The (Mis)Adventures of Terry and Stephen, Part UNO
(Fade in from black, and the scene is the home of “The Fallen Angel” Stephen Waltz; a modest apartment and bachelor pad situated in Eugene. The door bursts open and TERRY “THE IDOL” ANDERSON walks in. There’s a big grin on his face as he surveys the scene, and he isn’t quite in that midday intoxication mode... yet.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh yeah... nice place you got here, kid! This is gonna work PERFECTLY!
(Following him in is STEPHEN WALTZ, toting the IWF commentator’s baggage and wearing a neck brace, obviously a sign of damage done in his first major match back in the ring.)
Stephen Waltz
Where did you want your stuff, Terry?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh, just set all that down in the bedroom. I’ll unpack later. Right NOW though...
(Waltz carries the suitcases into the other room as Anderson raids the kitchen cupboards. Every one he pulls open reveals cooking supplies or glassware or something else... and each produces the same grieving reaction from Terry.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh come on, baby, don’t hold out on me NOW!
(Stephen wanders back into his living room, gingerly touching at his neck.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Where’s the brandy in this joint, kid?
Stephen Waltz
Oh, I don’t keep any alcohol here...
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
WHAT?! Damn... we’re going to have to drive to the liquor store later. Ah well...
(He opens his jacket and pulls out his flask, taking a long swig.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Suppose I could tide myself over for a while. How about you, kid? You want a glass?
Stephen Waltz
Terry, I’ve been sober for two years...
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh come on, it’s just ONE drink! You already overcame alcoholism, kid, and believe me, it’s a real b*tch. I’ve seen family and friends alike destroyed by the bottle...
(Takes another long swig.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
But it’s not like ONE drink is going to cause you to relapse, is it? COME ON, kid! I just dropped down into town! Let’s CELEBRATE!!
Stephen Waltz
Uhh... okay, I guess.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Now THAT’S the spirit!
(Terry grabs a small glass out of the cupboard and joins Stephen in the living room, where he pours him a glass. Stephen looks at the liquor with a gaze of apprehension... and yet, there’s a dark twinkle in his eye that says he wants it more than anything. Terry hands him the glass, carelessly filled to the brim.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Here you are, kid! Bottoms up!
(Waltz makes to drink, but has some difficulty with his neck brace.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
For the last time, kid, take that ridiculous thing off! It makes you look like a p*ssy!
Stephen Waltz
You sure, Terry? The doctor said it was a good idea to keep it on for as long as possible so that I’d be fully healed by the next match...
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Doctor schmoctor! Who are you going to listen to? Some old bat whose paid to give you an opinion, or me? The IDOL! The man who took you to the ring!
Stephen Waltz
Guess you got a point. I’ll take it off then...
(Waltz removes the brace and again gives the neck a light rub. He washes off any pain that might be throbbing back there by downing his drink in a single gulp. Terry also gulps away at his flask, falling into the couch.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Have a seat, kid... there’s something I want to say to you.
(Waltz joins him on the couch.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Look... it’s no secret your career’s been in a bit of a slump lately, what with the crash and the rehab and all that.
Stephen Waltz
Yeah... “slump” is probably putting it lightly.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Don’t let it bother you, kid. It happens to the best of us. Besides, things are about to change for you. Seeing as how you were nice enough to open your home to a buddy who’s pretty down on his luck also, I’m going to help you make your comeback.
Stephen Waltz
Well, that’s a kind offer, Terry, but --
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
SAY NO MORE... and have another drink.
(Anderson tops off Stephen’s glass again. There’s seriously no bottom to his flask. Waltz looks like he’s about to protest, but something inside him forces him to hold it back as he watches the glass fill.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
I turned you into a professional wrestling sensation years ago, and I can do it again, kid! It just takes a man of my BRILLIANCE to put your talents in the right direction!
Let’s take a close look at your opponent this week...
Stephen Waltz
You watched his promos?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
What? No! F*ck all that boring stuff. We’ve got a BETTER learning device!
(Anderson picks up the remote and turns on the TV, switching over to a random news channel. The report is covering increased violence over in Egypt.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
So this guy... Visor-toe Sega, or whatever... he’s an EGYPTIAN!
Stephen Waltz
Actually, I think he’s technically a United States citizen...
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Never mind that... he’s a SAND TROLL!! Once a sand troll, ALWAYS a sand troll! Just like Osama bin Laden, Saddamn Hussain, and Moleman Gaddafi! They’re ALL the same!
Stephen Waltz
…actually, they all came from different parts from the middle east.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Again, NEVER MIND THAT! I’m trying to avoid specifics here, kid... for YOUR sake.
(Takes another swig.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
As you can see in the case of Egypt, people of Middle Eastern descent are by BLOOD a dangerous and foolhardy people!
Stephen Waltz
Are you sure about that Terry?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Would I LIE if I didn’t believe it was the outright truth? These are dangerous people, capable of dangerous acts... sometimes in the name of terrorism! Your opponent? He’s no different! He’s a zealot... a fanatic... a man trapped in a single, stupid mindset: spread terror in the name of AHA!
Stephen Waltz
Do you mean Allah?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh, is that the name? Damn, this whole time, I thought they were jihading for that 80’s synth pop band...
Stephen Waltz
Why in God’s name would ANYBODY jihad for the band that sang “Take Me On”?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Snazzy song, and an equally snazzy video! When you live in the desert and everything is brown, a world of black and white pencil sketches seems pretty damn appealing!
Stephen Waltz
Okay... in that case, I should be the evil mechanics with wrenches?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
You COULD... but they end up getting foiled. So does anybody who tries to meddle with Middle Eastern affairs. Those people are too damn crazy to be bartered with. So how do you deal with them?
Stephen Waltz
Not sure...
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
You leave ‘em alone! And when there’s nobody around for them to destroy, they end up destroying themselves! This is the knowledge you must take with you into the ring to overcome your opponent at Chain Reaction!
Stephen Waltz
Okay. So what you’re saying is, I should let Vizier ta Seti’s ambitions destroy himself, and he’d be doing to most of the legwork?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Exactly! Prove just what a MORON he really is! Then when the chance is ripe... BAM!! Idolizer off the top rope, and that’s all she wrote!
Stephen Waltz
Sounds impeccably easy...
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
And I’m impeccably thirsty! So how about it? You want to hit up that liquor store or what?
(Stephen mulls it over, looking at his glass again. Somehow, it’s empty once again.)
Stephen Waltz
...sure.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
AWESOME! Let’s go, I’ll drive!
(Terry stands up and wavers a moment, but like a man on a mission, he finds the door. Stephen follows him out. Outside, we can hear the car start and peel out. The sounds of garbage cans being tipped over, cats screeching, and other vehicles honking trails off down the road as we fade to black.)