Alucard again.)

Alucard: Hmm… what could be lower than F Minus? (Writes some more) Z! Z, ZEEEEEE, ZEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

(Since Taylor and Nero are down, Hogan wastes time by posing in an empty arena with no audience.)

Classy: Alucard! Do something!

Alucard: I can’t

Classy: Why not?

Alucard: It’s my contract. My no-selling clause also specifies that I not, under any circumstance fight Hollywood Hulk Hogan or The Iron Sheik.

Classy: Iron Sheik???

Alucard: Never mind that!

Classy: So what would happen if you did?

Alucard: I’ll lose my no-sell clause!

Classy: Well what’s more important to you? The clause or you friends’ well being?

(Alucard just stares at him.)

Classy: Alright, well somebody has to do something.

(Without warning, Garrison enters the ring and attacks Hogan while he was posing. Garrison whips Hogan across the ropes and goes for a Showstopper but Hogan kicks him in the gut and power slams Garrison on the mat, ala Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3.)

Alucard: That…was…quite a cliché.

Classy: BAH! I don’t care, I’m going in.

(Classy enters the ring and goes for Hogan, but Hogan takes Classy down with a big boot.)

Classy: What? You…noticed…me?

Hogan: Yeah, YOU SUCK BROTHER!!!

(Hogan picks up Classy and throws him out of the ring)

Nero: Must…run…away. Or…at… least, must…scream…loudly. Must…

Taylor: …Stop talking like William Shatner!

(Hogan picks Nero up and swings him around the ring.)


(Hogan tosses Nero in the corner.)


Vince: And me.

Holocaust: And me.

Alucard: And me.

(Taylor attacks Hogan from behind and whips Hogan, but Hogan reverses and nails a big boot! Nero charges at him but also gets a big boot! Hogan locks both Taylor and Nero in a double sleeper hold.)

Taylor: (choking) Hogan… please… stop… you can’t… do… this…

Nero: (choking) Yeah… think of…all the people…

Taylor: (choking) Think about… Wrestle… Mania…

Nero: (choking) Think… about… the fans…

Taylor: (choking) Think… about…the Hulkamaniacs…

(Hogan’s face goes blank for a moment…)

Hogan: Hulka…maniacs…

(Hogan lets both Taylor and Nero go and starts yelling in an angry rage. Hogan then tears off his n.W.o. t-shirt and his bandana.)

Vince: What is the matter with you? Finish them!!!

Hogan: NOOO!!! You can make me black and white, you can use me to ruin Wrestlemania worse than Goldberg ever will! But NO WAY am I betraying all of my Hulkamaniacs BROTHER!!!

Vince: Oh jeez, not another Hulkamania attack. Doom, get him!

(Doom goes in and tries to attack Hogan but Hogan takes him down with a power slam! Then Hogan bounces off the ropes and nails him with a Hogan Leg Drop!)

Holocaust: Ah, I knew it wouldn’t work this time either. I’ll get him.

(Holocaust pulls out a bottle of chloroform and applies it on a handkerchief and uses it on Hogan’s mouth but it seems to have no effect. Hogan just shoves Holocaust down on the mat.)

Holocaust: (surprised) But, why? Huh? (Looks at the bottle) MOUNTAIN DEW!!! DAMNNNN!!! Who’s responsible for this???

Nero: (getting up) Hehe, guess whoooo???

Vince: (In the ring) Hogan you idiot! Finish them off and cut it out with the noble act.

Hogan: No brother. (Helps Taylor up) No matter how much of a big superstar you become, you always look out for your other compadres, no matter how big or small.


Hogan: Still, I think these guys form an important part of the wrestling world.

Vince: Yes, more businesses I can drive straight to the ground!

Hogan: I can’t beat these guys. In fact, now that I think about it, I can’t ruin Wrestlemania either!

Vince: Well, I suppose you can come out in the red and yellow, cant he Holocaust?

Holocaust: Now wait just a minute…

(Nero climbs on behind Holocaust and uses the real chloroform to knock Holocaust out cold.)

Vince: I guess it’s settled then. Hogan, you don’t have to ruin Wrestlemania.

Hogan: YEAH!!!

Taylor: What about us?

Classy: Yeah, do we get our contracts?

Vince: Okay, I don’t know how to tell you this, but sorry, you don’t.

The league: Awww!

Vince: But let’s do this instead!

(We now see various WWE Superstars such as Triple H, Ric Flair, JBL, Jericho, Batista etc sitting in the seats of the hall.)

Triple H: Can we get this over with soon. I still need to get my hair shampooed.

Jericho: (sitting next to him) What’s the point, you’ll ruin it when you make that stupid entrance. You DO know most of that water in you hair is your own spit!

Triple H: Oh you’re one to talk, Mr. “hair stylist who cut his hair down to size.”

Jericho: Oh yeah!

(Both men get in each others face)

Triple H: Yeah!

Jericho: Yeah!

Triple H: Yeah!

Jericho: Yeah!

Triple H: YEAH!

Jericho: YEAH!

Flair: (next to them) WOOO!!!

Triple H and Jericho: SHUT UP!!!

(Vince is on stage with the league and Hogan. It looks like they’re having a presentation.)


Flair: But I…

Vince: YOU HEARD ME! (Clears throat) Now then. For saving Wrestlemania and foiling me, I very proudly, AND ANGRILY, present to you with the WWE Medals of Honor!!!

(Hogan puts a medal around each of the league members, including Classy Mike C, who he didn’t fail to notice.)

Triple: Big deal! Just because they got Hogan off n.W.o. mode, they get medals!

Vince: Why, they’re special alright. There’s Classy Mike C.

Triple H: Where?

Classy: Oh God!

Vince: And Garrison.

Garrison: Grrrr…

Triple H: Uhhhh….yeah.

Vince: Sean Taylor.

Triple H: I hate him already.

Vince: Lord Alucard.

Triple H: Oh. I got nothing against him.

Nero: And don’t forget, THE GREAT AND ALMIGHTY NERO!!!

Triple H: Don’t know ya….hey wait a minute. I know that voice anywhere. You’re the guy who keeps calling and annoying me at home! HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER!?

Jericho: Off a bathroom wall.


Jericho: I wrote it there, JACKASS! “For annoying HHH all you want, call 555--------)

Triple H: You are such a weasel.

Jericho: I resent that.

Triple H: Whadya gonna do Jericho?

Jericho: Hunter!

Triple H: Jericho!

Jericho: Hunter!

Triple H: Jericho!

Jericho: Hunter!

Triple H: Jericho!

Jericho: HUNTER!

Triple H: JERICHO!

(Flair is about to open his mouth but Triple H interrupts him.)

Triple H: Don’t even think about it.

Vince: And also, to show my hospitality, I’m inviting the league to watch Wrestlemania. They can have the VIP stand!

Nero: WOOHOO!!!

Vince: But no free snacks.

Nero: Crap!

Hogan: Vince?!

Vince: Fine, eat the whole hot dog stand.

Nero: Me and G were planning to do just that. Well gotta go now.

(The league gets off the stage and leave.)

Nero: Hey Bradshaw, nice boobs.

(JBL looks puzzled.)

(Wrestlemania is about to start and the league are sitting in the VIP Stand.)

Nero: Finally, I can relax and watch Wrestlemania.

Taylor: But don’t you have to take a nap?

Nero: How could I take a nap now? Wrestlemania is about to start.

Taylor: I bet you haven’t heard of (pulls out a bottle and handkerchief) CHLOROFORM!!!

(Taylor uses the handkerchief on Nero and Nero is out cold.)

Taylor: And now, I’ve ruined Wrestlemania for Nero.

Alucard: Every sane person’s dream.




League Member
Sep 4, 2004
EUWC Films

In association with
Happenstance Productions

Muhammad Ali Samejo

The League of Extraordinary Wrestlers

Sean Taylor
The Leader

The Weasel

Classy Mike C
The Unnoticeable Wrestler

Lord Alucard
The No-seller

Lynch Garrison
The Powerhouse

The Villain

Paul Doom
The Heat Sucker

Jay Smash
The Squealer

Vince McMahon
The Boss

Casey Torpid
The Usually Unconscious Driver

Shelton Benjamin
Garrison Fodder

Just Couldn’t Shut UP!

Josh Mathews
Apple Spit Victim

The Undertaker
The OTHER No-seller

John Cena
The Marky Mark Wannabe

The OTHER Weasel

Kevin Nash
The Beer Drinking Idiot

Scott Hall
The OTHER Beer Drinking Idiot

Bill Goldberg
The Junkyard Owner

The Big-time Loser, Everywhere

The Bashams
Wanted to do OJ

Orlando Jordan
The Naked Black Guy in the Trunk

Randy Orton
The Cake Stealer

Hollywood Hulk Hogan

Inspired by
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Extreme Universal Wrestling Corporation
World Wrestling Entertainment

Screenplay by
Muhammad Ali Samejo

The Nero Wagon designed by
The guy who designed Austin Power’s Swinger 2 and The Mystery Machine

Special thanks to:
Rob Van Dam’s Comic Book Shop
“Enjoy the Chill Pills, Rob. Sorry about the shop.”

Bret “The Hitman” Hart
“Thanks for letting Garrison off the sharpshooter. BTW Classy DID take one of your books. Thanks for having it pre-signed also.”

Bill Goldberg’s Junkyard
“Ruin Wrestlmania 20, will you?”

“In recognition of your efforts to try and keep Jay Smash’s mouth full so he couldn’t talk, but alas. Oh well, you gave it your best shot.”

“For not giving the n.W.o. too much beer.”

JBL’s limo
“Next Time, keep OJ on a leash.”

Royal Bakers
“Classy should have paid your bill, but unfortunately…we can’t find him. As for the sandwiches, please contact Vince McMahon, CEO World Wrestling Entertainment.”


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